The (New and Improved) Loving Dominant

by John Warren

  When you get it home, put a series of attachment points about six inches to a foot underneath the overhang of the top. Of course, if you really want to generate curious questions, you can put them along the edge. Screw eyes are acceptable, but I prefer cleats from a marine supply store. These are used to attach boats to piers and look like squashed H’s resting on their side. Their advantage is that ropes attached to them can be untied quickly and easily.

  If your submissive enjoys a bit of additional stimulation while tied up, get a non-skid chair-pad from an office supply store, and trim it so it fits the top of the table. The little plastic spikes on the bottom of the pad provide an interesting surface for any submissive to lie on. You should provide padding or make a cutout in the pad so the submissive’s head and, if appropriate, knees or elbows are protected from the bed-of-nails effect. The pad can easily be stored out of sight when not in use.

  As I noted in the “Cutting” section of the Fun and Games chapter, a futon, with or without its pad, is the perfect bondage frame. However, most are put together too delicately to restrain an enthusiastic submissive. You need to drill a few pilot holes and reinforce where each slat is connected to its brace. The original screw and a three-inch reinforcing screw will withstand almost any conceivable stress that a submissive bound in place on the frame could produce. Naturally, this is another place where the reversed office mat can find an application.

  By throwing the futon’s padded mat over the raised back, you have a perfect surface for spanking or cropping. You can have the submissive stand behind the futon and bend forward so his or her hands are touching the seat and tie the hands to the crossbars at the front of the seat with the legs tied to the vertical braces on either end of the end. This provides a beautiful, spread target. If, despite the pad, the submissive is uncomfortable, try doubling up the pad to cut down on the pressure on his or her stomach.

  Another piece of Asian furniture that lends itself to bondage is a Korean Papa San chair. The basic configuration is a bowl made of heavy pieces of curved bamboo with a circular pad that fits inside the bowl. The whole thing rests on something that looks like a giant egg-holder. This chair can be used for bondage in its “normal” configuration with the submissive either sitting with feet on the floor and hands and knees tied to the rim, or it can be used with the submissive sitting in the lotus position with his or her hands and knees tied to the rim.

  However, if you put the bamboo-frame bowl upside down on the floor, its real potential for bondage comes out. Here we have a dome-shaped frame on which a submissive can be tied in a multitude of ways while arched to receive stimulation. Simply as an objet d’art, such a combination of bamboo and flesh is a prize to be cherished.

  If you enjoy spanking, a heavily padded loveseat (what an appropriate name) or an antique cobbler’s bench provide a perfect surface, while not exciting any comments at all from vanilla visitors.

  If you have exposed beams, you have an ideal place to put a few screw eyes. Paint them black or the same color as the beams, and most people won’t notice them. Few of us ever look up unless something catches our eye. Further camouflage can be provided by a hanging plant or two.

  For the floor, I’ve seen some plate-and-ring units that fit right into the floor and, when not in use, lie perfectly flat. Of course, they require that you use a chisel or router to make an appropriately sized hole in the floor, but once in place they are almost unnoticeable. The people who had them said that they were purchased at a marine supply store.

  If you don’t want to put in permanent eyebolts, get a pair of heavy carpentry clamps and fasten them to the top of a door. You can then put someone in standing bondage against the door. Exercise stores also sell removable chinning bars that provide an attachment point that should be fairly secure.

  While it wouldn’t be appropriate for the living room, a freestanding swing set would not be out of place in a playroom or in the cellar, and it provides a perfect brace for standing bondage or even a bit of suspension. If you don’t have children, you can deflect suspicion with a casual comments such as, “The last tenants left this, and we haven’t gotten around to taking it down,” or, “Isn’t it cute? We got it to try to recapture some of the memories of our youth.”

  Even more discreet is a simple ladder. After all, everyone needs to change light bulbs or dust for cobwebs. Even an ordinary ladder provides a multitude of attachment points for naughty submissives, and modern technology has made the ladder even better. A neighbor has a Rube- Goldberg-type ladder, called a MultiMatic, that is jointed so that it can be converted into a conventional straight ladder, a stepladder, a scaffolding or into a number of other forms. Occasionally, I borrow the ladder with an appropriately vague excuse. If only he knew.

  In the bedroom, a four-poster or a Shaker-style pencil- post bed fits right in. However, you should make your attachments as close as possible to the frame. A friend literally pulled her pencil-post bed apart when her lover tied the ropes from her legs to the top of the posts. The combination of her orgasm, the strength in her legs and the leverage provided by the long post was too much for the antique. The bed was repaired, but the relationship did not fare as well.

  Antique brass beds provide a multitude of attachment points. Modern beds, particularly water beds or those designed like water beds, are less congenial. However, a series of marine cleats or screw eyes along the base of the bed, under the mattress overhang, increase the utility of these beds from a bondage point of view. If you have a waterbed, make sure that the attaching screws have not penetrated the wood to rest against the mattress material. This kind of oversight could give a whole new meaning to the term “water sports.”

