Seeking Hope: Book 2 in the Seeking Saga

by Becky Poirier

  “Don’t ever stop doing that.”

  “Doing what?”

  “Making me laugh,” I whispered as I leaned up to kiss him.

  Our kiss started out soft. He wiped away my tears as he caressed my face. It didn’t last that way. The same hunger we always felt, drove the kiss deeper. Jack was pulling me into his body, and I could feel the heat making its way through my own. I wanted him so bad. It took every ounce of strength I had to pull away from this kiss.

  “I’m sorry. If you’re not ready. We can wait. I don’t want you to have another…”

  “That’s not what this is about,” I said standing up and pulling the beautiful hair clip out of my hair. I let it fall to the couch as I rung my hands through my hair.

  Jack stood up, wrapping his arms around my waist. “Just talk to me. Tell me what’s going on inside your head.”

  “I don’t want to get pregnant,” I said collapsing back on the couch.

  “Neither do I.” He knelt in front of me, taking my hands in his.

  “You don’t?”

  “You’re seventeen. That’s way too young.”

  “I’ll be eighteen on the thirty-first,” I laughed. But it was a weak laugh.

  “That’s not funny Summer. You’re so young. We’re both so young. It’s not that I don’t want to have kids. I do. But I hate the idea that it’s being forced on us.”

  I looked over his shoulders at the dancing flames. The whole kids’ conversation probably should have happened before we got married. Jack had told me about the three-month deadline, but of course I hadn’t heard that part. I heard the Michelle part, and the me paired with Billy part.

  I looked back into Jack’s eyes as a single tear ran down my cheek. “I don’t ever want to be pregnant.” Jack looked at me curiously, but before he could respond, I continued. “It’s not that I don’t like kids. I do. I feel really awkward around them, and I’m honestly terrible with babies.” Jack laughed. “But if I get pregnant, I’ll just lose the pregnancy. It’s what happened to April. I watched her fall apart, over and over again, with every miscarriage. I’m not strong enough to go through that Jack.”

  Jack moved to sit beside me. “Why do you think that’ll happen to you?”

  “Because April and I both have the same negative Rh factor to our blood. When you have a negative blood type and your partner is positive, the body can attack the embryo. It happened every single time with April. It took three miscarriages for it to even be diagnosed. And after that happened, the world fell apart. Her last few miscarriages were on the road when there was no chance for her to even take medications to stop it. I don’t want to go through that.”

  Jack bit his lip. “Well, I can guarantee that won’t be a problem for us.” I looked at him confused. “I’m A negative. So is Billy. They had you paired with Billy. They already had your blood type and your sister’s medical history.”

  “You’re saying we could have a baby…some day.” Jack nodded and I smiled. He pulled me in as his arms wrapped around me. “I still don’t want to have a baby here. This place is no longer safe. I honestly think the commander and the council have lost their minds.”

  Jack sighed as he pulled me onto his lap. “I have to agree with you. And I don’t think we should be forced to start a family here. I think it’s time we made a plan to leave.”

  “Where will we go?” I asked. “You don’t understand what it’s like out there. And trying to survive on the road in winter, is suicide.”

  “We’ll wait until the three months are up. Billy and I can start hoarding supplies outside the wall. We have several locations that no one else knows about. We can hide our stuff there. And when it’s time to be ready, we’ll leave. As for where we’ll go. I was thinking, I’d like to check out D.C,” he said with a wink. I felt the tears welling in my eyes again. “I know you’ve been afraid to hope. But I trust your vision. You have family out that way. I know you do. And my stepbrothers are out in that direction too. I believe in divine intervention. I’m hoping we’ll find them along the way.

  “The point is, we have time to come up with a solution. Neither Michelle, nor her father will be able to dictate our lives much longer. I promise.” I reached up behind his neck, pulling his head down so that our lips met once again.

  Jack started fumbling with my bolero and I pulled away from our kiss once more. “What about not getting pregnant. I know there’s the rhythm method, but honestly that wasn’t all that successful for April and Andy. And all the condoms went up in smoke.”

