The Darker Side of Mummy Misfit #2

by Amanda Egan

  He is the cutest little boy! He’s quite small but as stunning as his mother. He has the most impeccable manners and it’s clear that Max and Todd are besotted with him.

  And as for Patience, she has to be the most effortlessly elegant woman I think I’ve ever met in my life. I hate her! Joke!

  She arrived wearing a simple shift dress and knee-high boots, carrying a bottle of Pinot (a woman after my own heart!) and a boxful of Halloween goodies for the kids.

  We fell into an easy conversation, sipping on our wine with Fenella on Irn Bru (her peculiar choice of pregnancy tipple at the moment).

  “It really is the most vile drink” she told us as she opened her second can. “But I just can’t seem to get enough of it. Baby Hunter-Barnes must have Josh’s common genes, methinks!”

  Patience laughed and added, “I think Sol must have his father’s short genes. Not that I can remember that much about his dad, he was a one night stand at uni.”

  Felt huge respect for her for opening up with us so readily, it was information that she didn’t have to share.

  After her third glass of wine, she dropped her guard even more.

  “Not the friendliest bunch down at Manor House, are they? Are they like that with all new recruits, until you pass some sort of initiation test, or do you think it’s just because I’m black?”

  Once more I thanked the heavens for Fenella’s forthrightness as my stupid brain couldn’t think of the right thing to say.

  “Oh Sweedie,” Fenella got up and took Patience’s hand. “As far as the Meemies are concerned, I honestly don’t think this has anything to do with colour. It might be why the kids have been so mean, but that’s just ignorance which will soon blow over because I’ve already had a word with their teacher. No, with the mums, it’s because you’re a single parent, I’m sure of it.”

  Patience and I looked confused.

  “Well, put it this way. (a) You’re stunning and you pose a threat and (b) Being a single mum, they don’t know how you meet the school fees and that pisses them off.”

  Patience smiled. “Do you think they might be more accepting if I do the school drop off in sackcloth and ashes and let them in on my little secret?”

  Her little secret turned out to be … her father is one of the wealthiest men in Nigeria and the 55th in the world, having made his fortune from diamonds, concrete and real estate.

  Once we’d got over the shock, we couldn’t stop laughing. We laughed so hard, I fear Fenella may have had a little accident.

  Our new friend is a multi-millionairess and when the Meemies find out they’ll be clambering over each other in their Manolos to be her friend.

  Saturday 1st November

  Ned found the whole story as hilarious as we did - and his eyes were practically on stalks when he came home from work last night to find the gorgeous Patience elegantly draped on the sofa in our kitchen. She really does have the most incredible legs - you just can’t help looking at them, so I can’t say I blame him.

  She’s already volunteered to help me and Fenella with any fundraising and she also said that her dad is a true philanthropist and she’s sure he’d be more than happy to make a considerable donation to CCL.

  “He’d love to help another child get a great education, so I think he’d be delighted to support a child fully through the school. Let’s keep that little bit of info to ourselves for the moment though, shall we? Have a bit of fun with the Meemies for a while?”

  Fenella and I decided we really liked our new friend. This term is turning out to be fun after all.

  Sunday 2nd November

  Had lunch at Nic and Rick’s today as they wanted to have us over before they collect Baby Mikhail.

  “Libster, we’ll be frantic this time next week. Nappy changing, feeding, winding, bathing and …” Nic paused. “Oooh sorry Lib, I don’t mean to go on with boring baby talk. Let’s open a bottle of bubbly and wet the bab…” He stopped again, abruptly.

  I told him not to be so daft, that I really didn’t mind and that I was excited for them. “Now open the bloody bubbly and let’s wet little Mikhail’s bonce immediately.”

  Rick came in from the garden where he’d been playing with Max, Dog, Dot and their own dog from our litter, Stripe.

  “Dog seems really happy to see Stripe but I think Dot might be a bit jealous.”

  Told him that she often gets the hump when Fenella brings Splodge and Brown over.

  “I think it’s cos Dot’s so used to having Dog to herself, she finds it a little difficult to share when her siblings muscle in. Guess there’s an upside and a downside to housing your dog’s puppies with friends.”

  Max was sipping his apple juice thoughtfully and quietly added, “That’s what I’d have been like if I’d had a brother or sister, isn’t it Mummy? I’m glad I’ve got you all to myself.” And, with that, he skipped back to the garden calling the dogs to go with him.

  Ned came over and put his arms round me. “Always knows the right thing to say, my little guy!”

  “Yeah, Libs,” Nic added, “you’ve got a real cracker there. Let’s make a toast to Mikhail and Maxie-Boy.”

  And we clinked glasses to their impending bundle of joy and my incredibly gorgeous son.

  We had a fantastic lunch and I was a really big and brave girl and asked them to show me the nursery and all the bits and pieces they’d bought for the baby.

  Rick’s done the most amazing job on the room and painted a stunning mural on one wall depicting a forest of magical creatures.

