Tied Up In Knots

by Antonia Adams

  ‘What happened?’ he asked.

  I shook my head and pressed my finger against his cut lip. It was too early for some questions.

  Later, days later, when we’d made love many times without ever repeating the ferocity of that one occasion, when we’d discovered there was no longer any accessible internet and our mobile phones were useless, when we’d driven as far as our petrol would take us, he asked again.

  ‘What happened?’

  And I shook my head again.

  At first we talked about nuclear survival and poisoned earth but soon we were drinking from brown puddles and chewing on dead grass. Over time we became experts at scavenging, digging through ruins with bleeding hands until we found the treasures we sought: dried food; tinned food; matches. We chose a van to start with and hoarded our finds greedily in the back, but at some point we got tired of siphoning so much petrol and moved to a smaller vehicle, digging holes for storage points (we had found tools by then so our chafed hands got a rest) and making complex maps. We never saw anyone, living or dead. Then the world changed once more.

  He found a radio, together we messed around with it until we got it to work. Neither of us expected anything from it, it was a pointless activity to keep us amused and give us something to think about, like the countless hours we’d spent playing computer games in the time before. When it gave a loud crackle we laughed, when I turned the dial and we heard what could be a human voice, we stared at each other unable to breathe. Our work on the radio took on a new intensity, we swore at ourselves and each other until we found the human voice again and this time we could hear it; a woman in a light Scottish accent repeating again and again the name of a town, pleading with whoever heard this message to come there.

  ‘We have to go there,’ he said.

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Because there is nothing else to do.’

  We packed as much as we could in the car and set off. As we drove away from the area I thought of as ours, the place that had begun to feel safe, I mentally recited all the prayers I could remember from my Catholic school days.

  The car didn’t make it. We were forced to abandon it and most of our supplies, taking all that we could carry in over-laden rucksacks and bags.

  Hiking more miles than it felt our legs could take before we found another usable car that we managed to start. We held each other but we didn’t make love in those times, our bodies warning us that we needed to preserve all our energy. Secretly, I wouldn’t have cared, but I couldn’t say it to him, “We’re going to die, there’s no need to prolong it, let’s die exhausted from love rather than wait for the madness of hunger or whatever worse things could be waiting for us.”

  The car didn’t make it, but we did.

  A community of eight couples waited for us; they greeted us as if we were their saviours and bombarded us with their names. In their eight voices, with much overlapping, they talked about the miracle of survival, some sort of endurance camping trip in the highest of the Highlands, their plans to make boats and contact other people who made it through, which hadn’t come to much so far, but they were so pleased, so very pleased, that we’d responded to their radio message. We were the only ones who had.

  ‘So what’s your story?’ one of the male voices asked.

  We looked at each other, opened our mouths, but we could not speak.

  ‘There’s plenty of time for questions,’ one of the female voices said.

  ‘What are your names?’ someone else asked.

  ‘I’m Daniel and this is Mara,’ my lover said.

  He took the rucksack off his back and offered them the contents. I was amazed at the quickness of his generosity, to so soon trust these strangers with our world, but I copied him with an attempt at a smile. They received them like manna from heaven but we soon saw our provisions were nothing to them. We were led through their home which was the old ruins of an abbey, and it was a home, there were paintings drawn on the wall, space divided into rooms with carefully placed stones and a kitchen brimming over with stores. Their foraging trips and whole organisation was on a different scale to the scavenging that had kept us alive.

  In the evening there was a roaring fire, someone had found and caught a brace of rabbits which were now roasting in its midst. They told us this was what most evenings were like. Everyone, apart from us, told stories and then as the fire burnt out, settled down to sleep not far from the glowing embers. A couple was left on guard duty, Daniel volunteered us to keep watch. I was relieved when his offer was gratefully declined.

  A woman came over and gave us a sleeping bag; she squeezed my hand and smiled. ‘Don’t be scared,’ she said. ‘We’re all safer together.’

  Warm wrinkles creased up around her eyes as she spoke. Her and her partner’s names, Joy and Rob, were the only ones I remembered. They looked as healthy and as enthusiastic as everyone else, but they stood out for being older, the confidence of their stance as much as the flicker of grey in their hair.

  ‘Thank you,’ I said.

  ‘Now get some sleep.’ She walked back to Rob and I watched as she bent down to embrace him, blushing when she turned back to me and clearly winked.

  Neither Daniel nor I got any sleep on the first night of our arrival. We clung to each other and listened. We’d grown accustomed to silence without realising it and now the air was filled with the sound of our new friends’ love making. I tried not to look but sometimes a scream or a moan would make me glance over before my brain could stop me. The couples were not discretely hiding under their blankets or in the darkness of the shadows, their bodies were contorted into all kinds of sexual positions, proud in the remaining light of the fire. Women were going down on men, men were going down on women, their bodies were twined together standing up and lying down, women were bent over in front of their lovers, women were sitting astride their men, grinding for their own pleasure. Joy was in the last category. The practical clothes she’d been wearing earlier were either fully removed, or pulled aside, revealing full heavy breasts that swayed with her movements on top of Rob. She gazed back unashamed when she saw me looking, and it might have been my imagination, but it seemed she ground down harder on her man, rubbing and squeezing her chest for my benefit.

