Minions

by Minions- The Junior Novel (retail) (epub)

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  Prologue

  Minions have been on this earth since the beginning of time. At first, they were just shapeless, single-celled organisms searching for the biggest, baddest villain to serve. They’d follow anyone despicable enough—as they needed to be led by something bigger than themselves.

  Over hundreds of years, the Minions evolved, growing arms and legs. As they evolved, so did their choice of leader. Each master was eventually replaced—or eaten—by a bigger, badder master. At one point, they followed the biggest amoeba—until he was devoured by an evil fish who, in turn, was eaten by an evil amphibian. They followed that evil lizard right out of the prehistoric sludge and onto a beach…

  … where he was smashed by a Tyrannosaurus rex.

  The Minions were very impressed. They stared in awe at the giant T. rex, with his terrible claws and teeth. He was the greatest monster they had ever seen—so much bigger and tougher than their other master. It was love at first sight.

  After that, they served the T. rex, scratching his scaly back and picking the bugs out of his nostrils. They spent days riding on him through the wilderness, helping him look for prey. They spent nights cleaning the mud and dirt from between his toes. But all good things must come to an end. The Minions had found a master, but it was not always easy to keep one.

  One day, two Minions were trying to pull a banana from a bush (after all, Minions love bananas). The banana loosened a great big boulder, which started rolling down the side of a hill. The T. rex had been minding his own business when he saw the boulder rolling straight toward him. So he ran. The boulder picked up speed, overtaking the great dinosaur. The T. rex ended up on top of the boulder, running and trying to keep his balance. Unfortunately, he wasn’t paying attention to where the boulder was headed.

  The giant rock—with the T. rex running on top—rolled down the hill and stopped at the edge of a massive cliff. The dinosaur and the boulder teetered at the edge, overlooking the heated furnace of a bubbling volcano. The Minions ran to the top of the hill to make sure their master was okay. But two Minions bumped into each other, rolling toward the T. rex. One Minion hit the rock and stopped, but the second Minion kept tumbling closer and closer. The T. rex was delicately balancing on the boulder, and when the Minion stopped rolling just under the edge of the boulder, he took a deep sigh of relief. Phew. Close call.

  That is, until the Minion picked himself up and bumped his head on the boulder—giving it that extra little tiny push, which caused the boulder and the dinosaur to tumble all the way into the volcano. Whoops.

  The Minions stood there, looking over the edge into the hot lava, and cried, mourning the loss of the great T. rex.

  Time to find a new master.

  The Minions wandered the earth, looking for a new master. With the emergence of the Stone Age came the rise of a new species: mankind. The Minions took an instant liking to man and helped him as best they could as he battled the wild animals of the plains. When a bear came after him, showing its razor-sharp teeth and ready to strike, they handed the man a flyswatter.

  It seemed like a good idea at the time.

  It wasn’t.

  The bear made off with the caveman, leaving the Minions without a leader. The Minions mourned their master. For a while, they wandered the plains, sad and lonely. They were lost without someone to follow.

  Many years later, they found another master worthy of their love and affection. A pharaoh in ancient Egypt used the Minions to build his pyramid. There was only one problem… the Minions built it upside down. Within minutes of finishing the triangular-shaped pyramid, it fell over, squashing their master flat.

  But Minions do not give up. They do not know the meaning of the word “defeat” (mainly because they don’t know a lot of words). They persist no matter what.

  They found another master in the Dark Ages: a man who called himself Dracula, who had pale skin and terrible fangs. He kind of reminded them of the T. rex. They liked that.

  Moving into Dracula’s castle, they worked hard to earn his trust. They cleaned cobwebs and crypts. They polished candlesticks and put in fresh new candles. And at the end of each day, they helped Dracula into his coffin, hung up his cape, and fluffed his pillow—but only after they reminded him to brush his fangs before bed. Over time, Dracula came to rely on the little yellow helpers and to think of them as his friends.

