Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes: A No-Bullshit Guide to World Mythology

by Cory O'Brien

  And Bhairava fills Brahma’s sticky skull with Vishnu’s blood

  like “THANKS, SUCKER.

  I WAS JUST DROPPING BY TO ASK IF I COULD BORROW A CUP OF YOUR BLOOD.”

  And then he dances off into the forest

  carrying the doorkeeper’s body and a skull full of blood.

  He dances all over everywhere

  until he gets to the holy city Varanasi

  at which point he is pardoned for his crimes

  and gets to go back to heaven

  . . . ?

  So I guess the moral of the story

  is if you are ever indicted for murder

  your best bet

  is to do more murders

  and then fill the skulls of your victims

  with the blood from your other victims

  and maybe stage an impromptu dance party with some women you stole

  and eventually people will realize that you can’t be stopped

  and you can go to heaven.

  Excuse me while I go convert to Hinduism.

  ANYTHING KALI CAN DO, SHIVA CAN DO BETTER

  So we’ve established that Shiva’s a badass

  but it turns out that his main job

  is to make sure his wife Kali

  who is the goddess of having a thousand furious arms covered in knives and murder

  doesn’t get too shitfaced off all the blood she drinks and destroy the world

  like this one time

  where he lies in front of her on the battlefield

  or this other time

  when he turns into a baby

  like “WAH WAH, TITS PLEASE”

  and Kali is overcome by MOTHERING INSTINCTS.

  But there is one particular instance of Shiva handling Kali’s shit

  that is particularly fantastic:

  Okay, so this story begins like all stories about Kali:

  Kali just killed a bunch of dudes.

  Probably they were demons

  but really, who knows?

  Anyway, to celebrate

  Kali takes up residence in a nearby forest with a bunch of her asshole friends

  and starts terrorizing the countryside

  stabbing the villagers

  then stabbing their stab wounds

  then stabbing the blood in their stab wounds

  on and on, till the break of dawn

  and then after the break of dawn too.

  So finally one of the villagers

  who is sick of getting stabbed every day

  and is also a follower of Shiva

  comes running up to Shiva like “HEY, SHIVA

  CAN YOU HANDLE THIS SHIT FOR US?

  WE REALLY NEED THIS SHIT HANDLED.”

  and Shiva is like “Dude, can’t you see I am busy ripping tigers in half or something?”

  And the dude is like “KALI IS STABBING EVERYONE.

  SHE MIGHT DESTROY THE WORLD EVEN, WHO KNOWS?”

  And Shiva is like “Okay, my schedule just cleared up.”

  So Shiva shows up in the forest

  and Kali is like “HEY, DICKFACE.”

  And Shiva is like “Hey, Kali.

  We’ve talked about this.

  You need to stop stabbing all the time.

  This right here?

  This is what is known as too much stabbing.”

  And Kali is like “NEVER STOP STABBING.”

  And Shiva is like “That is in fact the opposite of what I said.

  All right, this is going nowhere.

  How about this:

  We have a dance contest

  and when I utterly hand you your shit in the contest

  you agree to stop stabbing for a while?”

  And Kali is like “OH BITCH YOU ARE ABOUT TO GET SERVED.”

  So they drag out the boom box

  spread out the cardboard

  dust off their dopest moves

  AND PROCEED TO BUST THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS LIKE TEAR-AWAY PANTS.

  These moves they are busting?

  Guys:

  They are ludicrous moves.

  Like, remember the dance contest in Pulp Fiction?

  This was nothing like that.

  John Travolta is terrible at doing the twist.

  This is way better.

  But finally, Shiva busts out the ULTIMATE MOVE:

  THE TANDAVA DANCE

  which is just basically a super-energetic dance

  and I guess Kali is so tired from stabbing

  that she cannot match his dance moves

  and so she reluctantly agrees to stop murdering for a couple days and go home.

