The (New and Improved) Loving Dominant

by John Warren

  Vibrators should be wiped with a rag soaked in hot, soapy water and another with ten percent bleach. However, because of the construction of most vibrators, they cannot be soaked. Instead, they should be covered with a condom before use. For those too large to cover with a condom (although you will be surprised how much one stretches), use a surgical glove. Some vibrators like the Hitachi Magic Wand and the Oster Stick Massager have attachments that can be soaked in water-bleach mixture. Another approach is to use a laboratory sanitizer like Hibiclens, letting it sit for about ten minutes and wiping with warm water.

  Rope and nylon strapping can be washed in an ordinary washing machine. However, you should first put them into a bag to minimize knotting and to prevent them from becoming tangled in the agitator. A mesh bag like those used to wash delicate fabrics is ideal. However, a pillow case will do.

  TENS accessories combine a number of cleaning problems. The insertable toys have internal contacts that can be hard to reach and may react badly to immersion in a bleach solution, and condoms aren’t useful because they are insulators. About the only way to be confident of disinfection is to use an autoclave or pressure cooker for at least a half hour. Another approach is a spray with a laboratory sanitizer using the approach mentioned above. Some external contacts made from rubber can be cleaned with a bleach solution, but the leather ones should be cleaned like any other leather toy.

  Condoms, dental dams, finger cots and latex gloves should be sealed in a plastic bag with a bit of alcohol and disposed of in the trash. Ideally, they should be treated like biohazard materials and incinerated in a sanitary manner, but sometimes the principal way to make sure that the wrong thing is done is to make the right thing too complex to do. Let’s just keep it simple, and dispose of them in a sealed container full of alcohol fumes.

  Appendix: Contracts

  Here are the contracts entered into by two dominant/submissive couples. The styles are quite different, but the basic features remain constant.

  Master Morgan’s and Leah’s contract:

  Leah agrees to place control of her body, thoughts, and behaviors in the hands of Master Morgan while they are in direct contact. She will follow all commands that fit within the limits of this contract completely, faithfully, and with immediate speed. She will answer all questions honestly and completely. She agrees to receive punishment if she fails to comply with the above.

  Master Morgan accepts the responsibility for leading Leah in the exploration of her sexuality. Morgan agrees to protect Leah’s sense of internal self-worth while removing ego barriers that have prohibited her from exploring these areas on her own. Morgan agrees to a long-term goal that Leah will become comfortable in the knowledge of her sexual desires, as expanded by this training. She shall achieve her “graduation” when she is able to control her own sexuality because her restructured sexual ego and sense of self-esteem are in harmony. The choice of behaviors, sexual partners, physical devices, and punishments is determined by Master Morgan, with the following exceptions:

  Leah may stop any activity at any time by the clear use of her safeword;

  Leah and Morgan may leave this agreement temporarily and return to the outside world at any time simply by requesting it;

  While the level of acceptable force will be learned by mutual exploration and may change with time, nothing will be done to cause physical injury to Leah. Nor will she be exposed to risks of pregnancy, arrest, or disease.

  Verbal humiliation will be used only as it affects Leah’s preconceived notions about sexual morality. It will never be used to describe her general worth as a human being nor her non-sexual behaviors, except her unwillingness to follow orders.

  This contract expires immediately upon clear notice by either party that the contract is terminated.

  Sir Spencer’s and M’s contract:

  That the two of us have become united as closely as we have in our lives, I now unite and align myself with you in the signing of this agreement and state as carefully my own additional commitment to the strength and assurance of our relationship. We thus compose and provide this document as our original “Agreement of Submission,” as a statement of our devotion to our continued relationship and to provide the sense of solidity that we both so very much want.

  Of my own free will, as of (date), I, (M’s name here), hereby submit to you as my master, and grant you full ownership and use of my body and mind from now until (date about six months later). I further understand and agree to the conditions of the sharing of my body, mind, heart, and soul which I desire to give over to you, and submission as you have detailed herein.

  I will strive diligently to acquaint my personal self, my habits, and my attitudes with those that are in that are in keeping with your particular interests and desires for me as your submissive. I will thus always seek to discover new ways of pleasing you and will be observant that I always do those things that you have already indicated that you enjoy. I will gracefully accept any criticism you may choose to inform me of.

  For example, when deciding modes of dress, rather than dictating what they should be in this document, to maintain a more flexible position, I am allowed by you here to assist in the planning and negotiation of what forms and fashions of apparel are to be worn by me.

  As another example, I will gladly honor at your desire and request, to undertake the public display and to exhibit the exact condition of the state of my submission through the symbols we have chosen and will choose in the future.

  I will not conceal or hold private from you, any aspects of this component of my life and existence. I will advise you immediately and without hesitation of all events and occurrences in this and related aspects of my life. Especially, of anything which may affect our special relationship and the condition and status of my ownership and submission.

