by Sky Corgan
“It's not,” I interject.
“I know that you would feel guilty for abandoning Alex again. You feel like you owe him something for being there for you for all of those years. It has been years since you've seen each other, though. He's had time to heal from a lot of his wounds just as you have. And you've already given him the closure that he needs to fully move on by apologizing.
“It may sound cruel, but everyone comes into our lives for a reason and those who leave, leave for a reason. Friendships and crushes run their course. I know it's sad sometimes, but that's just the way of life. Some relationships are better off buried. And some relationships bury other relationships. I can't make the choice for you, but I think it's better if you just let this one go.”
I glance down at the clock and sigh. My appointment is officially over.
I thank April for her advice and pay her, not feeling much better when I log off of the website. While I know her advice was solid, I still feel conflicted. I realize that my thoughts about not being good enough for Colton are unmerited, but when I think about where I came from, I still can't help but feel them. The fact is, he could do much better than me. Find someone with a good earning career. Someone with less baggage. Someone who can give themselves to him freely night after night without the threat of things triggering memories of sexual abuse. Someone who is happy all the time and well-rounded. I'm not those things. I was working towards becoming them, but a wrench has been thrown into the cogs, and I'm not sure how to get it unstuck. Right now, I just feel like everything is on the verge of blowing up, and I don't want Colton there when it happens.
After I shut off my computer, I stare at the blank screen for several minutes processing everything that has gone on lately. Thinking about how I acted last night makes me cringe. I was, as I told April, very disconnected from Colton. There were times when I tried to force it, like when we were having sex in the limo, but for the most part, I just wasn't there with him. The night faded in and out of happiness and misery for me. The rare moments I was able to focus on nothing but him, I was the most content person in the world. But thoughts of my troubles were never far behind, and I just couldn't keep my mood consistent.
The fact that we didn't have sex when we got back to Colton's loft only compounded my stress. It made me feel like I had turned him off. Even though I really didn't want to have sex, part of me felt like I owed it to him. Owed it to him for the expensive dinner and the limo ride and the champagne and just him being perfect. If he had pressed for it, I would have given in. He didn't press for it, though. He just held me—continued to be everything I needed him to be. And again, it made me think that he deserves so much better—that if I can't be better for him, then I need to let him go.
I push myself away from my desk and head into the bathroom to take a nice long bath. Soaking in the water doesn't do much to relieve my tension. Crying helps a lot more. Thankfully, I don't break out into full sobs. I just sit there with my arms wrapped around myself as the tears spill down my cheeks, wondering what I can possibly do to pull myself out of this funk and get back to the person I was before Alex came. The more I think about it, the more I hate that he showed up at my door. Why did he have to track me down? Why couldn't he have just left me alone?
As I'm crawling out of the bathtub, the doorbell rings. I groan audibly while I quickly towel myself off and pull on my robe.
I glance out of the peephole, and my heart drops straight to my feet. Alex is standing on the other side, and it looks like he's holding something. I stand on my tiptoes to try to see what it is, but I can't look down that far.
This is the last thing I need, but I don't even hesitate to unbolt the latch and open the door to him. His mouth falls agape when he sees me wearing only a robe, but he quickly recovers, holding a pizza box up to me. There's a DVD sitting on top. It looks to be some cheesy comedy.
“Alex. What a surprise.” I thought about adding pleasant to that sentence but then caught myself. It's not a pleasant surprise. While I know he's trying to be nice, this is exactly what I should be avoiding.
“Surprise, indeed. Sorry, my timing was off.” His eyes flit from my cleavage to my face, and I swear I see his cheeks brighten with color.
“You're not a mind reader.” My tone is strained. I wonder if he can tell how uncomfortable I am.
“I brought pizza.” He lifts the box up.
“And a movie.”
“And a movie.” He glances around the inside of my apartment as if searching for someone. “May I come in?”
“Sure.” I sigh inwardly as I step aside to let him in.
He takes the pizza straight back to my kitchen and makes himself at home going through my cabinets to find plates.
“I'm going to go change,” I tell him before returning to the bathroom.
It's not until I get there that I realize how rapidly my pulse is beating. I can almost feel the blood pumping through my veins. Even though I know Alex is not my enemy, I feel trapped. It's not like I could have refused his generosity—told him to take his pizza and movie and get out of my life forever. That would have been rude and cruel.
I have to allow myself this last time with him. After he leaves tonight, my obligation will be fulfilled. We don't have to see each other again.
I slip on a pair of boxer shorts and a tank top, just wanting to be comfortable. When I walk back into the kitchen, Alex is leaning against the counter. The pizza box is open, but there are no plates sitting out.
“You don't have paper plates.” He quirks an eyebrow at me.
“I know I don't.” I reach past him to open one of the cabinets and pull out two ceramic plates.
“Why don't you have paper plates?” He stares at me like I'm an oddity.
“Because they're wasteful.” I shove a plate into his hand before grabbing a slice of pizza to put on mine. It appears to be of the supreme variety. My mouth waters just looking at it.
“They're convenient,” he grumbles before following suit.
