Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes: A No-Bullshit Guide to World Mythology

by Cory O'Brien

to take a huge, terrifying phenomenon

  something you can only stare at and go “whoa”

  and turn it into something more our size

  something we can fit inside our puny brains.

  Something really cool, even:

  a story.

  Me, I don’t see much of a difference between Science and Religion.

  First off, in order to successfully apply science

  there are always going to be certain things that you’re taking on faith

  like that the universe behaves rationally or that the accumulation of knowledge is a good thing.

  Without those assumptions you end up like that Descartes dude

  unable to prove anything except that you exist which is just boring.

  And I mean, the first natural philosophers

  (the Greek dudes who are widely credited with getting the whole science thing rolling)

  were offering theories that sounded a lot like myths.

  “The world is a bunch of islands floating on water!”

  “We live on the back of a space turtle, in space!”

  And those explanations were discarded as more satisfying ones came along

  just like how no one really worships Zeus anymore

  because they’ve found gods more compelling than a big adulterer who shoots lightning.

  Some people say that it’s that willingness to reject discredited views

  that willingness to change

  that makes science different from religion.

  I’d say that that willingness to change is just a tenet of the religion of science.

  Hell, voodoo’s gone through an awful lot of changes too

  and a Taoist monk systematically unlearns his world knowledge

  as fast as any scientist can learn it.

  Now, I’m not trying to undermine the importance of science

  personally, I’m all about it.

  And I’m not saying I think Creationism and Evolution should be taught side by side in schools.

  Largely because Creation Science is taught as an aggressive argument against evolution

  as opposed to something that stands on its own.

  Plus it misuses a lot of the methodology of science in a very misleading way

  without accepting most of the founding principles

  which would be a lot like coming up with a basic theory of Christianity

  based on the assumption that God doesn’t exist and that anyone who thinks he does is an asshole.

  No, see what I’m trying to say is that I watch people organizing themselves

  into these neat little conflicts:

  Atheists versus Christians

  Jews versus Muslims

  Fundamentalists versus basically everybody

  and I feel like a kid in a broken home who can’t get Mom and Dad to stop fighting.

  The assumption that every one of these groups is making—

  and I think it’s important to acknowledge that every group, from scientist to Sikh, assumes this—is that they are right. That they are somehow behaving rationally.

  But the fact that we can get so angry about this stuff means that it’s not rational

  and I think we could get a hell of a lot further by synthesizing these beliefs

  than by finding more and more nuanced ways to call each other dicks.

  So I guess the moral of the story

  is that all you religious people need to stop hating on the scientists, and vice versa

  because at the end of the day, we are all united

  by our desire for sweet explosions.

  THE END.

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  Cory O’Brien (aka Ovid Naso)

  is a dude who likes myths a whole lot.

  When he’s not writing them in books

  he is usually yelling them at people in bars

  or posting them on his website bettermyths.com.

  He grew up on top of a hill in Los Angeles, California

  where there are basically no myths at all

  but where one time a guy got shot in the leg outside his friend’s house

  and broke in to use the telephone.

  Now he lives in Chicago, Illinois where it is much colder

  but on the other hand no injured people have broken into his house. Yet.

  He is currently doing an MFA in writing at the School of the Art Institute of Chicago

  not that it shows.

  Also, birds really freak him out.

  They’re like tiny, winged sociopaths.

  Seriously, have you ever looked at those things?

  Table of Contents

  TITLE PAGE

  COPYRIGHT

  DEDICATION

  CONTENTS

  INTRODUCTION

  GREEK

  Cronus Likes to Eat Babies

  Zeus Sticks It to Semele a Little Too Hard

  King Midas Is: GOLDFINGER

  Tiresias Is TWICE the Man/Woman You’ll Ever Be

  Narcissus Probably Should Have Just Learned to Masturbate

  Persephone Is the Mother of Invention . . . No, Wait . . .

  Hephaestus Gets Dicked Around a Lot

  Orpheus Rocks Hard

  Friends Don’t Let Friends Bang Cows

  NORSE

  The Norse Are METAL

  Thor Gets Hammered

  Odin Gets Construction Discounts with Bestiality

  Fenrir Is a DILF

  Sex 4 Gold

  Thor Gets Jacked

  All’s Well That Mimir’s Well

  The End of the Norse World as We Know It

  EGYPTIAN

  Ra Has Sex with Himself

  Ra and Sekhmet, or: How Beer Saved the Universe

  Isis Has Bad Taste in Jewelry

  Thoth Is Just Giving Out Scorpions

  Horus Jerks Off in Set’s Salad

  MAYAN

  The Mayans Have the Most Brutal Calendar

  Hunahpú and Xbalanqué: ULTIMATE BALLERS

  Zipacna and the Four Hundred Boys

  JUDEO-CHRISTIAN

  God Makes a Lot of Stuff

  Cain and Abel Invent the Sibling Rivalry

  Abraham Is Totally Cool About Stabbing His Kid in the Face

  Noah Is on a BOAT

  King Solomon and the Disposable Baby

  HINDU

  The Hindus Like to Chop Dudes Up

  Shiva Cannot Be Stopped

  Anything Kali Can Do, Shiva Can Do Better

  Ganesh Is the Very Definition of an Unplanned Pregnancy

  JAPANESE

  Izanami Gets Real Sore

  Susanoo Has No Idea What He’s Doing

  Amaterasu and the Crippling Depression

  Tanukis Have Big Balls

  AFRICAN

  Obatala Has a Drinking Problem

  Local Father Discovers Immortality with This One Weird Tip!

  Eshu Elegba Is Probably the Last Dude You Want Approving Your Friendship

  CHINESE

  Pan Gu Is a Pretty Big Dude

  Chang’e Is a Substance Abuser

  Fei Chang-Fang and the Poop Mystic

  SUMERIAN

  The Ancient Sumerians Knew How to Party

  Enki and Nimmah Party Far Too Heartily

  Gilgamesh and Enkidu: ULTIMATE BROMANCE

  NATIVE AMERICAN

  Wisakedjak Is Highly Irresponsible

  Killer-of-Enemies and the International House of Vaginas

  Rabbit Takes Summer Fun to the Next Level

  The Moon Is Made of Meat

  UNITED STATES OF AMERICAN

  The Creation Myth . . . of AMERICA

  John Henry Was a Steel-Drivin’ Man

  Paul Bunyan Was a Log-Drivin’ Man

  Pecos Bill Was a Cattle-Drivin’ Man

  Davy Crockett Talks a Big Game

  This Is What Tom Cruise Believes In

  CONCLUSION

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  p; Cory O'Brien, Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes: A No-Bullshit Guide to World Mythology