The (New and Improved) Loving Dominant

by John Warren

  Entire contents © 2008 by John Warren, Ph.D.

  All rights reserved. Except for brief passages quoted in newspaper, magazine, radio, television or Internet reviews, no part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying or recording or by information storage or retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Publisher.

  Cover photo by Barbara Nitke, www.barbaranitke.com.

  Published in the United States by Greenery Press. Distributed by SCB Distributors, Gardena, CA.

  Contents

  Acknowledgments

  Foreword to the Third Edition

  Foreword to the First Edition

  1 All The Colors of Kinkiness

  2 Are You a Loving Dominant?

  3 Dig All Those Crazy People

  Theories of sadism and masochism

  Why would someone want to be submissive?

  Why would someone want to be dominant?

  4 Consent and Consensuality

  You don’t have to say exactly what you mean

  Protect us from our “protectors”

  Levels of submission

  The experience of submission

  5 A Feast of Joy... A Dish of Pain

  6 Stalking the Wild Submissive

  Making contact

  Contact at a distance

  Writing an advertisement

  Honesty is the best policy

  Going from online to face-to-face

  Public clubs, organizations and events

  Searching outside the scene

  7 Winning Over the Vanilla Lover or Spouse

  Bringing out the dominance in your spouse

  8 The First Scene

  9 Making a Scene Sing

  Preparation

  Limits and surprises

  Music and scent

  Beginning the scene

  The scene itself

  Ending the scene

  Talking it over afterwards

  A look at a few specialized types of scenes

  Interrogation scenes

  Fantasy rape

  The mindfuck

  10 Opening the Toybox

  Blindfolds and hoods

  Clips and clamps

  Collars

  Gags

  Dildos

  Male chastity belts

  Sportsheets™

  Spreader bars

  Vibrators

  Finding toys in the vanilla world

  11 Fun and Games

  Spanking

  Bondage

  Knots: knot so mysterious

  Whipping

  Genital shaving

  Pony play

  Suspension

  Waxing

  Fire on skin (fireplay)

  Humiliation

  Golden showers, analingus and coprophagy

  Enemas

  Fisting

  Cutting, pricking and play piercing

  Permanent piercings

  Electricity

  Catheterization

  Branding

  12 Some Special Relationship Issues

  Contracts of submission

  Polyamorous play

  Protocol

  13 Saving the Scene on Film

  14 Making Leather Toys

  Some leatherwork projects

  15 Your Secret Dungeon

  16 Party Manners

  Scene behavior

  17 First Aid for The Scene

  Cuts and bruises

  Unconsciousness

  Stroke

  Head injuries

  “Misplaced” toys

  Heat-related injuries

  Burns

  Bone and muscle injuries

  Dungeon first-aid kit

  Appendix A: Reading Resources

  Appendix B: Scrubbing Up Afterwards

  Appendix C: Contracts

  Appendix D: What Color Is Your Handkerchief?

  Appendix E: Spencer’s Questionnaire

  Appendix F: A Highly Idiosyncratic Glossary

  Index

  Acknowledgments

  I will never forget the advice and help I received from Len Dworkin. He will always live in my memory, as will the memory of his lovely submissive, Michelle.

  While all the mistakes in this book are my fault, there would be many more if not for the efforts of M.M. of San Francisco, Ally of Florida, and Kevin Damore of Oakland, whose editing skills and tact made the book readable and preserved the author’s ego.

  Many thanks go to Mistress Margo, Lady J, Mistress Kay, Goddess Sia, Jack McGeorge, Frank Rinella, and Travis for providing an invaluable insight into functioning of female dominant-male submissive relationships. Tatu, a natural fiber rope enthusiast, has done a wonderful section on that specialized area of bondage that explains it better than I could have done

  Others, without whom this book might never have been written, the posters on the Prodigy electronic bulletin board, the newsgroups soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm and alt.torture, the CollarMe website, the members of The Boston Dungeon Society, TES, Nashville PEP, SPICE and Threshold.

  Warning and Disclaimer: Readers should understand that all BDSM carries an inherent risk of physical injury, emotional injury, injury to relationships, and other types of harm. While we believe that the guidelines set forth in this book will help you reduce that risk to a reasonable level, the writer and publisher encourage you to understand that you are choosing to take some risk when you decide to engage in these activities, and to accept personal responsibility for that risk.

  While we have diligently researched the information we put in this book, it may nonetheless be incomplete, inaccurate, or out of date. Therefore, in acting on the information in this book, you agree to accept its contents “as is” and “with all faults.” Please notify us of any errors so that we may address them in future printings.

  The information in this book should not be used as medical or therapeutic advice. Neither the author, the publisher nor anyone else associated with the creation or sale of this book is liable for any damage caused by your participating in the activities described herein.

  Foreword to the Third Edition

  Those of you who have read the edition of The Loving Dominant that was published by Masquerade Books or its second edition from Greenery Press won’t find many surprises in these pages, although I do appreciate the additional royalties.