  Jack smiled as he pulled my bolero off fully and then reached into his pants pockets pulling out a strip of six condoms. “I might have snuck these out of the clinic yesterday.”

  I pulled the pack of condoms from Jack’s hands as he moved to kiss my neck. “Only six.” He looked up at me. “Well, I guess we better make these count.”

  It didn’t take long for Jack to tire of kissing me on the couch. After I managed to remove his suit jacket and dress shirt, he lifted me up and carried me towards our bed. Our bed. I liked the sound of that. Placing my feet on the floor, he reached around my back, fumbling with the buttons of my dress.

  I chuckled as I turned around, moving my hair out of the way to make it easier for him. “I thought I’d be a lot smoother at this.” I turned back around and stepped out of my dress. Jack pulled it up off the floor and gently placed it over the couch. I’m glad he was thinking. I was just concentrating on the butterflies in my stomach. I’d hate to ruin Kaia’s mother’s dress just because I was super horny.

  I reached up around Jack’s neck gently pulling him back into our kiss. This was the closest to being naked, that I’d ever been with him. I should have been nervous. The last time, we’d been close, and I’d been all butterflies and excitement. But this time, all I could feel was desire.

  As his lips moved once more to my neck, I struggled to undue his belt. “Wait,” Jack said pulling away. He wasn’t quite fast enough. I managed to pull his belt out of its loops before he backed up enough. I stalked towards him, not feeling any fear.

  “What about last time Summer? I don’t want to do anything to make you feel afraid.” Jack stopped his retreat, as I managed to undue the button of his pants. The sound of his zipper sliding down and his pants hitting the floor, was the only sound in the room. “I don’t want you to be afraid of me,” he said questioning me again.

  “Do I look afraid?” I reached behind my back, unclasping my bra, slowly sliding the straps off until my bra hit the floor next to Jack’s pants. Jack moved back towards me, his lips smashing against mine, his desire taking over all rational thought. He hesitated, with his hand hovering just above my breast. I moaned into his lips as I took his hand and pressed it firmly against my breast. “I want you, Jack. I want to be with you. We may need to take this slower, and if things make me uncomfortable, then I’ll tell you, and we’ll change things up. But honestly, I think so long as you don’t restrain my hands, we’ll be just fine.”

  I moved back towards his lips, but he pulled away again. “Are you really sure? Like one hundred percent sure?” His hand was still on my breast and when I looked down, he dared to attempt to move it until I sealed it there with my hand. His other hand, I moved to cup my ass. When I was sure he wouldn’t dare to move his hands, I reached for his boxer briefs. Biting my lip, I slowly slid them to the ground.

  I nodded as he stepped out of his boxers. “I’m really, one hundred percent sure.”

  That was the last time he asked. Releasing my breast, he swung his other hand beneath me and lifted me up onto the bed. I rushed up towards the pillows, giggling as he crawled on the bed to reach me. Swinging my legs beneath the covers, I tossed the bedding aside for him to come and join me. I slid down until my head rested on one of the pillows.

  Jack gently caressed my face. “I love seeing you like this.”

  “Naked,” I laughed.

  He pulled up the covers, taking in my breasts and travelling his gaze down to my panti
es.

  “You’re not completely naked,” he replied with a raised brow. “No,” he gently caressed my face, “I was referring to seeing you happy. But now that I think of it, I think I really would like to see you fully naked.” He looked down at his own body. His muscles flexed underneath the glow of the firelight. I dared to look back down, only slightly intimidated by what he had waiting for me. “It’s only fair. You’ve seen me, after all.”

  Jack reached beneath the covers, his hands slowly tracing their way down my abdomen. I could feel the heat pooling between my thighs in anticipation. He slipped his hands on either side of my hips and I lifted myself up, just enough for him to slip my white panties off. He tossed them over his shoulder. He looked beneath the covers, taking in the view. And the butterflies were back. I bit my lip as he looked back up into my eyes. “You are so damn beautiful Summer.”

