Bridesmaids

by Zara Stoneley

  ‘It’s probably just last-minute nerves.’

  I don’t want to explain about Beth and Jack, about baby Joe. He’ll shoot his big mouth off and tell everybody, and I could end up being the only bridesmaid left. ‘But.’ I take a deep breath. This could be my last chance to sort this out. It’s now or never. This is my opportunity to do what I told Maddie I’d do. Get this out in the open. ‘I don’t like keeping secrets from her, I hate myself for not saying something, I should have told her about you and Lexie. She’s my best friend, Michael.’

  ‘I get that.’ He seems to relax a bit. ‘But we’re for keeps, Jane.’ He shrugs. ‘I’ll tell her myself if it means that much to you.’

  Phew. I can feel the weight roll off my shoulders. ‘Really? You will?’ This is a turn up for the books. Has he had a nasty knock on the head that has turned him into a different person? I haven’t even had to confront him, to insist on anything!

  ‘It was just a slip up.’

  Or rather a slip in. But that would sound bitchy. He is trying.

  ‘Sure. I just want you guys to start with a clean slate, you know, no secrets.’ I nod vigorously to drive the point home.

  ‘So do I.’

  ‘So you will tell her. Everything? Honest?’

  ‘Honest.’ He smiles then, a charming warm smile and I know why Rachel fell for him, and why she’s prepared to forgive him.

  ‘When?’ I can’t help myself, I’m still slightly suspicious.

  He laughs. ‘I’ve always thought you were a bit barmy you know, but you’re a good mate, aren’t you? Don’t worry.’ He pokes me on the nose, which is a bit annoying, but right now I can put up with that ‘I’ll tell her before the wedding.’

  I’m shocked and impressed. So impressed I almost hug him, or that could be because I’m pissed not impressed.

  He high-fives me, job done, then walks off in Rachel’s direction.

  ‘Everything okay?’

  I glance up at Freddie, he looks slightly dishevelled after his escape through the bathroom window, so I brush him down. ‘Erm, I think so.’

  ‘So that’s Michael?’

  ‘That’s Michael!’

  ‘Hmm.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Nothing.’ He’s staring after Michael in a not-nothing way. ‘Just checking. He’s changed a bit since school.’ He snaps out of it then and grins, his gorgeous toe-curling grin. ‘You did it then? You had words?’ He raises an eyebrow, it makes me laugh.

  ‘I did. He’s going to tell her.’ I’m on a high. Delirious.

  ‘Definitely?’

  I frown at him ‘Definitely! It was just a one-off, and it was ages ago. You know what? I think it’s all going to be okay, I think he does really love her!’

  ‘Fantastic.’ He kisses my cheek, ‘so, it’s all systems go?’ and gives me a double thumbs-up.

  ‘All systems go!’ I’m shattered, but I have done my duty. ‘You wouldn’t mind if we called it a day and went home? If you don’t mind that is?’

  He smiles, slips his arm round me, rests his warm hand on my waist. ‘I don’t mind at all.’ The way he squeezes my waist tells a story all of its own.

  ‘Oh, er, I’m staying at Mum and Dad’s, driving home in the morning. No, erm, nookie tonight.’

  He laughs, a lovely rumbling laugh that fills me with gorgeous anticipation. ‘I was thinking of skipping that, driving back to ours?’

  ‘Mmm, I like the sound of that!’ I’m grinning ear to ear, I know I am. ‘I’ll just say ‘bye to everybody, won’t be a minute!’

  I’m just about to head off and look for Rachel, so I can say goodbye, when Maddie appears. She looks happy. I can’t bear to pop her bubble and tell her that Beth isn’t the new bestie she’s pretending to be. ‘Great party, isn’t it? I can’t wait for the wedding! Are you off?’

  ‘I need an early night, I’ve, got a ton of work to do tomorrow. It’s been fun though.’

  ‘Great fun, and,’ she shrugs her shoulders in excitement, ‘I’ve finally broken the ice with Jack!’

  Hasn’t everybody? Well, not exactly ice.

  ‘Oh great! Fab!’

  ‘We had a good chat, he told me about you breaking his arm!’ She giggles. I wonder what else he has and hasn’t said. Then she hugs me unexpectedly hard. ‘Thanks for talking to him Jane, you’re brilliant. You should say bye to him before you go, I think he’s chatting to Beth.’

