Worth The Fight (Hard To Love Book 1)

by T A. McKay

  Several strong hands pull me away from the lockers and drag me across the room until I'm pushed against the wall.

  “Fucking stop, man. What the hell has gotten into you? You're scaring Asha.” I slap the hands off me, glaring at Jason as he speaks. I need to get out of here so I can clear my head before I do something I regret. I push off the wall and walk through the crowd that’s gathered around me. I come face to face with Coach, neither of us speak as we stare at each other. Moments tick by and the silence becomes thick. He still doesn’t speak as he moves to the side and lets me past him. As I’m level with him, he reaches out and puts his hand on my shoulder, stopping me in his tracks and makes me look at him.

  “Don’t do anything stupid, boy. Don’t ruin everything you’ve worked for.” I nod at him, understanding what he's trying to tell me before I walk out the gym door. I have no idea where I'm going, but I know that I can’t be here right now.

  ****

  I slam my front door behind me making the windows vibrate. The anger I felt earlier only intensified once I got to Bryce’s house and saw that his car was missing. I don’t know how long I sat outside his house before I went to the grocery store for a bottle of Bourbon. If I was going to have to wait on him, then I would do it while getting so drunk that I wouldn’t hurt any more. I knew I would be disappointed when he didn’t come home, but that didn’t stop me from waiting there. While I was sitting there, taking large mouthfuls of alcohol, I wondered if this is how Bryce felt the night after my fight, the night I ran from him. I know it must have been, and knowing where I’d been and what I was doing, made me drink even more.

  I waited for hours, my bottle of Bourbon finished and thrown into the back of my truck. I knew I had to leave, but I was struggling to get my feet to move. I knew I couldn’t drive with all the alcohol in my system, but I couldn’t make myself walk away. It felt like I was giving up if I left, I needed to stay in case he came home, that way he would see me waiting and would know I wanted him.

  I eventually moved when the sky went dark and I started getting strange looks from Bryce’s neighbors. I didn’t want to spend the night in a cell so I left, walking slowly along the sidewalk towards home. Now I’m here I don’t know what to do, I feel so lost. I don’t know why it’s hit me like this all of a sudden, I haven’t been with Bryce for a few weeks now, so this shouldn’t feel any different. I think it’s because I know he's not out there and won’t be at the gym in the morning, he won’t be around for me to look at. Even though we weren’t together I always knew he was there, that I would see him every day since the gym and my training brought him back to me. I don’t have that safety net of his job to keep him tied to me any more.

  I walk through to my room, trying desperately to walk in a straight line. I strip off my t-shirt and throw it across the room. I feel wrong, like my skins too tight and I need to do something to ease the discomfort. I need to shower, maybe if I scrub my body it will make these feelings go away. This is why I don’t fall for anyone. I keep things simple because when someone leaves me it doesn’t usually hurt like this does. If I'm honest I’ve never felt like this before, the pain is almost too much for me to take. I undo the fly on my jeans as I move across my room, before suddenly changing my mind about a shower. I need to run, I need to work this frustration and pain from my body. I visualize my feet pounding the sidewalk and music filling my head as I let the world around me fade away.

  My mind is set and I only have one focus, that is until my eyes find the t-shirt that’s sitting on my bed. The one that Bryce left the last time he was here. I found it the day after my last fight, and never returned it. I just couldn’t hand it back to him, it would’ve been like giving back the last part of him that I had. At least this way, I could always keep a part of him with me, even if it’s not the part that I wanted. Tonight it sits on my bed mocking me, reminding me that I’ll never have him again. He's gone and is never coming back. Anger fills my chest, pushing out the pain, and I embrace it, preferring that to the crushing ache. I turn away from the t-shirt, putting my hands on the top of my drawers and letting my head drop. I concentrate on my breathing to let the feelings flow out as I exhale. I open my eyes but the anger’s still there. I'm angry at myself for losing the guy I want, I'm angry at Bryce for leaving me, and I'm even angry at Asha for not being Bryce.

