Unmatchable

by Sky Corgan

  “I know it seems harsh, but believe me when I say that I haven't done it because I don't like you. Quite the opposite. I adore you. I've done it because I wanted better for you.”

  Malice drains from his eyes and is replaced by understanding. He takes my hand in his and entwines our fingers. “You don't get to choose what's best for me, Ember. That's for me to decide.”

  “I know.” I nod. “I know that now. All I want to do is try to make things better. And I'm going to start by facing my problems head on instead of running away from them. The sooner I can get past this, the sooner things can get back to normal with us.” I take a deep breath. While I have thought what I'm about to say, actually saying it makes me feel committed. “I've decided to go see my brother.”

  “Do you want me to go with you?”

  “No.” I shake my head. “This is something I need to do on my own. I appreciate the offer, though.”

  “When are you planning on going?”

  “Tonight. If I keep putting it off, I might never get it done.”

  “It is probably better to get it done and over with,” Colton agrees.

  “It is.” I chew my bottom lip, staring up at the ceiling as tremors of discomfort race through me just from the thought of seeing Nelson again.

  “Hey.” Colton places his hand on my tummy and gives me a gentle shake. “Enough thinking about heavy stuff for now.”

  “What else is there to think about?” I turn to him.

  “Us. This. Right now.” He points to the bed.

  “What about us, this, and right now?” I smirk.

  “I can think of a few things that would make it more pleasant.” He wiggles his eyebrows, and I laugh.

  “I bet you can.”

  “Care for me to show you?” He walks his fingers down to the waistband of my shorts.

  I give no resistance as he sits up and pulls them over my ass and down my legs along with my underwear. Any kind of sexual contact with him is most welcome right now. I've been avoiding it because I was worried I wouldn't feel a connection—that I'd just be going through the motions. Now, though, it's exactly what I need to know that everything is alright between us.

  Colton slides his hands between my thighs and spreads my legs. I turn my head to the side and blush as he looks me over.

  “I've missed touching you. Missed kissing you down here.” He lowers himself, lifting up my shirt to kiss my navel. I squirm slightly from the feathery touch of his lips.

  Just knowing that he's so close to the heat of my sex makes me wet. My hormones kick in full force when he trails his tongue down my inner thigh. It's amazing how much I actually missed this—how I didn't realize that I could miss this.

  The blade of his tongue pushes between my folds, and I gasp as just the tip touches my sensitive clit. I buck my hips up to meet him, and he chuckles, hooking his hands around my waist to push me back against the bed.

  “Down girl,” he teases.

  I glare at him playfully over my breasts. My nipples are two rocks pressing against the front of my tank top. I wish my face wasn't so red. Wish I looked sexier for him. Then again, he's not really focused on my face right now anyway.

  His hands wander down between my legs, and he spreads my lips with his fingers before lowering his mouth onto me. I whimper in abandonment as he slicks his tongue around my cleft before nibbling gently on my clit. When he pushes his tongue inside of me, I fist my hand in his hair, driving him deeper.

  He curses against me, his warm breath causing my core to pulse. Then he wraps his lips around my clit and sucks until I'm writhing and panting beneath him. The flat of his tongue presses hard against my nub, rubbing in tight, hard circles until I can't handle the pressure anymore. The orgasm that tears through me is unlike anything I've felt before, both physical and emotional.

  “Oh God.” I place my hands at my sides and curl my fingers into the comforter, trying to ground myself.

  Colton laps at my juices. When he finally emerges from between my legs, I'm embarrassed by the glistening sheen that my pleasure left behind.

  He crawls up beside me and pulls me into his arms, kissing me passionately. My heart throbs with desire for him. I feel like a cup that's been filled to the brim with contentment. My appreciation of him is overflowing. My appreciation...and my love. I love him. Now, I just need to finish making things right.

