A Beginner's Guide To Saying I Do: A laugh-out-loud romantic comedy

by Jennifer Joyce

  ‘I’ve got a new pair of shoes for school,’ LuLu told her. ‘Do you want to see them?’

  ‘Sure.’ Erin followed LuLu up to her very pink bedroom and sat on the bed while LuLu pulled out her neatly folded school uniform and hung it in the wardrobe, ready for the following day. LuLu wasn’t like Erin at this age. At twelve, Erin had been at the rebellious stage that would take her through her teens. Clothes were strewn across her bedroom floor, shoes flung under the bed, and Erin had been more interested in the Year 9 boys than Hello Kitty. But, from an (almost) parental perspective, Erin much preferred LuLu’s way than her own.

  LuLu returned to her bag. Out came her PE kit, the purple unicorn that LuLu still refused to sleep without, and a pair of shiny black leather shoes with a jewel-encrusted bow on the front.

  ‘Aren’t they cute? Faye has a pair exactly like these.’ LuLu held the shoes out towards Erin, her face beaming with pride. ‘Don’t you just love them?’

  ‘I do. They’re very pretty.’

  Beaming wider, LuLu placed the shoes carefully at the bottom of her wardrobe. ‘Kayla is going to be so jealous because she wanted a pair and her mum said no because there’s nothing wrong with her old shoes. She has to wait until they break or they don’t fit. She’s going to be so mad when I show up with them tomorrow. She thinks she’s Faye’s best friend, but she isn’t really. Faye doesn’t even like her.’

  LuLu’s triumph over her new shoes and popularity was cut short by the sudden squeal of the smoke alarm downstairs. Erin gasped and flew into the hall, but it was too late. The smell of burning was already wafting up the stairs and was no doubt filling the kitchen.

  ‘Oh, shit. I’ve ruined the curry.’ Erin forgot all about Amanda’s ‘no swearing in front of the children’ rule as she tore down the stairs. LuLu and Ralph followed closely behind and the three of them joined Richard in the kitchen. He stood in front of the stove, looking down forlornly at the ruined chicken curry.

  ‘Grab your coats,’ Richard said as he removed the pan from the hob. ‘It looks like we’re going out for pizza.’

  Erin shot Richard an apologetic look as they slipped their coats on in the hallway, but when she turned around Ralph was grinning at her. Lifting his hand, he gave her a high-five.

  ‘Thanks for burning dinner. You’re awesome.’

  ‘You’re welcome?’ Erin turned nervously to Richard, but he rolled his eyes and gave her a reassuring smile. This wasn’t the first time she’d cocked up in the kitchen, and he was sure it wouldn’t be the last. It was a good job he wasn’t with her for her cooking skills.

  ‘Erin? Can I wear a bit of your make-up?’ LuLu asked as she zipped up her jacket.

  Erin gave LuLu’s hair a ruffle. ‘I’m afraid not, kiddo.’ That was most definitely against Amanda’s rules.

  Nine

  Ruth

  Before moving in with Jared, I’d shared a house with a couple of blokes. I’d known Billy for as long as I could remember, as he was my brother’s best friend. Theo had made up our little trio and although he could be a bit of a knob at times, we’d got along quite well for a few years. When we’d lived together, Billy and I would always watch our favourite sitcom, A Beginner’s Guide To You, together, and that tradition remained strong even now we no longer lived under the same roof. Somewhere along the way we’d picked up a few more viewers who joined us for our weekly ritual. Jared, Erin and Quinn were now avid viewers, while Richard and Theo joined us when they could. Richard had to drop out occasionally due to parental duties, while Theo only deigned to join us when he wasn’t busy with one of his many lady friends.

  ‘Aren’t the others here yet?’ I asked Billy as he led us into the sitting room, where only Theo and a girl I’d never met before were sitting. She was petite with a mass of brown hair and a lovely olive complexion. She was wearing a pair of tiny orange velour shorts and a matching hoodie and her feet were bare, flashing her co-ordinated orange painted toenails. I took a guess that she was Theo’s latest conquest, but it was hard to tell as Theo had a permanent smug look about his chops. He was lounging on one of the chairs, feet slung over the side, and made no attempt to introduce her.

  ‘Nope, you’re the first to arrive,’ Billy said before indicating the orange-clad girl. ‘This is Casey, our new housemate.’

  ‘What happened to Anya?’