  I let my frustration take over, picking up the photo frame from the chest of drawers and throwing it against the wall. The feeling of satisfaction as it smashes is welcomed and it’s the catalyst for what happens next. I grab anything that’s close to hand and throw it, knock it over, basically destroying everything in my frustration. I stand in the middle of the room with my chest rising and falling quickly as I take in the mess around me. I'm not out of breath, but I can feel myself breaking. Now that my anger’s spent, all that’s left is the ripping feeling in my chest. It feels like I can’t catch my breath, that I can’t fill my lungs enough to survive. My heart is pounding against my rib cage and I don’t know how that’s possible, because I know that it’s not there. My heart is wherever Bryce is, he has it and I pray to god he never gives it back. I let out a strangled sob, walking backwards until my back hits a wall. I let my legs give out and I crumble to the floor. I drop my head and for the first time ever, I let the pain come out in tears. My heartache streams down my cheeks for the world to see.

  I don’t know how long I sit there crying, it could be minutes, hours or even days, but I startle when arms wrap around me.

  “Baby, what’s wrong? Oh my god, what happened?” I look up into Asha’s worried eyes. I didn’t hear her arrive but as she holds me I'm glad she's here. Maybe she can tell me what to do and how to make this pain stop.

  “He left me.” I don’t have to say anything else, I have a feeling she knows who and what I'm talking about. She pulls me close to her and strokes my hair gently, the tenderness makes the words flow. I know that if I was sober I would never talk to anyone like this, but, with the alcoholic courage, I say the words I’ve needed to say for a while. “He was everything and he left. I can’t believe he’s gone. What am I meant to do without him?” Tears are still falling as I lean against her chest. Her arms around me give me comfort and I suddenly feel tired. All the emotion has drained my energy from me, and all I want to do is sleep. As I let the darkness take me, trying to outrun my misery, the last thought I have is of Bryce. He has that smile he would get when he looked across the room at me. A smile that I will never see again.

  ****

  Holy fuck. What train hit me? I turn in bed and I regret it instantly when my stomach rolls and vomit fills my throat. I throw the bed sheets off me and run towards the bathroom, barely making it before I lose the contents of my stomach. When I'm finally finished I lie on the floor, enjoying the feel of the cool tiles against my overheated body. I close my eyes and try to concentrate on my breathing. I think if I manage to just keep breathing all day, it will be an achievement. I contemplate lying here all day but know that the pounding in my head is going to make me move. I need to get medication for it but even the thought of putting something, even water, in my stomach has it churning again.

  I hear soft footsteps walking up beside me before a cool cloth is placed over my head. I sigh in appreciation of the angel that’s helping me.

  “Are we feeling a little rough?” Asha’s voice has a tinge of humor to it and I wonder what I look like and what the fuck I did last night. I remember being at Bryce’s house, waiting for him to come home. I pray that I didn’t attempt to drive.

  “What happened?” My voice is rough, making me sound like I’ve been asleep a week … or have the worst hangover of my life.

  “That I would love to know, but I think only you can answer that.” I would wonder what she meant by that, but thinking is making my head throb.

  I feel her grab my hand and I groan as she pulls, trying to get me to sit up.

  “Let’s get you off the cold floor. I've put a bottle of water and some Tylenol next to your
bed for you.” It takes me longer than it should to get to my feet, and every movement makes me want to die.

  “You know, I didn’t realize you had such an evil side to you.” My words are met with laughter but she never stops her insistent pulling until I walk into my room. As soon as I’m through the door I come to a complete stop and look around. My room is complete chaos, there isn’t a flat surface that has anything left on it. The objects that should be there are scattered around the room, most are smashed or damaged beyond repair. There are also cracks in some of the furniture and several holes in the wall.

  “What the fuck happened in here?” I'm hoping Asha will tell me I came home to find a frat party that got out of hand, because if it wasn’t that then I don’t think I want to know the real reason.

  “That’s another thing you will have to try and remember. I came in to find the place like this.” I look around in shock at the mess. I don’t remember anything no matter how much I try.