  I turned away and pressed my cheek against Daniel’s.

  ‘Of all the people that might have survived, we’ve discovered a sex cult,’ I whispered only half joking.

  ‘I know,’ he replied, fully serious. ‘We’ve been very lucky since the end.’

  We were both aware of the hardness of his erection underneath his trousers, reaching out for me, desperate for release, but neither of us said or did anything else that first night.

  The weeks progressed and we became integrated into the community. Everyone was supposed to be equal but it was Joy and Rob who were always asked for advice and looked to for the final decision whenever there was a dispute. Daniel and I did as we were told and answered all their questions about things we’d seen. We learnt to sleep through the noise of the night, although my dreams were disturbed with sexual yearnings for things I didn’t know previously existed in any part of my mind. My subconscious haunted me with images of masked people, whips and chains, violence and shouting; in the mornings I awoke covered with sweat barely able to constrain my desire.

  We never partook of their nightly ritual and merged our lust with theirs, our opportunities came when we were sent out alone. On hunting-gathering trips we marvelled at the sight of trees and living foliage, watched the rabbits bounding about far longer than anyone else before we killed them, then we quietly undressed and rolled together on the ground. Both of us wanting to feel every drop of dew on the grass, smell every living scent, as much as know each other’s bodies.

  One day Joy and Rob took us aside, they did all the speaking, talking about the possibility of journeying south and facing the empty landscape we’d described against the risk of staying here and waiting to see if there were still seasons and attempting to survive
the bitterness of a northern winter. Then Joy smiled, she leant into me and kissed me on the lips. I felt the full sensual softness of her touch for a moment before she just as quickly pulled away.

  ‘You looked so worried, darling, I thought you’d like a kiss.’ She gave Daniel and Rob the full benefit of her smile before she turned her attention back to me. ‘Rob and I have been talking and we are concerned that you feel prohibited in your natural behaviour. We want you to feel as relaxed in our little community as everyone else does. There’s really no reason that you shouldn’t be.’

  ‘Joy’s talking about sex,’ Rob said with a wide smile to match his partner’s.

  I looked him full in the face and was struck by his movie star good looks that I’d been struck with many times before. I knew I was blushing and was grateful when Daniel stammered out a reply to them.

  ‘We both feel very relaxed and part of the community. We’re both very happy. We’re comfortable’

  ‘There’s no need for you to sneak off to have a bit of fun,’ Joy interrupted him.

  ‘Unless that is what you truly want and then obviously no one cares in the least, but we’re worried that it’s because you feel too shy to join in,’ Rob said.

  ‘You’re such a quiet little pair,’ Joy said. ‘But you can see that everything of our old lives have been swept away, including all the societal and sexual prohibitions that once guided us. With everything that has happened I think we can permit ourselves and each other the freedom to take pleasure and enjoyment where we can.’

  ‘But,’ I said. All three pairs of eyes gazed at me yet there was no more I could say, just “but”.

  ‘If you are willing Rob and I can help guide you on your journey.’

  ‘What journey?’ I asked.

  Your journey of sexual discovery,’ Rob said.

  ‘Well, you two think about it, and if you’re interested we’re here for you tonight, or any other night.’ Joy squeezed my hand, flashed her smile at us and then she and Rob walked off holding hands to check on how the stores rationing was progressing.

  Daniel and I glanced at each other.

  He spoke first. ‘They’re right, the world has changed and maybe we should change with it.’

  ‘We have a fire to make.’ I walked off and after the smallest pause he followed me.

  That night as the fire began to die down I looked over to where Joy and Rob were sitting. Rob winked at me, I responded by blushing and staring down at my feet.

  ‘We should go and talk to them,’ Daniel said. ‘I think it’ll be good for us.’

  ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘Neither do I. I just think that maybe, maybe we should see where it leads us.’

  ‘And if it’s a bad place?’

  ‘We get in the car, drive somewhere new and be together just the two of us again.’

  I nodded, unable to process all the emotions competing inside me.

  Joy and Rob showed no surprise as we walked over to them, I felt conspicuous, sure that the others were all looking and knowing and laughing. But it wasn’t like that, in the evening whatever struggles had marred the day were forgotten and all of them were full of love for themselves and everyone else. If any of them noticed us they would have smiled and been happy we were committing even further to this life. I told myself this as we stood awkwardly in front of Joy and Rob’s smiling faces.

  Rob stood up, took Daniel’s hand in his and led him back to the place that Daniel and I slept together every night. I looked back at Joy, unsure what to expect, unsure how I’d imagined Joy and David freeing us from our inhibitions. There was no time to form my thoughts. Joy’s hands were on my jeans, expertly undoing them and pulling them down my legs. I did not move.

  ‘Don’t be nervous. A little bit of fear now and then can add to the excitement, but never be nervous.’ She slid my knickers down to rest around my ankles with my jeans.

  The night breeze swirled around me, exploring the new nakedness of my lower body. I shivered. Joy wrapped her body around me as if she was trying to cuddle me into warmth.