  His lips were back on mine as his hands began exploring my body fully. With me, able to touch him, and caress him. I didn’t feel any of those feelings, that I had the last time. There was no fear of a flash back. I wanted Jack. This was love. His touch was gentle. Every part of my skin that his hands, lips, traced over, felt like a current of electricity. The current flowed straight to my core.

  He settled in between my legs, and I felt my heart pounding loudly in my chest. It had to be loud enough for him to hear. He placed one more tender kiss to my breast. “Are you ready for me?”

  “So, ready,” I moaned as his lips crashed back into mine.

  There was only a small pinch of pain as my body adjusted to him. I gasped into his mouth.

  “Did I hurt you?” he asked, worry on his face. “I don’t want to hurt you.” I could see it was taking all his concentration not give me everything he so desperately wanted.

  “Look at me Jack.” His eyes focused on mine. “I want you. I want everything you have to give me. Please.”

  That was all that he needed to hear. I’d never experienced an orgasm. I’d certainly heard what they sounded like. I always wondered why April couldn’t be quieter, and now I knew.

  There was no way I could hold back my screams of pleasure that flowed past my lips as I reached for my release. Jack followed not long after.

  Jack looked into my eyes, a sudden fear taking over as he looked down at the spot where we were still connected. “Oh, shit,” he said.

  “That was hardly the response I was expecting, after our first time.”

  “Summer, that’s not what I meant,” he replied as he pulled out of me, leaving me feeling empty and confused.

  I reached out for him as he sat on the edge of the bed. “What’s wrong?” I’d just had the best experience of my life. I should have counted my wedding as that…but honestly the sex was so much better. The feeling of Jack’s skin pressed into mine, as we both came undone. Was beyond anything I’d ever experienced before.

  Jack looked back at me, a look of dread in his eyes. “I’m sorry Summer. I completely forgot about the condom.”

  I looked over the edge of the bed. Still lying on the couch, was the strip of condoms I’d been holding before. I laid my head back on the pillow. Oh shit, indeed.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  To say Jack and I were lucky, would be an understatement. Jack had been beyond distraught over the next week. It took me three full days to even coax him into sex again. I only managed that by strutting around our cabin naked for a couple of hours before he gave in. We kept the condoms beneath his pillow after our first night. We would have liked to leave them out in the open, on the nightstand, but that was too risky.

  After seven long days, we were both breathing a sigh of relief when my period showed up. I’d never been so excited to have my period. At least until I had to go get supplies. They used to be stored in the shower lodge. But after the contraceptive burning, the commander had moved all supplies into the clinic. Now you had to sign out sanitary supplies. It was one way the commander could track who was conceiving, and who wasn’t. It was beyond mortifying. Jack had offered to get them for me. But only the woman was allowed to do that.

  I expected to see a smug looking Michelle after I had to get my supplies, but she was staying quiet. Too quiet for my comfort. Jack assured me that once we were beyond the walls of the village, we wouldn’t have to worry anymore. We just needed to hang on for another few months, until the weather warmed up a bit.

  Christmas had not been the festive experience I’d envisioned. No one felt much like celebrating. The bright Christmas lights hadn’t brought much joy. And even the little celebration that Jack, April, Billy, and me had, wasn’t what we had originally planned. Our celebration consisted of planning our break away from the camp.

  Every chance Jack and Billy got to get outside of the village, they were slowly sneaking out supplies. They would have preferred to be assigned to scavenge runs, but with the weather, that wasn’t happening. I was relieved that Jack couldn’t go out into the world. It was scary enough knowing that we’d be leaving the safety of the village soon enough. My nightmares were back. Nearly every night, I woke up in a cold sweat, with Jack trying to sooth me back to reality. For all his calming words, I knew he was just as scared. I’d given him reason to fear, with all my stories.

