by Sky Corgan
“Of course.”
I hand her the flowers before walking past her to take the wine to the kitchen. She follows suit, looking over the flowers as she walks. It's a less impressive bouquet than I'd usually send her, something that I picked up on a quick trip to the grocery store. This visit was completely spontaneous. I just missed her so damn much that I decided I needed to see her again. It looks like I should have been less selfish and texted first.
“Sorry if I interrupted hanging out with your friend.” I glance toward the door, trying to sound like I mean it.
“It's fine.” She sighs, pulling a vase out from beneath the sink. “It was a blessing that you showed up, to be honest.”
“Why is that?” I dig through the drawers in her kitchen for a corkscrew.
A twinge of discomfort attacks my chest, and I feel aggression bubbling beneath the surface from my possessiveness over her. I can't help but think that she's going to say something about him hitting on her. If she does, I'll be out that door in an instant to track him down.
“Because we always just talk about the past and it makes me a bit uncomfortable.” She holds the vase under the faucet to fill it halfway with water.
My nerves calm slightly. Get your shit together, Larsen.
“Well, I'm glad I came too, then.” I push the corkscrew into the top of the bottle and begin to uncork it.
“Why are you here anyway?” She quirks an eyebrow at me. Despite her words, she doesn't really sound happy to see me.
“Because I missed you.” I pop the cork out of the bottle and rummage through the cabinets for two wine glasses.
“We just saw each other this morning.”
“I told you I can't get enough of you. Are you starting to get burnt out from my company?” I smirk while I pour the wine.
“No.”
“You don't sound very convincing.”
“What could I do to convince you?” She turns to me.
“I can think of a few things.” I offer her a glass.
“Of course, you could. We didn't have sex last night.”
“Or this morning.” I clink my glass against hers.
“Or this morning.” She rolls her eyes. “So I bet you're jonesing for it.”
“Maybe just a little.” I wrinkle my nose before taking a sip.
“I knew that's why you came.” She tugs on the front of my shirt.
As I look down, I can see her nipples beaded beneath the fabric of her tank top. It's good to know that she's not repulsed by my presence. Maybe things are okay with us after all.
I wrap my arm around her waist and draw her against me before kissing her forehead. “I came because I like spending time with you. It doesn't matter to me if we have sex or not.”
“Good, because I'm not really in the mood tonight.” She puts her hand on my chest but doesn't push me away.
While I am disappointed, I know that she's going through a lot. The fact that Alex was just here talking about her past probably took the wind out of her sails. I know first hand that dwelling on bad memories can kill a person's sex drive.
“Tonight is all about you, Ember. I am your humble servant.”
She giggles. “Humble servant, huh? That sounds kind of kinky.”
“It can be if you want it to be.”
“We'll see.”
It doesn't lead to anything kinky. For the vast majority of the evening, we sit on the sofa and watch Netflix. Conversation is sparse. Ember looks lost in thought, and I can't help but worry that I'm losing her. This distance between us is driving me mad, but I can't force her to want to be closer to me. If it's meant to be, things will work themselves out in good time.
Before bed, I give her a back and foot massage. Once we finish off the bottle of wine, she seems a lot more relaxed. As I knead her muscles beneath my fingertips, I run into more than a handful of knots.
“How long has it been since you've had a massage?” I ask.
“Never.”
“What do you mean never?” I raise an eyebrow.
“It's a waste of money.”
“Does it feel like a waste of money to you?”
“It feels good, but I wouldn't spend money on it.”
“What if I spent money on it for you?” I lean over and kiss her between the shoulder blades.
“I wouldn't ask you to do that for me.”
“You don't have to ask. I'm telling you that I'm going to do it for you. It will probably help while you're going through this stressful time with your brother.”
She turns, urging me to climb off of her. When she looks up at me, I can't place her expression. It's just blank.
“I appreciate the offer, but I'd rather pass.”
“Why?”
“Because it makes me uncomfortable that you do all of these things for me, and I can't do anything for you in return.”
“Your company is enough for me, Ember.” I take her hand and pull her into a sitting position.
“I know that, and I understand that you have good intentions, but I can't change the way I feel.”
“Have you tried?”
“Have you tried to understand the way I feel?”
I smile at her. “One of the things that I love about you is that you don't want my money. It tells me that your feelings for me are genuine. That you're not with me because of what I can buy you.”
That seems to soften her a little. She scoots closer to me and rests her head against my chest. “It's true. I'm with you because you're the most tenaciously sweet pervert that I've ever met.”
“Is that so?” I bring her hand up to my lips to kiss her fingertips.
“That's so. I'm so lucky to have met you.” Even though she sounds sincere, there's a twinge of sadness to her tone.
***
Staying true to my word, we don't have sex that night either. I lie in her bed and hold her, stroking her hair in the darkness until she's fast asleep in my arms. The morning is met with the same awkwardness as the night before. We eat sugary cereal together and then I leave to let Ember get ready for work.
