Lynx Loving

by S. K. Yule

  “Hm,” Krista murmured.

  “Speaking of which, what is up with you and Landon?”

  Krista felt the warmth creeping into her cheeks. “Nothing. Nothing at all is up with me and Landon.”

  “I can see that. Everyone can. The question is, why?”

  Krista sighed then looked at Nyssa. “He can’t let go of the guilt, and until he does, a close relationship with him is not possible.”

  “The guilt?” Nyssa’s brows knitted.

  Krista leaned close and whispered, “He can’t let go of the guilt he feels over abandoning you. He was worried that by being with me, Brady would be pissed—which we all knew Brady was going to be pissed—and upset you. He didn’t want to do anything that might cause problems after finding you again. He loves you and is petrified of losing his family again.”

  “I’ve told him that I forgive him. The past is the past. I love Landon, and while I was hurt by his actions, or rather inactions, I understand what grief can do to a person. Our mother’s death scarred us all. She was the only thing that kept our family together. She was the only one who provided happy peace for our family. Once she was gone, my father was uncontrollable. She was the anchor to his insanity, and when she was out of the picture, it all fell apart. None of us, as individuals, can be blamed for the mental breakdowns her death caused.”

  “You may understand that, I may understand that, hell Landon may even understand that, but he can’t fully embrace that.” Krista frowned. “I’ve lost him. There is nothing I can do to heal him.”

  “Yes, there is. You can love him, stand by him, and be patient. That’s some of the sacrificing I was talking about. I still have issues over my past. Brady has been a saint about it. Hell, I’ve been a saint about not bitching about picking his dirty clothes off of the floor every damn day, too.” She grinned. “I wouldn’t have it any other way. Anyway, Landon will come around, but you have to love him enough to wait for it.”

  “How long am I supposed to wait? It’s been over a year, and once we were finally together, it was the most amazing, breathtaking experience of my life. I know he is my other half. It hurts that he pushes me away time and again. The constant rejection is painful.”

  Nyssa reached for Krista’s hands. “I see the way he looks at you. Landon loves you, and he is the type of man who will love you, and only you, forever. Whatever he is going through, don’t forget that.” Nyssa let out a puff of air that blew her bangs to the side of her forehead. “Promise me something? Just one thing as my new sister?”

  “Using the sister card already? That hardly seems fair.” Krista grinned. “Sounds like something I would do. What do you want?”

  “Promise me that you won’t give up on Landon just yet. I know it’s hard, but trust me. Give him a little more time to come around. Please.”

  “I don’t know what good it will do, but I’ll try.”

  “Be there for him. Whether you believe it or not, he needs you.” Nyssa hugged her and made her way across the room.

  “Hope you’re right, or my heart will never recover,” Krista whispered under her breath before heading for her bedroom.

  * * * *

  “What is it, Nyssa?” Landon asked. “Is something wrong?”

  Nyssa turned to her brother and happiness settled in her heart. Her brother. She never thought she’d see him or any of her siblings again, yet here they were. She took a deep breath of the clean night air, and leaned against the railing on the porch.

  “You’re going to lose her.”

  He frowned. “Who?”

  “You know damn well who. She loves you, but you have to stop pushing her away.”

  He leaned against a wood support post, crossed his arms over his chest, and stared out into the night. “I can’t be with her.”

  “You said you love her. Is it true? Do you?”

  “Doesn’t matter,” Landon whispered.

  “Answer me, brother. Do you love her?”

  “More than life itself.”

  “Then explain to me why you can’t be with her,” Nyssa said.

  “I don’t know how to be in a relationship,” he said after a moment of silence.

  “Bullshit. Try again.”

  “Fine. You want to do this?”

  “Yes!” she yelled. “I do.”

  He turned to her, stared into her eyes, and her heart squeezed again. Her brother. Her family. Why couldn’t they all be happy now and let go of the past?