  I’ve known him all these years and never knew he had such a talent.

  It was just as I was admiring a teeny-tiny toadstool sprinkled with what looked like fairy dust, that I had my brainwave.

  Nic plans to carry on acting when they have Mikhail but Rick’s said he’d like to be a stay-at-home dad. They’ve been having major worries about money though as Nic’s theatrical income can be very sporadic.

  My idea shot out of my mouth before I’d had the chance to let it fully form.

  “This sort of thing would go a bomb at Manor House and the other local prep schools. Why don’t you take on commissions?”

  Ned agreed that it was a great idea. Rick said he had considered it but it would mean leaving Mikhail with a nanny and they didn’t want to do that.

  That’s when I opened my big mouth again.

  “Well I’m not working now Fenella and I have sold the party business (for a nice little profit, I might add - enough for us to have a pool installed at the villa. So posh!), so I could have him on the odd days you work.”

  Two poofs and a husband looked at me in shocked silence.

  “What?” I asked. “What’s so wrong with that? It makes perfect sense. I’ve got the time and the experience, you know you can trust me and I don’t charge.”

  By the time we set off home, it was all agreed. Rick would take a stall at the Christmas fair, displaying samples of his work on boards and with photos, and he’d donate 10% of any commissions booked on the day.

  Ned broke the silence in the car with a sleeping Max, Dog and Dot in the back.

  “Have you gone quite mad, Lib? What if we have another baby? What happens then? I don’t think you’ve thought this through, you know.”

  He still hasn’t cottoned on to the fact that we won’t be having another baby and, anyway, don’t you have to be doing something to make one?

  Monday 3rd November

  Finally bit the bullet and called sister, Elle. Did my dutiful aunt bit and asked how Baby Gracie was.

  “She’s great Lib. And I’m really sorry I’ve not asked you to babysit recently. Just thought you might need a bit of space and not have babies thrust at you.”

  Told her not to worry and filled her in on the imminent arrival of Baby Mikhail.

  “Yeah, Mum told me Nic and Rick had “bought” a baby. Very disapproving she was but, of course, she’ll be all over him when she next sees them - that’s just Mum though, a prize bitch!”

&
nbsp; Calling Elle had cheered me up a bit - glad to know I’m not the only one who has issues with Mum, despite what she’d have me believe.

  Nipped in to Mrs S before heading off to meet Fenella and Patience for lunch. She was sitting in her fireside chair watching a Manilow DVD, dressed in her best sari and cardie and more or less back to her old self.

  “Oh, Libbybeta. I am waiting for Skunk and his witch doctor to come and take me out to lunch. We are hitting the town and going to a new veggie place in Camden. I am very lucky to be having such a kind friend.”

  Skunk really is so good to Mrs S. Ned had told me that, after she’d had her fall and was unable to continue with ‘Ba’s Kitchen’, not only did Skunk insist on paying her a retainer, he’d also slipped a sneaky few grand into her bank account.

  When I look back to my first meeting with him last year when she brought him home from computer class, I feel quite guilty about my suspicious reaction to him.

  Mind you, the green hair and piercings didn’t help but it certainly reinforces the old adage “don’t judge a book by its cover”. Something the Meemies would do well to take heed of.

  Mrs S certainly isn’t suffering from confusion at all now so I think Silver may have been right about needing company. It’s clearly done her the world of good.

  “Libbybeta, I have been having much success with teaching Desmond to sing ‘Copacabana’. Pritesh’s stupid woman said I couldn’t do it but I will prove her wrong.”

  For a fleeting moment I wondered if her marbles had slipped again but, as she walked towards Desmond’s cage with her lips pursed, I saw a look of determination in her eyes I’d never seen before.

  She started shakily with the first notes and then found her rhythm.

  Then, sure enough, little Desmond joined in with a whistle - really rather clearly - and I’m sure his little yellow body was having a bit of a boogie with it.

  They came to the end of their performance and Mrs S turned to me with a steely look. “That will be showing ‘Her Royal Horribleness’! No one makes fun of my Desmond.”

  I’m seriously impressed and can’t wait to bring Max in for a listen.

  “We are now working on a Manilow medley but I will not be giving you a sneaky preview until we are having it perfected. I am thinking that Skunk has bought me the cleverest little birdie in the pet shop!”

  And I am thinking that Skunk is a very clever punk.

  PM

  Had a great lunch with Fenella and Patience, our new best friend. We just seem to click and we’ve fallen into a very comfortable threesome.

  It felt good to be able to hold my own and go to whichever restaurant they decided on - last year I would have had to make excuses or been the subsidised pauper.

  As it was, we settled on a new place that was doing a special lunch deal - why splash out unnecessarily, we all agreed.

  Fenella had two starters, a main and one and a half puddings - hope she’s only eating for two. She also kept topping up her water glass with Irn Bru.