I'm a mess before I even get back to my house to change, my thoughts completely consumed by my interactions with Ember for these past few days. I know that she's pushing me away. I can feel it. And it hurts more than I ever imagined it could. Even worse because I can't figure out what I did wrong. If I keep seeing her, I might need to go to therapy too. The girl is tearing me apart with her hot and cold moods.
I spend a good portion of the day reading articles online about dating sexual abuse survivors, how people cope with sexual abuse and anything else that might give me some insight into how Ember is feeling. From what I'm reading, it seems like I'm doing everything right. The only thing left to do is give her space.
So I decide to do just that. I give her space. No phone calls. No texting. No surprise visits.
Monday comes and goes, and I don't hear a single peep from Ember. My urge to text her is great, but I stay true to my resolve. Tuesday passes as well without contact from her. I find myself looking at my phone like an obsessed freak. Every time I don't see her name whenever I get a new text, my heart aches. By Wednesday, I've had enough.
If she's going to cast me aside, then I at least deserve an explanation. I need to know what I did wrong.
There are no flowers when I show up on her doorstep Wednesday night. No bottle of wine to take the edge off. She doesn't want anything from me, and so I don't bring anything. Just me.
I ring the doorbell and stand there, trying to temper my anger and frustration. It's not like me to lash out, and I refuse to do it. At the forefront of my mind, I tell myself that there are a thousand reasons why I haven't heard from her these past few days. Jumping to conclusions and launching into an argument is not going to help me keep her.
It feels like an eternity waiting for her to come to the door. For several moments, I worry that she might not open it. That would definitely mean that she's done with me. Her car was parked in the complex parki
ng lot, so I know she's home. If she's purposely avoiding me, then there's no point in me pursuing her any further.
Thankfully, she does open the door, though it's only a crack. She peeks out at me with bags under her eyes. Her hair is an unruly mess, but she's still beautiful. When she sniffles, relief rushes through me followed by concern.
“Colton?” It sounds more like a question than my name.
“I just came by to check on you. Are you alright?” I tilt my head to get a better look at her.
“I'm sick.” She sniffles again.
“Then I guess it's a good thing I got my cootie shot this year.” I smile.
“I don't think I'm contagious. It's just a really bad cold.”
The nasally sound of her voice is confirmation that she's not lying. When she opens the door the rest of the way, I can see that her cheeks are pink, and her neck is a bit swollen.
“When I didn't hear from you, I thought you had died,” I tease. “You should have told me you were sick. I would have come taken care of you.”
“I didn't want to be a bother. Come in.” She steps aside for me to enter.
“You're never a bother.” I walk into the living room. There's a box of tissues sitting on her coffee table and a trash can next to the sofa filled almost to the top with crumpled tissues.
“Can I get you anything?” she asks as I take a seat.
“I should be asking you that.”
“I'm fine. It will pass in a few days. It's pretty normal for me to get a sinus infection once a year. It's been happening to me ever since I moved to Houston.” She sinks back into the couch beside me, keeping her gaze fixed on the television.
Tension quickly builds between us. She seems like she doesn't want company, and I doubt it has anything to do with her being sick.
“How have things been going with you otherwise?” I try to relax, well knowing that I'm not going anywhere until I get the answers that I came for.
“Nothing new to report, thank God.”
“Nothing at all.” I stare straight at her.
“Nothing at all.” She shakes her head.
“Nothing new with us?” I bend slightly to catch her attention.
She still refuses to look at me. “Nothing new with us.”
I sigh, tired of playing games. “You haven't spoken to me in days, Ember.”
She casts a sideways glance at me. “And you haven't texted me.”
“Do I always have to text you first?”
She drags her tongue across her bottom lip, thinking. “No. You don't.”
“So you've purposely been avoiding me?”
“Colton, I'm going through a lot right now.”
“I realize that, but it's no reason to shut me out.”
“I know.”
“If you want me to go away, I will. If you want things to be over between us, just say the word. Know that I don't want to lose you, though. It's not what I want. But I suppose that doesn't matter right now.” My eyes fall to the carpet. “What do you want, Ember?”
Silence fills the room like a noxious gas. It strangles me, makes me feel like the second she speaks my heart may shatter into a million pieces.
“I don't know.” She draws her knees up to her chest and hugs her legs.
“If I did something wrong, let me know. I'll try to fix it.”
“You haven't done anything wrong, Colton. It's me, not you. You've been nothing but perfect.”
“Don't you like me anymore?” I realize how pathetic it sounds, but I'm desperately searching for any kind of a real answer.
She lets out a short laugh, turning to me finally. “Of course, I like you. You're everything that any girl could ever want.”
“Then what is it? Why don't you want me? Because I don't want any other girl. I want you.”
Ember rakes her fingers through her hair, looking stressed. “Like I said, I'm going through a lot right now. It might not be the best time for me to date.”
