Minions

by Minions- The Junior Novel (retail) (epub)

  “Minions!” Bob yelled, explaining and holding out a business card.

  Scarlet smiled a wicked smile, her teeth sparkling. She threw her hands out to the side, introducing her new little friends. “Behold! The last creatures you’d expect to win the day have emerged victorious! The job has been filled! Everyone meet my new henchmen, the Minions!”

  Kevin, Stuart, and Bob stood on the stage, looking out at what was left of the audience. They held their hands together and raised them in the air, taking a bow. Kevin smoothed his few strands of hair, making sure he looked all right. He suddenly wished they’d washed their overalls before coming to Villain-Con. He wasn’t expecting all this attention.

  The Minions stared out at the crowd, spotting a familiar face. The Nelson family was standing in the first few rows. They cheered for the Minions.

  “Hey! I know those guys!” Walter shouted at the Grim Reaper, who was standing right next to him. “I gave ’em a ride here!”

  He was so excited he shook the Grim Reaper, accidentally causing him to fall apart into a pile of bones.

  Chapter Five

  Within minutes, Scarlet had whisked them away from the auditorium. The Minions were down in the basement of the parking garage, climbing into Scarlet’s sleek, futuristic red jet. She slipped on a pair of sunglasses and put her hand on the controller in the center console.

  “Buckle up, boys…,” she said, smiling. Kevin, Stuart, and Bob scrambled to get into the seats behind her. They pulled on their belts and grabbed the armrests, preparing for takeoff.

  “Next stop: England!” Scarlet yelled. She pressed a button on the controller, and the jet blasted out of the Villain-Con parking lot. They rocketed into the sky, high above Orlando, the marshes disappearing beneath them. Kevin used one of the phones in the back of the plane to call the Minions in the snow cave. He couldn’t wait to tell them the big news: They’d found their new boss.

  But when Kevin called his tribe, they told him they had already found a big boss: a group of yetis who had wandered over to the cave. While Kevin spoke to Dave on the phone, the other Minions sang and danced for the yetis, wanting to impress them with their entertainment skills. Between the choreographed dance routines, the theatrics, and, of course, the amazing Minion band, the yetis were more than happy. That is, until the tuba player blew too hard, causing the ice to crack on the ceiling. This loosened one large chunk of ice—which fell directly onto the head of the leader yeti, killing him.

  “Uh, Kevin? Tu le dissay England?” Dave said nervously as the yetis growled. The Minions were immediately chased out of the cave and back into the snowy wasteland.

  “Bello? Bello? Que pasa?” Kevin asked as he listened to nothing but dial tone. He hung up, feeling worried for his friends.

  The jet traveled so fast it wasn’t long before they reached England. Scarlet’s castle appeared on a majestic hill in the center of London. It was the biggest structure for miles, a towering thing with stone turrets and a giant wall around it.

  Scarlet landed the jet effortlessly, touching down on the runway outside. She maneuvered the jet into a giant hangar. The Minions looked around, impressed by how big it was. It must’ve been ten times the size of their old cave.

  The Minions followed Scarlet down a staircase on the far side. “Herb! My baby!” Scarlet called out.

  “You know I am,” Herb cooed. A portion of the ceiling lowered down, revealing a man sitting in an armchair. He wore a sleek pin-striped suit. The chair spun around so he was facing them. “How’d it go? Were you evil?”

  “Soooo evil,” Scarlet said softly. She turned to the Minions, who were still hovering by the staircase, watching the scene unfold. “Come, meet my husband, Herb. Inventor, super genius, fox. Herb, these are the new recruits: Kevin, Stuart, and Bob.”

  “Bello!” Kevin said, walking over. “Paratikota.”

  Herb looked down at the Minions, studying their overalls and goggles. “Right on.” He laughed. “You guys are crazy little and way yellow, and I dig that. Come on… we’ll show you around.”

  Scarlet and Herb led the Minions into a glass elevator on the other side of the lair. They went down several floors to the bottom of the castle, where the doors opened into Scarlet’s trophy room. The place was packed with paintings, rare cars, and antiques Scarlet had stolen.

  “Whoa! Coolos!” they cried.

  “I know, right?” Scarlet said, waving at all kinds of rare and valuable things. “Just some things I stole to help fill the void.”