  Billy glared at Theo. ‘He happened to Anya.’

  ‘What? She was hot.’ Theo gave a shrug, as though his sleeping with their housemate couldn’t have been prevented. Theo was notorious for sleeping around before losing interest in the girl, often practically at the point of climax. Like I said, he could be a bit of a knob.

  ‘Let this be a lesson to you,’ I said to Casey as I plonked myself down on the sofa. ‘It’s best to keep your distance from Theo.’

  ‘Oh, don’t worry about me.’ Casey gave a dismissive wave and I noticed her fingernails were also orange. ‘I know not to shit on my own doorstep.’

  That was a good stance to take, in my opinion. I’d fallen foul of defecating too close to home myself in the past, and it wasn’t something I’d recommend.

  ‘Isn’t Richard coming tonight?’ Jared asked when Erin arrived on her own. He made the effort to come to these evenings for my sake, but he didn’t feel entirely comfortable around my old housemates. Having Richard there made it a little easier for him.

  ‘He can’t. He has a meeting at the school.’ Erin pulled a face. ‘They’re planning on scrapping the breakfast club. Ralphie doesn’t even use the breakfast club, but Amanda has dragged Richard along for moral support.’ Erin rolled her eyes. ‘Supporting what? Amanda’s need to be a pain in the arse?’

  We all murmured our disapproval about Richard’s ex-wife. As Erin’s friends, it was our duty. Luckily, Erin had run out of steam (Amanda-bashing could take up an entire evening at times, depending on what Richard’s ex had done) and she nabbed the last seat. It was only an old bean bag that pre-dated any of the housemates, but it was better than the floor, which was all that was available when Quinn arrived.

  ‘My old bones are too rickety for the floor,’ Erin said when Quinn tried to switch with her. ‘You’re a baby in comparison. You’ll cope much better.’

  ‘What is it with floors?’ Casey asked, tucking her feet beneath her on the chair she’d been luckily enough to bag early. ‘I used to lounge on the floor all the time when I was a kid but now I feel ancient, like my body can’t possibly lift itself back up again.’

  ‘Hey, you’re only twenty-seven,’ Billy said. ‘Feeling ancient isn’t allowed. Come back and say that when you’re at least thirty.’

  ‘Thirty is so old,’ Casey said with a grin. Being almost thirty myself, I bristled, but Billy – who had already galloped through that milestone – grinned back at her.

  Hmm, interesting. Was there a little bit of flirting going on here?

  ‘But anyway,’ Erin said as Quinn – the baby of the group at just twenty-two – lowered herself onto the rug. ‘Let’s have a catch up before the show starts. What’s everyone else been up to?’ Erin gave me a meaningful look and I started, realising it was time. Yes, the day had finally come. Jared and I would be announcing our engagement to our friends and then there would be nothing stopping me from yelling about it for the whole world to hear. Once the ring was placed on my finger tonight (it was back from the jewellers and could now sit snugly on my finger), there would be no taking it off and hiding it away ever again.

  ‘Jared and I have an important announcement to make.’ I left a suitable gap to create some all-important anticipation, my gaze shifting from each person in the room, including newcomer Casey. ‘We’re engaged!’

  Quinn squealed and leaped to her feet – and quite sprightly too, despite being down on the floor. She threw her arms around me while Erin put on a convincing act of being totally shocked by the revelation.

  ‘Have you set a date?’ Quinn asked once she’d released me from her congratulatory death-grip.

  �
��Not yet, but we’re looking at venues at the weekend. We’re thinking about next spring.’ I grabbed my handbag and fished in my purse for the ring, which earned a round of gasps from the girls as I finally slipped it onto my finger permanently.

  ‘What do you think?’ I flashed the ring at Theo, who barely raised his eyes to look.

  ‘Very nice. Are we watching this or what?’ Theo pointed in the vague direction of the telly.

  ‘Theo!’ Quinn glared at him through moist eyes. ‘Ruth and Jared are engaged. Don’t you think that’s more important than a bunch of fictional characters?’

  Actually, as fictitious as Meg and Tom were, I was itching to know what was going on in their lives. Last week Tom had announced his own engagement to Parker, an annoying American woman who was – unbeknown to poor Tom – only after a UK visa. She didn’t love Tom at all, but then Tom was obviously in love with Meg, even if he didn’t realise it himself yet.