  ‘Beth?’ I try to look neutral.

  ‘They’re probably talking about baby Joe again.’ She smiles, totally at ease and benevolent. She must be totally pissed.

  Yeah, yeah, I bet they are. I hug her back. ‘Oh, right. What a mess.’ Mess is not a big enough word.

  Maddie sighs, then brushes my hair off my face. ‘I know, but things work out how they’re supposed to in the end don’t they?’ A philosophical drunk. ‘I’m glad Beth finally decided to come clean and managed to talk to somebody about it. It must have been so hard.’

  ‘I. Suppose. So.’ My words are coming out in slow-mo. I think I have woken up in another dimension. This is all too odd, and too much to cope with at this time of night after so much to drink.

  ‘She didn’t want to upset anyone, but she couldn’t stay away. She needed to see him. It’s so hard keeping a massive secret like that, isn’t it?’

  I nod. It certainly is. Then, I realise I can’t help myself. I have to say something, it can’t do any harm now. She knows about baby Joe, and she’s obviously moved on now.

  Just like Jack did when he thought she’d really dumped him. Though I need to be sober and have a calendar in front of me before I can be sure if Beth came before or during Sally. Definitely after Maddie though. I squeeze Maddie’s hands. ‘He did still love you, you know. He’s still very fond of you.’ I know fond is a bit of a crap word, but I don’t feel I can push it any further.

  ‘Really?’ She smiles, then kisses me on the cheek.

  ‘Really. He told me.’ I grin. ‘Just before I broke his arm.’

  Maddie grins back, then pulls away and grins at Freddie. ‘I can’t wait to meet you properly at the wedding, you look so good together and I’m so happy for you both, you deserve one of the good guys, Jane! Ooh, I’m so excited! Night!’

  ‘Night, Mads.’ She doesn’t hear, she’s already gone.

  ‘So, I’m a good guy, am I?’

  ‘Yes, Freddie, you are an excellent one.’ I am totally exhausted after everything that’s happened tonight. Talk about drama. But as I link my arm through his and smile up at him somehow I know everything will be okay. With Freddie by my side, how can it not be? ‘Take me home, please?’

  Chapter 29

  We didn’t make it home, but we didn’t get to my parents either. We are currently shacked up in a Premier Inn and I have just got round to removing my bra properly, after an athletic workout that involved the shower, wardrobe, loo and bed. I mean you do have to use the facilities you are paying for, don’t you? I make it a rule to either use or take with me every single complimentary packet of everything. Even the shoe-polishing kit and shower cap, they’re quite useful as Christmas-cracker fillers, and go down better than the free trolley tokens the supermarket sometimes hand out.

  Anyway, I’ve never used the facilities quite so thoroughly before, or left an impression of my bottom on a TV. Why don’t they mount them higher, out of harm’s way?

  ‘I’ve got a confession.’

  I am sprawled across Freddie’s chest, twirling a hair and wondering whether it would be too obvious and prudish to pull the sheet over myself, as I don’t think I can hold my stomach in much longer. He is running his fingers through my hair in a way that is making my scalp tingle. Other bits are starting to tingle as well, but I’m not convinced I have enough energy to do anything else just yet. Maybe I should suggest watching TV (after I’ve wiped it down) and a nice cup of tea – we’ve not used the kettle yet. ‘You hate Mission Impossible, you only watched it for me?’

  ‘Not quite.’ The corner of Fred
die’s mouth is quirked up, but it’s not its usual grin. He looks a bit like a Labrador that’s been caught stealing the Sunday roast.

  ‘What?’ I frown, stop twiddling and stop thinking about how long the biscuits might have been on the tray.

  ‘I knew about Lexie and Michael.’

  ‘What?’ My heart does a hiccup. I stop lolling on his chest and sit bolt upright, and stare at him with what could be a confused look on my face, or it could be more I’m going to kill you. Who the hell doesn’t know about Lexie? Just Rachel? ‘What do you mean, you knew?’

  ‘I’m her friend on Facebook.’

  ‘How can you be her friend?’ How can the man I share everything with be Lexie’s friend?