  Stuart stood staring at one corner of the room, where rock-and-roll memorabilia was heaped in a pile. There were old guitars and records, signed platinum albums, and a vest Janis Joplin had worn. He ran up to a painted guitar. “Whoa! La mega-ukulele!” he yelled.

  “Stuart!” Scarlet yelled. “Don’t touch the guitar!”

  Stuart backed away slowly. Meanwhile, Bob was inspecting a painting of a Campbell’s soup can by some guy named Andy Warhol.

  “Checking out my can?” Herb asked. “We stole that because finally someone expressed my love of soup in painting form.”

  Scarlet spun around, facing the Minions. Her expression grew serious. “Okay, listen up! It’s time to get down to business.” She walked up to a painting of a woman with short, curly brown hair. She was wearing an evening gown and fur, and had a crown on her head. “Do you know who this is?”

  “La cucaracha?” Kevin asked.

  “This is Queen Elizabeth,” Scarlet said. “Ruler of England. Oh… I love England. The music, the fashion; I’m seriously thinking of overthrowing it someday. Anyway, this pale drink of water oversees it all. I’m her biggest fan, love her work… and I really, really, really want her crown. Steal me the crown, and all your dreams come true. Respect! Power!”

  “Banana!” Stuart cheered.

  “Banana!” Scarlet repeated enthusiastically, if not a little confused. But first—they needed to get outfitted for the job at hand. Scarlet sent them to Herb’s lab to get some gear.

  Chapter Six

  The Minions climbed down into Herb’s lab. There was a giant metal contraption in the corner, with mechanical arms sticking out of the top. They crept toward it, trying to see what it was.

  “No!” Herb cried. He rappelled down from a platform above, using a grappling hook and rope. “Don’t get too close, boys. When it’s completed, it’ll be my ultimate weapon, but right now it’s leaking radiation like you would not believe.”

  The Minions stepped back, noticing the blue puddle that oozed out the bottom of it. “So you’re here for gear?” Herb asked.

  The Minions nodded. Scarlet had told them to come here to get outfitted for the crown heist. Apparently, Herb had all the best henchman tools—fancy grappling hooks, stun guns, and fireproof suits.

  Herb looked down at Bob. “Rob, Robert, Bobby. My boy! You get my far-out Stretch Suit—let me demonstrate.”

  Suddenly, Herb’s arm stretched out. First just a few feet, then a few more, until it went out the window. Somewhere in the distance, they heard a woman scream. When he pulled his arm back, he had a chicken leg in his hand. “Mmm… chicken,” Herb said, taking a bite. Herb removed the mechanical stretch arm with the chicken leg still in its grip and handed it to Bob. The Minion inspected it, smiling.

  “Kevin,” Herb went on. “Kev-bo. Seventh Kevin. You are the proud owner of my Lava-Lamp Gun. This baby shoots actual lava.” Herb held up a gun, and a drop of red lava came out, burning a hole in the floor. He handed the gun to Kevin. It was so heavy Kevin could barely hold it.

  “And finally, Stu,” Herb said. “Stu-art. Stu-perman. Beef Stu. I got you the coolest invention, probably ever. Behold the Hypno-Hat!” Herb handed an orb-shaped helmet to Stuart. As soon as Stuart put it on his head, it began affecting Kevin and Bob. Bob’s eyes rolled back, and he started clucking like a chicken.

  “You can use it to hypnotize anyone. Anyone! But remember: With great power comes a great hat!” Herb added. “It’s unbelievable, but you gotta be
lieve it!”

  Just then, Scarlet entered the lab. She strode over to Herb and wrapped her arms around him. “Oh, Herb,” she cooed. “What Picasso is to paint, you are to illegal weapons and unlicensed, barely tested survival gear.”

  The Minions stood in front of their leader with their new stuff. Scarlet looked down at them, smiling at her new henchmen. She had never been more proud.

  “It’s getting late and you guys have had a big day. You must be exhausted. Let me show you to your room.” She led them to a spare bedroom with massive decorations made out of axes and maces. Then she helped the Minions onto the big bed. Bob began to bounce up and down excitedly. “Boooing! Booooooing!” He laughed.

