Secrets & Surrender 2

by L. G. Castillo

  “No! I’m hungry now!”

  I groaned and dashed around the kitchen, opening and closing cupboards in search of something to feed to my little brother. I couldn’t blame him for being so grouchy. I was starving too. It didn’t help that the table was piled with food for Christmas dinner and the smell of all the tantalizing dishes was too much to ask from anyone.

  “Here take this.” I stuck a banana in his hand.

  “No.”

  “Eat it.”

  “No!”

  “Me, me, me.” Selina banged her spoon on the table.

  “Manuela, are you done with the corn husks? We need to get this next batch of tamales going,” Mom said as she walked into the kitchen.

  “What?” With Miguelito and Selina crying for attention and Juan’s loud music blaring from his room, I could barely hear her.

  “Los tamales?” she said louder.

  “They’re almost ready to put in the steamer. Juan! Turn the music down. I can’t hear myself think!”

  I ran out of the kitchen and banged on Juan’s bedroom door, trying to be heard over the screeching of electric guitars. “Juan! Turn that thing down and come help take care of Miguelito and Selina. I’m helping Mom with the tamales!”

  Ever since we’d moved to San Marcos, Juan had stayed in his room, listening to his heavy metal music. He kept to himself most of time. The only time I’d see him was during dinner, and Julian was the only person who he would talk to. It annoyed me to no end how much Juan looked up to him. I tried to get Juan together with Nic. Nic had even bought floor seats to a Spurs game. Yeah, that didn’t work. When I invited Juan to join us, he mumbled something about Nic being some crazy-ass white boy and slammed the door in my face. Lucky for him, Mom was in the living room when that happened because I wanted to rip his stringy, Tommy Lee-like hair out of his head.

  “What?” Juan threw the door open. His eyes were bloodshot, and his room had a strange musty smell.

  “What are you doing in there?”

  “None of your business.” I stuck my foot out when he attempted to close the door.

  “Uh-uh.” I gave him a skeptical look. “Go take care of Miguelito and Selina, will you?”

  “That’s women’s work. Call me when the food’s ready.”

  “Oh no you don’t.” I grabbed his shoulder when he turned back to go into his room. He was so tall. He seemed to have shot up over night. He was at least a head taller than me.

  “Leave me alone, puta!” he growled.

  “What did you call me?”

  “You heard me.” He scowled. “You think you’re better than us because you date some rich white boy and go to that fancy college.”

  “I do not. And why do you hate Nic so much? He’s been nothing but nice to you.”

  “That’s because you spread your legs for him.”

  I sucked in a breath. “Asshole!”

  “Well, its true. And that’s why you are a puta.”

  “Juan! Don’t you dare talk to your sister that way.”

  I spun around at the sound of Julian’s voice. He stood behind me, his huge body taking up most of the space in the small hallway. Underneath a leather jacket, he had on a white shirt and a charcoal tie, which he’d tucked into a pair of tight black jeans. His hair was pulled back and tied with that leather strap of his. Gloved hands clutched the motorcycle helmet resting against his hip. My heart beat wildly as I took in a clean-shaven jaw that clenched as he glared at Juan.

  Why, oh why did he have to look like that?

  I shouldn’t even be noticing what he was wearing or how good he smelled. And I definitely shouldn’t have noticed how close he was to me. My body shouldn’t have been reacting to him the way it was.

  “Julian, you’re here.” My voice was annoyingly breathless. And for some strange reason, my hand decided to go rogue and found its way to my head, my fingers brushing through my messy hair.

  I caught myself and quickly wiped them on my jeans. They were sweaty. I told myself it was from the heat from being in the kitchen all morning.

  “I hope you don’t mind. Your mother sent me to get you.”

  “Uh, not at all. If you’ll excuse me.”

  He placed a hand on my shoulder when I was about to pass him. He gave me a slow smile that shouldn’t have made my stomach flutter. “I’ll have a talk with Juan. He’s having a hard time adjusting, but he shouldn’t take it out on you.”

