Loving

by Penny Jordan

  When his fingers curled round her arm she tried to jerk away, but he wouldn't release her. Instead he shook her, the aura of suppressed violence emanating from him so totally alien to his normal manner that she couldn't take it in properly.

  'Nothing you can do? Nothing you will do, don't you mean?' he grated bitterly. 'For God's sake, Claire, you must know what it's doing to me living with you like this!'

  'Of course I know! Do you think I can't see the changes in you? But what can I do? I can't bring her back for you. Jay! I can't be Susie.'

  *Susie?' He released her so quickly that she half stumbled against the sofa. *What the hell are you talking about?'

  His face had gone white with rage, the anger glittering in his eyes making her take a step back.

  *Jay, you know what I'm talking about. Vm talking about the fact that you're having second thoughts about our marriage because you've discovered you still love Susie.'

  There was a long, long silence and then, speaking slowly and spacing the words out as though he was having the greatest diflSculty in forming the words. Jay said thickly, *I don't believe I'm hearing this. Are you for real?' He shook his head. * You're way, way off beam!'

  'But you agreed that you were having second thoughts...'

  'About the terms of our marriage, not what happened in the past. I've fallen in love with vou, Claire,' he told her flatly, 'and I want you in all the ways a man wants the woman he loves. I want to feel your skin against my hands, I want to touch it with my lips, I want to spread your hair out over my pillow and thread it through my fingers. Just the way you turn your head is enough to bum me up, do you know that? I want this, Claire,' he told her roughly, taking her in his arms and bringing his mouth down hard on the softness of hers.

  The kiss took her by surprise, her mouth tremulous and soft beneath his, her tongue retreating shyly from the fierce invasion of his. She could feel his heart thudding furiously against her body. She could feel the tension in him—and the arousm, she acknowledged as she shook with shock and disbelief.

  Abruptly his mouth left hers and she was free. Free to stare wide-eyed at him, to touch tremulous fingertips to her mouth. She saw his eyes darken and a hot flush of colour bum along his face, and her stomach lifted and plunged.

  *But you can't love me ...'

  'Why not?' he laughed hollowly. 'Because you don't love me? Life isn't like that, Claire.'

  'But you didn't love me when you proposed marriage.'

  'No,' he agreed, dragging in a lungful of air and fighting for self-control. More calmly he continued, 'No, I didn't, but I did like you very much, both as a woman and as a person. I liked your quick intelligence, your interest in other people, your compassion, your womanliness. A womanliness it seemed a miracle you had kept when I knew what had happened to you. I saw the love and caring you gave Lucy, and I wanted that caring for my own child—^and then for myself. After Susie left me I swore I'd never enter a permanent romantic relationship with any woman again. I knew I couldn't put up with the sort of infidelity and cheating I'd had with Susie. It was mv own fault; I should never have married her. I should have let her have her abortion and we should have gone our separate ways, but I couldn't believe she meapt it. I couldn't believe she didn't want our child. I thought she was just being independent and proud and that really she wanted marriage. I threatened to tell her parents what she was planning to do if she didn't marry me, and she never forgave me for that—or for making her have Heather. When you told me how Lucy was conceived and how you felt about sex I knew you'd never be unfaithful to me. I knew then

  that I desired you, but I told myself I could control it. It was only later after we were married that I realised I couldn't, and with that realisation came others, like how much happiness and extra dimensionality you'd brought to my life; like how eager I was to come home to you and the girls; before I knew it, I'd made the transition from liking to loving...'

  *And does loving me mean that you want me physically?' Claire asked him.

  His eyes didn't waver. 'Yes,' he said gravely. 'I've already told you that. Wanting you, desiring you... those are a part of my love.'

  *But in Dallas you pushed me away!'

  His eyes narrowed incredulously. 'Pushed you away? For God's sake, Claire, how much self-control do you think I have? You were completely naked, I was holding you in my arms. I wanted to take you to bed right there and then, and show you how I felt about you,' he admitted flatly, adding m a thick and unfamiliar voice, 'although, the way I was feeUng, I doubt that I'd have made it as far as the bed!'

  She shook visibly with the effect of what he was saying, knowing that he was telling her the truth, but totally unable to take it in.

  'What on earth gave you the idea I still loved Susie?V

  'The way you rejected me. I thought you were wishing I was her, and then since we got back from Dallas, you've been so distant.'

  'So have you,' he pointed out.

  'Yes, but...'

  'But what? Was it because I kissed you, Claire? Did I frighten you so much that you felt you had to

  keep me at a distance?'

  Tlie anguish in his eyes was too much for her to bear.

  *I wasn't frightened of you. I was ... I was frightened of myself, Jay, frightened of how you made me feel, of...'

  'How do I make you feel?'

  He had never looked less urbane and in control, and she had never loved him more, she thought achingly, watching the expressions race across his face: dread ... hope ... need...

