Eighteen Kisses

by Laura Jane Cassidy

  ‘Do you remember noticing anything… now, looking back on it?’

  ‘No, I can’t really remember much at all; it’s all kind of a blur. You know when you’re not consciously observing stuff things just slip past you? I couldn’t even tell you what most of the people were wearing. I’m not even sure what I was wearing. It’s weird.’

  ‘Did you know Kayla was seeing Luke?’

  ‘No, she kept that one quiet! She probably wouldn’t have told me anyway. We weren’t that close, but I’m surprised Amy didn’t know. Although I think Kayla kept it quiet because she didn’t want Kev to find out. I think she still really cared for him, even though she didn’t want to be with him any more. Although that’s just my opinion. I’m not really sure.’

  ‘Thanks,’ I said.

  ‘Sorry I couldn’t really be more help.’

  ‘No, it’s fine. Anything at all that you can tell me is great.’

  ‘So tell me, Jacki,’ she said. ‘Do you think Kayla’s dead?’

  ‘You must know already,’ I said. ‘If you’re a fortune-teller? You must know if she’s coming back or not.’

  ‘I tell people I don’t know,’ she said. ‘But you’re right, yeah, I have a feeling. I just hope I’m wrong.’

  She must have suspected that Kayla was dead too, I thought.

  ‘Am I wrong?’ she asked, her voice quivering.

  ‘I probably shouldn’t discuss details of the case,’ I said, ‘without checking with Detective Sergeant Lawlor if it’s OK.’

  ‘Oh, of course,’ she said, but she could probably guess what I meant by that.

  ‘I suppose I better get going,’ I said.

  ‘I have some time before my next appointment,’ said Lauren. ‘Want me to read your fortune?’

  I hesitated again, but then thought, What the hell, why not? My life couldn’t possibly get any weirder.

  ‘Maybe…’ I said. ‘How does it work?’

  ‘Well, I read palms,’ said Lauren. ‘I learned it from my grandmother. I can tell what’s going to happen to people by examining the lines on their hand.’

  ‘OK,’ I said. I held out my left hand.

  ‘You’re going to go through change soon,’ said Lauren. ‘It’s going to be difficult at first, but it will work out for the best in the end. And you’re going to travel, somewhere far away. And you’re going to…’

  Her predictions were all pretty vague. As I walked back to Gran’s, I thought about what she’d told me, but couldn’t see any major revelations.

  When I got home, I read some more of the book Ger had given me. I flicked to the middle pages.

  Methods of Psychic Protection

  For additional protection, pick an object that you feel represents security and well-being for you, and wear it every day. When you see the object, think of the peace it gives you. Remember to keep it with you at all times, as a symbol of safety.

  I found the guitar bracelet Nick had given me and put it on. Like Ger had said, it was better to be prepared.

  Chapter 16

  The Electric Unsigned gig got off to a fairly shaky start. Rage looked great – Ellie had decorated the place really well. The entire ceiling was covered with fairy lights, which made the bar look even more magical than before. There was a projector in the corner, beaming up images of Electric magazine covers on to the back wall. There was a slight problem though, as one of the acts had pulled out at the last second.

  ‘What the hell are we going to do?’ said Ellie. ‘They were meant to be on in an hour; how are we going to get somebody to replace them in an hour?’

  ‘Can you not call somebody?’ said Michael. ‘Like one of your friends’ bands? Ask them to step in?’

  ‘This is meant to be the best of Dublin’s unsigned,’ said Tim. Ellie looked even more anxious now that her editor had joined the circle. ‘There are invited industry professionals here – we have a reputation to uphold.’

  ‘Yes, I understand that,’ said Ellie. ‘But we need to fill the slot.’

  ‘Can you find a solo artist?’ said Tim. ‘It would be the least hassle.’

  ‘Jacki’s a solo artist,’ said Dillon, smiling brightly and nudging me with his elbow.

  ‘Do you write your own stuff?’ asked Ellie.

  ‘Yeah,’ I said.

  ‘Cos each act tonight is doing one cover, but they also have to sing their own stuff.’

