Seeking Hope: Book 2 in the Seeking Saga

by Becky Poirier

  She sighed again as she stifled a yawn. It wasn’t that late, but I felt the exhaustion of everything as well. Sleep was starting to sound good, if only to let go of everything for a little while.

  “Tonight, let’s sleep and leave the worrying for the morning,” April suggested.

  I nodded as I made my way over to my bed. April was busy making up her bed on the Sofa.

  “April?”

  “Yes?”

  “I don’t think I can sleep alone tonight. Will you sleep with me?” I felt like a little child worrying about the monsters under the bed. The truth was, that I was terrified that the monsters from my dreams would attack me while I slept. We hadn’t slept by each other since coming here, but now I really needed that.

  “You promise not to kick?” she asked, with one raised eyebrow.

  “You promise not to snore?” She laughed as she crawled under the covers snuggling up beside me in the bed.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  I was both dreading and eager to see Jack the next morning. All I wanted, was to know that we were really going to be okay. He’d said it, but there was still this fear in the back of my mind, that I’d scared him off for good. It was a wonder I hadn’t tossed and turned all night, with the stress of everything. I was pretty sure I’d exhausted myself emotionally, which helped me sleep through my sister’s snoring. At least she wasn’t too loud. She even thanked me for keeping my feet to myself.

  I’d woken up before April and was all ready to leave, as she was still stumbling around trying to make herself get dressed. Apparently even without my kicking, she hadn’t slept as well. I had a feeling she’d been up doing a lot of thinking. She didn’t say so; but I could see the lines of worry in her eyes as well as rings of red. She so rarely cried that it was a strange sight to me. One I really didn’t know how to handle. So, I pretended not to notice.

  I was ready to take off and find Jack; but April insisted that I wait for her. “Could you hurry it up then?” I stood at the door, impatiently bouncing in place. She rolled her eyes at me as she sat back down on the bed and slowly put her socks on. “Oh, come on,” I grunted. She laughed.

  “I personally think you and Jack are spending a little too much time together. It makes for a healthier relationship if you have your own time.”

  “Because that’s exactly how you and Andy were in the early days. It wasn’t like you were all over each other night and day, and with each other every possible moment of the day,” I replied sarcastically. I’d said his name without thinking. It was like it used to be when his name didn’t bring up pain. It had just slipped out so naturally. I worried that April might lose it; but she acted as though me talking about him was just an ordinary topic of discussion.

  “We’re not discussing me. We’re discussing you here. Anyways, I’m almost ready,” she said slowly buttoning up her jacket.

  I rushed over to her, looped my arm through hers and dragged her off the bed towards the door. “You’re ready.” When I opened the door; I almost ran right into Jack’s hand which was all poised for knocking. He blushed as he dropped his hand down to his side.

  My cheeks flushed. There was a part of me that hated that reaction to being in Jack’s presence, but the other part of me knew I should enjoy this stage. The part of our relationship, where my heart wouldn’t stop pounding in his presence, wouldn’t last forever.

  “I was just coming to find you,” I said with both excitement and a hint of fear. He was acting a little weird standing awkwardly in front of me. I was trying hard not to recall how his hands felt against my body, prior to my freak-out.

  “Oh,” he replied. Not the reaction I was hoping for. He quickly recovered himself. “I mean I was planning on looking for you too. I just thought you’d be at the dining hall already. I was actually hoping that I could talk with April for a moment.”

  “Me?” April asked confused. I didn’t know if I liked the idea of the two of them being alone together. My sister still wasn’t impressed with what Jack, and I almost did. She’d acted before like she was expecting it. But I think expecting something to take place and walking in on it, are two very different things.

  “If you don’t mind.” Jack was acting uncomfortable and the more I watched him the more I realized his awkwardness wasn’t with me, it was April. Whatever he wanted to talk about with her was making him nervous. At least he wasn’t uncomfortable around me; but it only made me curious about what he could possibly want to talk to her about. “I’ll meet you at the dining hall after,” he said to me. He gave me a quick peck on the forehead. It wasn’t exactly dismissive; but he was making it clear, that unlike what April had done the other night, he expected this conversation to be a private one.

