Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes: A No-Bullshit Guide to World Mythology

by Cory O'Brien

  so he gives the gold he DOES have to the celestial goldsmith

  and then he goes all over the sky, collecting investors.

  He’s like “GUYS

  GUYS.

  Have I got a deal for YOU!

  So I don’t know if you’ve noticed

  but there’s a whole world of untapped real estate down underneath this sky place.

  Why, I ask you

  are we totally underutilizing this prime acreage

  when AS WE SPEAK

  dudes could be down there CAUSING PROBLEMS??

  Think about it

  a whole world full of wretched, fleshy problem machines

  for you to set on fire and put your dicks in.”

  And all the gods are like “SIGN ME UP.”

  So Obatala goes back to the jewel smith with a big sack full of gold

  but it STILL won’t quite reach the Earth

  so Obatala is just like “Screw it, man just make it as long as you can.

  I’ll figure something out.

  There’s gotta be some reason I exploded out of my dad’s corpse, right?”

  And then he takes the chicken, the cat, the palm nut and the snail shell full of sand

  and he starts climbing down to Earth.

  I am kinda curious where he got the chicken and stuff from

  seeing as there is not really any land or animal life or anything

  but I’ll let it slide.

  THIS TIME.

  So he gets down to the bottom of the chain

  and he can’t quite reach the dim, watery morass that is the whole world

  so he’s trying to figure out what to do

  when here comes Orunmila’s voice from the sky like “Duuuude:

  Empty out that snail shell.”

  So he does, and the sand falls down below him and it makes some land

  and then Orunmila is like “Duuuude:

  Drop your chicken on the sand.”

  You know what this feels like?

  This feels like one of those adventure games

  where you spend like seventeen hours wandering around the haunted mansion

  with a backpack full of junk and a heart full of fury

  because you didn’t think to stuff the pigeon in the jukebox or something.

  Like, how was Obatala supposed to figure this shit out?

  But anyway, he drops the chicken

  and the chicken kicks the sand all over the place

  and it turns into all the land

  and then Obatala drops down there with the cat

  but then he’s totally out of ideas

  so he just kinda sits there and waits for something to happen.

  About a week later Olorun sends one of his dudes to see what’s up

  and Obatala is like “Man, I dunno.

  This seemed like a great idea, but it’s really dark down here and I’m starting to lose motivation.”

  So this message gets passed along to Olorun

  who is just like “Oh, no problem. Boom.”

  And he makes the sun.

  Are you telling me this dude knew how to make the sun all along

  but couldn’t figure out how to populate the damn Earth?

  Well, whatever.

  What’s important is that Obatala gets super jazzed by all the sunlight

  and he plants that palm nut

  and it turns into a palm tree

  and then he decides to make a bunch of humans out of clay

  because he forgot that that was why he came down here in the first place.

  So he’s working on the hot sun sculpting all these dudes

  and he gets pretty thirsty

  so he starts drinking some palm wine

  because it’s not like he’s SURROUNDED BY WATER or anything.

  So he’s sculpting all the dudes

  and drinking all the wine

  and by the time he’s sculpted the last dude

  he is so tipsy he is basically like a one-man teeter-totter

  like if he were to breathe into a Breathalyzer

  the BREATHALYZER would get drunk.

  Dude is triggity-trashed, is what I am trying to say.

  So Obatala goes and passes out and sleeps off all that wine

  and when he wakes up he goes to admire all the dudes he made

  but he notices that some of the dudes got a little messed up

  because he was so totally plastered when he was molding them.

  Actually, they’re more than a little messed up

  because this is where shit like POLIO and BLINDNESS comes from.

  Great job, Lushy McDrunkenstein

  you invented birth defects.

  Huzzah!

  But to his credit

  Obatala does feel REALLY bad about all this

  and I don’t know whether it’s his guilt

  or the WICKED hangover he must be dealing with

  but he is like “Ugh

  I am NEVER drinking again.”

  And then he doesn’t

  and he also devotes his life to helping crippled dudes

  so I guess it turns out okay.

  So the moral of the story

  is that if you die and it turns out reincarnation exists

  try to come back as a cat

  because that little bastard got a free pass to Earth and he didn’t have to do SHIT.

  LOCAL FATHER DISCOVERS IMMORTALITY WITH THIS ONE WEIRD TIP!

  One day Anansi the Ashanti spider-man is dicking around in the wilderness outside his town

  and he gets bored and thirsty

  and he sees this house with an old man sitting on the porch.

  Now, when I say old

  I mean OLLLLD

  this guy makes the Crypt Keeper look like Natalie fucking Portman.

  So Anansi walks up to this old man

  and he’s like “Excuse me, you fugly sonofabitch

  can I get some ice-cold drinking water?”

  And the old man doesn’t say anything.

  So Anansi is like

  “I said: CAN I GET SOME ICY COLD WATER PRODUCT UP IN HERE?”

  And the old man says nothing.

  So Anansi is like “Please continue sitting motionless if you want me to go inside and raid your fridge.”

  And the old man says nothing

  so Anansi goes inside and has a gay old time.