  ‘We could always celebrate later. If everyone wants to watch, that is.’ I looked around the room, gauging whether everyone was on board or thought I was a complete monster.

  Quinn flopped back onto the rug when it became clear that everyone else was in agreement. ‘Doesn’t anyone have a romantic bone in their body around here?’

  ‘Nobody is saying that TV is more important than my engagement.’ Except Theo, perhaps. ‘It’s just that Tom and Parker are getting married too, so maybe I can pick up some tips from them.’ Lord knows I needed some tips, from whoever was offering, whether they were real people or not.

  ‘Hey, maybe you’ll get married at the same time as Tom.’ This idea seemed to cheer Quinn slightly and she grinned up at me.

  ‘You’ll have to hurry up,’ Theo said. ‘The season finale is in seven weeks and the wedding is bound to happen then. Of course Meg will stop the wedding right at the last minute and pledge undying love for her best friend.’ He rolled his eyes at the predictability of it all, yet remained seated, waiting for it to start.

  ‘Seven weeks?’ I spluttered. ‘I’ll need way more than that to plan a whole wedding. I don’t think even seven months would be enough.’

  ‘It’s funny, it feels like I’ve been hearing about it for a lot longer than seven months already.’ Theo grabbed the remote and turned the volume up. ‘Now shush and watch.’

  ‘Are you okay with all of this?’ The show had long finished and we were getting ready to leave. I’d taken the opportunity to pull Billy aside for a quick chat. ‘You know, the engagement and everything?’ I waggled my finger at him, enjoying the way the light caught the jewels on the ring.

  ‘Yeah, of course I am. I’m happy for you.’ Billy glanced over my shoulder before placing a hand on my arm. ‘Jared is a good bloke and he makes you happy.’

  ‘He does.’ I couldn’t help the grin from spreading across my face. ‘And you’ve got Jane now.’

  Billy screwed up his face. ‘Actually no, I haven’t. We split up.’

  ‘It wasn’t because of …’ I couldn’t say the rest out loud, so simply waved a hand between Billy and myself. Billy’s last two girlfriends had dumped him because he’d been in love with me. Talk about pooping on your own doorstep, eh? Still, that was a long time ago and Billy had assured me that his momentary lapse in sanity had been rectified.

  ‘No, nothing like that. She was offered a job promotion that meant she had to move to St Helens. I know it isn’t that far away, but our relationship was never that serious, so we’ve decided to just call it quits.’

  ‘That’s a shame. I liked Jane.’ And Billy having a girlfriend helped to ease my guilt over Billy’s unrequited crush.

  ‘Yeah, she’s great but she’s just not for me.’ Billy averted his gaze and his cheeks started to turn pink. ‘Anyway, I’ve sort of got my eye on somebody else.’

  I gasped, pouncing on the juicy bit of gossip. ‘Who is it?’

  Billy scratched the back of his neck, still unable to meet my eye. ‘I don’t want to say. I’m not sure they feel the same way.’

  ‘It’s Theo, isn’t it? You’ve finally fallen for his charm.’ My joke broke the strained atmosphere and Billy and I grinned at each other. ‘Seriously, who is it? It’s Casey, isn’t it?’

  Billy opened his mouth to speak but closed it again when he saw Jared approach.

  ‘Are you ready?’

  I nodded and grabbed my jacket. Pulling Billy into a farewell hug, I whispered that I would find out who she was, which made Billy blush again. Saying goodbye to the others, Jared and I made our way out to the car. My engagement ring glinted under a nearby streetlight as I reached for the door, so I stopped to admire it for a moment. Gazing at it would never grow old.

  ‘Erin already knew about the engagement, didn’t she?’ Jared asked.

  I gaped at Jared, preparing to give an affronted speech about trust, but then I thought, sod it. It would be no use lying. Jared knew me too well.

  ‘Yeah, she knew.’ I climbed into the car so that I didn’t have to face Jared’s reaction, but he simply chuckled to himself.

  ‘I knew you couldn’t keep it a secret.’

  I stuck my tongue out at Jared as he climbed in beside me. ‘I can’t help it if I’m incredibly excited that I’m marrying the man I love. Aren’t you excited too?’

  ‘Of course I am.’ Jared leaned across to kiss me. ‘I can’t wait to marry you.’

  I gazed at my beautiful ring once more. I seriously couldn’t keep my eyes away from it. ‘We’re going to live happily ever after, aren’t we?’