  Thus to this end, I will always look toward and seek your kind assistance. I will be firm in my assurance with conviction and understanding, that you do hold with love and concern, my best and highest interests. I will try to please you and thus achieve any rewards you may so kindly deign to give me. I will obey you at all times and will wholeheartedly seek your pleasure and well-being above all other considerations.

  Accordingly, I know that you sincerely have my own safety and hopes at heart and will thus ensure that my obedience is complete and I thus may safely entrust myself to your exacting care and attention with no fears or apprehensions on my part.

  I am aware that this agreement is not to be considered as being synonymous with a slave contract. In the main intent and context of our agreement, I will obey you at all times during the period of this agreement.

  Again, in keeping with the context and intent of this document, I thus give over to you the direction of my own privileges to my own pleasure, comfort, or gratification insofar as you desire or permit them. Or in this aspect I will, at all times, first ask you for your kind permission, before I may be allowed to enjoy my own pleasure in some particular manner or way. This would be any type of activity at all beyond routine sexual “self-pleasure,” which use and frequency, you have allowed me to negotiate with you.

  In keeping with the intent of this agreement, I will answer any question posed by you immediately and without hesitation, fully and truthfully. As a counterpoint to this, and as you have expressly wished, I will understand that you want me to feel free to express, also without hesitation any question, interest, desire or need, in keeping with the nature and condition of my submission and my desire for your pleasure; knowing that you do insist upon this questioning. However, I am first to ask permission in any case that I may desire to do something or to ask you a question.

  In regard to the conditions of my ownership I agree to the following. I freely offer to you, in this aspect, the full and sole possession of my self; and that with the addition of the special clauses detailed herein, the condition of my ownership shall be fully determined by you.

  As to exclusivity: As we have discussed and agreed; in add
ition to the condition of ownership, you have hereby allowed me to share time and activity in submitting to J.W. as my Mentor, just as you are my Master. For this additional consideration, I am very grateful to you and to J.W., as I know it will please both you and he, to allow for this arrangement.

  In regard to the giving of myself to any other Masters, Mistresses, or any Dominants of any design, I hereby renounce any rights or privileges to do so; unless by special arrangement discussed with you directly, on an exception basis, and which may also include a three-way discussion between you, myself and Mentor J.W.

  Also in connection with the conditions of my submission and ownership, I will also be responsible to maintain myself in condition pleasing to you. I will heed your wishes as regards to during which portions of my day to day existence you wish me to be fully aware of the condition of my ownership and submission, and during what times of day and night these requirements are to be in force.

  I also understand that you will determine any occurrences of our encounters, but that also during times in between our personal encounters, in order to please you, I may be also required to engage in my own remote training at your direction.

  I understand that I need to maintain my own personal diary of events and emotions that I have had and felt since the very moment that I began to embark on this unique life adventure. Therefore I know that it is my responsibility to dutifully maintain my diary, and from time to time read to you from it, upon your request.

  I understand that my failure to comply in any way with the intent, or with the clauses and conditions of this contract will constitute sufficient cause for me to face possible punishment of your sole determination.

  Accordingly, I have humbly and at your instigation asked for the single “safe” word of “Prodigy,” should I need to plea for a cessation of some treatment. You have assured me here and now that we may discuss and agree to any future change or addition to safety signal.

  You have further assured me herein that you may give audience to my pleas in regards to some particular method or treatment that you may desire to place me under. I am assured and trusting, that you will always consider the current state of my limitations in making any determination and imposition of any treatments I am to receive or endure. I am fully aware with my entire conscious being that your treatments of me, my body, flesh, mind, and spirit will be imposed always with your care and love.

  Beyond these requests and considerations, I graciously allow and submit myself to receive any nature of treatment that you so desire to give me.

  At my request, I gratefully understand that a minimum of one weekend a month will be set aside for my personal attention and further training.

  Due to the unique nature of our relationship, the duration of the agreement (contract) of this relationship has been determined as stated at the top of this document. At a time approaching the termination of this agreement, you have assured me that you and I will discuss its renewal.

  Also at that time any planning for modifications or updating of the terms and clauses of the agreement may be discussed. As that time I understand, as you have told me, that we may discuss some sort of award based on my successful and pleasing completion of the terms of this agreement. The nature of this award may take the form of some type of emblem or insignia, or even some adornment, be it of a temporary or permanent nature, to mark the end of this first period of my grateful submission. Future emblematic awards may be further granted at the ends of each subsequent passing period of renewal as representative of the continuation and deepening of our relationship.

  «the following added at a later date, as negotiated»

  I, (Spencer’s name here), vow to keep myself only unto you, in these things which we share and enjoy with each other, and participate with no others, except those which we have already discussed with other. This would include the clause in our main agreement document for Mentor, and now in this addendum for myself, to participate on occasion with KT and AI. I will hereby also vow that I will not engage in, nor seek to engage in any new activities with any parties, unless you, and I have thoroughly and completely assessed and discussed the particulars of the situation with each other, and are both in complete agreement and anticipation of such outside activity.