  There are several new sections and I’ve greatly expanded a few existing ones. For example, the section on electricity is much much larger than it was in either of the previous versions.

  The biggest change is on how to find partners. The original Loving Dominant was written at a time when the Internet was largely a thing of corporations, governments and universities. BDSM, when it was mentioned, was a thing of whispers and giggles. Today, we can be much more open and the Internet has changed the world almost beyond imagination.

  References to S&M or Domination and Submission have been largely replaced by BDSM, an umbrella term combining the words Bondage, Discipline, Domination, Submission, Sadism and Masochism. While I have some discomfort with “sadism,” I feel it is a more inclusive umbrella and a more accurate representation than simply domination and submission. The shift in terminology has created a bit of a problem in language. To avoid labored constructions, I’ve retained “dominant” or “submissive” where it was appropriate even though the reference could apply equally to a “top” or a “bottom.” I attempted various semantic tricks like “dominant/top,” “dominant or top” and even the generic “player.” All of them did more violence to the flow than I was comfortable with.

  I’ll
also be spending more time talking about pure sensation players since I admit giving their interests an undeserved short shrift in the original version.

  The happiest change from the original volume is that the DSM III, the learned tome that branded what we do as pathologically nuts, has been supplanted by the DSM IV, which takes a lot more understanding view of us whip- swinging perverts.

  Aside from those modifications, most of the changes are either fine tuning on my part or a recognition that time has marched on, leaving some parts of the old book more useful as a historical archive than as a guide to what is happening currently.

  Foreword to the First Edition

  What is “domination and submission?” It is a form of erotic play that takes place when one voluntarily gives up some or all of his or her power and freedom to another for the purpose of sensual excitement. For most practitioners, it is a kind of chocolate frosting on the conventional sexuality cake, an enhancement and expansion rather than a substitute for the genital sex.

  To many who indulge in its pleasures, it is a cathartic sexual game based on fantasy, a sensual psychodrama. Moreover, the term describes both activities and relationships. People, who take part in BDSM games at anything more than the most surface level usually discover that these activities intensify the emotional connections between themselves and their partners.

  There are only two universals in the practice of BDSM. First, there must be a power transfer between or among the parties in the relationship. Second, all activities must be consensual.

  In the transfer, one person gives up a certain amount of power, and another person or persons accept it. The individual who gives up power is the submissive, and the one who accepts it is the dominant. The amount of power given up by the submissive varies widely among couples and may be different at different times for the same couple. At one end of the spectrum, the submissive can agree to remain absolutely still and passive while the other reads a story or describes a fantasy. At the other end, the submissive can display rigorous restraint while enduring (and enjoying) the application of intense and varied stimuli.

  This transfer of power doesn’t have to be at the physical level of, “You must do this,” and, “You can’t do that.” It can be on a much deeper spiritual level. A casual play partner showed me an ancient Hindu drawing of a couple making love with curved and straight lines, called chakras, that led from various parts of one body to the comparable parts of the other’s. She explained that they represented energy transfers the Hindus believed took place during sex. As I looked at the picture, I realized that during the scene I felt this energy transfer, but I hadn’t considered visualizing it in such a way. My partner, in some kind of metaphysical way, seemed to be sending me a force that I returned to her through my actions in the scene.

  Consensuality means that not only has the submissive partner consent to the activities, but that the dominant or top also consents. The latter point is often overlooked, but it is very important to understanding the true dynamics of the relationship that underlies the activities.

  Other terms that have been applied to these games are “B&D” (bondage and discipline) and “S&M” (sadism and masochism). The former is an accurate description of the activities of some members of the greater BDSM community. However, there are many who revel in forms of BDSM with neither a rope or a whip. Although the term S&M is very popular with many BDSM dominants, I feel that we would be better off cutting our ties with it.

  My reasoning is that while masochists make up a significant part of the BDSM community, far from all submissives are masochists and some masochists are far from submissive. Some masochists can be most emphatic about demanding and getting a proper dose of pain during any given session, while others aren’t as vocal.

  However, what bothers me about the phrase S&M is the S. The Marquis de Sade, as anyone who has read his writings knows, favored unwilling victims for his cruel activities, which were entirely concerned with his own pleasure and not at all concerned with consent. To me, this is a true description of a sadist. Nothing could be farther from the spirit of the typical dominant/top who engages in an erotic dance of power with the submissive. While some dominants choose to proclaim that they are sadists, I have noticed that even they will generally distance themselves from nonconsensual practices.

  Since there are pathological sadists in the world, I prefer to leave this term to them and describe us as dominants or tops because the terms are more neutral and less limited. After all, people are confused enough by BDSM play. We don’t need to make the distinction more difficult.