  He has such a gay time that he comes back the next day

  and the next day

  just straight up pillaging this dude’s pantry.

  And I don’t know what this dude has in his pantry

  but whatever it is, it must be pretty good

  ’cause one day Anansi brings his eldest daughter with him to the house

  and he is like “Thank you so much for all this free food, creepy silent old guy.

  To thank you, here is my eldest daughter.

  You guys are married now. Have fun.

  Also, daughter?

  Go inside and make me a sandwich.”

  And then he eats the sandwich and leaves his daughter and goes home.

  So the next day he goes back for more free food

  and maybe to see his daughter, I guess.

  But his daughter isn’t there.

  WHERE DID SHE GO?

  He knows she likes to play hide-and-seek so he starts looking all over the house

  and finally he goes and looks in the last possible place

  THE OVEN

  and what does he find in there?

  THE WEDDING RING HE GAVE HIS DAUGHTER.

  So he runs outside to the old man like “HEY ASSHOLE

  WHY DID YOU TAKE OFF MY DAUGHTER’S WEDDING RING?

  SHIT WAS EXPENSIVE.”

  And the old man FINALLY starts talking.

  He’s all “Do you know who I am?

  I’m Death.

  You showed up at my house

  you ate all my food

  and then you married me to a gross ugly sp
ider chick without my consent

  so I ATE YOUR DAUGHTER

  and now I am also going to eat YOU.”

  And Anansi is like “No no no.

  I like not having consequences for my actions.

  This seems like a consequence. This is terrible.”

  So he starts running.

  He figures Death is probably pretty slow given how old he is

  but no, he’s keeping up

  and Anansi starts getting tired, so he climbs a tree

  and he’s about to jump to another tree

  when he looks down and sees Death just standing there

  because guess what, guys:

  DEATH CANNOT CLIMB TREES.

  I guess this explains why squirrels are immortal?

  So the personification of death itself is just standing at the bottom of this tree

  and he starts chucking everything in arm’s reach at Anansi

  and eventually he runs out of shit to throw

  and goes to find more shit

  at which point Anansi jumps out of the tree and books it for his house, screaming “HEY, HEY

  WIFE AND KIDS:

  CLIMB UP TO THE CEILING

  DEATH IS COMING.

  MY WILD IRRESPONSIBLITY HAS ONCE AGAIN ENDANGERED MY ENTIRE FAMILY

  AM I, PERHAPS

  THE BEST HUSBAND AND FATHER?”

  And his wife is like

  “WHAT’S THAT?

  I CANT HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF OUR FOUR STARVING CHILDREN

  STUCK HERE ALL DAY WHILE YOU RAID DEATH’S KITCHEN FOR YOURSELF.”

  And Anansi is like “FINE. I’ll take them up to the ceiling MYSELF.”

  So he runs into the house and drags everybody up to the ceiling

  and Death runs in after him and sees everyone up on the ceiling

  and he can’t do a thing about it except pull up a chair

  grab a burlap sack

  and just sit there

  waiting.

  So it’s not too long before Anansi’s youngest son starts losing his grip on the ceiling.

  Wait. Since when has a spider had ceiling problems?

  Spiders LIVE on my fucking ceiling.

  THEY WON’T LEAVE.

  The only explanation is that these spiders are like . . . reverse Spider-Man

  with all the disadvantages of a spider

  coupled with all the disadvantages of a man.

  So anyway, this kid is like “DADDY, HELP!”

  And Anansi is like “HOLD ON, JUNIOR.

  IF YOU FALL, DEATH WILL EAT YOU.”

  So Junior falls

  and Death catches him and is like “I’m only after your dad, kid.

  But I’m still gonna stick you in this burlap sack.”

  Then Anansi’s youngest daughter falls off

  and the same thing happens

  and again and again

  until it’s just Anansi up there

  and he’s about to lose his grip

  when he goes “WAIT!

  DEATH!

  I am SOOOO FAT

  from eating SOOO MUCH OF YOUR FOOD.

  If I fall to the floor I’m totally going to explode on impact

  and then what are you gonna eat?

  Spider guts?

  Gross.

  What you SHOULD do

  is go get my big barrel of flour from the kitchen and put it under me

  so that when I fall, you get a nice breading on me.”

  So Death is like “Dur, okay.

  Just let me leave you alone in the room real quick.”

  And Anansi is like “YESSSS.

  Man, I am such a genius. Holy shit!

  I can’t believe I have LITERALLY CHEATED DEATH with my sheer genius!”

  But by the time Anansi is done congratulating himself Death has come back in with the barrel

  and Anansi is like “Balls.”

  But all is not lost

  because when Death leans over the barrel to make sure it’s centered

  Anansi drops down on the back of his head

  which freaks him out

  because, you know

  spider on his head

  and in the resulting confusion and flour-induced blindness

  Anansi is able to grab his wife and kids and run out the door

  and he’s been escaping Death ever since.

  Actually, that’s why those spiders won’t leave my ceiling.

  It’s because Death still hasn’t figured out how to use ladders.

  So now you know, guys.

  The secret to immortality

  is to duct tape yourself to the ceiling

  You’re welcome.

