The (New and Improved) Loving Dominant

by John Warren

  Physically, submission is hard to describe to one who does not have submissive tendencies burning within the soul. I had, long ago, accepted that I must be a masochist. This was not a very pleasant thought, but it was the only term I could find anywhere that described my taste for pain. I knew that I did not like being hurt. In fact, I am a wimp when it comes to what I call real pain, but I and many other submissives can only describe the joy of a whipping or a spanking as increased intensity. The language is truly impoverished in trying to describe the physical feeling.

  Because there is clearly a sexual component, and most people recognize the nebulous word “turn-on,” perhaps, I should just say that I am turned on by acting on my submissive urges and feeling the physical aspects of submission, such as bondage, whipping, spanking, waxing or needle piercings.

  I have always been a spanking enthusiast. It still elicits the strongest sexual response in me. When I am spanked, my vaginal juices flow like a fountain, and sexual tension builds in my clitoris into a tidal wave force that longs to be relieved by an enormous orgasm. Whipping has the added smell and feel of leather, the caress and sting of the leather providing contrast in sensation and in emotion.

  Bondage was not initially a primary turn-on for me. I asked some of my submissive friends why bondage is such a turn-on, and typically, the answer was that it made them feel secure or allowed them to be sexual. As I have grown to trust my dominant partner, I have become more willing to be rendered helpless before being disciplined. The symbolic, consensual helplessness heightens the physical response and amplifies the pre-orgasmic sexual tension.

  Waxing is something that I had never heard of before becoming involved in BDSM, but I really love the sensation. First, I experience anticipation as I see the wax from the burning candle building up into a small hot puddle. The wax splashing on the skin is somewhat like a hot rain drop, but as it quickly cools, it feels like a point of massage oil. There seems to be a direct line connected to the clitoris, making the sexual response even more intense.

  These are just a few examples of how I experience submission physically. To those who still feel you have to ask, “Why do you enjoy pain?” The answer is, I have the strongest and best multiple orgasms this way.

  Integrating spirituality and ritual

  Looking at the stage of transparency takes me into the arena of deep trust. For many it has a spiritual component. I am called to the reality of BDSM from within what I understand to be my soul. All of my religious upbringing and the faith development that took place in adult life led me to accept this truth.

  I can no more deny this call than the Biblical prophets could deny their call. I have seen this in others as well, others who risk more in the way of heart and home than I do by answering the impulse within.

  The word soul represents an individual’s ideas, feelings, hopes, fears and desires. Everything that shapes us, surrounds us or in any way influences us rests within this soul. When one senses the stirring within one’s soul it is nearly impossible to not heed impulses, whatever they may be. For me, the most satisfactory image of soul comes from the ancient Greeks, who viewed the different aspects of the soul with different deities. Psyche, the spirit, was married to Eros, the body. To me, this is why the call is so strong, It is a call to be whole, to be integrated and happy within.

  It often comes up that there is a strong similarity between religious experience and BDSM experience. I have been asked, “Do the submissive’s feelings in a BDSM relationship compare to other control/ surrender situations?” For me, it is more than a similarity. BDSM is part of my spiritual journey. I would call it a faith experience rather than religious. Anyone who experiences the joy of new-found faith is often willing to give up control to God. In mature faith, however, one finds that God speaks to one’s heart through the community and through the aching and longings within the heart.

  To listen to the spirit that calls beyond what you are takes courage. You know it is a right move spiritually when you feel peace about the decision, and the move is affirmed by the community. Often in new faith and in new BDSM experience people think that they are giving themselves totally. In both cases, preconceptions and “the way it ought to be” mentality are cast aside in order to make room for new fulfillment. But, in neither case, do people abandon who they are at the core of their existence. Instead, they often find that they become more true to themselves.

  Rituals within the BDSM scene may seem like a very strange concept, but they can’t be discounted. Patriarchal religions have long attempted to separate the holy from the body – especially from the sexual aspects of the body. Yet, if there is one way the almighty could be sure that we would go forth and multiply, it is by a marvelous gift of sexual drive.

  I associate the act of submission with ritual. Many of the toys we use in BDSM play are phallic symbols: knives, sticks, candles and needles. The vaginal symbols are more subtle, bowls, water or other liquids that flow such as melted wax. During a scene, beyond the enjoyment of the participants, there is a symbolic reality expressed that says sexuality is part of who and what we are.

  My Catholic background makes me think of a BDSM scene as similar to a liturgy, where the actions or props are symbolic of a spiritual truth. For me, the spiritual truth in BDSM is that we are greater together than alone. The polarity of our BDSM roles symbolize the uniqueness of individuals, and we approach the divine by the ecstasy of the scene being acted out.

  I often play out in my mind a scene where I symbolically give my gift of submission. It starts with two of us walking to the center of the scene or ritual space. My outer clothing is vanilla, and I have on a priest-like stole, a symbol of authority and power, that is rainbow-colored. This shows that we start out as equals. Pacabel’s Canon begins softly and slowly grows louder. As the music becomes manifest, I kneel down, bow and then take the stole and remove it from myself and place it on my lover.