  “Maybe I should settle you down with a little bedtime story. How does that sound, Bob?”

  Bob stopped bouncing. He asked, “Bedtime porry?”

  Scarlet sat on the edge of the bed. “Once upon a time, there was a magic land, far, far away from here… and in that magic land, there were three little pigs.” She tapped each of the Minions on their head as she said it.

  “One fateful day, the pigs encountered a big bad wolf… who had a wonderful surprise for them! The wolf offered the three piggies and all their friends a job working for her. Everyone would be so happy! It was everything they ever wanted! All the three little piggies had to do was steal ONE LITTLE CROWN that the beautiful wolf had wanted ever since she was a penniless little street kid. Unloved, abandoned. The thought of that crown was the only thing that made this little wolf happy. So she sent the pigs to get that crown.”

  Bob could almost see the story in his head. He imagined the three little Minions as pigs, following their leader around. Scarlet was the biggest, baddest wolf of all. They would travel around the world in her jet, stealing paintings and jewels. Then he imagined them stealing the queen’s crown.

  “But the little pigs were sloppy! They failed their mission!” Scarlet continued.

  “So the wolf huffed and puffed…,” Scarlet started. “And she blew them off the face of the earth!”

  Bob could see it—how Scarlet would kill all three of them if they messed up. She’d squash them like little Minion bugs.

  Her face was bright red. Her eyebrows were two harsh lines. She looked like she might burn holes in their head with her vicious stare.

  “The end,” Scarlet said with a smile. Suddenly, her expression returned to normal. She again patted the Minions on the head one by one. “Good luck getting that crown tomorrow, little piggies! I know you won’t disappoint me.”

  Then she hopped off the bed and closed the door, leaving the piggies… errrr… Minions in darkness. Kevin and Stuart held each other tight, both extremely frightened by Scarlet’s story. They looked over at Bob, hoping he would join them. But he was fast asleep with Tim, his teddy, clutched warmly in his arms.

  Chapter Seven

  The next morning, the Minions headed out. They were off to the Tower of London to go steal the Queen’s crown. The easiest way to get in was through the front door, but they needed tickets for that. So the three friends found an attendant and asked for tickets. The grumpy old woman shook her head, saying, “No children allowed unless accompanied by an adult.” She shooed them away. What they needed was a disguise. So they snuck in by dressing themselves as a woman. Bob hopped onto Stuart’s and Kevin’s shoulders and put on a long dress to cover them. The look was completed by a huge red wig.

  They took off the disguise as they searched the hallways. They soon found a door marked STRICTLY FORBIDDEN. They snuck inside and put on the gear Herb had given them, Bob pulling the Stretch Suit up over his tiny arms.

  As they crept toward the crown jewels room, a group of guards approached. They all wore red jackets and tall, furry black hats with straps around their chins. “What are you doing here?” one of them called out, blocking the doorway.

  “Pasteka?” Kevin asked nervously.

  “This is a restricted area! Hands in the air!” another guard yelled.

  Stuart pushed in front of his friends, moving closer to the guards. He hit the button on the side of his Hypno-Hat and began singing a song he’d heard on the radio in Scarlet’s jet. The guards looked down at his helmet. Their eyes rolled back in their heads. At first, they tried to fight it, but soon they couldn’t. They started dancing around and singing the song. They began to throw off their hats and jackets while they sang, revealing long, wild strands of hair, which they swung along to the beat.

  The Minions knew this was their chance. They ran past the guards and up a long flight of stairs toward the back entrance of the crown jewels room. Scarlet had shown them an intricate map early that morning, which gave them a clear route to the inner rooms of the tower. Now that they’d gotten the guards out of the way, the only thing separating them from the crown was a giant steel door.

  Kevin pulled out his Lava-Lamp Gun and aimed it at the center of the door. His hand trembled as he fired the first blast. The spot of lava melted a hole right through the steel. They waited a moment, letting it cool, before stepping inside.

  There, at the end of the room, was the Queen’s crown. “Topilano la crowna!” Kevin cried, staring at the gleaming gold and jewels. “Comme!”

  They ran toward it, only stopping when a man stepped out of the shadows. His face was covered with deep wrinkles. He had white hair and a cane. “So you came for the Queen’s crown, did you?” he said. “Well, you’re going to have to get through me. The Keeper of the Crown!”