  ***

  After Colton leaves my apartment and I head to work, it seems like everything starts going wrong. I spill coffee down the front of my blouse. My sinuses flare up to the point that my eyes nearly swell shut. My boss is in a particularly foul mood. The day chisels away at my resolve to see Nelson.

  By the time the workday is done, I feel frazzled and miserable and like I just want to go home and sleep for months. I crawl into the driver's side of my Prius and sit there for a good fifteen minutes with my head resting against the steering wheel sniffling every few seconds. When I glance up at the rearview mirror, I look like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. It reminds me of a time when my father came home drunk and punched me for not getting out of his way fast enough. Definitely not a good memory to carry with me on my way to see my brother for the first time in three years.

  You can't avoid Nelson for the rest of your life. Well, you probably could, but you'd still have these feelings. They're not healthy. You need closure. Need to tell him that what he did to you fucked you up royally. Need to tell him that you'll never be able to forgive him.

  My thoughts reflect my mood. Bitter and angry. It's probably not the best time to tackle this. Then again, maybe it is. If I feel like crap, then I likely won't sugarcoat what I have to say.

  I take a deep breath and pull out of the parking lot, forcing my car in the direction of the hotel where Nelson and Alex are staying. The thought of seeing either one of them fills me with dread.

  By the time I park my car in front of the hotel, my heart is pounding like it's about to jump out of my chest. I feel nauseous and uneasy and everything in between. Looking up at the rows of hotel rooms, I know that Nelson is staying in one of them. The last time I was this close to my brother, I was afraid of him. Is that still the case? Is that really why I don't want to go in?

  He can't do anything to you now. Besides, Alex will be there to protect you. All you have to do is speak your peace and leave. This doesn't have to be any more difficult than that.

  I wring my hands around the steering wheel, trying to negate some of my stress. I know better than anyone that it won't work. The longer I sit here, the more the tension is going to build until eventually I chicken out and leave. I need to get out of my head and back into reality before it's too late.

  Taking a deep breath, I try to clear my mind of any preconceived notions that I have of what will happen before I open the door and force myself out into the summer heat. I walk through the lobby of the hotel in a daze. Only my feet seem present as I move like a soulless ghost closer to my enemy.

  When I stop in front of room 201, the haziness leaves my eyes. My pulse is pumping so hard that I worry I might have a panic attack. For several minutes, I just stand there listening to the sound of the television on the other side of the door. No voices can be heard. It's almost comforting thinking that Nelson might not actually be inside—that I somehow might have managed to dodge a bullet that needs to hit me.

  I close my eyes and raise my hand to knock on the door, but then I hesitate. The panic raging inside of me is too much to bear. I can't do this.

  Half-jogging, I make my way back to the elevator. I press the button to go down and then sit on a bench across from the elevator. With shaking hands, I pull my phone out of my purse and type out a quick text message to Colton.

  Ember: I can't do it.

  Colton: Where are you?

  Ember: I'm at the hotel. I got as far as standing in front of the door to his room, but I couldn't knock. I feel so ashamed.

  Tears sear my eyes but don't spill over. The amount of frustration I'm experiencing is
giving me a headache.

  Colton: Do you want me to come get you?

  Ember: Come get me? And do what with my car?

  Colton: I'm just trying to help, Ember.

  Ember: I know, I'm sorry.

  Colton: If you're not ready to face him yet, that's okay.

  Ember: It's not okay. I feel like if I'm not ready to face him now, then I never will be.

  Colton: How about this? Take a breather for a minute. Collect your thoughts. If you still feel like you can't face him, then come over to my place, and I'll take you out to dinner.

  I laugh.

  Ember: Food isn't going to fix this, Colton.

  Colton: Sure it will. Food fixes everything.

  I wish food fixed everything. If it did, I'd walk up to the door with ice cream and pizza shoved in my mouth and everything would be rainbows and butterflies. It's not a cure-all for everything, though. Just a comfort when things go to shit. They're definitely going to shit right now.