  I wasn’t happy about it, but I figured if worse came to worse, I could just push April into spilling the contents of their conversation later. Even though it drove me crazy, I walked away down the icy path, trying my best not to slip or look back at my cabin door closing.

  A couple of months ago, I would have been terrified walking on the ice. The constant worry that I’d reinjure my leg had plagued me for a while. But after a couple close calls, I realized that my leg was better. Not completely whole, but better.

  I’d probably always walk with a little limp, but that was better than needing a cane. And I knew that if I needed to run, I’d be able to. Billy wanted to get me out running as soon at the spring weather hit. Even though I’d recovered well, that didn’t mean Billy was letting me off the hook with my rehab. I still had to see him once a week and he was every bit as brutal as before. Maybe even more so now that he knew I didn’t need the cane.

  Billy was limited to indoor torture at the moment, due to the weather. We were only at the beginning of December, so I still had some time to build up my endurance before spring. I’d rather be in the warmth of the clinic than out in the cold anyways.

  The village was looking beautiful with the frost on the roof tops and the blanket of snow on the ground. Some people had decided that given the time of year, we should make the village look a little more festive. They’d hung fake garlands they’d found in a discount store, on the main buildings. They’d even managed to hang some pretty white Christmas lights. Not that we were allowed to light them up. They were a waste of power. They would be lit for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day only.

  Even with the lights unlit, they still brought back the sweet memories of my parents arguing over which set of lights to put up. My mom would have loved these ones. They were what she called classy, instead of the tacky multi-colour ones my dad loved. Dad would have said they were boring.

  These boring white ones were just what I needed to see. April wouldn’t say so, but I was pretty sure she was thinking of the same sweet memories when she looked at them too. I’d gone back and forth over the past couple months, over my decision to stay here permanently. Not that I told April. But now, as bittersweet as it was to remember my family, I was positive that this was home. It hurt to let my family go. My vision or whatever it was I had of my father, wasn’t enough to make me believe any of them were still out there. It was possible the whole thing was just a figment of my imagination.

  I had to remind myself that the likelihood that any of my family were still alive wasn’t very high and that I still had April here. If we went off searching for our lost family, I could lose her too. I hoped when spring came, I could convince her of my logic. For now, whenever she brought up leaving, I’d just smile and nod.

  By the time I reached the dining hall, it was already half full. During the winter we got to stay in bed an hour later to help off-set the darkness. Our workdays were also shorter because of the extreme weather. It was already proving to be a cold winter and we weren’t even officially into winter yet. I wasn’t looking forward to what the really cold days would be like. My winter jacket was thin, which allowed for the chilly air to sink into my bones. They saved the good winter gear for those who had to work outside. I, and many others, got whatever was left
over. When I was inside it wasn’t so bad, the clothes I had were sufficient. But outside was another story.

  The wave of heat emanating from the central wood burning stove was a welcome relief. I felt warmth seeping back into every part of me as I searched the room for a familiar face. It didn’t take long for one to find me. Kaia hopped out of her seat the moment she spotted me.

  She rushed over towards me wrapping her arms around my waist. It was her normal greeting now, but that didn’t mean I was used to it. It always took me a moment to return her hug. The only people I ever hugged before were family, so it felt weird to hug anyone else.

  “It’s about time you made it here sleepy head,” she pretended to scold as she dragged me over to the buffet set up. “You almost missed the good stuff.” She pointed to a few warm gooey cinnamon rolls sitting under a heat lamp. I immediately put one on my plate. Kaia laughed. We rarely had sweets. If we were lucky, they’d bake something up twice a month. When they did make something like this, they went fast.