  ‘Have you been with many different people?’ she asked.

  ‘Only Daniel.’

  She smiled up at me. ‘Then believe me there’s a very special pleasure in tasting something that is not yours.’

  Her head pressed between my thighs, her tongue, warm and wet, darting out and immediately finding my secret spot. She licked and lapped at me.

  I moaned softly at first and then louder as my body turned into a mass of nerve endings all seeking pleasure. I looked down at Joy, at the strange beauty of having this woman touch me. I forced myself not to look over at Daniel and Rob but I couldn’t stop myself picturing the charismatic older man on his knees with my lover’s cock in my mouth and it hurt my heart at the same time as the ecstasy flowing from Joy’s tongue exploded through my body.

  She lay me down on her rug and held me against her breasts, my cares disappearing amidst their soft warmth. I listened to the beat of her heart.

  ‘I’ve very sensitive nipples. Kiss them. Dream that they are covered with some wonderful food, something you’ll probably never taste again in real life.’

  I thought of cream, peaches, strawberries, their fresh sweetness, and then I obeyed her and took her nipple into my mouth. I kept my eyes closed and sucked. The food disappeared from my mind, all I needed to think about was what I was actually doing, laying in the arms of another woman, immersed in her ample bosom as she stroked my hair. I kissed one nipple then the other, caressing the one that didn’t have my oral attention. Joy arched her back into me and moaned loudly. I cradled the weight of her breasts with my right arm, marvelling at their firm softness in the same way that Daniel and I looked at the grass and the rabbits, amazed that something beautiful still existed in this world.

  ‘Would you let Daniel see your body? I don’t know if that is the right thing to ask. Forgive me if it isn’t.’

  She squeezed me tightly against her flesh. ‘It is the right thing to ask, but for tonight, be selfish, just think of your own desires, things you’ve always wanted but have been too shy to talk to Daniel about.’

  I took a deep breath. ‘I think I’d like you to spank me.’

  It seemed a strange thing to request, even as I said it, while I was bathing in the warmth and comfort of her body. But then everything in this new world was strange.

  I kneeled down in front of Joy, the palm of her hand thwacked against my bare skin. It sounded loud to me, cutting through all the other sounds, but in reality the other couples were in their own worlds more or less oblivious to what Joy and I were doing. Apart from one couple. Daniel would be imagining me just as I couldn’t help picturing him, even as Joy told me not to think of him, to be selfish and concentrate on my own pleasure. As her hand continued to thwack against my skin my eyes raised and I looked through the smoke from the fire to where Daniel was on his knees, his head raised, staring back at me. Rob was behind him, his rough hands on my lover’s hips, thrusting in and out of him. I felt every thrust as if it was my tightness being pushed into. Later I would kiss and caress all the places Rob touched him, later he would kiss and caress all the places where Joy touched me, but right now we gazed into each other’s eyes, our heart beating fast from the pain and excitement of sharing our love.

  Joy spanked me until my skin was raw, then she kissed my buttocks and pushed a finger in between them. I gasped, she pushed deeper into me.

  ‘Do you like that?’ she asked.

  ‘Yes, I do, don’t stop.’

  ‘I think you can take more.’

  Another finger pushed into me, or maybe it was two fingers, I felt stretched as if it was a man behind me pushing his sex into me. I pushed back against her, she leant over me, the weight of her breasts on my back as her fingers fucked my ass. The pleasure made my body shake, the night air filled with my screams. Joy grabbed a handful of my hair and pulled my head back to kiss her.

  ‘I’m not finished with you yet,’ she said
and went back to finger fucking me even harder than before.

  I orgasmed twice more under her touch before she let me rest. I moved to walk back to where Daniel and I slept but Joy held me tightly in her arms.

  ‘You’re mine tonight.’

  I nodded and lay my head on her breast, falling instantly into a deep dreamless sleep.

  Something changed between Daniel and I after that night. I don’t know if it was a good something or a bad something, things were just different. When Rob or Joy wanted sex with one of us we obediently trotted over. The weeks passed and we began swapping with the other couples until there was no one in the community that one of us hadn’t had sex with. The weather started to get colder but the talk of moving south disappeared.

  Then on one of the days when the wind was blowing extra bitterly Daniel kissed me and told me he wanted to move on.

  ‘Why?’

  ‘I want it to be the two of us again. I want to be lonely together.’

  I nodded, understanding without understanding.

  They tried to talk us out of it, they cried as they watched us packing, but gave us more and more supplies until we couldn’t fit them into the car. I don’t know if they carried on crying when we drove off, I didn’t look back and neither did Daniel.

  We live hand to mouth, mouth to hand. Daniel says he’s happier, he only wants me. Sometimes I say it was easier in the group, but mostly I kneel in front of him sucking his cock.

  Yesterday he asked me if I wanted him to spank me.

  ‘It wouldn’t be the same,’ I said.

  He nodded and we made love facing each other our limbs entwined.

  ‘We’re doing well, aren’t we?’ he said.

  ‘Yes, we are,’ I said squeezing my sex around his. ‘We’re still alive.’

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