  Excluding the exceptions already stated, we will not engage in any of these pursuits without the presence of the other. As our two rings which we will always wear have become symbols of our relationship.

  Appendix: What color is your handkerchief?

  Almost everyone who has come in contact with the scene has heard about “the handkerchief code”; even the title of this section was taken from a well-respected, although out-of-publication, book by the lesbian BDSM group, Samois. However, to most people, the signals remain a mystery. There is a good reason for this: There is no consistent nationwide, mutually agreed upon set of signals. Each city and group has some local or personal variation from a ambiguous and nebulous norm. Handkerchief codes are most common in gay and lesbian circles, but some hetero groups have adopted them.

  The closest thing to a norm is a vague agreement that right side display indicates submissive and left dominant, but in the real world, a handkerchief in the left pocket or a set of keys on the left side of the pants may simply indicate a left handed person.

  Some of the more common colors are:

  Black = Heavy into the scene

  Gray = Bondage

  Red = Fistfucker

  Dark blue = Anal sex

  Light blue = Oral sex

  Purple = Into piercing

  Green = Wants money or is willing to pay

  Brown = Shit scenes (Scat)

  Yellow = Piss scenes (Golden Showers)

  Pink = Breast fondler

  Orange = Anything goes

  White = Wants or is novice

  White Lace = Victorian scenes (lesbian or CD)

  Maroon = Likes menstruating women or is menstruating (lesbian)

  Unfortunately, to make things even more complex, headbangers and other fringe groups have adopted wearing handkerchiefs in their belts or carrying them in their pockets recognizing only that they indicate some sort of socially forbidden behavior.

  Once, at an TES meeting, Lenny, the owner of The Vault and a large, imposing gentleman who clearly has had more than a passing acquaintance with leather and motorcycles, told with glee about approaching two youngsters who were defiantly sporting brightly colored handkerchiefs in their pockets. As he told it, he walked up to them, pointedly looked at their handkerchiefs while they tried to decide whether to run or to stand their ground and said, “So, you want to get your asses fucked and drink some piss.” That persuaded them. They ran.

  Appendix: Spencer’s Questionnaire

  The following is a questionnaire that a colleague, Master Spencer, developed for delving into the fantasies of submissives.

  Preliminary Idea/Format: Do you like something that is highly planned, or spontaneous, unplanned and unstructured? Or perhaps something with elements of both? Do you like the planning and negotiating to be verbal or written or a little bit of both? Do you prefer knowing what will happen: completely

  mostly

  somewhat

  very little

  not at all

  Roles and Fantasies (Those that you like to be doing as the Bottom): A role which is set in the present, the here and now, and you are “yourself,” and “getting it” just as you are. For example just because you “like to” or to “atone” for certain emotions present or past.

  A role which is set in the present, and you are being “yourself,” but some “fantasy” becomes more involved in these roles. For example, you are “in role” as a type of person who has certain faults and failings for which you need to atone, be corrected, or punished for. In these types of roles you may either “remember” and describe the things you need correction for, or may maintain an “imaginary” or real “Log Book” or “Diary.” Common imaginary or real failings are such things as:
Assignments and things not carried out.

  “Faults” of timeliness: late to work, for appointments or not calling when coming home late.

  Making a clutter, failing to clean the kitchen or the windows, failing to vacuuming or dust or do other assigned tasks.

  Causing loss and breakage, auto fender benders, personal possessions of yourself or your Top, housewares, small collectibles, large or valuable collectibles and possessions.

  Behaving in a naughty way like being argumentative, pouty, bored, and moody, in a foul, nasty mood or aloof, sassy, sarcastic and teasing, “flirtatious,” other scandalous or exhibitionistic behavior.

  Money things. Spending too much on big items, or too much on small items, forgetting items you were told to buy.

  Appearance, not dressed to please deliberately, accidentally, or dressed entirely inappropriately for the occasion.

  Fantasy roles where you may be “being” someone other than yourself, either in cast in present day circumstances, or in times and places past. These types of fantasy roles can be sort of grouped into several different types of circumstances. In a sense these tend to gradually increase the level of the (Bottom) player’s role.

  Fantasy roles in which the “victim”/Bottom/submissive is involuntarily “captured” and/or kidnapped and either “dealt with” randomly without any reason, or as a symbol of some oppressed cause: In the present time: by terrorists, mercenary soldiers, as “westernized” women in Islamic states, Western women by Islamic courts, by bikers, a liberal woman by a community of reactionary “survivalists”, (UK) “skinheads” vs. the wealthy class, a socialite kidnapped for ransom.

  Set in the past: a “heretic” by the Inquisition, the noble classes of old France and Russia, the village girl captured by de Sade, the Indian girl by cowboys or western pioneers.

  In a very servile, subservient, even “slavelike” situation, often “punished” for very little provocation, these settings seem to be mostly in the “past”: The heroine of the Science Fantasy/Sword and Sorcerer/Sword and Sandal epic stories; Norman, S. Greene, Gene Wolf’s “Shadow of the Torturer”