The (New and Improved) Loving Dominant

by John Warren

  When I hear that, I give a little shrug and respond, “They are also everywhere in the vanilla world. You just don’t see them.” When I was active in the academic and business world, there was rarely a time when someone wasn’t speculating if A and B weren’t spending too much time together and did A’s wife or B’s husband “know about it.” Parties spawned rumors like leaves falling from oak trees in the fall, and a giggle behind a hand served as an updated version of a scarlet “A” sewn on a Puritan’s dress.

  Are there more “unconventional linkages” in the scene than in vanilla society? I can’t really say, but I do know that the ones in the scene are generally open to “public” view, while those in vanilla society usually lock the doors before locking lips. Because of the bias that multiple partners is somehow unusual, these relationships tend to stand out and seem to be “everywhere.” However, many, many couples are quite happy being monogamous.

  Polyamory shares the same relationship with “cheating” as BDSM does with abuse. In both cases, the key differences are consent and how the partners feel about the situation.

  For a polyamorous relationship to really work, all parties must be aware of what is going on and benefit from it. One of the great myths that dominants fall prey to is “I’m the dominant; what I want is what happens.” This ignores the fact that submissives are neither cartoon characters nor legal chattel (although the latter can be a hot fantasy). As I’ve written before, a dominant who fails to take into account his or her partner’s needs eventually ends up partnerless. Many doms have fallen on their faces, when they allow fantasy to write checks their skills can’t cash.

  Because of the observation that “everyone else has multiple partners” or because it’s just a hot fantasy, many novice dominants feel that they need multiple submissives to be properly validated. First, nothing could be further from the truth. The quality of one’s dominance comes from one’s soul, not from counting the bodies one is surrounded by, and more importantly, like a desire for BDSM, a desire for a polyamorous lifestyle should come from the soul and not be created by an ego-driven need to look good to one’s contemporaries. As with BDSM, you should take a long hard look at what you really want as opposed to what you think is expected. Intellectual honesty is important in both realms.

  You should also consider what you can really handle, because polyamory is hard work. It’s like single-tail play. You may really, really want to give a single-tail whipping (or, less nobly, be seen giving a single-tail whipping), but you can’t even think about applying a single-tail to human flesh until you have developed the appropriate skills. There is no equivalent of a pillow target for polyamorous skills; however, you can exercise moderation at first. For example, the two of you can try some casual play with a third party. Afterwards, sit down and talk about how it felt. Did new fantasies appear or did insecurities cloud the fun? Building slowly and limiting your expectations won’t guarantee a smooth transition but it is certainly better than running full speed into the psychological reefs.

  In managing a polyamorous combination, you have to keep in mind a pair of interrelated fantasies, limits, realities and a multitude of other factors. One relationship coach wrote that, for a relationship to be really successful, each partner has to compromise seventy percent of the time. It may not make good math, but as a piece of practical empiricism, it seems to be pretty accurate. That’s just with two people. I have no idea what the percentage needs to be with three…or four…but it surely doesn’t get smaller.

  To make things even more complex, there are a number of ways people approach polyamory. One of the tricks to making it work is finding a pattern that pleases both you and your partner. Some couples include intercourse in their relationships, while others limit sexual contact to oral play. With others, there is no genital sexual component. Some couples will only play with another as a couple, while each member of another couple is free to play alone.

  There will be problems. Accept that up front. Such are inevitable. If you treat them as failures on the part of your partner or of yourself, you will be wearing away the core of the relationships. Problems are opportunities for change. Here, again, communication is the key.

  Jealousy is almost impossible to avoid, so an admission of that early on can go a long way in limiting the power of the green-eyed goddess. Also, jealousy isn’t limited to submissives. It’s not unknown for a dominant to feel a little put out when submissives begin to discover pleasures that don’t entirely include us. What’s the best way to minimize it? It’s communications, again. It’s easy and more comfortable simply to create an environment where your partners feel uncomfortable in expressing jealousy and other insecurities. It’s so easy, in fact, that many people do it unconsciously. This is the emotional equivalent of putting a book on top of a pressure cooker because the noise of escaping steam annoys you. It’s a workable short term solution, but you end up with a big explosion down the line.

  A better approach is to search out to just what is making any of you insecure and see if it can be dealt with. Sometimes the solution is as simple as just letting A know when you are going to be playing with B so he or she isn’t surprised. For example, Libby and I have a rule that anyone who wants to play with either of us, negotiates it with the other. That way each of us knows what and where the other is.

  Dealing with expectations up front is another way of keeping jealousy under control. As with one-on-one scene negotiations, knowing what each party wants out of the relationship lets you either craft a mutually rewarding situation or recognize “this ain’t gonna work.” Just as before, recognizing the unworkability of a connection isn’t a judgment on any individual. It’s just an acceptance of the complexity of this world and how difficult it is to match needs and expectations.