  I decided that I should have something healthy also, so I grabbed a glass of milk and a bowl of oatmeal. Kaia and I joined her brother and grandmother who were wrapping up their meals. Little Charlie was polishing off his cinnamon roll as his grandmother sighed at his full bowl of oatmeal. “That’s not going to sustain you through the morning,” she warned.

  “But it tastes so good,” he mumbled, as he licked the icing off his fingers. I laughed and he smiled a gooey smile back at me.

  Charlie was probably the only kid in the community that had warmed up to me. Then again, I wasn’t exactly that great with the other children. It wasn’t like I was mean or anything, but I think I gave off an unwelcoming vibe due to my discomfort. The only reason Charlie liked me was because his sister did. He also wasn’t as annoying as the other kids. He had a maturity beyond his years, which made him easy to talk to.

  “Grandma says that you’re going to start teaching us to knit again, is that true?” Charlie asked.

  Charlie wasn’t really all that talented at knitting, but he’d been one of the most eager of my students. I’d stopped teaching the group of kids after I’d sliced my hand up. It had healed a while ago, but with winter upon us, my time had been dedicated to building up our supplies of gloves, scarves, and hats. But his grandmother Sofia had approached me a few days earlier, about starting the class back up, so that the kids could make Christmas gifts for their families.

  Christmas hadn’t been something I’d celebrated in a long time. Both April and I were shocked to learn that they still celebrated it here in the village. And while I’d been happy to have the kid’s class stop, I felt excited at the prospect of participating in something festive. I hadn’t realized how much I missed Christmas or maybe it was just the idea of celebrating something, anything. So, I agreed. I’d gone straight home and started sketching out a whole bunch of different project ideas so the kids could decide what to make.

  I nodded to Charlie, who was still waiting for an answer. His face lit up with excitement. “What are we going to make?” he asked.

  “Charlie let her eat her breakfast,” Sofia scolded. “We have to wash up and go set up the cabin for class later anyways. You’ll find out what you’re making later.” He looked disappointed but didn’t bother arguing with his grandmother. She was a kind lady, but I knew from what Kaia told me that she had a stern side too.

  “I promise it will be worth the wait Charlie,” I said. He smiled as he gathered his dishes to return to the kitchen. “I should be at the cabin in a half an hour Sofia,” I said, as she turned to leave with her grandson.

  An odd look crossed her face. It was one that I couldn’t quite place. Maybe it was discomfort. “There’s no need to rush. You get there when you can dear. I’m not planning on starting kid’s class until the afternoon and there are plenty of others to get the work done.” She didn’t wait for a response from me as she took off after Charlie.

  “What was that about?” I asked Kaia, my eyebrows raised in confusion.

  Kaia shrugged. “Beats me. Are you going to finish your cinnamon roll?” She asked as she reached for it. I pulled my plate out of her reach.

  “Yes, so hands off.” She gave me a little puppy dog pout. I stuffed the rest of my roll in my mouth. “Mmmm, it’s so good,” I mumbled with my mouth full.

  Kaia, unlike me apparently, did need to rush off. Along with her usual responsibilities working along side me and her grandmother, she also had school. School was still such a strange concept for me. I’d been out of school for more than six years. Just before the plague started, my parents had decided that the world was just too dangerous, and I’d started home schooling. A lot of parents made the same decisions that year. Here, there were so few students, that they met for just a couple hours a day in the teacher’s cabin. Kaia complained about it being a waste of her time, but I envied her. My education was more practical, worldly survival, hers’ was intellectual. There’d been a time I’d headed down that path. I’d wanted to study history, be a professor, but that was another life.

  I took my time with the rest of my meal, hoping that maybe Jack might finally show up. But he never did, and I couldn’t exactly wait all day for him. And with how long his conversation with my sister was taking, I wasn’t so sure I wanted to meet up with him anymore. It was childish of me, but I was jealous. After what happened the night before, I wanted him to want to talk to me. To spend what little time he had free with me. But he’d wanted to see my sister first thing. I didn’t like it or trust it.