  ‘I’ll make sure we do.’

  Ten

  Trina

  Trina stretched out her foot, straining to catch a tiny ray of sunlight with her toe, but it seemed that would be a stretch too far.

  ‘Darling.’ Reaching out, Trina’s fingers brushed against Rory’s thigh. He snorted once before his regular snoring resumed. ‘Darling.’ Her tone sharper this time, Trina gave her husband a poke.

  ‘Hmm?’ Rory stretched his arms above his head, wincing at the pain the movement caused. He was still sunburned from the beach a few days earlier, his skin taut and pink.

  ‘Do you think we could do something?’

  ‘We are doing something, babe.’ Rory flung his forearm over his eyes and stifled a yawn. ‘We’re relaxing.’

  Relaxing. That’s all Rory had done since their disastrous outing on the boat. Trina had been sympathetic to begin with. Rory’s skin was so tight, and it had even started to blister in places, so any form of movement was agonising. She’d drawn him cool baths and applied after-sun creams with a gentle touch, and she hadn’t even complained when Rory refused to leave the safety of their hotel room. But Trina’s patience was wearing dangerously thin. It was their honeymoon and they were wasting their precious time together. Once they were home, normal life would resume and their time would be consumed with work and family commitments.

  ‘But don’t you want to go out?’

  ‘We are out.’ Rory’s voice was already thick with sleep.

  Technically, this was true. Rory had finally emerged from their hotel room but hadn’t made it more than a foot away from the building. They hadn’t even joined the other holidaymakers by the pool, and had instead dragged a couple of sun loungers to the safety of the shade under a huge tree. Rory had taken the precaution of wearing a pair of baggy jogging bottoms (they were two sizes too big but there hadn’t been much choice in the hotel’s gift shop) and a long-sleeved T-shirt with the hotel’s logo emblazoned on the front. He wore a floppy hat and layer upon layer of factor fifty. He wasn’t taking any chances.

  ‘I meant, don’t you want to go on excursions and things? Or even have a wander along the beach?’

  Rory propped himself up on his sun lounger and glared at his wife. ‘Are you kidding? Do you know how agonising sunburn is?’

  Trina had a pretty good idea. Rory had been very vocal about the experience.

  ‘But it’s getting better now.’ Rory’s skin had started to peel, much like a snake shedding
its skin. Bits of dried-up flesh wasn’t what Trina had envisioned waking up to on her honeymoon, but it was what she’d been treated to so far. ‘It doesn’t seem to be causing you too many problems any more.’

  ‘Well, that shows how much attention you pay.’ Rory dropped back down onto his sun lounger. ‘I happen to be in excruciating pain. Speaking of which, can you pass me the sun cream? It’s time to reapply.’

  ‘But you only put it on ten minutes ago.’ And there wasn’t much skin on display to slather the cream onto, anyway.

  ‘Do you want me to burn again?’ Rory’s voice was so sharp it made Trina jump. ‘Is that it? You actually want me to be in pain?’

  ‘Of course not.’ Trina picked up the factor fifty and handed it to her husband. ‘I just don’t think it’s necessary yet.’

  ‘Just like you didn’t think it was necessary to remind me to top up last time.’ Rory gave the bottle a violent squeeze, sending a jet of cream onto the palm of his hand. It was way too much for the three centimetres of uncovered skin. ‘I’m not in any hurry to take your advice. Mother says I should stay out of the sun and that’s what I intend to do.’

  ‘Your mum? When did you speak to her?’

  Rory slathered his face with the cream. ‘On the day it happened, of course. You clearly didn’t know what you were doing so I phoned Mother while you went in search of the after-sun cream.’

  He’d phoned his mother? ‘Oh.’ Trina didn’t know what else to say. She’d assumed – possibly naively – that he’d stopped running to his mother whenever he’d hurt himself years ago.

  ‘She also said I should drink plenty of water.’ Rory swapped the sun cream for a bottle of water, taking a lengthy gulp. ‘And rest. Which is what I intend to do.’ Rory placed the bottle of water on the little table he’d dragged over from the poolside and settled down once more. Defeated, Trina looked out towards the pool, which was bright and alive with the laughter of joyful holidaymakers. She longed to strip off her sarong and submerge herself in the water, basking in the glorious sunshine. If she spent any more time under that damn tree she was going to return home with a vitamin D deficiency.