  “I cannot be with her because I can’t stand the thought of disappointing her the way I did you. I made bad choices that cost the people I love most years of pain. What if I do that to her?”

  “Mother’s death hit all of us hard. It blinded us to the truth and to the bullshit others were feeding us. It took away our logic, at that time, to realize that our little family was not as amazing as we thought. Our father was a damned, selfish lunatic that only mother had any hope of controlling. None of us could have realized the impact her death would have on us, not just as individuals, but as a unit. She was the glue, and when she died the pieces were ripped apart. Those pieces were damaged and will never fit together again as they once did.”

  Landon clenched his fist, and tears gathered in his eyes. “No. The pieces won’t fit.”

  “No,” she whispered. “That’s where you’re wrong. I said they will never fit the way they fit before, but they still fit. Over the years they’ve been shaped by new experiences and new understanding of things. That puzzle fits together perfectly with newly formed pieces. We are those pieces. Me, you, Dylan, Thomas, Garrett, Brady, and Krista.”

  “I don’t know if I can ever forgive myself for abandoning you,” he said.

  She reached up and caught a lone tear before it slipped down his cheek. “I have forgiven you. If I can forgive you, why can’t you forgive yourself?”

  “You say that, but have you truly forgiven me? I don’t see how.”

  She smiled up at him. “The answer is, yes. I can and have. And the how is because I love you, brother.”

  “What about Brady? He hates me. He’ll never approve of me and Krista being together.”

  Nyssa shrugged. “Brady will come around. Brady is a fair man, and if he sees that Krista and you truly love one another, he’ll come to accept that. However, at the moment, I can’t blame him for being upset. He now knows there is something between the two of you, but you’ve turned your back on his sister.”

  “Son of a bitch. I’ve done to her exactly what I did to you.”

  Nyssa raised a brow at him. “What are you going to do about it?”

  “For now? Leave.”

  “Leave?”

  Landon smiled down at Nyssa then drew her in for a big, brotherly bear hug before kissing the top of her head. “Trust me, sister.”

  “I do.” She placed her hand on his forearm. “Are you going to tell Krista?”

  He shook his head. “I’ll only be gone a short while. Once I return, I’ll explain everything, and I hope she’ll forgive me then.”

  “She will. She loves you.”

  “I hope you’re right. I’ve hurt her, and I wouldn’t blame her for moving on,” he said.

  “She will not move on. You are her other half, and she’ll wait for you. Just don’t make her wait too long. Remember, the longer you make her wait, the longer she will punish you for it.” Nyssa laughed.

  “I have no doubt of that, and I’ll take my well-deserved punishment.” He kissed Nyssa on the cheek. “I’ll see you soon, sister.”

  “Be careful,” she said, as he walked away.

  * * * *

  Later that night, bag over his shoulder, Landon stood, staring at the house. Nyssa was the only one who knew he was leaving. Right now all he wanted was to go inside and promise Krista that once he returned, he planned to do everything in his power to make her his...forever.

  He wanted to explain to her why he had to do what he was about to do, but she’d barely look at him, much less speak to him. And he di
dn’t want to create even more tension between them before leaving. Yeah, because she won’t be upset at all when she finds out you’ve left in the middle of the night without saying a word.

  Taking a deep breath, he turned and started for the woods. This was something he had to do, something he had to take care of to finally heal himself and be free to give Krista everything she deserved...a loving man who would die for her, who would love her with every ounce of his being, who would cherish and protect her. A man without any major hang-ups from the past screwing things up every time she turned around.

  He needed her. Sighing, he disappeared into the darkness, wondering if she realized how much she meant to him. Of course she doesn’t, because you’ve never really shown her. Fuck if he hadn’t messed things up between them. But he was at a standstill. He couldn’t keep his hands off her, live his life without her any longer, nor could he turn his back and walk away from her.

  That left one choice. Deal with guilt, put the past behind him once and for all, and dedicate the rest of the future to Krista. He’d do his best to make up for the crap he’d put her through and prayed that she’d find it in her heart to forgive him and take him back.