  ‘Hold on,’ said Tim. ‘I think I’ve seen you play before. Were you upstairs in Whelan’s last week?’

  ‘Yeah,’ I said. ‘I was.’

  ‘You’ve found your replacement, Ellie,’ said Tim. ‘You’re on at nine.’

  I didn’t have time to feel nervous or excited, except about using a strange guitar. I had this thing about always using my own; I felt like I was jinxing my performance by using somebody else’s. But there was nothing I could do about it now, so I’d just have to get over it. I don’t think I’ve ever had somebody hug me as hard as Ellie did.

  I wasn’t on for another hour though, and in the meantime I had to help out, taking money from people at the door, showing the bands to the dressing room, making sure there were bottles of water on stage – that sort of thing. Hazel waved at me from behind the bar. She was wearing a ripped black tank top instead of the orange Electric Unsigned T-shirts that the rest of the people working in Rage that night had to wear. I guess when you’re assistant manager you don’t have to look ridiculous.

  It wouldn’t have been that bad if I hadn’t also been concentrating on the people in the corner. Libby’s boyfriend Rob was here, along with Andrew and a very drunk Calum. Every time I walked past them they tried to engage me in conversation.

  ‘So, psychic girl!’ said Calum. ‘Can you tell me something about my future?’

  ‘What do you want to know?’ I said with a sigh.

  ‘Um… when am I gonna get laid next?’ he said with a laugh, then turned round to Rob and gave him a high-five.

  ‘I can’t see that far into the future,’ I muttered, picking up the empty glasses behind them.

  ‘OOOH!’ said Rob and Andrew as I walked off.

  I decided to distract myself from Calum’s ridiculous comments by seeing if I could pick up any vibes from people in the room who had known Kayla. Things were starting to slow down a bit as far as any new information on Kayla was concerned and I hadn’t really got any clues in a while. I decided it was probably best that I carry her necklace with me to really tune in to what was going on around me – there was no point having it if I just left it in my bag all the time. I entered the dressing room and looked in my bag for it, but to my horror, it wasn’t there.

  ‘Shit,’ I said. ‘Shit, shit, shit.’ I searched all round the dressing room, hoping it had just fallen out of my bag and that nobody had taken it. That would be terrible. How would I explain to Libby that I’d lost her sister’s necklace? I got down on my hands and knees and searched the floor, but there was no sign of it.

  ‘Looking for this?’ said Hazel, walking in and holding up the necklace and staring at me disapprovingly.

  ‘Oh, thank god, where was it?’

  ‘On the floor, in the bathrooms,’ she said.

  ‘Thanks so much, Hazel,’ I said, reaching out and taking it from her. ‘I’ll take better care of it from now on, I promise.’

  ‘OK,’ she said, her anger seeming to fade. ‘Andrew left his phone in the toilets too,’ she said. ‘What is it with you people? Will you give it to him? I have to go find Ellie.’

  ‘Yeah, sure,’ I said.

  I looked at the phone in my hand and a thought suddenly occurred to me. Could I quickly check it? It did seem kind of bad to go through somebody’s phone, but I really wanted to know if he was hiding something, and I couldn’t pass this chance up.

  I waited until Hazel left and quickly scrolled through his messages, mostly boring ones about rugby practice and ones with tons of kisses from some girl called Kate. If he was going to text something really private, he’d probably del
ete it afterwards anyway, so maybe this was a waste of time. I checked his email: nothing there either. He should really password-protect his phone, I thought. I was able to access everything. I decided to have a quick look through his photos: more rugby pictures, pictures of girls. Then, to my complete shock, I saw a picture of Kayla, wearing a jersey and boxer shorts and smiling seductively into the camera. I sent the picture to myself, deleted the sent message and then walked back out into the club and returned the phone to Andrew.

  I swallowed down a strange sick feeling that had come over me. It must have been guilt from checking Andrew’s phone – it’s not something I ever would have done before. I was so different from the person I used to know.

