The (New and Improved) Loving Dominant

by John Warren

  Whether a scene is to be with an unfamiliar submissive or an old and treasured one, it begins for the dominant long before the submissive arrives. I generally run a scene much like a jazz dance. I know where I am and where I want to go, but the spirit of the moment, my sense of the rightness and the influence of my partner all come together in a complex set of dynamics that changes minute by minute, even second by second.

  On a higher plane, there is a strong link between the spontaneity, intensity and passion inherent in the creation of any work of art and in a scene. William Wordsworth defined poetry as “the spontaneous overflow of powerful feelings.” He might well have been referring to the joyful exaltation of the whip and the rope. However, even a poet must prepare the pen, the artist the brush.

  Preparation

  Is the equipment you plan to use available and in good working order? The actual maintenance can be left to a submissive or submissives. It is sheer bliss to some to be allowed to maintain the instruments of their joy. One mistress sets her submissives to chewing the tails of her whips to make them soft and supple.

  Still, you are the one responsible for the scene and the safety of everyone in it. You must check the equipment personally.

  If the scene will last more than an hour or so, make sure an adequate supply of food and drink will be available. Both you and the submissive are going to be expending incredible amounts of energy. Hunger and thirst can be a distraction from the exciting sensations you want to feel. At a very minimum, I bring a supply of some small, easy-to-swallow treats. Hershey’s Kisses or M&Ms are favorites. They are perfect for popping in a submissive’s mouth when he or she least expects it. The candy provides a quick burst of energy, and the sweet sensuality of it is a marvelous contrast to the dynamic sensuality of what you are doing.

  There is some small risk in doing this because of the level of excitement the submissive is feeling, but I’m sure you know the Heimlich maneuver. If not, read the poster that seems to violate the decor of every restaurant in the country.

  Some people plan their scenes with the precision of a German railroad timetable. I’ve seem some that went: 8:00 to 8:20 spanking, five minute rest, 8:25 to 8:50 whipping with a deerskin cat, and so on. If this is your turn on, so be it. I, personally, feel this kind of scheduling takes much of the spontaneity out of the scene.

  This kind of teutonic scheduling is often desired by male sub-missives and seems to have two sources. With an inexperienced submissive, it is most often an attempt to work out a fantasy which he has had for a number of years. This should be strongly discouraged. Such a person generally has very unrealistic expectations regarding his personal limits and endurance. Also, it is an attempt to seize control of the scene from you. Either situation is a potential disaster.

  Less often, such a program may be presented by an experienced submissive who is attempting to recreate a previous experience. While this is much less likely to fail, you should still discourage such attempts. First, you are not the other dominant or top. It is unlikely you could recreate what actually happened, and worse it is almost impossible for you to be able to recreate what his mind now “remembers” of the experience after he has had time to embellish it in fantasy.

  Second, and more importantly, repeating such scenes has no potential for a submissive to grow. Part of the dominant’s role is to expand their submissive’s awareness and experience. We cannot do that by simply repeating the past.

  However, even without a detailed design, you should have some plans for transitions between various activities. For example, in an initial scene with a new submissive, I set aside some time between each, increasingly intense activity to talk about her reactions to what was done and how she is feeling.

  With more familiar submissives I still try to alternate intense stimulation with gentler activities. For example, although I may use touches of the vibrator during a whipping, I will set aside a few minutes of vibrator play after the whipping is complete and before, perhaps, I go on to waxing. Having such hiatuses gives both of you a rest. The contrast, also, gives a greater intensity to each, individual feeling.

  Limits and surprises

  If you’re unfamiliar with the submissive, spend a bit of time thinking about his or her limits. Of course, no dominant or top would ever ignore a safeword, but one of the more enjoyable games is finding ways to slide around a submissive’s limits. Frontal assault is rarely effective in these cases, but a flank attack can occasionally succeed.

  For example, my submissive Gale was very sensitive about her anus. If I so much as looked at it too long, she was ready to call an end to the session, but she had never put it down as a hard, never, never, never limit. However, I suspected that the sensitivity that she felt could be converted to sensuality with the right input. Before her arrival, I put a bouncing-ball vibrator in a condom, thoroughly lubricated the condom and put the whole thing in a plastic bag so it wouldn’t dry out. The condom served two purposes. This type of vibrator is attached to its battery pack by a single fragile wire. If that wire broke, there would be no way to extract the vibrator without the condom. Second, it kept the vibrator clean.

  She loved over-the-knee spanking. I began lightly along the top of her buttocks and slowly worked my way back, toward the “sweet spot” where the buttocks join the legs, while increasing the severity of the stimulation. As the spanking was reaching a peak, I gave the area near her anus a few extra hard smacks with my left hand and continued to spank the lower slopes with my right. Then, with my left hand, I extracted the vibrator from the bag and slid it carefully into her anus.