“If you want something to drink, all I have is water from the sink.”
Alex scrunches up his nose. “I think I'll pass.”
“Suit yourself.” I shrug before getting myself a glass of water.
We head into the living room, and I take the DVD he brought and slip it into my DVD player. Then I sit on the sofa beside him to eat while the movie starts. More than anything, I just want to get this visit over with so that he'll leave. The longer I spend with Alex, the more I realize that April was right. Being around him isn't healthy for me.
The movie is absolutely horrible. It's the kind of comedy that Alex has always enjoyed, the type where the main characters are bumbling idiots put into a scenario that is in no way realistically possible. Through perseverance and crazy antics, they eventually accomplish their goal. The moron gets the girl, and everything has a happily ever after.
During the movie, Alex sets his plate down and lounges his arm across the back of the sofa. My spine instantly straightens to avoid him touching me. It's such an odd thing for him to do, and my mind immediately jumps to conclusions, though I try to tell myself that it's all in my head. Again, he's trying to recreate our past. We were comfortable like this three years ago. I wouldn't have had a second thought if he wanted to cuddle with me. Now, the idea of him touching me puts me on pins and needles.
I'm never happier than when the movie ends and the credits start rolling.
“What did you think?” he asks.
“Do you want me to be honest or lie to you?”
“You hated it, didn't you?” he chuckles.
“You knew I would.”
“I didn't know.” He shakes his head. “I had secretly hoped that maybe your taste in movies had changed with everything else.”
“Some things don't change that quickly.”
He exhales deeply, smiling at me. “Damn, how I've missed this.”
Hearing that makes me uncomfortable. I've missed this too, but I dare not say it. That wou
ld make me feel things, and I don't want to feel things for him.
“It's been a while.” I nod slowly, my voice infused with all of the tension that I feel.
“I want more of this before I leave. More of me and you and...just this.” He glances around my apartment.
I squirm a little. “I'm not sure that's such a good idea.”
“Why not?”
“Do you know I've been going to therapy almost since I got here?”
“I didn't know that...because you never kept in contact.”
Here comes the guilt trip again.
“I apologized for that already,” I sigh.
“I know. It's just going to take a while for me to let it go.” His gaze falls to his lap.
“Listen, Alex. My therapist doesn't think it's a good idea for me to be seeing you.” I come out with the truth. It's the only thing I can think of to make him understand.
“And what do you want?” His eyes meet mine with such an intensity that I'm taken aback.
“I don't know what I want. But I do know that I don't like the feelings that come with seeing you again. I'm not saying that to be mean. It's just...”
“I get it.” He stands abruptly, suddenly defensive. “I'm a bad memory to you.”
“That's not it at all.” I look up at him but refuse to chase after him.
“Then what is it, Ember? I went out of my way to come find you because I wanted to see you again. Had I known you didn't want to see me, I wouldn't have come.”
“It's hard to explain.”
“Try. Because what I'm getting right now is that you don't think any better of me than you do of your brother.”
“Alex, that's not fair.”
“Nothing in life is.” He turns his head away from me, scowling.
“Sit.” I pat the spot beside me. Reluctantly, he does. “I don't want this to end on an argument.”
“We're not arguing.”
I take a deep breath, not knowing if what I'm about to disclose to him is the right thing to say.
“I'm going to speak, and I just want you to listen, okay? No talking until I'm done.”
“Fine.” He crosses his arms over his chest.
I can't even look at him. “When we were growing up, I always had a crush on you. I think it's because you were always there for me. I mean, you were the only guy I hung around that wasn't horrible to me.
“I kind of idolized you. Wanted the life that you had. I know it wasn't perfect, but it was so much better than mine. If I could have been around you all of the time, I would have.
“I never told you how I felt for a variety of reasons. Most importantly, I was worried about losing you as a friend. Also, I knew that my feelings were unrequited, so there really wasn't a point. But I also didn't feel worthy of you. Most days, I felt blessed just to be your friend, that you knew all of the bad shit in my life and yet you never tried to push me away. A lot of supposed friends did as soon as they found out about the squalor that I lived in. Not you, though. They saw me as trash. You saw me as just a person.
“But I still felt like trash. I felt so unworthy. And after Nelson sold me off...” I shake my head. “I didn't feel good enough for anyone.
“That didn't begin to change until I moved here and established a life and started going to therapy. Slowly, I began rebuilding myself. Not just my life, but my self-worth. I met a wonderful man, and we started dating.
“I pushed all of those self-loathing thoughts to the back of my mind. When I was with him, I never felt like that. Sure, somewhere deep inside I knew we weren't on the same level, but I didn't let it bother me.
“Seeing you again reminded me of who I used to be, though. It made me compare my life to his. He has baggage too, but it's nothing like mine. He's wealthy and grounded and...sane,” I let out a bitter laugh.
“Again, I find myself thinking that maybe I'm not good enough. That he deserves better than me. That anyone would deserve better than me.”