  “Tomorrow vill be my three-hundred-und-fifty-seventh birthday,” he told them. The Minions’ heads swam with ideas of throwing the perfect birthday celebration. They made punch; they made cake; they even created the perfect present—a portrait of Dracula and all his Minions by his side.

  “Surprise!” the Minions yelled.

  “Aw, how vonderful.” Dracula smiled, sipping from his goblet of blood punch.

  “Big boss, big cake,” said the Minions, revealing a giant cake with 357 candles on it. Then it was time for the gift. But it was too dark. How would their master be able to see all their hard work? So the Minions grabbed the thick, heavy curtains and gave them a tug. Bright, intense rays of sunlight poured into the room.

  “Paratu, big boss,” the Minions cooed, admiring their work of art.

  Dracula didn’t say anything. He didn’t even move.

  “Big boss?” they said.

  Who knew that sunlight could turn Dracula to ash? Apparently, the Minions didn’t. Dracula should have warned them about that. Really.

  The Minions had bad luck with other masters, too. They almost killed Napoleon with a poorly aimed cannon blast. He was a little man, not much taller than the Minions, but he had a very big temper. He did not take their mistake lightly. His army pursued the Minions for hundreds of miles, deep into the snowy tundra. They finally found refuge in a cave hidden in a snowy mountain range.

  The Minions spent weeks and then years there, forging their own civilization. At first it was fun. They built snow-houses, had snowball fights, and ate snow cones. But something was missing. With no leader to serve, the Minions became aimless and depressed.

  Decades passed, and the Minion village fell into a bottomless sadness. They didn’t enjoy making snow cones anymore. They no longer climbed one another, building Minion towers, or played in the snow. Their games of Ping-Pong were abysmal. If they didn’t find a master, and soon, the Minions would perish.

  But all was not lost. For one Minion had hope. And he had a plan.

  His name…

  … was Kevin.

  Chapter One

  Kevin had kept quiet for some time, but he could not hold back any longer. He stepped forward in front of his tribe, preparing to reveal his big plan. He was going to leave the cave. He’d go out into the world and find the biggest, baddest villain to serve and then all his Minion friends could have purpose again. There was only one problem though… he needed help.

  “Kiday come me?” he said, standing in front of the other Minions.

  One of the tiniest Minions, Bob, raised his hand. He jumped up and down, excited. “Me coming!” Bob yelled.

  Kevin looked down at the little runt of a Minion. He was half Kevin’s size. Kevin needed volunteers but was worried Bob wasn’t strong enough for the dangerous journey ahead. “Uh… no. Una otra
Minion?” Kevin asked.

  But Bob kept waving his little arms in Kevin’s face. “Me! Me! Chosa me!”

  Thankfully, a Minion in the back raised a ukulele in the air. The crowd parted, revealing a sleepy one-eyed Minion whose friends were holding up the ukulele, playing a trick on him. The musical instrument belonged to him.

  Stuart stood up, groggily, waving to the crowd. Everyone was clapping for him. “Me? Thank you, heh, thank you…,” he said, not really sure why everyone was looking at him. He grabbed his ukulele and started playing it, with no clue he had just agreed to leave the cave with Kevin to search mountains and deserts for an evil master who might possibly kill them, if the lack of water and food didn’t kill them first.

  Maybe it was better he didn’t know?

  Kevin pushed him out of the spotlight and stepped forward. “Una otra?” he asked, scanning the rest of the crowd.

  Bob was still jumping up and down in front of everyone. Then Bob grabbed a block of ice and held it over his own head to show how strong he was. His thin arms shook under its weight. “Kevin! Kevin!” he pleaded until it forced him down into the snow.

  Still, he managed to peer out from underneath it, a bit dazed. “Chosa me, Kevin!”

  Kevin looked over him at the other Minions, hoping another one of them would raise their hands. No one did. He stared down at Bob, pinned beneath the ice. Kevin knew Bob was his only other option. He’d need at least two Minions with him.