  I was in my haze of frustration and jealousy when I walked straight into her. Stupid me. The last person I wanted to run into right now, was Michelle. Of course, she’d be there at my weakest moment. But she was like a predator lying in wait for its next meal. Before our eyes even met, she sensed that something was off with me. And it didn’t take her more than a second to figure out the cause. The evil smirk on her face, only made the anger boil up inside me more. But I tried to shove it down so she couldn’t see.

  “A little distracted, are we?” she gloated, as I put my dishes with the other dirty ones. I tried to walk past her, but she blocked my way. “Trouble in paradise already?” She planted a fake sympathetic pout on her face. I wanted to punch the smug look right off her face. “Well don’t worry sweetheart you won’t have to deal with the drama of young love much longer.” She pushed past me, shoving her shoulder into my arm hard.

  I rubbed my arm, trying to make the pain go away. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?” I said, turning around after her. I knew better than to give into her taunts, but I couldn’t help myself. I hated it when she made strange threats. Before I wouldn’t have given much heed to them. But after our last encounter, I wasn’t so sure she was as harmless as I’d been led to believe.

  She reached over the counter pulling out a bright red apple that looked to have been freshly picked from the greenhouse orchard. “Oh, you’ll see soon enough,” she said, as she took a big bite out of her juicy apple.

  I tried to ignore the knot growing inside of me. Just last night I’d thought everything was going to be okay. Jack and I had been closer than ever. I thought we were finally going to experience the physical part of our relationship, only to ruin it with a stupid flashback that I should have been able to control. Now life was flipped upside down again. I suppose I should have been used to it by now. My life was never normal and even this village couldn’t make it that way. Maybe I was just fooling myself into believing I could be normal, be happy.

  I walked out of the dining hall, leaving the noise of the breakfast crowd behind me. But the noise in my head was so much louder than the crowd. The voices kept telling me to give up. There is no hope. You have no future, not here, not with Jack. Before this place, I didn’t have the luxury to think like that. In some ways, the life I lived before was easier. Living from moment to moment, didn’t allow you the opportunity to be depressed.

  Depressed, it was a word I’d heard my father use a lot in his
practice as a councillor. But the word never meant anything to me before. But now that I thought about it and all the overwhelming emotions swirling around inside my mind, it was starting to mean something. If my father were around, he’d probably force me into one of his impromptu counselling sessions. We all hated them. We never knew when one was coming. All we knew was that he’d often pick the worst moment to have one. With my sister it was right after she found out she was pregnant. She still hadn’t told anyone. Not even Andy and somehow our father knew something was off. And even though April managed to lie, she couldn’t completely hide what was going on with her.

  It was ridiculous to be depressed when I had a reason to live, but the negative thoughts overwhelmed all rational thought. If Jack didn’t want me anymore, I didn’t know how I could handle that. It wasn’t some silly puppy love between us. It was so much more, at least for me. Though he told me it was real, we still hadn’t said those all important three words to each other yet. Maybe he didn’t feel it. I was already in love with him. Was I just as crazy as Michelle? Just as obsessed?

  I was just on the verge of tears, when Jack came rushing up, stopping me in my tracks. He looked excited to see me, up until he saw the look in my eyes. No tears had managed to escape, but it wasn’t hard to tell how close I was. I felt ashamed for letting him see me this weak…again. He was seeing a lot of my weaknesses lately and I didn’t want that.

  I’d held on so long. It was ridiculous for me to let Michelle’s threats break through my wall. I’d often felt frustrated with April’s wall, not realizing I had one of my own. Now I understood why she defended hers so vigorously. Michelle, and recent circumstances, were threatening to crush my wall completely until it was no more than rubble.

  “I’m sorry I took so long. I meant to be there with you sooner.” He reached out to touch my cheek, but I pulled away. Hurt flashed in his eyes only for a moment before he cleared it.