  'You make me feel...' She broke off and licked her lips nervously. She heard him make a strangled sound deep in his chest and looked at him with wide nervous eyes.

  'Claire?' His voice pleaded and begged, and promised terrible retribution if she strung out his torment any longer.

  'You make me feel like a woman,' she told him huskily. 'You make me ... want you. Jay ... You make me love you.'

  There was a long, poignant silence and then he said softly, 'Come here.'

  She almost ran into his open arms. They closed round her so tightly she could hardly breathe. He kissed her hungrily, running his tongue over her top lip and then the bottom one, probing their softness.

  'Open your mouth.'

  She shuddered as his tongue touched hers, but not with revulsion. As he felt her shudder. Jay raised his head, his eyes dark with pain. 'It's too soon, isn't it?' he whispered rawly. Tm rushing you too much. God knows I don't want to hurt or frighten you. I want to give you all the time there is. I want to cherish and protect you. I. ..'

  She knew all that. She also knew gloriously and freely that she wanted him. Here and now at this moment in time, she wanted to be at one with him in a celebration of their love.

  Raising herself up on tiptoe, she leaned towards him, cupping his face running her tongue over his top lip in the way he had caressed hers, and then beyond it, feeling the faint prickle of his beard. *Make love to me, Jay.' She interspersed the words with soft kisses. *I want to be your wife, to bear your child. I want...'

  She felt his indrawn breath and shivered heatedly in delight as his mouth opened over hers.

  She was drowning in pleasure, floating in a delicious sensuous haze. She felt his hands on her body, and made a soft sound of satisfaction as he stripped it free of clothes. Her breasts filled his hands as though they were made for them, her nipples tight and urgent with desire.

  *I think we'd better go upstairs.'

  She didn't want to be apart from him, and she twined her arms around him, burying her hot face in his throat, tasting the salt heat of his skin.

  *Claire, you're not making this easy for me.'

  She didn't listen; she was too busy struggling with the buttons on his shirt. When he help^ her with them she murmured a pleased sigh of pleasure, raking her nails gently through the darkness of his chest hair.

  It was soft. She bent her head and pressed her face against his body. He shuddered and moaned something unintelligible into her ear, his mouth devouri
ng the arched line of her throat and then beyond.

  When his lips gently caressed the taut hardne-

  her nipple Claire thought she would faint from the pleasure. She clung to him as it coiled through her, unashamedly digging her fingers into his back, her body arching supplicatingly.

  Somehow they were lying on the floor, supported by the cushions Jay had dragged off the sofa. The power and beauty of his naked body thrilled and aroused her. His hands stroked her skin and she was fiUed with a wanton delight, giving herself to him easily and eagerly, twistmg and writhing against him as his hands and lips brought her to the edge of ecstasy.

  It was she who begged him to enter her, sensing that he was fearful of hurting her, but her body welcomed him joyfully, his mouth absorbing her delirious cries of pleasure as they surged together to the glittering tantalising heights and then finally fell slowly back to earth.

  'What are you doing?'

  Claire had fallen asleep after they had made love, but now she was awake, watching Jay pick up their discarded clothes. He was wearing a towelling robe and she was covered in a duvet.

  'We don't want the girls asking awkward questions, do we?' He abandoned his task and came over to her. 'How could you think I still lov€>d Susie?' he groaned against her mouth, taking her in his arms.

  'I don't know.' Claire gave him a smile that was purely mischievous. 'Perhaps you ought to convince me again that you don't... just to be on the safe side ... The safe side!' Her face changed, and Jay frowned and stared at her.

  ct^^hat is it?' he demanded roughly. 'Claire,

  what's wrong? Did I hurt you after all? Did ...'

  'It's nothing like that. I love you. Jay, and I know you'd never hurt me. It's just...'

  'What?'

  She coloured delicately and offered with a small laugh, 'Well, I've never done this sort of thing before, and ...'

  'And?'

  'We didn't take any precautions, Jay. I could have a baby!'

  'You said you wanted my child,' he reminded her, watching her.

  'I do ... but you might not...'

  'Is that what you really think?' he asked thickly. Bending down, he scooped her up into his arms, duvet and all.

  'You're right,' he told her. 'I do have to convince you.'

  At the top of the stairs Jay paused and, looking down into her glowing face, asked softly, 'Which room, madam, yours or mine?'

  'How about ours?' Claire suggested.

  'Ours. Mnmi. I think I like the idea of that—we'll buy ourselves a new bed, I think, and it won't be ten feet wide! I want you as close to me as it's possible to be from now on. Close to me in all the ways there are, Claire. I've been so lucky to find you...'

  Fate had not been unkind to her after all, Claire acknowledged headily as he shouldered open his bedroom door and carried her over to the bed.

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  Table of Contents

  Front Cover

  Title Page

  Copyright

  Pages

  Back Cover