  My eyes locked with his. I fought against the overwhelming awareness of the feel of his gloved hand. And my brain finally won.

  “Or Nic.”

  Julian’s face turned serious. “Nic’s a nice guy. But try to understand Juan’s concern. He’s just protecting you.”

  Protecting me? From the one man who’d walk through fire for me?

  I slapped Julian’s hand off my shoulder.

  “Well, I don’t understand. Nic has been nothing but kind to Juan and you. He donated money to the fundraiser.”

  Julian smirked.

  “And,” my voice grew louder, “he volunteered his free time by helping you build the stage sets. How dare you talk about Nic like he’s someone dangerous! What’s wrong with you?”

  He shook his head. “Wake up and look around, Mandi. Do you see Nic here?”

  Pain slammed against my chest.

  “I told him to be with his family. It was my idea,” I growled.

  “He didn’t have to go,” Julian said. “He probably knew you were going to tell him to go back. He left pretty fast in that fancy Porsche of his.”

  “He would’ve stayed if I had asked him to. I don’t have to defend Nic to either of you.” I pushed Julian out of my way and stormed back to the kitchen.

  * * *

  “I miss you.”

  I clutched the phone’s receiver to my ear at the sound of Nic’s voice, holding on to his every breath. I desperately wanted him to be near me. Sounds of violins playing familiar Christmas songs played in the background, so different from the beat of the Tejano music that came from the small stereo my dad setup in the living room just for this occasion.

  I glanced around the room, looking at all the familiar faces: cousins, uncles, my parents, and co-workers, all speaking to each other in Spanish; kids wrestling on the ground imitating they’re favorite wrestlers; Doña Trini feeding one of her dogs out of her hand. My eyes stopped at Julian.

  He had his guitar out and was strumming along with the song on the radio. Juan sat next to him with a smile on his face. My heart twisted with the knowledge that it was Julian who could reach my little brother. Even my parents, who liked Nic, were much more relaxed around Julian.

  “I miss you too. I wish you were here.”

  “Believe me, me too,” he whispered.

  “Me too!” A voice squealed from the phone.

  I chuckled at the sound of Kristie’s voice. I would be the last person to admit it, but the girl was rubbing off on me. “Tell Kristie ‘hi’ for me.”

  “I will. I have to go. Father wants to introduce me to one of the violists, who just happens to be studying at Princeton.”

  “Do you mean there’s an actual string quartet in your house?”

  “Can you believe it? Mother had them flown in for what she calls a ‘small family gathering.’ Ha! The only family time I’ve had with them all day was when Father called me into his study to make sure that I was dressed appropriately to met the distinguished professors he invited. It’s all black tie in here. How’s it going with your family?”

  I looked down at my t-shirt and jeans. My eyes met with Julian’s briefly. He was the only one wearing a tie. He flashed a grin when he caught me looking at him. I quickly turned away.

  “Well, Doña Trini is wearing all her costume jewelry. Then again, she sleeps with all her jewelry on. That’s about as dressed up as it is over here.”

  After Nic hung up, I sat next to my mom, watching Juan laughing with Julian over some jokes they were telling my dad. Juan’s good mood was pissing me off
.

  I stabbed a fork into the ham and shoved it into my mouth without even thinking. Julian stared at me from across the room as he talked to Dad. Dad slapped him on the back, laughing as they spoke to each other in Spanish.

  Yeah, don’t think I don’t know you’re kissing up to my dad.

  I stabbed another piece of ham, the fork tearing through the foam plate. “Son of a bitch!”

  “Manuela,” Mom warned.

  “Sorry, Mom.” I tossed the plate aside.

  “What’s wrong, Mejita.” Mom brushed my hair off my face. “Here, sit down in front of me. I’ll braid your hair like I did when you were little.”

  “Mom!” I squirmed when she pulled me down onto the floor.

  “It’ll make you feel better.” I looked into kind brown eyes. She was right. It would make me feel better. “Okay.”

  “Tell me what’s wrong,” she crooned as she brushed my hair with her fingers.