  Generally, I find those who seek polyamorous relationships are often disappointed, generally by this very complexity. It seems the best approach is to be open to a polyamorous approach if the situation presents itself, but not to be forced into what may turn out to be an unsatisfactory situation because of perceived outside pressures or unrealistic expectations.

  Suggested Reading

  The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures, Dossie Easton & Janet W. Hardy, Celestial Arts Books

  Protocol

  In the world of BDSM, “protocol” is a word that has many meanings. Protocol, as in the vanilla world, can be the lubricant that allows disparate individuals to work together with a minimum of friction. As outlined in the chapter on party behavior, these rules are pretty much common sense and probably wouldn’t even be needed if individuals remembered the behavior they had been taught at their mother’s knee still applies, even in what seems like a no- holds-barred atmosphere of a play party.

  What I’m writing about here is more like the created protocol of the military, the sign and countersign of Masons, the salute and pass-in-review of a regiment, the kneeling or prostration of a slave when his or her master enters the room, using both hands to pass anything to an honored guest, or even a submissive using third person to refer to himself or herself. Viewed from a lofty detachment, these protocols have no obvious utility, but they can touch deeply into the soul of both the dominant and the submissive.

  We do not live in a slave-holding society. In fact, the real world where all but the most favored of kinky people live is one of transcendent egalitarianism. We need the symbols to remind ourselves that the world within is strikingly different from the world without.

  For example, most slaves and submissives are out in the professional and work world where they are often required to take on the mantle of control and order others about, when their soul yearns for the different world with very different duties. As simple an act as touching a collar disguised as a necklace, or a bracelet camouflaging a cuff, can be immensely reassuring that his or her secret world exists.

  Just as an astronaut has to pass through an airlock to go from the incredibly hostile world of space i
nto the comfortable confines of the shuttle, some kinky people need a tangible transition as they move into their personal world. One couple I know of has the slave, each evening upon returning from work, kneel before her master and take her oath of obedience. Others reserve a special collar to symbolize that now they have moved from an inner, thought- driven BDSM to one of touch and action.

  Groups also have protocol. These can be valuable in reminding the members of their special status. One of the things that I loved about the Marines was knowing I was part of something bigger than I was, both in size and time. When we did a pass in review on the drill field at Quantico, we were going through the same ceremony that warriors had been doing in precisely the same way back to the time that Queen Anne’s muster masters used it to assure themselves that a unit could march in formation and the officers could use their swords with skill and precision. That sort of thing touches the soul.

  Sadly, BDSM doesn’t have that sort of history to fall back upon. The earliest still-existent organization is TES (The Eulenspiegel Society), and it dates only to the 1970s. Those that went before, like the loose confederation of gay motorcycle clubs that has become known as “The Old Guard” and social/sexual groups like Hellfire, weren’t big on producing policies and procedures manuals. People can guess, but often the guesses seem to be more based on wish fulfillment and projection rather than objective research. I’m so much more comfortable being told that, “These are our protocols, and we’re comfortable with them,” than, “This is going to be a genuine old guard induction ceremony.” But then, that’s just me.

  Protocol doesn’t have to have the weight of history behind it. It needs only to touch the souls of those involved and speak to their needs.

  Saving the Scene on Film

  Head back, mouth open, every muscle standing out in bold relief, few things in this world are more beautiful than a submissive in the middle of a session. It is little wonder that most of us have dabbled in photography to make some of their beauty ours forever. The sad truth is we often manage to capture little of the reality and none of the fantasy. The pictures come out stiff and unreal or technically flawed, and they serve only as souvenirs to jog our memories.

  What went wrong? Probably several things.

  The most common errors start with too little preparation and expecting too much. We accept that the keys to a good BDSM session are preparation and control. Nothing will break a mood faster than the dominant digging through a set of drawers muttering imprecations while searching for a riding crop or discovering that that chain won’t reach this hook.

  If you simply pick up a camera for a grab shot, that is what you will get – a grab shot with little to redeem it. Surprisingly for some, the more expensive the camera the more likely this will be true. Expensive camera are considerably more versatile than cheap ones, but they are more demanding and less tolerant of sloppy technique. My Nikon F has literally thousands of possibilities for wrong settings on the controls.

  The key to good photos is planning.

  You should set aside a session for photography, arrange the room for it and decide the activities that will yield the most photogenic results. Choreograph the activities so you know everything that will be happening when you take the picture. Photographers call this process pre-visualization.

  Check what will be in the background. Remember you are creating a mood and don’t want distractions. I remember one shot a friend took showing his wife in full suspension. Truly lovely, except, in the background was a crayon sketch their child had made at school that they had stuck on the bedroom wall. It was so incongruous that, instead of appreciation, the picture produced giggles. Digital cameras are superior to conventional cameras in preventing this sort of thing because, presenting the image on a screen instead of a viewfinder, they invite you to look at the image as a whole rather than what you are focusing upon.

  One of my pictures has a shelf that seems to be growing out of the side of the subject’s head. The impact of a picture can be spoiled by such a little thing as clutter on a bedside table. Even professionals forget to check the background in the heat of the moment, and we do expect these moments to be heated. This sort of thing can be dealt with using a program like PhotoShop, but how much easier it is to simply not to make the mistake in the first place?