  Do not be fooled by my choice of the word “play” for what goes on is BDSM. As any mother knows, play is inherently dangerous. Who among us survived through childhood without a cut or painful scrape? For this reason, I will never describe any BDSM activity as “safe.” I recently heard of a submissive who suffered a fatal heart attack while cleaning his mistress’ toilet, an activity which would have normally been quite safe but was rendered fatal by the intense excitement he felt fulfilling his fantasy. A lady of my acquaintance suffered a dislocated shoulder while combining bondage with a truly mind-blowing orgasm.

  Some BDSM undertakings are riskier than others. In this book, I will be taking care to differentiate the risky from the not-so-risky and to explain ways to minimize the risk inherent in any of them.

  The truth about most BDSM movies and books is that many things that are shown or talked about are extremely dangerous. True, many movies and a few books have a short legalistic warning against trying to duplicate what is shown, but such a generic warning is little help for someone trying to find out how to do it right.

  Previously, I mentioned the terms dominant and top. These are terms to describe two overlapping kinds of play. A dominant may use both physical and psychological components to play with his or her partner. A top applies physical stimulation to the bottom without requiring a complementary submission on the bottom’s part.

  The best illustration I can provide of a top/bottom scene took place several years ago. I was watching a novice top whipping a bottom I had played with several times. After a few minutes, she pushed herself back from the wall she had been leaning against, turned around and took the whip out of the surprised top’s hand, handed it to me and said, “John, show him how I like to be whipped.” There was no submission here. It was simply one person applying stimulation to another, a top and a bottom.

  I write from my own point of view, that of a male heterosexual dominant. However, I sought assistance from several of my sister dominants and tops and have tried to provide the information women who work with men need. In addition, a number of male and female submissives have provided valuable and, sometimes, vital insights which, I have included.

  A good motto for any dominant: NO UNINTENTIONAL PAIN. I hope this book will help you and your partner find exciting and creative things that you can do in an atmosphere of relative safety and complete consensuality. I’ve been playing BDSM games for almost thirty years and seriously studying the art for more than a decade. This book is the distilled essence of that study and experience.

  You will find the vertical pronoun “I” scattered throughout the book. Although an overweening ego may be in some way responsible, my primary intent is to emphasize that many of the comments in this book are my opinion and are fit subject for debate or refutation. I hope others will carry this orderly and ethical approach to the art of BDSM to greater heights than I can manage.

  The Loving Dominant is intended for a wide audience. My primary goal is to reach novice dominants, or those who feel they are dominants, and help them overcome the psychological barriers to undertaking such a politically incorrect activity. I also want to show them techniques that can be used to bring pleasure to their submissives and themselves. While some of the activities I write about may not interest tops, much of the technique sections should prove valuable.

  Experienced dominants may have largely overcome the discomfort of violating conventi
onal sexual rules and will be familiar with many of the techniques I describe. However, the most experienced of us gets in an occasional rut. Most experienced dominants will find some new ideas here, and reading about what others do in the field may get the old excitement back and inspire new heights.

  While I have written this book for dominants, I sincerely hope that submissives and those who feel they might enjoy being submissive read it. They can gain an insight into “how the other half lives,” and it may give submissives the courage to act on their needs and desires.

  Other individuals may have had the desire to experience BDSM, but lacking the proper words, may have been unable to verbalize or visualize their yearnings.

  In addition, I hope that some copies of this book fall into the hands of the general public. Too often their perceptions of BDSM people are shaped by sensationalized media stories and pornography. The truth may not be as shocking, but I hope it is still interesting. To those readers, I am “defending my perversion.” In fact, you may feel that some of the anti- BDSM positions I try to refute are extreme, but I assure you they are not straw men set up by me to be knocked down. Every one of them represents a real point of view, often with a vociferous group behind it.

  Although I have included a highly personal and opinionated glossary at the end of this book, I feel this is an appropriate place to go over some confusing terms. For example, throughout the book, I use the word “scene” to mean two different, related things. “The scene” is an umbrella term for all BDSM activities and the people who take part in them. On the other hand, “A scene” is what takes place when a dominant or a top and a submissive or a bottom (or any combination) get together and play. Thus, I might write, “In the scene, it is considered unconscionable to ignore a safeword,” referring to the umbrella term, or, “When you are doing a scene, safety is of primary importance,” referring to a specific activity. People may also refer to living the scene. This usually means that they attempt to maintain their BDSM persona on a 24-hour-a-day basis, but it can also mean simply that the person is serious about his or her participation in BDSM.

  The most important word in the BDSM vocabulary is “safe-word.” This is a word or phrase that serves as a signal that things have become unbearable. Common safewords are “red light” and “mercy.” In general, we do not use words like “stop” or “no” because many submissives increase their enjoyment by play acting that they are not in a voluntary situation. Screaming and begging turns them on. However, in a top/bottom scene, “stop” is a perfectly valid safeword. One can even use Lady Green’s, “If you don’t stop right now, when I get loose I’m going to rip your balls off.” In short any sufficiently unequivocal signal is an acceptable safeword.