  He motions me to take off my vanilla outer clothing, and I do. As a symbol of a willingness to become vulnerable, he puts cuffs on me, a symbol that I trust being helpless before him. Here, I would feel the fire. It might be real fire on skin or my skin reddened and warmed by the whip, symbolic of passion. Pachelbel’s Canon finishes, and Weber’s Music of the Night begins. This music by itself is symbolic of spiritual journey as it talks of letting fantasies unwind and letting the darker side give in. At this point, there is a waxing, symbolizing fire and light. The fire in the candle is symbolic of the fire in the soul, and the image of light coming into darkness is replete with symbolism.

  As the music crescendos, the lyrics ring out, “You alone can make my soul take flight. Help me make the music of the night.” We embrace and caress. This, to me, is symbolic of reaching heights in a journey that one could not reach alone. As the music dies down, we move apart. He takes off the stole and holds it out in front of him, draped over his hands. He bows. I return the bow, and, while my head is still submissively bent, he replaces the stole around me as a symbol of power returned. We again embrace and kiss as equals.

  While this BDSM ritual is in many ways reminiscent of liturgical dance, it does fit my own fantasies of being exposed and becoming known deeply and intimately by another so it is still a personal expression. When I think of a private scene, it seems like private prayer and as such is open to multitude of diverse expression.

  Submission as personal growth

  Being a submissive woman has taken me on a journey that has challenged my preconceived ideas, and it has forced me into values clarification. The life force or spirit within me has been strengthened, and continue to be guided by the spirit of Goddess/ God in every step of the journey. I have gone beyond pain and pleasure into a world of selfdiscovery, personal fulfillment and community outreach. I have discovered a side of me that is curious about my previously repressed bisexual nature and a receptivity to open relationships.

  At times, I have felt like Abraham in the Old Testament when he was asked to give back to God his son, who w
as to be the instrument of God’s promise. How could I give up the values of my youth or the hard-won advances of the feminists who have gone before me? Listening to that small voice within, I have been abundantly blessed, like Abraham was, when I trusted the spirit within rather than conventional wisdom. At other times, I’ve felt like I was an unwilling prophet like Noah or Paul. It has seemed that I have been compelled to be a prophet of a new sensuality as they were called to spread the word of God. My early faith development and refinement, even though it was in a very patriarchal religion, has taught me to live through questions. Being submissive may have put chains on my body, but it has removed my soul from bondage.

  A Feast of Joy…A Dish of Pain

  One of the things that makes discussing BDSM so difficult is the word pain. Submissives don’t necessarily seek pain, even though many enjoy many forms of pain as part of the play. What many of us do would seem to be painful, but most dictionary definitions of pain include phrases like, “leading to evasive actions” or “which are avoided.” Yet, these stimuli, far from being avoided, are sought. Therefore, BDSM actions cannot be pain. Or, can they?

  This conundrum reminds me of a story about a politician, who being asked if he opposed liquor, said, “Are you referring to the demon rum that destroys lives, reduces families to ruin, and is the shame of our cities, or are you referring to the delicious elixir that rejuvenates the tired, gives peace to the troubled, and contributes so much in taxes to our national treasury?”

  The problem seems to lie in a failure of the English language. Obviously there seem to be at least two, and perhaps more, kinds of pain. I’ve never known a submissive who got off on a stomach ache from a bad hotdog. However, many greatly enjoy the very similar pain resulting from an enema. A swat from a closing spring-loaded door is annoying, but one from a leather-clad lover is exciting.

  Nor is enjoyment simply situational. More than once I have had to pause during a session to untangle a strap which was pinching my submissive or to ease her leg cramps. Why did these pains bring her down when she was receiving a substantially greater pain from the whipping, strapping or waxing?

  The answer could be that the pains are different. Popular myth has it that Eskimos have dozens of different words for snow. We have only one word for pain, which is another interesting shortcoming for English.

  As far as I know, psychologists have not examined this terminology shortfall. However, there has been considerable research into stress, which affects the body much like pain. The stress researchers found that there are two kinds of stress, eustress (good stress) and distress (bad stress). Interestingly, the distinction between these two stresses is completely within the soul of the individual. Where one person might see a roller coaster ride as the high point of her day, another might find it a glimpse into hell.

  The same stress can be distress for an individual at one time and eustress at another. We all know individuals who revel in the push and tug of office politics. However, occasionally, even these political animals get fed up and need to get away when the eustress of political infighting becomes distress.

  People in BDSM instinctively recognize that there are positive pains and negative pains. Our discussions are laden with indirect references to them. We may talk about something that “gets me off” or “sends me somewhere else,” while another activity/toy/person “turns me off” or “brings me down.”

  Often, at the beginning of a session, we are dealing with a relatively narrow cone of positive pain. Most submissives prefer to begin with some relatively light, sensual, familiar stimulation. As the level of endorphins build and the submissive gets into his or her space, the cone of positive pain widens, and the dominant has a broader range of stimulation to choose from.

  This is where experience and sensitivity come in. By riding just short of the edge where positive pain becomes negative, the dominant can take the submissive to heights of pleasure she never knew she could reach. However, crossing over that edge, moving outside the cone of positive pain, can distract the submissive and shatter the spirit of the scene.