  She was so distracted by the spanking that she felt nothing. Then, I paused to let her get her breath back. After a few seconds, I turned the vibrator speed control to half speed. I could feel her puzzlement and then she shouted, “What did you do to my ass?” Before I could respond, the orgasms hit her. Later, when she could talk again, she admitted that she had always been afraid of letting anyone touch her anus precisely because it was so sensitive.

  Music and scent

  For many people, music is an important part of the scene. It stimulates the primitive areas of the brain while bypassing the consciousness. Of course, the music must fit with the scene you have planned. For example, during an Inquisition role-play, I play Gregorian chants. The religious overtones and the monotone nature of the music fits right in.

  Most often, I simply fit the music to my mood. Because I often want to mix both fast and slow passages, I may use Pachelbel’s Canon, the theme from Chariots of Fire, The Firebird by Igor Stravinsky, Close Encounters Suite by John Williams or Rhapsody in Blue by George Gershwin.

  For music that builds toward a peak, there is nothing better than “Music of the Night” from Weber’s Phantom of the Opera. However, it is a bit short. For a slower, longer buildup, I use albums by Mike Oldfield like his older Hergest Ridge and recently released Tubular Bells II. I also like Ravel’s Bolero. Other pieces of this type are Simpson’s Ninth Symphony or the symphonies of Arvo Part.

  Isao Tomita, who works with the Moog synthesizer, has an album, The Planet, that supplies a variety of music ranges. His “Mars” piece, in particular, is full of thunder, others are joyous, while others are soft and delicate.

  If the lyrics are important and the bottom is calling , one cannot do much better than Madonna’s “Hanky Panky (Spank Me)”

  The important thing is that the music works for you and your partner.

  Don’t neglect odor. Incense, like music, creates a mood by bypassing the conscious. Depending on the scene, I use light florals or a heavy musk. The trick is that the odors should tickle the nose, not anesthetize it. You want to accent, not overpower.

  You can use incense to provide the odor or a bit of perfume. One effect that I find quite powerful is to take some of the natural lubrication from my submissive’s pussy and just touch it to her upper lip.

  Beginning the scene

  While the kind of detailed discussion I outlined in the previous c
hapter may need to take place only once before every scene, at least in the early stages of a BDSM relationship, a few minutes of review is a valuable safeguard. During this review, you should go over the safe-word or words. If there is going to be role playing, you should inform the submissive about his or her role and the role you will be playing. This does not have to be in detail. It is enough to say something like, “You are a young noblewoman brought before the Inquisition, and I will be your confessor.”

  Some people use a symbol to begin the scene. For example, I often have a submissive lock her neck chain in place and give me the key. She is mine until I unlock the chain and give her back the key. A dear friend on the west coast uses a blindfold. Others simply begin. Generally, it is just a matter of taste. However, in role-play, there should be a distinct beginning and end to the scene to minimize role confusion.

  Clothing is another matter of personal choice, as is its removal. I usually demand that the submissive strip herself as a reminder of her status in the scene. Music can transform this simple act into a seductive dance. Segments of the scene can be marked by a progressive disrobing, or the submissive can be disrobe entirely at the outset.

  Depending on your desires, you may or may not undress. If you do, do so in such a way as to add to the scene. Men should never, take their pants off before their shirt. A glance at the covers of romance novels clearly show the female fascination with males naked to the waist. However the reverse, with a shirt tail flapping about bare legs, is a spectacle that no amount of inborn dignity can survive. Female dominants may wish to put their submissives into precisely this undignified situation, but male dominants should carefully avoid it.

  The scene itself

  The combinations and permutations of activities in a scene are almost infinite, and I’m not about to lay down a “right” schedule of activities. However, for maximum effect, both psychological and physical stimulation should begin relatively gently and then steadily increase. For example, most submissives are not ready for caning at the beginning of a session, but they may welcome that kind of intense stimulation toward the end. Do not forget that the physical activities – bondage, whipping, spanking – are merely the keys that unlock the journey of the mind.

  Just which act is more intense than another is a suitable subject for discussion with specific submissives. For example, some see waxing as extremely intense while others find it a gentle stimulation. The perception of the submissive should be the final guide. However, a progression of increasing intensity for most people might be, spanking, whipping, waxing, caning, pricking, cutting. This is only a general guide to intensity and, most assuredly, does not mean that every activity must be present in every scene or even in the repertoire. Some very respected and experienced dominants limit their activities to spanking and whipping. The most valuable characteristic of a good dominant is common sense.

  Psychological stimulation like humiliation should also proceed along a continuum. As your submissive becomes more involved emotionally, demands that might trigger a revolt just after the scene’s onset will be welcomed with enthusiasm.

  With experience, your subconscious will learn to read the subliminal cues that a submissive sends out. Without really knowing why you are doing it, you will feel that it is time to increase or decrease the stimulation, begin another phase or ease up and rest a bit. Much like two dancers working each other’s bodies, the two of you will become caught up in a communication with a bandwidth so much wider than that provided by voice or sight alone.

  A scene is not simply an extremely erotic activity. In a very real sense, it is a work of performance art.