  Chapter 17

  I walked up on to the stage. I was feeling a bit nervous, which was unusual for me. Maybe it was because I knew how important this gig was to everybody at Electric, and also because I had to follow a really great folk singer – a guy called Ciaran, who was unbelievably talented. Nevertheless, I approached the mic with pretend confidence. I never really hear anything when I’m performing – I don’t notice the crowd talking or anything like that, I just focus on the song. I sang an original, the one I’d sung to Colin in my bedroom, and it got a pretty good response. Ellie gave me the thumbs up from the side of the stage and I was glad I’d made her happy. But I had no idea what cover I was going to play. The seconds ticked by and I tried to think of something. I’d had a few ideas before I got up on stage, but now my mind was just completely blank. What the hell was I going to sing? Faces from the crowd looked at me expectantly and I started to panic. Then I saw Nick walking into the room, and I got even more distracted. I was glad he’d come – I wasn’t sure if he was going to turn up after the fight we’d had.

  ‘Jacki,’ whispered Ellie, and then she shot me a look as if to say, What the hell are you doing? A camera flash blinded me for a second, but instead of making things worse, it helped me snap out of it. I knew what I was going to sing: ‘Pictures of You’ – the Cure song I’d been listening to every night in my dreams. I’d been thinking about doing my own version, and although I hadn’t even practised it properly, I decided it was perfect. I took a deep breath and sang, completely escaping into the world of the song, only to be brought back to the moment by the huge applause I got when I sang the last line.

  The buzz I felt from performing was, as always, amazing. It was a feeling that I didn’t think could be beaten. I looked at my watch. How was it half ten already? Nick had to go soon and I’d hardly spoken to him all night. I knew this would make him grumpy, but hopefully he’d understand. It’s not like he hadn’t done this kind of thing before, and at least I had a proper excuse. He surely couldn’t hold this against me. I hurried out from behind the bar, determined to find him, promising myself I wouldn’t get pulled away from his side again tonight, no matter what happened.

  I elbowed and nudged my way through the crowd, right up to the stage where the last band was playing a catchy pop tune. Saxophone and synths and electric guitars blasted from the speakers, and a group of girls at the front danced and sang along with the lead singer’s cheery vocals. I stood on the steps that led to the backstage door and scanned the mob of faces. I couldn’t see Nick anywhere. I searched the other room too, dodging barmen carrying stacks of glasses and pushing past couples making out. There was no sign of him there either. I really hoped he hadn’t left for the bus already. Would he have gone without saying goodbye? Maybe Nick had been looking for me and hadn’t been able to find me. That thought filled me with panic. I couldn’t let another week go by with that horrible tension between us. He hadn’t even texted me to tell me how his gig went. I needed to talk to him; I needed to apologize. I needed everything to go back to normal.

  I spotted Sophie at the merchandise stand and made my way over to her. Dillon was standing behind it, arranging T-shirts and CDs into neat piles. He was really taking the ‘Look busy’ thing seriously. Ellie was standing by the door, holding a clipboard. I was careful to avoid her in case she asked me to do something. I’d explain the situation to Dillon later – maybe he’d cover for me.

  ‘Soph,’ I said, tapping her on the shoulder. ‘Have you seen Nick?’

  ‘Think he went out to the smoking area with the others,’ she said as she rooted around in her purse. ‘I know I have a fiver in here somewhere,’ she mumbled to Dillon as she sifted through receipts.

  ‘Jacki, look at this,’ said Dillon, holding up a CD. ‘That first band recorded a cover of “Waiting for the Man” – I wonder if it’s any good.’

  ‘Oh, cool,’ I said, distracted.

  ‘Did you like them? I thought they were class.’

  Dillon was looking at me, expecting an answer, but I was so preoccupied that I’d already forgotten the question.

  ‘Sorry, guys,’ I said. ‘I’ll talk to you later. I really need to find Nick.’

  Dillon raised an eyebrow then turned round and put the CD back down on the table. I couldn’t tell what he was thinking. I didn’t even know why I was trying to work that out. Sophie looked at me disapprovingly, but I ignored it. She didn’t understand how I felt about Nick and how urgent it was that I found him. I had to talk to Nick; I had to fix things between us. I’d make it up to her later.