  He was pointing at the other side of the room with his cane, but Kevin realized the old man couldn’t see. He wasn’t even sure where they were. Kevin started laughing, but as soon as the man heard him, he leaned down, whacking Kevin over the head with the cane. He hit him again and again.

  “I’ve been up here for decades, just waiting for someone to try to steal the Queen’s treasure!” the old man yelled.

  “Okay, me le do ay,” Stuart said as he stepped forward. He aimed his helmet at the Keeper of the Crown. Then he brought his hand to the button on the side of it, about to hypnotize him, but the old man was too blind to see the hypnotic rays—it didn’t work!

  The crown’s display case began to lower into the floor. Kevin pointed at it, upset. “Oh no! La crowna!” he yelled.

  “What are you—yellow?” the Keeper yelled. “Come on, fight fair!”

  Kevin aimed the Lava Gun at him, trying to keep the old man back. The man held out his rapier and blocked the end of the gun. When Kevin finally did shoot, the lava splattered all over the room, burning holes through the walls.

  The Minions hopped onto the top of the crown case as it descended into the floor. They needed to get to the crown, but it was enclosed in a tube of glass and metal. Bob used his Stretch Suit arm like a can opener and started prying the top of the case off. Just then, the case stopped lowering and started sliding forward. The doors were about to open and expose them to all of London. Kevin, Stuart, and Bob hid just as the crown was taken by the queen’s guards. Kevin, Stuart, and Bob followed, trying to catch up.

  They ran through the courtyard outside the Tower of London. As they got to the exit, the guards were bringing the crown into a horse-drawn carriage. They ran and ran, as fast as their tiny legs could take them, but the carriage pulled away, taking the crown with it.

  The Minions followed, but the horse-drawn carriage was moving too fast. It was impossible to keep up. Up ahead, there were thousands of people in the street. Everyone was smiling and waving at the woman in the front seat of the carriage. Kevin, Stuart, and Bob realized it was the queen herself. And more than likely, she was wearing the crown… which would make it that much harder to steal.

  When they were just about to give up, Bob remembered his Stretch Suit. Bob made his legs two stories high. He grabbed his friends, one in each arm, and started running after the carriage, trying to catch up to the queen.

  As they got close, they could see the queen waving at the people in the streets. But now, the royal guards were chasing after
them. “Go for the legs!” one yelled as he watched Bob stretch over the crowd.

  One of the guards wrapped his meaty arms around one of Bob’s legs. Bob flung Kevin and Stuart into the carriage as he fell forward, losing his balance.

  Kevin saw his opportunity. He pushed the driver out onto the sidewalk and grabbed the reins. The queen was behind him, screaming as the carriage bumped over the uneven street, the horses startled from all the commotion.

  “Get back here!” another guard yelled. “The queen’s been kidnapped!”

  “What’s going on?” the queen asked, looking around. Stuart settled into the seat beside her. He didn’t answer. Instead, he flung himself at her head, trying to yank off the crown.

  “Gimme la crowna!” he yelled. He put the queen in a headlock, then tried to wrestle the crown away. She broke free and punched him in the face.

  “Gentlemen do not steal ladies’ crowns!” she yelled.

  By now, most of the police knew the queen’s carriage had been hijacked by the Minions. Hundreds of them appeared from out of the crowd, chasing after the carriage as it headed for the River Thames. Bob broke free from one of the guards and chased after the carriage, too, hoping he could get to it before anyone else did. He used his super-stretch arms to pull it back just before it crashed into the river. But he only saved the queen and her crown for a brief moment. His arms acted like a rubber band, sending them all flying back toward the city.

  The carriage was in the air. The queen and the Minions screamed as they headed toward a giant tree that stood in the center of the city square. It was coming closer… closer… They were flying right toward it.…

  Wham! They landed hard, the carriage breaking against the tree trunk. The queen, Kevin, and Stuart all spilled out, dazed.

  Stuart struggled to get away from the crushed carriage. As soon as he broke free, he grabbed the crown from the queen’s head. The queen yanked it back, holding it tight in her arms. “You scoundrel!” she cried. “After them!” she yelled to the police.