  The village managed to get back to normal far sooner than I would have thought. People had short memories. The anger that had been present at the contraceptive burning, had died down after only a couple of weeks. It was like it was normal to be forced to have sex with someone you may not know or care for. As of the beginning of February, there’d already been two confirmed pregnancies. One of them being Cindy. I didn’t really know her all that well. She’d worked with Jack for the past few years in construction. Once her pregnancy had been confirmed, she’d been switched to kitchen duty. That switch was the only thing she complained about in her situation. It was a far cry from her outraged reaction back in December.

  Jack and I were closer than ever, but not really close enough. The condoms had run out before I’d had my period. We’d been forced to improvise when it came to satisfying the urges that seemed to appear with just the slightest look. It wasn’t the same. The temptation to just risk it was strong, and several times we’d almost given in. Now that I knew what I was missing, I really missed it. Jack respected my choice. We were both on the same page. If and when we started a family, it should be up to us to decide and no one else.

  Time was running out. We were only a couple of days from Valentine’s. Two of my three months were already up. I’d managed to sneak some of the leftover mismatched yarn from the knitter’s cottage and was busy making Jack a sweater, should it still be cold when we were ready to leave. We’d only be able to leave with what we brought. Jack and Billy may have overseen gathering medical and food supplies, but I was making sure we’d have enough clothing until we could scavenge some more. April had taken on the task of weapons. She’d managed to pilfer a knife from the kitchen and was using it to whittle the leftover wood she’d snuck from construction sites. She’d already managed to make several walking sticks, that could double as spears.

  I was waiting on Jack to get back from kitchen clean-up duty. After that, we were getting together with Billy and April for our weekly meeting. Every week we ran down the list of supplies we already had and came up with more ideas to help us prepare. Billy and April had turned a corner in their relationship. It turns out marrying someone you despise, in order to not be forced into procreating, is good for forming friendships. Maybe friendship was too strong a word for those two. It was more like allies. They no longer yelled…as much. April even heard Billy out from time to time, before telling him his suggestion was stupid. Those two were busy planning our route to D.C. April filled in as much detail as she remembered of the places we’d travelled. Time had probably changed a lot of those areas, but hopefully we could avoid some of the problem spots, we’d run into along the way.

  Jack kept me sane through it all. But he couldn’t be with me all the time. I had just ripped out thr
ee rows, after realizing I’d dropped several stitches. This was the fifth time it had happened, and I was getting frustrated. I was just about ready to toss the knitting aside and see if I could help Jack finish up, when he came walking through the door cradling his hand.

  I let my knitting drop on the bed and shook my head. “It’s not that bad. I swear,” he said with a smile.

  I walked over to him and gently unpeeled his hand that he was holding to his chest. It was wrapped in gauze. “It was clearly bad enough to go to the clinic. What did you do?”

  He moved his good hand to brush a hair behind my ear. “Some idiot had dropped a sharp knife into the soapy water, and I didn’t see it,” he smiled.

  “Was some idiot, you?” He laughed and nodded. “Does it hurt?” I poked at it a little, which earned me wince.

  “Only when you do that.” I let his hand go. “It’s really not that bad. It only took five stitches. And best of all. I can’t do any hard labour. Which means more free time for us.” He leaned in to kiss me. It was the same kiss that always made the desire grow within me. But what we could do for each other, wasn’t what I wanted. Not tonight. It just wasn’t good enough anymore. I pulled away from the kiss, ignoring the disappointed look on his face.

  “Seeing as your home early, we should probably go meet up with Billy and April.”

  We’d be early, but I was sure they wouldn’t mind. April had given Jack and I our space when we first got married. But after a month, she started showing up more and more. I think she and Billy needed as much space as possible to make their fake marriage work.

  I held onto Jack’s good hand as we headed towards his old cabin. The village was fairly quiet at this time of night. Most people preferred to be inside their warm, cozy cabins as supposed to enduring February’s bitter cold. As we drew closer to the cabin, the silence of the village was suddenly interrupted by an all too familiar sound.

  With the forced procreation act, it was becoming a more common sound by the day. Especially with the deadline hanging over so many heads. Jack and I tried to contain our laughter as we moved along. But as we got closer to Billy and April’s place my laughter died off.