  As I hurried up the stairs, Andrew was strutting down. He was checking out the girl in front of him so intently that he didn’t even see me. I rolled my eyes. For a split second I considered asking him more about the picture, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. This was too important. I’d call him tomorrow. I had to concentrate on my own problems first.

  I finally made it to the smoking area and saw Nick near the back, talking to Chris and Fitz, our friends from Avarna. He was facing away from me, his head bowed as he laughed loudly. Chris nodded at me and Nick turned round. He suddenly looked serious. He walked towards me, and without actually touching me, led me towards the bench in the corner. I could tell he was annoyed, but I was sure that everything was going to be OK. I was going to apologize. He sat down and I sat right beside him. I tried to hold his hand, but he brushed me away.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ I said. ‘I know I didn’t spend much time with you tonight. I was just so busy. We had all these tasks to do for the magazine and then I had to perform as well.’ He looked unimpressed. He obviously didn’t want to hear about that. ‘I know things haven’t been great between us,’ I carried on, ‘but that’s because we haven’t been spending much time together. I’ll be home in Avarna soon and things will go back to the way they used to be.’

  ‘Will they though?’ said Nick, without looking at me. He was pulling at a loose thread on his denims, like he always did when he was trying to think of what to say.

  ‘Of course,’ I said. And I really meant it. I knew we’d gone through a rough patch, but I was sure that was over now.

  ‘I don’t know, Jacki,’ he said with a sigh. ‘I try so hard to make you happy, but it’s never good enough.’

  ‘What do you mean?’ I asked, confused. I wondered why he was talking like this. He didn’t sound himself; his voice seemed different, rehearsed. It was like I was listening to somebody else.

  ‘Being with you…’ he said. ‘It’s just so exhausting. I feel like you’re watching everything I do… waiting for me to mess up.’

  There was no warmth in his words. It was like he was talking to a stranger. The word ‘exhausting’ echoed in my head. I was trying to make things right, why was he being like this?

  ‘I just find you so draining.’

  ‘Oh, I’m sorry,’ I said, feeling anger rising inside me. ‘It must take a lot out of you to have to send one text message every four days.’

  He didn’t seem to have a comeback for this, so I kept talking.

  ‘No, I’m serious,’ I said. ‘Poor you! You should probably go on a holiday or something. Try to recover from how exhausting I am.’

  ‘Will you just drop the texting thing?’ he said. ‘I told you I had a lot going on this week
.’

  ‘Yeah, I know. But what’s the point of all this if you don’t even want to talk to me? You must not like me very much any more!’ I was practically shouting at him, and still he refused to look me directly in the eye, which was making me even angrier.

  ‘I do like you though,’ he said, finally looking at me. ‘That’s what’s so frustrating about all of this! I do like you, but nothing is ever good enough!’

  ‘Oh, come on, Nick, don’t try to turn this round on me. If you had made even the slightest bit of effort, then we wouldn’t be having this fight! What am I supposed to do? Ignore all the crappy stuff you do? Sit back and say nothing while you act like a total jerk? I’m not going to let you walk all over me. I tried keeping everything inside, I really tried! It didn’t make things any better!’

  This was so infuriating. I couldn’t believe he was blaming me for this. I wasn’t the one who’d changed. I wasn’t the one who’d stopped caring.

  ‘I don’t see what the big deal is,’ he said. ‘So I didn’t text you – wow, what a crime.’ And he had that indignant look on his face. I wasn’t going to censor my words any more. He was being so cruel, I wasn’t going to hold back either.

  ‘I think you were punishing me,’ I said. ‘For not going to your gig.’

  ‘Well then, you’re crazy. I didn’t text you because I just didn’t feel like it. I knew I’d be seeing you today. I was going to tell you then. Can you just drop it?’

  ‘And the fact that you never want to call me means that we have a problem,’ I said, moving down the bench, away from him. I couldn’t believe he was acting like this.

  ‘Why didn’t you call me, huh?’ he said. ‘Why didn’t you ask me how my gig went?’

  ‘Why should I?’ I was actually shouting now. ‘I’m always the one making the effort!’