  And if she doesn’t? No. That was not an option. He’d never give up on her.

  * * * *

  One month later...

  Krista struggled through the near knee-deep snow. For Montana, the winter had been somewhat mild...until now. The snow and cold had come in hard and fast and didn’t show signs of letting up anytime soon.

  The workers managed to build one secure enclosure and the supply shed before the weather had delayed further progress. Two days ago, she’d gotten her first resident. A young tiger that had been bought on a whim and now was too much for his former owner to handle.

  She whistled softly as she approached the pen, and the tiger, Sam, chuffed at her. He was friendly, but she had plans to eventually relocate Sam to a protected wild animal sanctuary, and wanted him to revert to his wild instincts as much as possible. While she’d hired an expert in exotic animals named Ryan, and he’d given her minimal basic training, she was not yet ready to take care of the animals on her own.

  Unfortunately, Ryan was stranded by the storm and couldn’t make it back for a couple of days. “That leaves you and me, Sam,” she said to the beautiful cat with golden green eyes staring at her through the fence.

  Sam lowered his head and growled, and she smiled. “I know you don’t like being in there. I hope to remedy that soon, big boy. Until then, I’ll do my best to make you happy.”

  “Or maybe he just doesn’t like me.”

  She spun around, and Landon’s strong arm shot out to steady her before she fell into the deep snow.

  “Landon!” she croaked. Her heart soared, then just as quickly, anger set in. He’d left without a single word nearly a month ago. “Decided to come back, huh? How noble of you.”

  She pulled her arm from his grasp and headed for the supply shed. Thankful that the shed was heated, she shook the extra snow off her legs as best she could before entering, and Landon followed her inside.

  “I’m sorry for leaving the way I did. Believe it or not, I had a good reason,” he said.

  She laughed. “I’m sure you did. You always have a good reason for everything.” She turned and stared up at him, making sure he understood that she was angry. “For us not being together. For making love. For pretending as though we didn’t make love. For not telling my brother about us. For leaving without even so much as a goodbye.” She sucked in a deep breath.

  “Feel better?”

  “Yes! No. Not really. You’re an ass. I hate you.” She turned her back to him and began preparing Sam’s meal, a huge slab of raw meat. When Landon’s hand rested on her shoulder, she paused and closed her eyes, remembering how much she missed his touch.

  “I’m sorry. And I hope you’ll forgive me for all of that one day. There was something I had to do, sugar.”

  The warmth of his fingers seeped into her body, and she fought the urge to lean against him. “I hope it was worth it.” She gritted her teeth, shook his hand from her shoulder, and struggled to pick up the hunk of meat.

  “I’ll help.” He took the meat from her as though it weighed nothing, and she glared at him.

  She was strong, but nothing compared to Landon, and the way he did things she struggled with, with little to no effort, irked her.

  They took care of Sam in silence, probably because at this point she had no idea what to say. Had he come back for her? “Are you staying?”

  Even if he had come back for her, would she take him back? She’d thought long and hard after Landon left. While it was true she’d love him forever, she wasn’t sure she’d be able to open her heart up to him again after the way he’d shattered it.

  “I’ll answer all of your questions later. I’ve asked everyone to gather at Brady’s tonight,” he said.

  “I guess I’ll see you later then.” She was so confused right now, she didn’t even know how to act or what to say. “I have some things to do here before I go back.” There was a small bedroom in the supply shed that she had stayed in a few times, but technically, she still lived at Brady’s.

  She couldn’t wait until construction on her home started, but that would wait until everything else at KCS—Krista’s Cat Sanctuary—was complete. The animals were her number one priority, and it wasn’t as though she was homeless.

  Chapter Ten

  Landon glanced at the faces gathered in the living room of Brady’s home—Nyssa, Brady, Garrett, Dylan, Thomas, and Krista. Everyone important to him stood, staring expectantly at him. He wasn’t good at talking. Never had been, but this was one time it was necessary, and one time he needed to say things to the people he loved.