  “Where was I when you got here?” A strange look crosses her face before she smiles, but the smile is too big, too bright. She starts picking up things from the floor and I'm sure it’s so she doesn’t have to look at me. What did I do last night? I'm going to have to try really hard to figure out what happened by myself, because by the look on Asha’s face there’s something she's not telling me.

  “You were asleep on the floor, I managed to get you into bed and then I tidied up a little. I didn’t think it was a good idea to leave you with the mess you were in, so I slept in the bed next to you. Something obviously had you upset.” She still won’t look at me and now I'm actually happy about that. I don’t want to have to lie to her, I might not know what I did last night, but I know what caused it. I didn’t know how to cope with Bryce leaving, all my emotions finally catching up with me. The alcohol had helped me block everything out for a little while, but now in the cold light of day, all the feelings come flooding back. The pain from last night seeps into my bones and I just want to start drinking again but I don’t know how I would explain that behavior to Asha. She's the woman I’m going to marry, but she's also the person I have the most secrets from.

  I watch as she moves around the room, cleaning up the mess that I've caused, and I wish that I could love her like she deserves. She’s such a nice girl and she would make an amazing wife. Standing there in my underwear, surrounded by what’s left of my bedroom, I realize one important thing, and something that makes me rethink everything I'm doing. I’m taking away Asha’s chance to find someone who truly loves her, someone who wants to give her the world. There’s someone out there who will be her everything but she won’t look for him if she thinks I love her. I close my eyes, making the decision that I need to leave her and let her get on with her life.

  “Asha.” I say her name softly, and she stands slowly.

  “Not today, Zeke. We’ll talk soon.” She walks towards me, still looking at the ground. When she’s standing next to me, she reaches up and kisses me on the cheek.

  “No matter what, I love you, I always have.” She walks away from me, leaving me standing in the same spot. I finally walk over to the bed and collapse on top of it. When did my life become such a clusterfuck? A year ago I though I had life sorted out. That I had everything that I ever wanted. I was working towards my first championship, I was at the top of my game, and I was fucking any woman I wanted. But now? Now I'm hurting people by using them to make my life easier. I hate this, I hate what I’ve become and I can’t go on like this, I can’t keep letting them get as hurt as I am. Why should their lives become harder just so mine can look picture perfect from the outside? It’s time to stop being selfish, even if it’s too late for my happy ever after. I threw away my one chance at true love when I ran from him, and I’ll never get him back.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Zeke

  I bounce in place watching my opponent walk towards the cage. This is the final obstacle standing between me and my showdown with Dwayne. Just this fight to win and I’ll be in the final. I can finally show the world that I’m the best, and believe me when I say I won’t be stop until someone drags me from his fallen body.

  I look over to where Asha’s standing and see her smiling widely as she watches me. Things have been strained ever since I decided we needed to end things a few weeks ago. I think she knew what I was going to do, her expression told me that she could tell there was something bad coming, and I haven’t seen her much since then. She’s dropped into the gym a few times, since that’s where I’ve been practically living in the build up to tonight, but I refuse to talk to her with an audience. What we have to sort out isn’t the sort of thing you want to do in front of others, I have more respect for her than that. I’ve decided that it will be sorted tomorrow. I will win this fight tonight, getting my professional life back to where it should be, and then I will get my personal life back on track by telling Asha it’s over. I just pray that she can understand my reasons, and that one day she might forgive me because hurting her is the last thing I ever wanted.

  My attention is pulled back to my opponent when he walks up in front of me with a cocky look on his face. Little does he know that he is about to get his ass kicked. The skills that Bryce taught me have been invaluable, he knows how to fight and showed me it all. I clear my mind, knowing that if I spend too long thinking about Bryce it will affect my concentration and that’s the last thing I need right now. I fist bump with my opponent before backing up into my corner to wait for the bell. I start to bounce again, the energy inside me is starting to build so much that I can’t keep it inside. I just want to get this fight over with so I can concentrate on training for the final, my only goal is to get there and kill Dwayne. Okay, not actually kill him but hurt him … a lot.