  Get yourself together. You've come this far. If you turn back now, this is going to continue to haunt you. Don't think about it anymore. Don't hesitate. Just knock and get it over with.

  I force myself off of the bench and take long strides back to room 201. Without a second thought, I knock so hard that my knuckles ache. The sound echoes off of the walls.

  Footsteps pad toward the door, and panic assaults me again. I cast a glance at the elevator, wondering if I can still reach it before I'm discovered. Not likely. Not unless I can be as fast as Superman.

  The bolt unlatches, and I hold my breath as the door swings open. When I see Alex, my chest floods with relief. Maybe Nelson isn't here after all. Please, God, don't let him be here.

  “Ember.” He smiles at me.

  “Alex.”

  “I didn't expect to see you so soon, not that I'm unhappy about it.”

  “I'm not here to see you.” My words are biting, though the anger in them is completely misdirected. “Is Nelson here?”

  Alex opens up the door a bit wider, and as I shift my weight, I see my brother sitting on one of the beds. He looks every bit as curious and apprehensive as I do, like two kittens being introduced to each other for the first time. We stare at each other as if stuck in a dream, and then he comes to life.

  “Oh my God, Ember, is that really you?” Nelson pushes himself off of the bed and rushes to the door. I instinctively take a few steps away to make sure there's a safe distance between us.

  “It's really me.”

  I look my brother up and down. If years changed Alex, they turned Nelson into a different man entirely. He's packed on a good thirty pounds, and it's not muscle. His blond hair that he used to have shaved on the sides has grown out into a mussy mop. The sleek intimidation of his sharp features has fleshed out into something pleasant and less threatening. Dare I say, he looks friendly.

  Looks can be deceiving, though. I know who he really is. I remember.

  “Would you like me to give you guys some time alone?” Alex stares at me, making sure it's okay.

  Despite my better judgment, I nod. Alex disappears back into the room momentarily to grab his wallet and then slips around us both to head down the hall. My eyes trail after him, wondering if I made a mistake by sending him away. He was supposed to be my protection.

  “Wow. You look different.” Nelson takes me in.

  “You're one to talk.” I poke at his pudge. I'm not sure what possessed me to be bold enough to touch him, but it feels oddly natural.

  “I know, right?” He rubs his belly. “It looks like you're not the only one who has spent the past few years trying to change their image.”

  “I never thought to gain weight.” I force a smile that I know looks more cruel than pleasant. For some reason, I can't resist the urge to make jabs at him. He's being nice, and I'm already in attack mode.

  “Come on in.” He motions for me to follow him inside. “It's a bit messy, but nothing like the house was, I promise.”

  I lift my foot to cross the threshold but then hesitate. Once the door is closed behind me, no one will be able to save me if shit hits the fan.

  Shit won't hit the fan. And even if it does, there's nothing to stop you from leaving. It's not going to be like it used to be. You have to believe that. You're a stronger person now.

  It takes all of my conviction to make that leap of faith into the hotel room and watch the door close behind me. By the time I turn around, Nelson is rummaging through the mini-fridge.

  “Would you like some water or a soda? If I remember correctly, you like Coke.” He holds a can out to me.

  “I'm fine.” I hug myself protectively and stop just short of the beds, pulling the chair out from under the small desk in the room and planting myself in it.

  “Mind if I do?” He looks at me as if asking for permission to drink the soda instead.

  “Have at it.”

  “These things are horrible for you, but I just can't seem to give them up.” He pops open the soda and chugs down a few mouthfuls before sitting on the corner of the bed farthest from me. I'm thankful that he doesn't try to get closer.

  For several minutes, we sit there in silence. Nelson drinks his soda and stares at me, and I look at everything I can in the room to avoid him. At the empty bags of chips on the table. At the takeout boxes piled in the garbage can. At the prints of seascapes on the walls.

  “So how have you been?” he asks finally.