  After you have gotten rid of the distractions, consider what kind of background props you could use to enhance the mood. Whips and chains on the walls are nice, of course, but don’t forget the power of symbolism. One of my favorite shots shows one of my submissives, arms spread wide and chained to rings in opposite walls with horizontal chains.

  Her back is toward the camera, and she is facing a blank wall on which a crucifix hangs.

  I have a strong prejudice toward faces. My greatest turn-on is to watch the expression on my submissive’s face. Therefore my camera tends to dwell on that part of the anatomy rather than “where the action is.”

  Don’t overlook lighting. It can add immensely to the impact. It helps a lot to have a good camera with manual controls or at least a manual override. However, good results can be had with automatic cameras if you put a little effort into tricking them. You don’t need an expensive set of lights, but it helps. You can get clip-on reflectors at the local discount store and photoflood bulbs at a photographic supply store. A note of warning: make sure the reflectors are solid metal. Photofloods are hot, and silver-coated plastic won’t stand it. For the same reason, handle them with care.

  Silhouettes are dramatic, and thanks to apartment owners insisting on white walls, they are easy to obtain. Simply put the lights so they shine on the walls instead of the submissive. If you don’t have a white wall, tacking up a white sheet will do. Try putting a bare bulb, just an ordinary lamp without the shade, behind the subject. This will create a glow around the darkened body and highlight the hair.

  Dramatic, contrasted lighting really sets the mood for bondage. Put your lights at right angles to the camera and outside the camera’s field of view. If you are using an automatic camera, put something between the lights and the camera. Some of the light sensors on automatics have a wider angle than the camera lens and can be confused by an off-camera “hot spot.” You can also get really dramatic lighting effects by using a focused source of light like a slide projector.

  Another source of contrasted light is candles. Although they are relatively dim, you can use a tripod and the bulb setting on a manual camera to keep the shutter open. This takes experimentation, but it is well worth it. An advantage of bondage is, if you do it right, the subject isn’t going to move during the exposure.

  To soften the effect of candle light without overpowering it completely, use an electronic flash and a slow shutter speed. By keeping the shutter open for a relatively long time, you capture the image of the candle flame, and the instantaneous blast of light from the flash fills in the shadows. Again, a bit of experimentation is needed, but the effects are well worth it.

  Another interesting source of light is a strobe. I don’t mean the electronic flash unit that has replaced flashbulbs. I’m talking about the blink, blink, blink flasher that was made popular in the ’60s that is still sold by places like Radio Shack.

  The beauty of this kind of dramatic lighting is that the flashes are so short that it is virtually impossible for the individual pictures to be blurred. Unlike candlelight, strobe light is most dramatic when the subject is in violent motion because one exposure can capture a number of images depending on how often the light flashes. Care should be used when employing strobe lights, although. They have been known to cause seizures.

  We all want to be part of the action, but leaving the camera and entering the picture has its own set of problems. Ideally, you can leave the camera in another’s hands. This will yield incalculably better pictures as the camera is being controlled by a conscious eye and an aware brain. Unfortunately, this isn’t the kind of thing you can ask of the helpful next-door neighbor (unless your neighbor is infinitely m
ore fun than mine). Lacking a third body, most people turn to some sort of remote triggering device, and they are deeply disappointed in the results.

  It seems too simple to set the camera on a tripod, step into the action, and produce an erotic masterpiece. In reality, using a remote-triggered camera for anything more complex than a simple, “OK, everybody, look at the camera and scream” calls for considerable thought and planning if the result is even to approach acceptable standards. While it is difficult to mix a real BDSM session with photography, it is almost impossible to mix a session with remote photography. If you want to use a remote camera, plan a photo session which will include BDSM rather than a BDSM session which will include photography.

  There are several ways to trigger a camera indirectly, like self-timers, air releases and wireless releases. The selftimer is the most common and the most difficult to get good pictures with. You set the timer, actuate it, run around into the action and wait for the timer to run out. This is a bigger mood wrecker than dead batteries in a vibrator.

  There is simply no way to maintain the rhythm of a session while fiddling with a camera, running around and posing. To make this worse, you can’t really know when the timer will run out. This makes shooting anything other than a frozen tableau an exercise in frustration. Take a whipping; out of the five seconds it takes to take a stroke, only one shot or less is of any photographic value. Factor in Murphy’s Law, and you might as well be playing poker with a guy named “Doc.”

  An air release is a squeeze bulb connected by a thin, flexible tube to a plunger on the camera. Squeezing the bulb causes the plunger to trigger the camera. Some electronic cameras have replaced the air-operated plunger with a solenoid fired by a button you can hold in your hand, but the principle is the same. This has the advantage that you know exactly when the camera is going to go off. The disadvantage is that the tube or wire may show up in the picture. Wireless releases work in a similar fashion, except that radio waves or infrared light replace the wire.