  This is what creates the intensity of communication between the submissive and the dominant. Body language, tone and timbre of cries, and even odor, provide clues that allow an experienced dominant to bring the submissive right up to the edge without crossing it. To make matters even more complex, this edge does not lie at a particular point on the submissive’s pleasure map, nor is the passage to it analogous to reaching a conventional wall or barrier. The edge varies from day to day and is responsive to the pace, timing of the stimulation and tool employed. In fact, in the non-Euclidian space of BDSM, it is also possible to go beyond the edge without passing it.

  For example, a particular submissive may be in sheer heaven with hours of firm measured spanking but may reach the edge rather quickly with a few swats of the cane. Conversely, the cane may produce a marked negative reaction when used early in the session, but it could be welcomed as a scene-ender which drives that particular submissive right into paroxysms of pleasure when preceded by extensive stimulation with other toys.

  Another thing that differentiates the kinds of pain is a sense of control and trust. Recently, doctors have been fitting patients with small pumps, which the patients can dose themselves with pain medication. To many people’s surprise, the patients used less medication than they would have been given in a typical nurse-supplied situation. It wasn’t that doctors and nurses had been overdosing patients; the patients who could control their own pain could tolerate more of it. They were in control of the situation.

  This may explain why a twisted strap or cramp can be painful and a whip pleasant. The strap and cramp are unexpected and uncontrolled. There is no assurance that no harm will be done. The whip, on the other hand, is controlled by someone seen as trustworthy, one who would not inflict lasting or gratuitous harm. The submissive recognizes either overtly or covertly that he or she has the overriding say in the scene.

  Because the previously mentioned cramp wasn’t part of the script between myself and my submissive, it was, therefore, frightening and painful. It was an alien intrusion into this dance of trust and submission. Since I did not control it, my submissive did not even have the indirect control over the stimulation to which she had become accustomed. This created a sense of negative pain, and she used her safeword to bring the situation once again under control.

  This sense of control over the outer parameters of the scene may also explain why experienced submissives playing with unfamiliar dominants are unable to tolerate the same degree of stimulation they would enjoy with familiar partners.

  It is the development of this trust that is the test of a true dominant. It is fragile, easily broken and can rarely be mended seamlessly. However, it is a treasure beyond price and the key that opens fantasy to reality.

  Stalking the Wild Submissive

  The single most common question in BDSM is, “How do I find a submissive?” (I’m also asked, “How do I find a dominant?” but that’s another book.) Occasionally, it is spoken with an air of angry frustration as if there should be a branch of Subs R Us on every corner. More often, the tone is one of frustration and disappointment.

  I won’t sugarcoat the truth. It is difficult and frustrating for both sides in this eternal dance. If you are seeking a male submissive, remember that you are asking him to admit to desires contrary to every precept he was brought up to hold. If you are seeking a female submissive, keep in mind that by admitting her desires, she could be seen to be rejecting gains that women have slowly and painfully made over the last twenty, fifty, one hundred years. Is it any wonder the streets are not filled with people wearing buttons reading “I’m Submissive; Take Me”?

  There are basically two routes to your goal. One is to attract an individual who has already made up his or her mind that submission is the desired path. The other is to help a potentially submissive person liberate his or her feelings. Neither is easy.

  Let’s look at the first path
. On the surface, it looks smooth. We have a group of submissives looking for dominants and a group of dominants looking for submissives. Put them together and all will be well. In an ideal world, this would be true. Unfortunately, you’re not looking for just “a submissive.” You want someone whose needs and desires complement your own.

  To make things harder, within each group, there is a smaller group of people who are not what they seem. Each group includes mindfuckers, blackmailers and outright confidence tricksters. Removing them from the mix sometimes seems like an overwhelming task. (I should note here that there is also a kind of play called “mindfucking.” The kind of lowlife I’m referring to has no relation to that.) We’ll talk more about these people in a few pages.

  Submissives are looking for someone strong in spirit and confident, someone to whom they can entrust their safety. A seemingly frenzied search does not present these qualities to the onlooker.

  Perhaps, the best approach for a dominant to take is presented, somewhat tongue in cheek, in this short parable written on Prodigy by a Midwestern dominant.

  Somewhere in the stormy North Atlantic, aboard the USS Dominance:

  “Captain…our sonar shows subs lurking in the area.” “Easy, Mr. Libido. We’ll let them come to us.”

  “Begging your pardon, Captain, but shouldn’t we be seeking them out?”

  “Mr. Libido, you obviously don’t know how the USS Dominance retains its control over the high seas.”

  A klaxon horn goes off, and an urgent voice blares from the loudspeaker. “Sub sighted off the starboard bow!”

  “All hands, this is Mr. Libido! Man your battle stations! Full speed ahead!”

  “Mr. Libido! You will rescind those orders and never dare to overstep your authority on my ship again!”

  “Captain, the USS Dominance is a dominant ship!”

  “Exactly, Mr. Libido. And as a dominant ship under my command she will stay her course while the sub approaches. Stand down from battle stations. Steady as she goes.”