  ‘I, erm, might have been out for a drink with her.’

  ‘What?’ Facebook friend is bad enough, but this is real, in-person, full-3D friend.

  ‘In a group of course.’ He adds hastily. ‘She’s friends with this girl I knew, we all went to a Star Wars convention!’

  Lexie is the least ‘Star Wars convention’ person I can think of.

  ‘Ages ago,’ he adds, as though that makes a difference. ‘She talks about Michael all the time.’

  ‘What? Talked or talks?’ I eye him up suspiciously and wonder who exactly this man I’ve just had rampant sex with really is.

  ‘Talks.’

  ‘Why the fuck didn’t you tell me?’ It comes out on a gasp, and then I stare at him and do a goldfish impression. I don’t know what is most shocking, the fact he knows, or the fact that Lexie still talks about Michael – as though something might still be going on! And I don’t know who I’m most angry with, Michael for so obviously lying to me or Freddie for not actually owning up to this earlier.

  ‘I don’t really know Michael, and I’ve not seen him for years, so I wasn’t totally positive it was him from the photo she posted, until I just saw him tonight. He looked vaguely familiar, but I didn’t realise he was Rachel’s Michael.’ He looks a bit miffed, which is most unlike Freddie, but I’m too wound up to take much notice.

  ‘Not totally positive? But why didn’t you say? If you thought it was him, why didn’t you show me flaming photos!’

  ‘Well, I didn’t know that he’d ever had a fling with Lexie, until you mentioned it earlier, did I?’ There’s a defensive note in his voice. ‘Then I realised it had to be him. There aren’t many Lexie’s about, are there?’

  Well, that explains why he looked so startled and, well, uneasy. I’d just thought he’d been confused.

  ‘It didn’t seem to matter, and it doesn’t, does it?’

  ‘It does!’ I can’t put into words exactly why it is so important, but it is. This means that it might not be over. This means that Michael has been lying to me as well as to Rachel, and that he probably hasn’t got any intention of telling her the whole story. The lying, deceitful toad! If I’d known this earlier I could have made him tell me exactly what was going on.

  I scowl. I thought Freddie and I shared everything, I thought it was a two-way thing.

  ‘Oh, God, Freddie!’ I am so angry I can hardly speak. ‘She’s still talking about him! I should have known, I should have told Rach!’

  ‘Well, it’s sorted now, isn’t it? Michael’s going to tell her.’

  ‘But they’re this close,’ I put thumb and finger together, ‘to getting married and now you’re saying that this thing between them happened more than just that once!’ My heart is thumping so hard in my chest it feels like it’s going to burst out. I feel sick, dizzy. This changes everything.

  ‘Shit. I should have told her earlier, I knew I should.’ I start to pace, then go faster, and charge round the room, grabbing clothes, and just, well, charging. I’m all pent up and feel all hollow inside.

  I was so totally selfish leaving this until now, not telling Rachel at the time. And I am so angry at Freddie for not warning me.

  ‘I can’t believe you did this. You should have told me!’

  ‘It’ll be fine.’ His words have an edge to them, and I know I’ve upset him, but I can’t help it. ‘Just calm—’

  ‘Don’t you dare tell me to calm down!’ I know I’m overreacting, but I can’t believe he’s done this. I can’t believe that all along, when I’ve been telling him about my worries, my guilt, he’s known the bloody girl at the centre of it.

  Maybe it’s guilt, maybe it’s because these last few weeks have been a total emotional whirlwind for me, or maybe it’s because in my heart I’m still worried that Freddie and I should have stayed just good friends, but all of a sudden I want to rewind time. Undo all of this. Not be here having this conversation.

  ‘I didn’t think it mattered, Jane.’

  I know I’ve cocked up not telling Rach. I know Andy cocked up not telling me how he felt earlier, and I know that right now all I want to do is curl up in my own bed.

  ‘You’re as bad as they are! What is wrong with men? You’re all as bad as each other!’ The words burst out before I can stop them.

  ‘That’s not fair, and you know it!’

  I know it’s not, the moment the words come out of my mouth I know I’m not being reasonable.

  ‘I don’t know anything any more.’ I know if this conversation goes on any longer, I might say something I’ll regret.