  “Fine.” I don't even observe the courtesy of returning the question. In truth, I don't care how he's been. He could be a rotting corpse in a gutter, and it wouldn't bother me in the least.

  “Alex told me you got your own place.”

  “I did,” I keep my answers short, wanting him to know as little about my life as possible.

  Nelson wraps his hands around the can and taps at it. It's the first sign that he's nervous, an old habit he has had since we were kids.

  It makes me want to grin. When we were children, he used to hate thunderstorms. Every time it would rain, I would sit with him on his bed until the worst of it passed. If he had a drink in his hand, he would always tap on the container. Tap. Tap. Tap. It was a mindless action, but somehow I think it made him feel better.

  “Things are going well for you then.” He nods to himself.

  “They are.”

  Minutes pass in silence. I'm not making things easy on him. If anyone is creating tension between us, it's me. He's trying to be friendly; I'm just shutting down.

  There's no point in beating around the bush. No point in trying to be pleasant with one another and pretend like we're a happy family. I know that I need to get out what I came to say. Otherwise, this will drag on forever.

  “I didn't want to come see you, you know.” I look past him toward the window, even though I can't see outside because the curtains are drawn closed.

  “I kind of figured.” The tapping becomes more insistent. He drops his gaze to the can and keeps it there.

  “You're the main reason why I left. You're the main reason why I didn't want to be found.”

  “I know, and I'm sorry. I made a lot of mistakes back then. I've been trying to make amends for them.”

  “How have you made amends for them?” My head snaps to face him.

  “I turned over a new leaf. I got clean. I started going to church. I started working for what I wanted instead of stealing it.”

  “How is that making amends? Perhaps you don't understand the meaning of the word.” My anger flares. “Making amends is compensating for the injuries you caused others. Did you return the things that you stole? Paid off your debts to those you wronged? Found some magical way to give me back my innocence?”

  His expression is pained. “Ember, that's not fair.”

  “What's not fair is that you're sitting here enjoying life instead of rotting in a jail cell where you belong.” I stand, sick of hearing his bullshit. If anyone deserves to have a better life, it's certainly not him.

  “I'm trying,
Ember. Whenever Alex told me that he had found you, the first thing I wanted to do was go to your apartment and apologize, but I knew you didn't want me there.”

  “You're right. I don't want you there. In fact, if you would have shown up, I probably would have called the police. I don't want you anywhere near me. To this day—to this moment—I don't want you anywhere near me.”

  His shoulders slump. “Then what are you doing here?”

  “I came here to face my demons. I came here to tell you that I hate you. God may forgive you for all of the horrible things you've done, but I never will.”

  I'm so overheated that I can't even stand to be in his presence anymore. I take long strides to escape the hotel room—to escape him. Thankfully, he doesn't give chase.

  On the other side of the door with it closed behind me, I feel like an enormous weight has been lifted off of my chest. I walk back to my car, keeping my eyes forward. It's not until I'm sitting behind the steering wheel that the fake veil of pride is lifted, and pain shines through. I manage to hold back my tears until I've pulled onto the street.

  These past few years, I've fantasized about what this moment would feel like—about standing up for myself and telling Nelson how much he has damaged me. There were so many different scenarios that played through my head. Scenarios where we fought and screamed at each other. Where Nelson tried to justify what he did. Where he groveled and begged for my forgiveness. In the end, I always came out the victor. In the end, all of the pain from my past melted away after I said my peace.

  That's not the reality of the situation though. While I'm happy that I let my words fly freely from my lips—from my heart—I definitely do not feel like the victor. Remembering the pure remorse in Nelson's eyes, I realize that neither of us came out the winner. In fact, I'm not ever sure I'm any better off than I was before.

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  COLTON

  It broke my heart to see Ember standing on the other side of my loft door with tears streaming down her face, her chest heaving from sobs. As soon as I opened the door to her, I enveloped her in my arms, and the crying only got heavier. The sounds that she was making were enough to tell me that things didn't go well.