  AND THUS BOLLYWOOD WAS BORN.

  So the moral of the story

  is that we could end all wars forever

  if we just weaponized THE POWER OF DANCE.

  GANESH IS THE VERY DEFINITION OF AN UNPLANNED PREGNANCY

  So Shiva is married to Kali, right?

  WRONG.

  Well yes, Shiva is married to Kali

  but as it turns out

  Shiva is ALSO married to this other chick Parvati

  who is a gentle goddess of life and stuff.

  BUT

  as it turns out

  Parvati and Kali

  ARE THE SAME PERSON

  WHOA, SNAP, PLOT TWIST.

  Yeah, apparently she can transform between sweet loving life goddess

  and unspeakable hurricane of death

  for ANY REASON

  at ANY TIME.

  This is what is known as an exciting marriage.

  Anyway, in this story Parvati is busy being Parvati

  which is good news for everybody

  except for Shiva

  because now all the time Kali would have spent murdering and busting sweet dance moves

  Parvati spends thinking about having babies

  and Shiva is not ready to be a father.

  I mean he kind of created the entire universe

  but he does NOT want to be tied down, okay?

  So Parvati gets sick of bugging him to have a baby with her

  and she’s like “Wait a second . . .

  I’m a goddess . . .

  Having babies in unconventional ways is what we DO.”

  So she just goes ahead and makes a baby all by herself

  and she names him Ganesh

  and then goes to take a shower and tells Ganesh to guard the door

  because apparently her sole motivation behind having kids

  is to make sure no one sees any naked boobs while she is washing up.

  IT WOULD HAVE PROBABLY BEEN SIMPLER TO JUST LOCK THE DOOR, PARVATI.

  CHILDREN ARE A SERIOUS RESPONSIBILITY.

  And of course this is the exact moment that Shiva decides to come along

  and prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that neither of these people should have kids

  because he sees the shower house where his wife is showering

  and he’s like “Oh man

  what a perfect opportunity for steamy shower sex!”

  So he just marches on over there

  except instead of getting inside

  he gets some impudent baby blocking his path

  and Shiva is like “DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?”

  And Ganesh is like “No, dude. I’m a baby.”

  And Shiva is like “WELL THEN

  YOU CAN CALL ME

  THE GUY WHO JUST CHOPPED OFF YOUR HEAD JUST NOW.

  ZING.”

  And OF COURSE

  this is the moment that Parvati chooses to finish her shower

  and she comes sauntering out of the shower house

  and sees her husband standing over her dead baby

  and she’s like “SHIVAAAA

  YOU BRING MY BABY BACK TO LIFE OR ELSE.”

  And Shiva is like “Or else what?”

  And Parvati’s like “Or else I’m gonna turn into Kali

  and you’re gonna have to chase me down and dance me into submission again.”

&n
bsp; And Shiva is like “Hmm. Good point.”

  So Shiva sends out some of his dudes

  to go grab the first head they find

  and bring it back to him

  and I guess he has pretty dumb servants

  because they come back with the head of an ELEPHANT

  and Shiva is like “Guys

  I feel like it would have been easier to just decapitate a baby

  rather than a full-grown elephant

  and also you should have figured out from context clues what I meant.

  But whatever, I guess I’ll make it work.”

  So he just glues this elephant head onto the dead baby

  and that somehow causes it to come back to life

  and that is why Ganesh has an elephant head now

  and also why he is the god of wisdom

  which is bad news for Shiva

  because an elephant

  NEVER FORGETS.

  So the moral of the story

  is that you shouldn’t worry if you accidentally kill your baby

  just kill another baby and glue pieces of it to the first baby until it comes back to life.

  Works every time

  or at least

  this one time.

  JAPANESE

  ARE YOU READY FOR DISTENDED RACCOON TESTICLES?

  NO?