  Ending the scene

  The scene can end in a number of ways. You can complete the scenario or end it for another reason. The submissive uses his or her safeword, or it can be ended because of outside guides.

  The ideal way for the scene to end, of course, is for it to run to its natural conclusion. However, you should terminate it if you are getting tired or sense that the submissive has passed his or her endurance limits. If you are tired, you aren’t going to enjoy yourself as much, but more importantly, you will become sloppy and careless.

  A perfect way to end a scene is shown in the video Geisha Slave. In it, Sarana says to her slave Mariko, “When I remove your collar and call you ’Lover’ the scene will be over.” She follows her words with action and then the two make passionate love. Many BDSM films are filled with harmful misinformation. This one is a pleasant exception.

  As part of your preparation, you should have provided a place for both of you to rest after the scene. In my scenes, a bit of gentle cuddling is mandatory, both to reassure the submissive and to give me a chance to get my mind out of the scene. One, or both, of you may want to sleep after the scene. Remember, a scene should be intense, but it can also be shattering to a submissive, particularly one who is new to the world of BDSM. If he or she seems to be shaken or have doubts, be supportive. Submissives often need to be reassured about their inherent worth.

  Talking it over afterwards

  There is some disagreement about when a debriefing should take place, but most people in the scene seem to feel that having one is a good idea. An obvious time is right after the scene ends, while cuddling. Memories are freshest at this time. However, many people in BDSM feel that waiting up to a day is a good idea because it gives both of you time to develop a psychic distance from the scene itself.

  With experienced couples, it can be as little as, “Was it OK, dear?” or, “How did it go?” With couples just getting to know each other, the questioning should be deeper and more detailed. You cannot read a near stranger with complete accuracy. However, as you combine what you have observed during scenes with what you learn during the post-scene talks, you can begin to approach the ideal one-soul two-body amalgam. Each person brings a different set of needs and a different set of sensitivities to the scene. A very concrete example would be that Libby loves the paddle more than any other toy while Line prefers much more severe toys and finds a paddle’s impact too diffuse for maximum pleasure. Of course, you don’t want to beat the experience to death with analysis; it was a BDSM scene, not a presidential speech.

  The essence of a good dominant is strength and control, and during these post-scene talks, you must turn those characteristics inward. This is not a time for flowery compliments. These are serious questions. To treat them as perfunctory time-wasters is to miss a chance to expand and grow for both of you. You must press and probe to find ways to improve both your skills and empathic abilities.

  The submissive will always be reluctant to say anything that could be taken as criticism. However, by eliciting negative comments and by welcoming them in an open and adult manner, you can do much to build both the submissive’s self worth and his or her opinion of you. Besides, wouldn’t you rather hear it from the submissive and have a chance to discuss any problems, than hear how bad the scene went from Judy, who heard it from Karl, who was told by Lisa, who had talked to your submissive?

  A look at a few specialized types of scenes

  Guided fantasy. A guided fantasy is a wonderful way of exploring scenes too dangerous or too complex for realization in the real world. It works by establishing a fantasy in the submissive’s mind and then guiding it to an explosive conclusion. However, this technique is not for everyone. It takes quick wits, careful preparation and a flexible imagination.

  We’ve all experienced guided fantasies as children when we read stories of wonderful worlds and great adventures. We would sit back and let our imaginations fill in the spaces between the words. Now that we are adult dominants, it’s time to start telling our kind of tales.

  It’s as simple as telling a fantasy to the submissive. The description alone is a powerful, sensual device that can bring hours of gratification. However, a guided fantasy goes a step further and makes the submissive an active participant in his or her own erotic tale.

  To make the guided fantasy work, you must cut off or contro
l as much sensory input as possible. A blindfold is indispensable. I prefer the fur-lined ones because they completely block out all light. I’ve also used headphones with a low hum to cut off all background noises when I am not talking, although this isn’t necessary if the scene is in a relatively quiet room.

  Most of the time, during the fantasy, the submissive should be bound in a comfortable position. Any discomfort that is not part of the fantasy can be distracting. You may want to use snap fastenings so that he or she can be moved about if the plot requires it.

  Begin your story in a low, sensual voice. Set the scene and then ask your submissive to describe people and things in it. Keep track of these descriptions and weave them into the story. For example, if he or she describes a dark-haired man with a leather vest, refer to the character in those terms and work in references to his stroking of his dark hair or adjusting his leather vest.

  By doing this, you are reinforcing the submissive’s fantasy by making your story match what is going on in his or her imagination. The two build on each other in the sensory vacuum you’ve created.

  Sound effects can be very valuable. The crack of a whip or the sound of a knife sliding out of a scabbard reinforce the illusion until it becomes almost indistinguishable from reality.

  Don’t forget the submissive’s sense of touch. If you have a vest, you can remind her of her description of one of the characters by saying “As the dark haired man takes off his clothing, he drops his vest on you” and follow your words with the action. To feel the whip at the same time as imagining a whipping is unimaginably intense. One mistress regularly puts her submissives through a degrading male- on-male rape fantasy during which she employs three dildos simultaneously.