  Modern beds can be turned into an exceptionally versatile bondage surface by adding Sportsheets. These are described in more detail in the Opening the Toybox chapter.

  Lighting is important in setting the scene. In most cases, this is as simple as unscrewing the white bulbs in a few selected sockets and replacing them with colored lights. However, anyone who has watched late-night movies knows dungeons often have flickering torches. Unfortunately for the modern dungeon master, the old dungeons also had stone walls. Romantic torches are not kind to wallboard walls and ceilings. However, I’ve found electric lights that flicker just like candle flames. A cluster of these gives an impression of a torch (if you squint really hard).

  With a little work and a bit of imagination, you can have it all, kinky dungeon and vanilla home.

  Party Manners

  Being invited to your first scene party can be a great thrill, but at the same time, it can be a nerve-wracking experience. However, if you’re reasonably able to deal with people as people, have been housebroken to the point that you won’t embarrass yourself and others in a well-run mall and have a bit of common sense, you shouldn’t have any problems.

  Of course, the rules among groups vary. Some groups, like Threshold on the West Coast, won’t even let you attend one of their parties until you have attended an orientation meeting. Most, however, assume that you are sufficiently intelligent to ask if you’re uncertain. The problem lies with knowing what to ask about.

  Clothing

  Most scene people are casual about clothing, but at the same time, a Lacoste shirt and Eddie Bauer jeans can “suck energy” from a scene. This doesn’t mean you have to invest two months of pay in a leather outfit complete with codpiece. Basic black is always acceptable. Ladies can let their imagination run wild. I’ve never seen an outfit too extreme for a scene party.

  However, and this is a big however, when the party is held in a private home the hosts may not want to advertise their orientation to the entire neighborhood. It might be a good idea to slip on something over the outfit or carry it in a paper bag.

  Punctuality

  In much of the vanilla world, an 8 p.m. party invitation means showing up sometime after 8:30. If you are going to a scene party, arriving at 8:45 may mean facing darkened windows and locked doors.

  Both
for security (imagine a neighbor coming over for a cup of sugar) and to prevent the rhythm of the scenes from being broken, many parties lock the doors after the action begins.

  Parking

  You may be told to park in a particular place. Do it. Many people don’t want to advertise the party with cars lining the street outside their house.

  Tag-along guests

  Even more than at a sit-down dinner for a head of state, unwanted and unknown guests are a no-no at a scene party. It is all right to ask, once, but if the answer is “No,” drop it right there.

  Anonymity

  Expect to cultivate a selective amnesia about people.

  At the party, they are who they say they are. You might make a hit by saying, “Gee, I recognize you. I loved your last picture,” but it is more likely you’ll find yourself shunned as a barbarian. After the party, forget who you met until the next party. You may think you are being cute by saying, “Remember me? We met at Irene’s party,” to a familiar face, but a more likely result is no more invitations. If you see someone, a shy smile indicating vague recognition is about as far as you can go unless they respond.

  If you really want to meet that little red-headed submissive you played with last night, it is permissible to call the host and give him or her your phone number to pass on if possible. It is the height of bad manners to ask for anyone else’s phone number, except from the person in question.

  To make this easier, I keep some small printed cards in my toy belt. They have my name, post office box address and telephone number. It is a lot easier to give someone a card like this than to try to make out a phone number scribbled on the back of a matchbook the next day.

  Dungeon masters or dungeon monitors

  At large parties, there are often experienced players who are in charge of keeping order and making sure people play safe. They are usually very polite, but their word is law. If one of them says something like, “I don’t think it is safe to do that,” stop it immediately. The reasonable tone is not an invitation to a debate.

  Scene behavior

  Usually, there will be one or more areas set aside for scenes. While you are in these areas, keep the casual chitchat to a minimum. It can be very distracting to both the submissive and the dominant in the midst of a scene to overhear someone discussing the stock market. Even if your broker is E.F. Hutton, take the discussion out into a social area.

  Give people room to play. By the same token, if you are playing, keep your play reasonable for the space available. You may be proud of your ability to use a bullwhip, but a 10’ by 12’ scene room during a party is no place to demonstrate it.

  If you want to ask someone who is in the middle of a scene a question, ask it after the scene is over. Breaking into a scene is always disruptive and can be dangerous. In some scenes, concentration is vital. In all of them, it is part of the pleasure.

  If your scene is messy, clean up after yourself or have your submissive do it. A thoughtful dominant who brings a sheet to catch bits of wax or shaving cream is much more likely to be invited back than one who leaves a pile of litter behind.

  If you think someone’s scene is dangerous, you can seek out a dungeon master or the host to draw it to his or her attention. Again, debate is not an option. Accept the master’s opinion. What you cannot do is stop it yourself or criticize it.

  If you simply find a scene distasteful, go somewhere else. No one is making you watch. As an extension of this, displays of homophobia (or for that matter, heterophobia) are in the worst possible taste.

  Intoxication

  This varies a lot according to the group, but most BDSM groups are pretty straitlaced when it comes to drugs and booze. Some forbid it entirely, while others expect you to limit yourself to a single beer. Drunkenness is a sure ticket to the door. Remember, under the present laws, if you are caught with drugs by the police, the party giver could have his or her house confiscated. That is not good manners.