  ESHU ELEGBA IS PROBABLY THE LAST DUDE YOU WANT APPROVING YOUR FRIENDSHIP

  Okay, so there’s this dude Eshu Elegba, right?

  He’s one of the main gods in the Yoruba pantheon

  and also a pretty crazy dude.

  Basically, he is what it would be like

  if Loki was pretty much allowed to run his whole pantheon.

  He is associated mainly with roads, trickery, pipe-smoking, and dongs.

  The last two may be interrelated.

  Hell, the last three.

  You know what?

  Everything is related to dongs.

  MOVING ON.

  So there are these two farmers.

  They are best buds, and they live across the street from each other.

  So one day they’re sitting out on their respective porches

  enjoying the sunshine and each others’ companionship

  when Eshu Elegba walks by real fast

  and the farmer on the north side of the road is like “Dude, did you see that guy just now?

  The one with the red hat?”

  and the farmer on the south side of the street is like “Uh, I saw a guy

  but he was wearing a BLUE AND WHITE hat.

  I think maybe you’ve had too much to drink.”

  And the first farmer is like “Guess again, shit eyes.

  That guy’s hat was clearly red.”

  And the second farmer is like “YOU are the one with shit for eyes.”

  And the first farmer is like “I’LL SHIT IN YOUR EYES.”

  And just then, Eshu Elegba walks past in the other direction

  and the first farmer is like “Holy balls, you’re right.

  The dude’s hat IS blue and white.”

  And the second guy is like “What are you talking about?

  YOU are the one who is right.

  That guy’s hat is CLEARLY red.”

  And the first farmer is like “YOU KNOW WHAT’S RED?

  MY FIST

  AFTER I USE IT TO RIP YOUR STILL-BEATING HEART FROM YOUR CHEST.”

  And the other guy is all “NOT AS RED AS HIS HAT, YOU SHANDY-PANCAKE.”

  and the first guy is like “WHAT THE HELL IS A SHANDY-PANCAKE?”

  and the second guy is like “I DON’T HAVE TO KNOW WHAT IT IS

  TO CUT YOUR FACE OFF WITH IT.”

  And then the neighbors show up like “Okay, guys, enough is enough.

  We’re gonna take you both to the king and let him sort it out.”

  So they go all the way to the king

  and they get into the throne room

  and then Eshu shows up like “POOF KLAZAM, DICKHEADS.”

  And they see his hat from the front

  because I guess they never tried to look at him

  while he was RUNNING TOWARD OR AWAY FROM THEM

  and WHAT DO YOU KNOW:

  IT’S HALF RED AND HALF WHITE/BLUE

  IT IS BASICALLY THE ULTIMATE U.S.A. PARTY FEDORA

  and Elegba is like “Guess what, guys:

  YOU JUST GOT PUNK’D.

  This is what happens when you make a new friend without consulting me first

  BECAUSE I’M ELEGBA

  APPROVER OF FRIENDSHIPS.

  JK, guys, I actually just kinda wanted to see a fight.

  CAUSING STRIFE I
S MY GREATEST JOY.”

  And then he runs off and everyone is like “Wow.

  Who put that dude in charge of the universe?”

  Which is a question I think has been asked many times about pretty much every god.

  So the moral of the story

  is make sure to eat your carrots

  because good eyesight may just save your friendship.

  CHINESE

  So considering how the current official religion of China

  seems to be something like “Stand still while we bulldoze your house to build this dam”

  it’s hard to put a finger on the relationship between ancient Chinese tales

  and any specific religion.

  In fact

  the way it really works

  is that wayyy back in the day, some dudes got together and made up some sweet stories

  but they kinda forgot to attach a religion to them

  so then later on, all these other religions came along

  like Taoism and Confucianism and Buddhism

  they were all like “Whoa, these myths are pretty sweet!

  Let’s steal them!”

  So all the tropes of the old myths got repurposed to make the points of all these new religions

  and meanwhile

  a whole bunch of the old myths made it through more or less intact

  so in this section

  I’m gonna try to give you a little taste of all the different religions

  that bastardized Chinese mythology

  just like I’m about to.

  PAN GU IS A PRETTY BIG DUDE

  Okay, so Pan Gu, right?

  Apparently he was a dude living inside an egg back in the day.

  Where was the egg, you ask?

  Probably in China

  because that is where this myth is from.

  BZZ

  WRONG.

  CHINA DOESN’T EXIST YET IN THIS STORY.

  THIS IS A CREATION MYTH

  TRY TO KEEP UP.

  Actually this egg is pretty much all there is anywhere

  and inside the egg is all this cool stuff

  like lava and birds and mountains and boobs

  and also this dude Pan Gu, like I said.

  But even though Pan Gu literally has access to EVERYTHING THERE IS

  he gets pretty bored inside this egg

  and he’s like “OKAY, THAT’S ENOUGH.”

  and he picks up an ax and breaks that egg in half LIKE A BOSS.

  Then he proceeds to have an EIGHTEEN-THOUSAND-YEAR growth spurt

  constantly holding the top of the egg balanced on his head in the process

  which basically turns the top of the egg into the sky

  and the bottom into the earth.