  The bell goes and I instantly go into attack mode. Coach told me I had to make this fight last, to let the guy get a few hits in before I floored him but I'm not planning on that happening. I have watched DVDs of this guy’s fights, and to say that he’s here by pure luck alone is no exaggeration. He couldn’t fight himself out of a paper bag, and I'm pretty sure some other contenders had been paid to throw fights against him. If I let him connect a punch with my skin then people think I'm not as good as I am, and if I pretend that he's winning at any point I may as well just go home. Even now, he’s bouncing about like he's fucking Tigger and I'm not sure what to do with him, he doesn’t stay still long enough for me to hit. Out of nowhere his fist flies and hits me across the cheek. The fucker just managed to punch me and I'm not happy about it. Another fist strikes across my jaw and I feel my lip burst under the pressure. This guy is really annoying me now. He’s moving so much that I can’t plan my attack, so I decide to just let him wear himself out, there’s no way he can keep this up for too long.

  Movement catches my eye and I look away from the bouncing idiot in front of me. I don’t know what makes me look, there are so many people in the place that movement in an aisle shouldn’t distract me but there is something that pulls me. Walking up the aisle is a guy in jeans and a shirt, his hair cut close at the back. My heart starts beating faster in my chest as I watch him walk away from me, I recognize the way his body moves and I have to stop myself from running to him. I don’t know if he can feel my stare on his skin or if he just happened to look back, but he turns and my breath is stolen when our eyes meet for the first time in weeks. The world around me fades away as I stand and look at the man I didn’t think I would ever see again. I didn’t think it was possible but he looks even sexier now than I remember with his hair styled and his body bigger.

  A sudden punch to the ribs brings my attention back to what I'm meant to be doing. I turn my head as I hear coach shouting at me to get my head out of my ass but all I can think about is Bryce. I need to finish this now so I can go after him, I need to talk to him and ask him why he left. Thankfully my opponent has stopped jumping like an irritating frog and I throw a perfectly practiced punch. I smile as it connects under his chin and I watch his head as i
t’s thrown backwards and his eyes roll back into his head. I see him start to fall towards the ground and I know there will be no more fighting for this guy tonight, he is out like a light so I’ve won the fight. I wait for a moment to hear the referees call it and as soon as I hear my name being announced as the winner I jump from the cage. I barely take time to land properly before I take off up the aisle towards where I last saw Bryce.

  I push through the doors, shouting his name even before I enter the hall on the other side. I look around, panic starting to rise in me when I can’t see him. I run blindly, my only thought is to find him. I want to know why he's here and where he's been. I want to tell him that I can’t stop thinking about him and my heart is breaking into smaller pieces the longer I'm without him. I don’t think I’ll be able to tell him any of this but just to see him close up, to make sure he's okay will be enough. I'm worried about him, the last time I went by his apartment it was empty. I don’t know when he moved out or where he’s gone, and that has me worrying. I know that he moved here not long before he started working for me, so now he’s jobless and living fuck knows where. I heard rumors about him working for Dwayne but I know he wouldn’t do that, or at least I hope he wouldn’t. He knows what I went through at his hands, and he's also the reason I acted like a fucking fool, so I'm sure that Bryce wouldn’t want anything to do with him. I need to make sure though and this might be my only chance.

  After searching for far too long I realize he's gone, he must have left while I was still fighting. I hear Coach shouting down the corridor to me, telling me to get my ass into the changing room. I barrel into the room, slamming the door into the wall behind it. All heads turn towards me and I don’t know what they see in my face but they all step back, putting a lot of space between them and me. I'm glad they do because the way I'm feeling just now, if someone said one wrong thing there’s a chance that I will put my fist through their face. I unwrap my hands, throwing my bandages across the room. I can’t believe that I finally had him in my sights and I let him get away. I don’t know when I’ll ever see him again and I missed my one fucking chance. Damn it!