  Party Manners

  Some people feel that if they wear their whip on the left side it somehow excuses them from conventional manners. Actually, the opposite is true. Manners didn’t arise from the lower classes. They were developed by a bunch of very dominant individuals to keep them from cutting each others’ throats at the slightest jostle. Saying “please” and “thank you” to the serving submissives doesn’t weaken your air of dominance; it enhances it. The same goes for cleaning up after yourself.

  Never use or even touch another person’s toys without asking. Most people are proud of their collection and enjoy showing it off. If you damage a toy, offer to replace or pay for it. These things can be very expensive. Assume the first refusal is a courtesy. I would recommend asking three times to show you are serious.

  As in the public clubs, submissives are to be looked at but not touched or used in any way unless you are given specific permission. There may be submissives serving the food. Unless you have been told that it is desired, do not attempt to humiliate them in any way.

  Safewords

  You may assign or have your submissive choose a safeword. However, some parties have a house safeword. This is usually something common like “red light.” This assures that the dungeon masters can check on the consensuality of the scene and that any “pick-up” scenes are fully consensual.

  Even more than at public clubs, your behavior at private parties can make or break your reputation. You want to make sure that everything you do enhances the reputation that is your most important scene possession. Sending a short note thanking the hosts is always appropriate.

  First Aid for The Scene

  Just because we are playing does not mean that our submissive won’t get hurt at one time or another. We are playing, but we often are playing rough. People get hurt riding bicycles, skating, jogging. My local newspaper carried an item about an elderly lady who, excited about winning at bingo, stood up too quickly, fell back over her chair and broke her collarbone.

  This does not mean that we should accept any injuries as part of the game. After everything has returned to normal, it is incumbent upon both of you to sit down and try to prevent whatever happened from happening again. There is nothing contradictory between playing hot and playing safe.

  This section is far from a complete first aid guide. I strongly recommend that you supplement it with a conventional first-aid manual. Read them before something happens. When someone is bleeding it is no time to try to assemble a medical education. Many dominants know more about taking care of their toys than their submissives. If I were licensing dominants, I would make a basic first-aid course including CPR one of the minimum requirements.

  As the prices drop from four figures to three, I’m becoming a big fan of automatic defibrillators. Defibrillators used to be usable only by highly skilled technicians, if they were to do more good than harm. This new generation has hardwired most of the skills needed right into the machine. Slap on the pads, press the button and the machine will decide what’s needed and go ahead and do it while you wait for the EMTs, that you’ve already called, to arrive.

  Make sure your submissive has read this section. While most injuries do happen to submissives, dominants have been known to fall, set themselves on fire during a waxing, or cut themselves with straight razors. I use the word “submissive” throughout for consistency, but don’t assume you are somehow bullet-proof.

  Both of you should also practice emergency procedures. When things go wrong, sometimes people panic and take refuge in the familiar. One woman vacuumed her carpet while waiting for the paramedics to arrive when her husband had a heart attack. Make the emergency procedures familiar and commonplace, and you’ll be much better off when all hell breaks loose.

  Cuts and bruises

  The most common injuries in the scene, as almost everywhere else, are cuts and bruises. Bruises are unsightly, except to those who wear them as badges of pride, but they generally will disappear after a while. You can speed up healing by putting ice packs on them for no more than
a half hour. Hot water will only increase the size and discoloration, and because the skin is not broken, antiseptic or astringent solutions are useless.

  You should already have asked if your submissive has a clotting disorder or takes any kind of anticoagulant drug like Coumadin. This will make him or her bruise much more easily.

  The greatest danger from cuts is infection. Clean the area with warm water and a mild soap. Then sterilize it with Betadine or alcohol and have the submissive hold a bit of clean gauze against the cut until the bleeding stops. Hydrogen peroxide, recommended by some first-aid books, doesn’t sterilize as well and, with repeated use, may actually retard healing. If you think you may have gotten any blood on you, wash carefully with soap and hot water. A Band-Aid can be used to keep the injury clean after the bleeding has stopped.

  If, later, the cut gets red and swells, you see red-purple streaks under the skin or it is sensitive to a light touch, it is probably infected. Go to a doctor. Aside from simply being dangerous, an infection greatly increase the chances that a scar will form.

  If the bleeding is severe or if it spurts, apply tight pressure with your hand or elastic bandage over the site of the bleeding and call 911. A person can die from a severed artery in seconds. Do not attempt to use a tourniquet unless you have been trained in how to apply one. A poorly applied tourniquet can cause much more damage than you realize.

  Unconsciousness

  Simply because of the excitement of the scene, because their air supply has been inadvertently cut off or because they have been standing in one place too long, submissives occasionally faint. Some people have the habit of holding their breath during orgasms which causes them to pass out. It is called orgasmic syncope. Diabetics may faint if violent activity causes their blood-sugar level to drop. As I noted in an earlier chapter, you should know your submissive’s medical history before you begin to play.