  ‘I think we better go, don’t you?’ Freddie’s voice is tight, I just nod and don’t say a word. We pay the bill, get back in the car, and head for the motorway.

  We’ve been travelling for an hour or so when the silence starts to get at me. I hate long drawn out silence, it generally means something bad is about to happen, or already has.

  We’ll soon be home and I don’t want us to be like this when we get there.

  ‘Sorry, it’s just I need to trust you, I thought you told me everything.’ It comes out a bit stilted. ‘I was a bit wound up and it just kind of tipped me …’

  ‘You can trust me! It’s just …’ there’s a long pause.

  ‘What?’ A feeling of dread wraps its way round my heart. I just know he’s about to say something terrible, that there’s another reason for him being so defensive about this. Apart from me being a totally unreasonable, shouty, cow.

  ‘I’m pretty sure Lexie has seen Michael more than once. And quite recently.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘I promised I wouldn’t say anything to anybody. I wanted to say something,’ he gives me a sideways look, ‘but she’d said they were sorting it, and I thought if I told you it might screw things up between us.’

  I glare, I am speechless. Well, not quite.

  ‘And I still wasn’t totally positive that her Michael was Rachel’s.’

  ‘He’s not her bloody Michael! How could you not tell me?’

  He shrugs. ‘It is up to them to sort it though, not us, isn’t it?’

  ‘Fuck.’ I can’t think of anything else to say.

  He sighs, flicks the windscreen wipers on, and I watch them swish from side to side, and try not to explode.

  ‘Look, Jane, I know all this has been difficult, so,’ there’s another long pause, ‘I was going to suggest that after the wedding we do something different, make a fresh start.’

  ‘What?’ All I can do is stare at him. I’m still seething, and worrying about Rachel, and this conversation has just taken a very strange turn.

  ‘Away from here, away from London, all the bad memories, people …’

  ‘They’re not just people, they’re my friends!’

  ‘Well, you can visit your friends, like you do now. I’ve, erm, been offered a job in Scotland.’

  ‘Scotland?’ I frown.

  ‘I thought maybe if you came as well?’

  ‘But why would I want to go to Scotland?’ I realise that could be taken the wrong way, as a bit of an insult. ‘I can’t, Freddie! I like it where we are. I need to be near London.’

  ‘You don’t though, do you? You can work from anywhere.’

  ‘No, I can’t.’ It’s my turn to sigh. ‘All my contact
s are here, the right places, people. You know that! And my friends are here.’ If I have any left after all this. ‘Rach, my parents.’

  ‘You did fine with your Brighton photos.’ There’s a stiffness in his voice that I’ve never heard before. ‘Take more like that. Strike out on your own.’

  ‘I don’t want to take more like that, this is my career.’ I can hear the wobble in my voice. I’m not yet ready to start out on my own. Of all people, Freddie is the one that I thought knew that. That understood. He knows that! He’s trying to force me to move before I can. I’m not good enough as I am, doing what I do at my own pace. ‘I like what I do.’

  ‘No, you don’t.’ He sighs again. ‘You have to take the leap some time, Jane. Maybe now is the time. And it’s a good job offer.’

  I can’t move, not yet. The life I’m living, working for Coral is what I need right now. The photos I’m taking for her are a part of me, they are me. I have to be good enough just the way I am, doing what I do. In my own time.

  ‘It’s my fault for barging in and rushing things, if you can’t trust me then you obviously do need some space, time. Decide what you want to do. This isn’t about me and you, is it? It’s just about you, and your friends and doing things your way. And I can’t compete with that.’ His voice is scarily soft, and there’s a note of finality that sends a shiver down my spine. This is it. He’s going to walk away. I don’t know how we’ve got to this, how it’s all blown up.

  ‘I do know what I want to do! And it is about me and you, but I need time!’ I notice out of the corner of my eye that we’ve pulled into our road. ‘But,’ I have to say this, the thing that really bothers me about ‘us’, the thing that would always make me hesitate to take the giant step and follow him to wherever he wants us to go, ‘I obviously can’t compete with your perfect woman either, can I? The one you can’t get out of your head!’

  ‘There isn’t another perfect woman.’ His voice is dangerously soft. ‘Just the one.’