  “You should have seen me when I was carrying Todd and Charlotte. Both times, I ballooned out to about the size of two Jo Brands. I didn’t see my feet for months and Josh had to put my shoes on for me before he left for work - as for knickers, forget it! Went commando for three months with both bubs!”

  Once we settled down with our coffees, Patience told us how she’d been quite roundly snubbed by Barbie this morning.

  “I just happened to smile at her and she looked at me and said, ‘I’m sorry, do I know you? Are you the Templeton’s new au-pair?’ And she didn’t even give me the chance to answer, just got into her sickly pink sports car, giving everyone a flash of her sparkly gusset.”

  “I can’t wait to see their reaction when they find out about you,” Fenella said through a mouthful of Mars Bar she’d found in her handbag. “I mean, just the fact that you live in Belgravia will be enough to give some of them a coronary. But that you actually have real money will bring them swarming like bees round a honey-pot.”

  I still find it hard to believe that people can be so shallow. I’ve been at Manor House for over a year now and it never ceases to amaze me how these monstrous women get away with their actions.

  I asked Patience why she’d chosen to send Solomon to school in our area when she lives so far out of town - it’s a hell of a hike, particularly at peak time.

  “We’re just in one of Dad’s houses as a stop-gap until we complete on our new one in Wimbledon Village. Hope the new house impresses as much - we won’t have a swimming pool!”

  “What, no swimming pool?” Fenella joked. “Oh well, I’m not so sure Libs and I will be able to continue the friendship. We do have standards to keep up you know!”

  Patience laughed and told us that she needed to make a move as she had an important meeting to get to.

  When pressed by Fenella (nosey cow!) it transpired she’s a well respected artist and had been approached by palace courtiers to discuss a commission by William & Kate!

  Oh it just gets to be more and more fun.

  Tuesday 4th November

  CCL

  Spent the morning preparing for the meeting tonight.

  Fenella, Patience and I (or the ‘Anti-Meemies’ as Fenella has now named us) have decided that I’ll announce the good news of our anonymous donor. Patience’s father, Mr Umbolo, did in fact agree to fund a child from reception until the age of eleven. Patience wants to play things by ear and get a bit more value out of the Meemies’ nastiness before we strike with our trump card and disclose exactly where the money has come from.

  I’m also to request that she has a stall at the Christmas fair - let’s see if they’re as cultured as they make out.

  I somehow doubt it, given the vulgar displays I’ve seen adorning walls at various drinks parties - but what a scream when they realise she’s an artist ‘By Royal Appointment’.

  PM

  Home after a very long meeting, which would have been even longer if Hinge & Bracket hadn’t intervened.

  They started by announcing the winner of the Poetry & Prose book cover competition and Fenella and I were delighted to hear that it was Solomon (obviously has his mother’s artistic talents).

  There were a few disgruntled mumblings. Think I heard “unfair,” “new boy,” and “fix,” but I was determined not to rise to them.

  Our anonymous donor news was received well by Hinge & Bracket. Hinge practically fell off her chair and Bracket looked like she was about to hyperventilate as she wafted herself with her lace hankie.

  Shergar and Barbie were deep in conversation and then Shergar stood and spoke.

  “I’m sorry but, as treasurer, I don’t feel it’s acceptable for the benefactor to remain incognito. We, as fund raisers, have a right to know where the money’s coming from - especially an amount such as this.”

  Hinge put Shergar firmly in her place and told her that we had no rights whatsoever.

  “I think it’s wonderful news for CCL and in no way would I want to jeopardise such a generous contribution by insisting the person reveal themselves. We quite simply have to respect their wishes and thank Libby for providing us with such a useful contact. The matter is closed.”

  Shergar did a little whinny and flumped back in to her seat. Dress-up Mummy ruffled her tutu and looked as glazed as ever and Barbie played with her extensions.

  Mr Rooney looked over at me and winked! Hmm, really quite cute.

  Barbie then took to her feet with Christmas fair updates - they don’t seem to be quite as organised as we were last year but we can’t spoon-feed them. Our food stall is all set so that’s all we can concern ourselves with.

  When it came to our turn, Fenella and I told them that all was set for the welcoming drinks party on Friday and that the Auction of Promises was looking good for the middle of the month. I also requested the stall for Patience and was initially met with a stony silence from our Christmas fair trio.

  Barbie actually managed to string a sentence togethe
r and said, “An artist, you say? She’s an artist? Well she’s welcome to a stall but I can’t guarantee it will be popular. We know what we like here at Manor House.”

  Fenella and I smiled slyly at one another and said that, yes, we were sure they did know what they liked but it was only fair to give a new mum a chance.

  “Well, she can give us fifty quid for the space then - if she can afford that - we’re not having the space run at a loss and she can also give us 20% of all commissions.”

  Had to kick Fenella swiftly under the table as I felt sure she was about to blow a gasket and give the game away.

  “I’m sure that will be perfectly acceptable to her,” I told Barbie and rapidly brought the meting to a close before Fenella could blab - I wanted to have a lot more fun with this one.