  WELL, YOU BETTER GET READY QUICK

  BECAUSE JAPAN JUST CALLED

  AND IT’S ’BOUT TO DELIVER ONE WHOPPER OF A BALLSACK TO THE BRAINPAN.

  I think you may find it comforting to know

  that Japan was no less strange two thousand years ago than it is today

  they did not have the technology to build flying boobs and hand-job robots

  but weird shit has always been Japan’s prime natural resource

  as the thousand-plus deities in the Shinto pantheon can proudly attest

  so have a seat

  get comfortable

  but I cannot assure you

  that what you are sitting on

  is not a raccoon’s nuts.

  IZANAMI GETS REAL SORE

  So where do we begin?

  Oh, I know

  HOW ABOUT THE BEGINNING?

  DURRRR.

  Okay, so apparently there’s like a hojillion generations of gods in Japan.

  In fact, there are so many generations

  that it takes seven of them JUST TO GET US TO THE DUDES WHO CREATE THE EARTH.

  What the hell were those other generations of gods doing?

  Just havin’ orgies not messing with ANY MORTALS AT ALL?

  That . . . sounds pretty ideal, actually.

  Anyway, after seven generations we finally get our two main characters:

  Izanagi (meaning “he who invites”)

  and Izanami (meaning “SHE who invites”)

  (that has nothing to do with how they behave or who they are or anything.

  It’s not like the entirety of creation is a fancy dinner party.

  Just thought it would be a nice detail to include.)

  Izanagi and Izanami are probably siblings based on how similar their names are.

  (See also: Tweedledee and Tweedledum)

  And seeing as this is mythology

  their first act is to be like “HEY:

  I MIGHT LIKE YOU BETTER IF WE SLEPT TOGETHER.

  LET’S LEGITIMIZE IT WITH MARRIAGE!”

  But since all the gods have just been chilling out having nothing but orgies for millennia

  no one even knows how marriage WORKS

  so Izanagi and Izanami have to make it up from scratch

  and what they come up with actually makes a lot of sense:

  Izanagi’s like “All right

  what I’m gonna do is I’m gonna see you and get REEEEALLY EXCITED

  and then you are also gonna get REALLY EXCITED

  and then we’ll be married!”

  And Izanami is like “Sounds great!

  I mean, normally women are supposed to be super passive and not speak unless spoken to

  but I guess I will make an exception in this case

  because, bro

  I am dying to get my bone on with you, bro.”

  So they do their crazy marriage thing

  and then immediately get down to business

  and then suddenly Izanami gives birth to a hideous mutant leech baby.

  BIG SURPRISE, ASSHOLES.

  Y’ALL ARE SIBLINGS.

  Actually, I want to go ahead and applaud the Japanese

  for having the first mythos that accurately portrays the outcome of incest.

  Oh wait

  I spoke too soon.

  Turns out they had a leechbaby because Izanami TALKED DURING THE WEDDING.

  WOMEN AREN’T SUPPOSED TO TALK, GUYS.

  IT’S UNLADYLIKE, AND THEY WILL BE PUNISHED WITH LEECHES.

  So they take a mulligan on the marriage

  and this time Izanami keeps her fat mouth shut

  and then they get bizzay

  and give birth to

  THE ISLAND OF JAPAN.

  OW.

  Not only is that not a living thing

  thus making it even more mutant status than the leechbaby

  but just imagine trying to push Japan out your ladyhole.

  Izanami just gets all kinds of screwed over in this story.

  Oh, I forgot to say

  they bone so hard in the water that they create bubbles

  and the bubbles turn into all the other landmasses on Earth

  which is good

  because it means Izanami doesn’t have to individually birth EVERY SINGLE OTHER PLACE

  but even so

  Japan is not the last-level hazard Izanami has to scooch out her cooch.

  Enter (or rather exit) KAGUTSUCHI

  GOD OF FIRE.

  OWWWW.

  This is disgusting, guys.

  I am disgusted.