  “First of all, I’d like to say that I’m sorry for leaving the way I did,” he said.

  Brady growled and Nyssa elbowed him in the ribs. Scowling, he crossed his arms over his chest and glared daggers at Landon.

  Off to a wonderful start. “I didn’t mean to worry or hurt anyone,” he directed his gaze to Krista. “But I had something I needed to do.”

  He walked to the middle of the room and rested his hand upon the matte onyx urn he set on the coffee table before they gathered. Taking a deep breath, he continued.

  “Mother’s death was very hard on my family. She was the glue that held my father’s sanity intact. She brought more joy and love to us than one would think possible. When she died, the seam to our happiness split up the middle. I cannot speak for my siblings, other than I know the pain you all experienced—still experience—over her loss. However, I can say that her death festered inside me and ate away at all the goodness I saw in the world.”

  “Landon...” Nyssa whispered.

  “It’s okay. I have to do this,” he said. He waited for his sister to nod before forging on. “I let my sister down in a way that should never be forgiven, however, she did just that. Forgave me...even when I couldn’t forgive myself.” Landon took a deep breath. “When we found Nyssa over ten years later on the run from a man we thought she had run off with willingly, not only did I realize how much I had betrayed my sister, but also that our mother had been murdered.”

  Dylan rubbed at the bridge of his nose while Garrett and Thomas remained stoically quiet, tears gleamed in Nyssa and Krista’s eyes, and Brady continued to scowl at him. Although he wasn’t certain, Landon thought the scowl was softening.

  “Once I found out my mother had been murdered, the wound caused by her death was ripped open. Any healing was undone, and in ways, made the pain worse. The guilt was overwhelming. Not only had I let my sister down, but I had also let my mother down. I wasn’t there for the two women who mean the most to me when they needed me. Then I met Krista.” He looked at her.

  Krista sucked in a quick breath and sniffled.

  “I’ve loved you since the moment I laid eyes on you, but I was too damn ensnared by my guilt and what our being together might do to my fami
ly to do anything about it. When we went on that trip, and we finally acknowledged the chemistry between us, I was blown away. Once things went to shit, I realized that I had done the exact same thing to yet another woman I loved more than life itself.”

  “Landon,” Krista whispered.

  Dylan rolled his eyes and groaned.

  “I’m sorry I hurt you. He directed his gaze back to everyone else. “I knew I had to deal with my past if I wanted to be with Krista.” He looked down at the black urn. “That is why I had to leave, find mother’s body, and bring her back here. I wanted to have a ceremony for her, something we never really had the opportunity to do, and give all of us the chance to say goodbye together.”

  Nyssa sobbed, ran to Landon, and embraced him. “This is the most wonderful thing ever, brother. We can set her free, here with us, and she can be at peace. Thank you.”

  Dylan, Thomas, and Garrett all gathered around him and hugged him one by one, thanking him. Once things settled down, Landon cleared his throat.

  “Now that I have brought my mother home to all of us and thought long and hard about my mistakes, I’ve come to terms with my past. My sister chose to forgive me, and we are all here. I cannot allow my guilt to take away from that precious gift, nor can I allow it to ruin the chance to spend the rest of my life with the woman I love.” He looked at Krista. “I love you. More than anything.” He smiled at her before turning his gaze to Brady. “And whether you like it or not, I consider you a brother now. I love your sister, and if you want to kick my ass every day from now on, so be it. But be warned that from this day on, I will fight back, and no matter what you do, I still love your sister and will be with her, if she’ll have me.”

  After a few silent, intense moments, Brady’s frame relaxed and he blew out a long sigh. “If my sister chooses to be with you, if you are what truly makes her happy, then I will accept that. But if you hurt her again, I will rip you a new one.”

  “If I hurt her again, I’ll rip myself a new one,” Landon said.