  “Ugh…,” Kevin huffed. “Komay.”

  Bob clapped his hands, excited. He grabbed his teddy bear, Tim, and was ready to go. The giant mass of Minions parted. “Big boss! Big boss!” they chanted as Kevin, Stuart, and Bob walked through them toward the cave exit.

  They turned around one last time to look at their friends, wondering how long it would be before they saw them again.

  “Kumbaya,” Kevin, Stuart, and Bob cried out, rallying the other Minions. As Kevin set off first, his chest swelled with pride. They would find another master… they would return… or they would die trying.

  Kevin felt pride. He was going to be the one to save his tribe. Stuart felt hungry, mostly. He was going to be the one to eat the banana he brought along for the trip. And Bob was frightened of the journey ahead. Kevin reassured him, telling him not to be afraid. “Okay,” Bob said. “La kita le big boss!” And they were off to find their new boss!

  The journey was treacherous. They hiked over the snowy mountains and down through the dense forests. When Bob grew tired, Kevin carried him on his head. They made their way down into the valley where the grass grew high.

  Finally, after weeks of travel, they reached the ocean. Kevin and Stuart made a canoe out of a downed tree trunk. After a few days on the beach collecting bananas for the back of the boat, they set sail on the ocean. They paddled for miles, using oars they’d made out of branches and leaves. They drifted with the currents. They slept. They got hungry, and they started looking at one another strangely.

  After they ran out of food, Stuart became so famished he started seeing things. To Stuart’s amazement, Kevin and Bob looked exactly like delicious bananas! He lunged at Kevin and started licking him. Bob joined in. But just then, they saw the most incredible sight. Far off in the distance was a beautiful woman. She stood tall, staring out at the Minions in their tiny boat. She was dressed in long, elegant robes.

  And she was… green?!

  As soon as he saw her, Bob jumped out of the canoe and swam toward shore.

  “Bob! Stopa!” Kevin called, looking up at the Statue of Liberty.

  Kevin and Stuart continued paddling after Bob. The boat eventually drifted toward a pier. They had reached New York City in all its glory. They climbed onto the pier and walked up the sidewalk. Everyone was wearing something—blue jeans and hats, dresses and jumpers in the fashion of 1968. The Minions’ coats were too heavy and hot for the warm weather. If they were going to fit in, they needed to look the part.

  Luckily, the trio stumbled upon an alleyway between two buildings with clotheslines stretched across it. There were so many clothes to choose from. The Minions quickly climbed a fire escape to find some new apparel. First Stuart pulled down a colorful, tie-dyed shirt, but it was too big. Then he grabbed a pair of boxers, but they hiked up over his mouth. Kevin shook his head in disapproval. It was not a good look. Finally, Kevin looked up and saw what he wanted gleaming in the sunlight above: overalls. Those would be perfect.

  The three denim overalls looked like they were for little kids. The Minions pulled them on, replacing their dirty old coats from the cave, and admired their new looks.

  “Bueno!” Stuart said, turning around so he could see his reflection in the glass window. His butt looked good… real good.

  Then they took off through the streets, dwarfed by the giant buildings. Dwarfed by the hot-dog carts and the fire hydrants.

  Dwarfed by everything, really.

  As they made their way into Times Square, everything was new and shiny… and very, very big. A billboard high above had a picture of a man who was running for president—some guy named Nixon.

  The Minions scrambled away. Maybe they were a little too eager to find a master. After hundreds of years of searching, they could afford to be a little more discerning now. They scanned the street, unsure which way to go. They pushed through a crowd of hippies protesting a war. They held signs that said PEACE and LOVE.

  “War! What is it good for?!” a girl with flowers in her hair yelled.

  “Boo-yah! Boo-yah!” Bob and Stuart joined in, raising their fists in the air.