  Oh, and that’s finally what kills Izanami

  so now she’s dead

  but it’s okay

  (kind of)

  because when Izanami dies a whole bunch of other gods fly out of her corpse

  like the god of earth and stuff

  and then Izanagi starts crying about it and his tears turn into MORE GODS

  and then he gets pissed off and cuts Kagutsuchi into pieces

  and guess what the pieces turn into

  DING DING DING

  MORE GODS.

  Is there anything anyone can do in ancient Japan that does not result in more gods?

  Answer: no.

  So then Izanami calms down a little bit

  (he is cycling through the stages of grief mighty fast)

  and he decides to go down to Yomi

  which is Japanese hell

  and try and get her back.

  So he goes down there and finds Izanami and he’s like “’Sup, gurl

  wanna come be alive with me again or something?”

  And Izanami is like “Aw shit, bro

  I already ate a bunch of pomegranates or whatever and now I can’t leave.

  Here, let me introduce you to my friend Persephone.

  I understand she has had the EXACT SAME EXPERIENCE IN ANOTHER COUNTRY.”

  So Izanagi is pretty disappointed

  but he decides to chill out in Yomi for a while anyway

  except here’s the problem

  at some point he lights a torch

  and he sees his wife

  and she appears to have traded in her hotness for a lifetime supply of MAGGOTS

  and he’s like “AW HELL NO, GIRL

  I was gonna ask about conjugal visits in hell

  but I think I need to change my mind

  BECAUSE IT JUST SHAT ITSELF WITH HORROR.”

  And Izanami is like “Come back, bro, don’t be a pussy.”

  And Izanagi is like “HIGGITY-HELL NO.”

  And Izanami is like “Fine, dick.

  How about I kill a thous
and people a day for the rest of eternity?”

  And Izanagi is like “Okay, you do that.

  I will create ONE THOUSAND AND FIVE HUNDRED people every day.

  Suck it, uggo.

  Or actually, don’t suck it.

  I don’t want to come down with a case of maggot dong.”

  So I guess they probably have a bidding war for a while

  where Izanami ups the number of dudes she kills

  and Izanagi ups the number of dudes he makes

  and they keep doing that basically forever, as far as I can tell

  and that’s where overpopulation comes from!

  So the moral of the story

  is that access to safe and effective birth control should be a human right

  because no woman

  should ever have to give birth

  to Japan.

  SUSANOO HAS NO IDEA WHAT HE’S DOING

  So I don’t know whose bright idea it was to have storm gods

  but these guys are nothing but problems.

  We’ve got Zeus for starters

  (I don’t even wanna open that can of philandering worms right now)

  and then there’s Thor

  world-champion ruckus causer

  but as if those two problem machines weren’t enough

  we also have one of the ultimate prodigies of irrational sex and violence.

  Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present to you:

  SUSANOO

  Now I know what you’re thinking

  you’re thinking that SUSANOO sounds like an overacted exclamation from a bad soap opera.

  My friends, I assure you that it is not.

  It is actually the name of the Japanese god of storms

  birthed by Izanagi one day when he was washing his nose.

  So one day Susanoo gets kicked out of heaven for being too rowdy

  and on his way out he goes to say good-bye to his sister Amaterasu.

  Now, Susanoo and Amaterasu are not on the best of terms

  so Amaterasu thinks her bro might be trying to play one last prank on her on his way out

  but Susanoo is like “No, sis, I just wanna say good-bye.

  Here, let me prove my sincerity to you

  by engaging you in a VERY WEIRD CONTEST.”

  So what they do

  is they each pick an inanimate object

  and see how many gods they can make the object give birth to

  because in ancient Japan

  causing unlikely things to give birth

  is a time-honored tradition.

  In fact, having babies the normal way is considered kinda gauche.

  So Amaterasu picks Susanoo’s sword

  and she makes it give birth to three chicks

  and meanwhile Susanoo is using his sister’s necklace to make five dudes