  I looked to Julian. He glanced back at me and gave me one of his sexy smiles.

  My stupid stomach did another ridiculous flip flop.

  “I can’t tell you.”

  I swear my mom could read minds because she leaned over my shoulder and whispered, “It’s Julian, isn’t it?”

  Immediately, tears welled up in my eyes. The guilt was crushing. I swallowed thickly, nodding my head.

  “I’m so confused,” I said softly. “I love Nic.”

  “Have you told Nic?”

  My head jerked up. “No way. I can’t tell him about Julian.”

  “No, not about Julian. That you love him.”

  “I can’t.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because...because...because I...” I was on the verge of tears. I had to get out of there. “Lo siento,” I apologized, pushing my way through the crowded room and out the front door.

  The cool air hit against my face as I ran across the yard. Stopping at the chain link fence, I leaned against it, gasping for air.

  My mother’s gentle hands suddenly appeared and drew me into her arms.

  “Oh, Mejita. Love is hard.”

  “Why? Why does it have to be so hard?”

  “You love Nic. I know you care for him deeply, but if you want a life with him, you have to trust him.” She wiped the tears from my face with a dishrag.

  “I want to. I do. But I want to keep the family safe.”

  “You’re afraid if he knows about us that we won’t be safe from him?”

  “He’ll keep our secret. I know he will. It’s just...I...oh, Mom!” The truth ripped through me, tearing apart the little world I had tried to build with Nic.

  She was right. Julian was right. Somewhere deep inside of me, I was afraid that Nic wouldn’t understand if I told him about our family.

  “You don’t have to do anything right now. You’re so young, and you’ve had to take on so much being the oldest. Take time to enjoy your life a little. Be with Nic. And if Julian is to be a part of your life too, don’t fight it. You can only know your heart’s true destiny when you set it free.”

  When we finally walked back in the house, the first person I saw was Julian. His face held no smirk, no teasing, just concern for me.

  It was at that moment that I knew if I told Julian my family’s secret, he’d understand and accept us with out question. There was no doubt in my mind.

  And Nic?

  My heart tore at the mere thought that I could even have any doubts about him. I closed my eyes and thought of Nic and all he had done to be with me to show me that he loved me. But all of that wasn’t enough to erase the nagging doubts that he wouldn’t understand what it was like for my family to live with this secret.

  I couldn’t fight against it anymore. Everyone was right. Nic’s parents saw it. My parents saw it. Even stupid Juan saw it. Nic and I were from two different worlds. With each day that passed, the gap grew wider. And I feared that one day, I’d wake up and the gap would be so huge that Nic would disappear.

  And I didn’t know if I could live without him.

  SIX: Mandi

  A red grasshopper was eating my Twinkie.

  I rolled the car into an empty spot near the Rio Vista Park, wondering how I was going to convince Kristie that dressing up as a red grasshopper for the talent show was not a good idea. I thought giving her my last Twinkie would get her to stop talking long enough that I ‘d be able to present my case.

  I was wrong.

  “I can’t wait to thank your mom for sewing my costume. I called everywhere looking for it, and I can’t believe no one carries it.” Kristie popped the last piece of the Twinkie into her mouth.

  Well, there went that plan.

  “I don’t think many stores have a demand for an El Chapulín Colorado costume.”

  It was all Steve’s fault. One drunken night in his dorm room plus a broken remote control, and we were all suddenly watching re-runs about a clumsy superhero dressed as a red grasshopper known as El Chapulín. Somewhere between tequila shots and Steve hitting on Nic, I somehow actually agreed with Kristie that doing an El Chapulín skit for the talent show and having her run around stage wearing red stockings and antennas was a good idea.

  Yep, it was totally Steve’s fault.

  After that night, there was no changing her mind, especially after she found an exact replica of El Chapulín’s big plastic red hammer at a flea market. She was so excited.

  I hauled a case of Big Red out of the trunk. I couldn’t believe that we were only a couple of weeks away from the performance. Between work, classes, and rehearsals, the weeks seemed to have flown by. In a blink, winter turned to spring and everyone working on the show decided to barbecue in the park and go tubing down the river. The students invited everyone who was helping with the show, which included my mom, who had helped with the costumes.