“You were fine until you heard about your brother being in town. That changed something in you.”
“I know. And now I'm not fine. I don't know how to explain it.”
I lean back against the sofa, staring at the same place she was before. “You know what I think? I think you're so used to dealing with your problems alone that you don't know how to cope with having someone else thrown into the mix that cares about you. I think that you feel like you need to carry the weight of everything that happened to you—everything that is happening to you—on your own.
“If that's what you want—what you truly want—then fine. But know that you don't have to carry that weight on your own. You probably think that it's a burden to me, but it's not. I want to help you carry that weight. I want to be with you when you get over this hurdle. I've seen the girl who can smile and laugh and doesn't take shit from anyone. I know that she's gone for right now because she's in a vulnerable place, but I want to be here when she comes back. I want to be a part of what makes her come back.”
When I look over at Ember again, her eyes are closed, and there are tears streaming down her cheeks. I take her face in my hands, forcing her to look at me. “I want you, Ember. I want to be with you. Through the good and the bad. The ups and the downs. Please don't push me away because you're scared. If there's any other reason, I'll understand. But don't let this—your past—be our undoing.”
“Okay,” her voice is barely a whisper.
“Okay?” My eyes dance over her face, soaking in her pain and wishing that I could absorb it.
“I'm sorry I was avoiding you.” She breaks into sobs, leaning into me.
The admission that she was avoiding me hurts, but I feel like we've made a breakthrough. Maybe the pain is over for both of us now.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
EMBER
Lying in Colton's arms, I sleep better than I have in a while. A few days apart from him didn't bring anywhere near as much clarity to my situation as seeing him last night did. When I looked into his eyes, I saw nothing but love, and I quickly realized what an idiot I've been.
Just as April said, my past should stay in my past. Alex's confession of love changes nothing. He's only staying in town for a short while, and we're different people now. I don't really know him anymore, and he doesn't know me. The only thing I do know is that I want my life to continue in the direction that it was going before he came back into the picture. I want my life to continue with Colton.
To do that, though, I feel like I need to tell him everything. No more secrets. No more avoiding him. If he's going to be by my side, then he needs to know it all.
My alarm wakes us up in the morning, but I feel too comfortable to want to stir. I roll over and smile as I look at Colton. My God, he's the most handsome guy I've ever seen. How did I ever get so lucky? Not only is he good-looking, but he's kind and understanding. I really hit the jackpot when he walked into my life. I'd be an idiot to let him go.
“Good morning.” I squeeze his arm to my chest before inhaling a gob of snot that effectively reminds me that things aren't exactly back to being perfect.
“Good morning, Princess.” He grins at me, brushing a strand of hair away from my eyes. “Did you enjoy your breakfast?”
“Breakfast?” It takes a minute for me to realize what he's getting at. Then I turn and slap at his chest. “Colton, that's gross.”
“You're the one who swallowed.”
“I thought you liked girls who swallow.” I scrunch my nose at him.
“Touché.”
I lie on my back, staring up at the ceiling. There's so much that I want to say to Colton, but I don't know where to start.
“Are you alright?” He gives me a concerned look.
“Besides the fact that my sinuses are compacted?” I eye him, then sulk a bit. “No.”
“Talk to me.” He leans over to give me a gentle kiss on the forehead.
“I'm scared to.”
“Why?”
“Because I'm not sure how y
ou'll feel about what I'm going to say.”
The lines in his face deepen. “Tell me anyway.”
“When Alex was over here the other day...he confessed that he has feelings for me.”
Colton's body stiffens with tension. “And how do you feel about him?”
I take a moment to process my thoughts, wanting to be as honest as possible. “There was a time when I did have feelings for him.”
“And now?”
“And now...My life is different. He's not in it, and the fact that he's passing through town doesn't change that.”
“So you're saying that you do still have feelings for him?” He lets out a bitter laugh, backing away from me a little.
I grip his arm so that he can't roll away completely. “I'm saying that I choose you.”
“You chose me because I came chasing after you. If I hadn't, would you have chosen him instead?” The accusation in his voice makes my heart throb with pain.
“No. I wouldn't have.”
“Then why did you push me away?”
I sigh, letting him go. “Back when I was still in Salisbury, I never expressed my feelings to Alex because I felt like I wasn't good enough. Because of what my brother did to me—what he made me do—I felt tainted. Unworthy of love.
“Seeing Alex again brought those repressed feelings back to the surface. Except instead of having them towards him, I had them towards you. I tried to tell you several times. Even last time we were together.
“There are times when I don't feel good enough for you. Maybe it's illogical, but it's because of my upbringing and my past that I feel this way.
“It was different with Alex. He never knew I liked him, so it was easy to just keep quiet. Every time I considered telling him that I cared for him, those thoughts of worthlessness would creep back in, and I was able to keep my mouth shut.
“With you, we're already invested. I can't take back the things I've said to you. Pushing you away is the simplest solution.