  Kevin had to drag them away. For a long while, they stood on the sidewalk, staring into the front of a music store. Stuart admired some awesome electric guitars in the shop window. He imagined himself in the photos of the famous rock legends. Then Bob got distracted by a woman in a banana-print dress. He followed her out of the store and into a nearby taxi, which sped off. Stuart and Kevin searched for their friend, afraid they’d lost him forever. Finally, they spotted him going into a department store.

  “Women’s bell-bottoms and tie-dyed shirts are marked down!” a voice from the loudspeaker said as the two Minions ran around the store, looking for Bob. “Check out our wide selection of go-go boots and miniskirts.”

  They searched the whole store and finally found him in the dressing room. He was staring at the hundreds of Minions reflected in the mirror, as if they were his own tribe. Bob missed his friends, but Kevin reminded him of their important mission and Bob felt a little better. Then, suddenly, the lights went dark. The Minions wandered out of the dressing rooms to find that the entire store was deserted. The exits were locked. They’d be stuck inside for the entire night.

  They tried to get comfortable. Kevin found a big bed with a TV in front of it. It was so much nicer than the hard floor of the Minion cave. They all huddled together under the soft blankets and flipped on a TV show called The Dating Game. On the show, a man named Bob stood under a sign that said BACHELOR #1. He was short with a round belly.

  “Yeah, go, Bob!” Bob cheered.

  “Kevin?” the host asked. Another man stepped forward—bachelor number two. He was tall and lanky, and had a stiff, uptight vibe. He kind of looked like Minion Kevin… only taller.

  “La Kevin!” Kevin cried. “C’est la me!”

  “Or will it be Stuart?” the host added. A small, laid-back man with hair covering one eye was revealed.

  “Yo, Stuart!” Stuart yelled.

  As the bachelorette was about to decide who she’d go on her date with, the TV screen went to static. Stuart tried to fix the antennae, but it was no use. He stood on top of the TV, moving the two bunny ears back and forth, until suddenly another screen appeared.…

  VNC: VILLIAN NETWORK CHANNEL, it said.

  A man in a black suit appeared on the screen. “You’re watching the top secret Villain Network Channel,” the broadcaster said, staring out at the audience. “If you tell anyone, we’ll find you.”

  Kevin smil
ed, liking how evil this guy seemed. Not even one minute had passed and he was already threatening the audience.

  Pictures flashed across the screen. There were shots of a giant convention with different villains. A young girl in a black cat costume. A giant ogre with a wooden club. Two mad scientists with test tubes that poured out red smoke. He’d never seen so many bad guys in one place.

  “VNC is sponsored by Villain-Con. For eighty-nine years straight, the biggest gathering of criminals anywhere,” the man said.

  The Minions all leaned forward, listening to every word out of the man’s mouth.

  “C’est la! C’est la finte la big boss!” Kevin cried.

  “Attend guest lectures from esteemed villains!” the man went on. “Make contacts in the underworld community. And, for the first time anywhere, a special appearance from the first female super villain… Scarlet Overkill!”

  A woman’s silhouette appeared onscreen, stealing from other criminals. Even her shadow seemed menacing. She looked at the camera as she defeated a group of mobsters. “Evil,” the man said.

  “So evil,” Scarlet said.

  “Criminal genius,” the broadcaster said.

  “Hey, a girl’s gotta make a living,” Scarlet said.

  “Move aside, men! There’s a new bad man in town,” the broadcaster said. “And that man… is a woman!”

  Scarlet stood on a pile of defeated villains and laughed.

  “Crime isn’t pretty,” the broadcaster said.

  Then Scarlet added, “It’s red hot.”

  The Minions hadn’t felt this happy in years. It was the same swell of joy they experienced when they saw the T. rex for the first time. They’d known it when they fought alongside Napoleon and slept in coffin beds beside Dracula.

  This was it… the villain they’d been looking for. Their great and terrible master.

  “Get to Villain-Con this weekend. Only at 545 Orange Grove Avenue in Orlando, Florida. So much fun, it’s a crime,” the man said.