  “So, remind me again why you want to be El Chapulín?”

  I set the case of soda next to one of the ice coolers, thankful that Julian wasn’t here yet. The less I saw of him the better. Maybe I’d get lucky and he wouldn’t show up.

  Two more weeks to go and I wouldn’t have to see him ever again if I didn’t want to. Of course, there would still be the times that he came to visit Juan. That I could handle. It was easy enough to lock myself in my room and avoid him. It was also a huge plus that Nic had stopped taking lessons because he was getting a little behind in some of his classes. Though part of me wondered if that was really the reason he had quit.

  After the Christmas dinner incident, I had vowed to keep all my interactions with Julian exclusively business. And it had worked. As long as I didn’t look him in the eye, I survived the dance rehearsals. Julian seemed to have changed too. I guess he got the hint because each time he touched me, it was with a professional air.

  I nodded, half paying attention to what Kristie was saying about taking theater in high school, but had never had a chance to be on stage, and that sometimes she felt like an underdog just like El Chapulín. I kept glancing down at my watch, hoping Nic would get here before Julian.

  “Ooh, there’s your mom,” Kristie said. “I’ll be right back to help you with the drinks after I talk with her.”

  “Okay.” I tore into the case, taking out the drinks.

  “Mandi, you’re here.” Chela walked over to me.

  “Hey, Chela,” I said.

  Chela was huge telenovela fan. She was nice, except when she was around Julian. He seemed to bring out the worst in her. I didn’t think she liked him that much despite them being cousins.

  Yeah, I liked Chela.

  “Can you help me with the ice? There’s another bag over there. Can you open it and put it in the ice chest?”

  “Yeah, sure.”

  As I lined the bottom of the ice chest with soda, I watch Kristie’s hands waving as she talked with Mom. Poor Mom. Although she was getting better at understanding English, I could tell she was having troubling following Kristie. Hell, even I had a hard time understanding Kristie when she was excited.
The girl talked so fast her words came out like the hum of a jet liner.

  The ice was one big chunk so I hit it against the pavement, trying to break it apart. It was pretty heavy.

  “Here, let me.”

  I jumped back at the sound of Julian’s voice. His hair was wild and loose, brushing against his incredibly broad shoulders. Warm hands brushed against mine as he placed his hands over mine. Our eyes locked and, for a moment, everything was still. I couldn’t stop looking at him.

  Why couldn’t I stop?

  I stepped back. This was wrong. I scanned the park, looking for Nic.

  Damn it, Nic. Where are you?

  I rubbed my hands, trying to warm them, pretending I didn’t notice the way Julian’s biceps flexed when he smashed the ice against the ground. I ignored the way his black wifebeater clung to his body, showing off his muscled abs. And I definitely didn’t notice when he stood to face me, the wind blowing his hair, a few strands fluttering against his high cheekbones.

  “Cold?”

  Heat surged through me when he took my hands into his warm ones. I tried to tear my eyes away from his. He held me steadfast as he moved closer, stroking my fingers, blowing his hot breath onto my hands and warming my entire body. I pushed down the tingling sensation that threatened to emerge.

  Nic, where are you?

  “Please, don’t.” My voice was a whisper as I struggled to take my hands out of his.

  He leaned in, and his lips were dangerously close to mine. “Am I making you uncomfortable?”

  Yes.

  “No.”

  He chuckled. “Good, then you wouldn’t mind dancing with me.”

  There was a Spanish song playing on the radio sitting on one of the picnic tables. A few couples were dancing to the music.

  “Aren’t you tired of dancing?”

  He pulled me to him, his hips moving to the gentle beat of the song. “I could never tire of dancing with you.”

  “Well, maybe I’m tried of dancing.”

  “Maybe you’re afraid.”

  I snorted. “I’m not afraid of you.”

  “I think you are.”

  “Puhleeze.”

  “Then dance with me.”