Alex reaches over to take my hands in his, drawing my attention to his face. “You know that's not true. You are a wonderful person, Ember. Even back then when you were going through all of that shit, you were always a good person. You didn't let your parents or your brothers drag you into their drama.”
“I was scared of their drama,” I admit. “I saw firsthand what drugs and alcohol can do to a person. I never wanted to be involved in any of that.”
“And that's why I liked you so much. That's why I wanted to be around you. You never fell prey to peer pressure. Sure, you ended up in horrible situations that you couldn't get out of, but you never let them change you here.” He touches my chest over my heart with the tip of his finger.
A soft smile creeps across my lips. It's as if the physical contact has caused warmth to flow through me, healing all of the wounds that my words have caused me. “I never wanted to be them. I was terrified of turning out like them.”
“You didn't turn out like them. You turned into you. And that's one of the best people I've ever met. Don't ever think you're unworthy of anyone. Most people who went through what you went through would have been dragged down with the rest. You're a strong person. Strong and smart and beautiful.
“And wrong.” His eyes turn glassy. It's a strange thing to see. Like he's about to start crying.
“Wrong?” I parrot, confused.
“I loved you back then, Ember. I loved you so much that I thought you leaving was going to kill me.”
My hands begin to tremble as his confession sinks in. The pain in his eyes tells me that he's being completely sincere. When I left, I broke his heart.
“Alex, I—”
The doorbell rings, cutting off my sentence. For a second, I'm paralyzed, just staring at him. This new revelation has shocked me to the core. I left behind the best thing I ever had. Things could have been so different if I had just asked Alex to come with me. We might even be married now, for all I know.
It's not until the doorbell rings a second time that I'm able to pull myself off of the sofa to answer it. My legs feel like spaghetti noodles as the weight of the situation makes me all kinds of unstable. I'm so busy trying to plan what I'm going to say next that I don't even glance out the peephole before I open the door.
The sickening feeling when I find Colton standing on the other side of it gnaws at my heart like it might snap in two. He's holding a bottle of wine in one hand and a bouquet of flowers in the other. The charming smile he's giving me would typically melt my heart. At that moment, though, he looks just like any other man. Any desire that I could have for him is tempered with panic.
“Colton,” I practically cough out his name.
He sniffs the air. “Smells like pizza. Seems like you started eating without me.”
I block the door when he tries to step in. “I have company.”
“Company?” He gives me a queer look.
To make matters worse, Alex appears in my peripheral vision. For a second, I feel doomed. There's no way this could possibly go well.
“Hi. Judging by the flowers, you must be the boyfriend.” Alex gazes down at the gifts that Colton brought me. “I'm Alex, Ember's friend from a few years back.”
“Friend from a few years back,” Colton repeats slowly as if his memory of everything we've talked about has been completely erased. Then it hits him. “Oh, the one that's here on business with her brother.”
“One in the same.” Alex smiles pleasantly. “Anyway, I was just leaving. Sorry if you guys had dinner plans or something. I might have ruined them by bringing the pizza. There's still some left if you're hungry, though.” He gestures towards the kitchen.
“Thanks.” A muscle in Colton's jaw twitches. If he's trying to hide that he's not happy, he's not doing a very good job of it.
Alex pulls his wallet out of his pocket and hands me a card. “If you change your mind about wanting to see your brother, there's the hotel we're staying at. We're rooming together, but I can always step out to give you some spac
e. The room number is on the card.” He points at it.
“Thanks.” I curl my fingers around the card, impressed at how well he's playing off what just happened.
Alex steps around Colton. I can see the silent battle of dominance going on between them as Colton refuses to give Alex space. There's no doubt which one of them is the alpha male.
Once Alex is out of sight, I expect the tension to dissipate between Colton and I but it doesn't. There's no kindness in his eyes as he gazes down at me. It's as if he feels betrayed. And maybe I have betrayed him in some way. Betrayed both him and myself into thinking that I have no feelings left for Alex.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
COLTON
How many shades of green can jealousy be? Because I'm seeing them all.
The way that Ember reacted when she opened the door to me tells me that this Alex guy isn't just a friend. There was definitely panic on her face when she saw me standing there. She's still panicking, and she's not doing a good job of covering it up.
I hope I'm just overanalyzing things. I need to give her the benefit of the doubt, that perhaps something shook her before I got here. That her reaction isn't purely based on the fact that I caught her with another man.
Caught her with another man. The implication of those words makes me want to drop the wine and flowers and run after the guy to kick his ass.
“You never told me your friend was a guy,” I can't hide the disdain in my voice.
“I didn't think it mattered.” She immediately goes on the defense, crossing her arms over her chest.
“There's nothing going on between you, is there?” I glance in the direction that he went.
“I'm not a cheater, Colton, if that's what you're getting at.” She glares at me.
“That wasn't the question.”
“There's nothing going on between us.” She shakes her head, and I try to believe her. Try to let down my guard.
“Then there's nothing for me to worry about.” I exhale, allowing the tension to leave me with my breath. If I hold onto this, it will ruin my night. Trust is a two-way street. If Ember says that nothing is going on between them, then I have to believe her. “May I come in?”
