A Beginner's Guide To Saying I Do: A laugh-out-loud romantic comedy

by Jennifer Joyce

  ‘Places, please!’ Ingrid marched up and down the rows of bridesmaids and groomsmen, nodding her approval or making adjustments as she went along. ‘Very good. Straighten that sloppy tie. No gum! Spit it out immediately. Very nice. Lovely.’ With a final nod, Ingrid threw open the doors of the ceremonial room and stepped aside to allow Lindsay and Kelvin to glide down the aisle towards Frank to the gentle sound of the harp. Timing it to perfection, Ingrid sent the bridesmaids and groomsmen couples down the aisle at intervals. Erin grasped Richard’s arm as they followed the bride, her eyes roaming the congregation. There she was. Amanda. Suppressing a giggle into a lacy handkerchief when she clapped eyes on Erin.

  Bitch.

  The ceremony began, with hymns (several) and readings (too many) before maid of honour Helen and one of the groomsmen made their way to the front. The intro to ‘Endless Love’ began and the pair began to sing. It was so cringe-worthy, it made Erin’s entire body itch, but then how could she judge anyone, dressed as she was?

  Finally, the vows were exchanged (written by the bride and groom themselves and corny beyond belief). Luckily, Lindsay and Ingrid knew how to throw a decent, alcohol-filled party and once the essentials had been carried out – the throwing of confetti and three million photos of every conceivable combination of guests – the wedding party moved through to the hotel’s bar for pre-dinner drinks and nibbles. A video booth had been set up in an alcove, with instructions to share a story about the bride or groom or give advice for a long and happy marriage, and a basket of mini bottles of bubbles invited guests to ‘fill the room with bubbles and love’. Every surface was covered with ribbons or balloons or sequined hearts – or all three.

  Erin and the children found a vacant table, while Richard went to the bar. He would be a while, judging by the crowd; there had been a mass exodus to the free alcohol as soon as the doors had opened. Annie had been first in the queue.

  ‘Are you hungry?’ Erin asked the children. There were various ‘stations’ dotted around the vast room: a fruit station to make your own fruity kebabs, a crisps and dip station, an ice cream bar to create your own sundaes, a fish and chips station with mini portions in newspaper cones, as well as popcorn and candyfloss-makers.

  ‘I want ice cream,’ Ralph declared, jumping to his feet.

  ‘I want pink candyfloss.’ LuLu was about to pop out of her seat, but a hand on her shoulder held her in place.

  ‘No sugar before dinner.’ Amanda guided her son back to his seat while glaring at Erin. ‘Are you trying to ruin my children’s health and teeth?’

  Erin was very aware of her absurd outfit, but she decided to brazen it out. ‘It was just a little treat. We are at a wedding.’

  ‘That’s no excuse!’ Amanda stalked the area, narrowed eyes scoping the room. Her nude six-inch heels made her legs appear to go on forever. Richard’s ex may have been a bitch but she had amazing pins. ‘Where’s Richard?’

  ‘He’s at the bar.’ Erin pointed him out. He was still nowhere near being served, unfortunately.

  ‘Typical!’ Amanda placed a hand on her hip. Her long nails were painted a chilling blood-red, and Erin suppressed a shudder. ‘I place my children in the care of the two of you and what do you do? You load them up with junk while you get plastered. Ever heard of responsibility?’

  ‘Ever heard of relaxing and having a good time?’ Erin knew she shouldn’t rise to the bait, but she couldn’t seem to bite her tongue. ‘All this stress can’t be good for you, Mandy.’

  ‘My name is Amanda. And I wouldn’t be so stressed if I knew I could trust Richard to take proper care of our children.’

  ‘He takes excellent care of the children!’ How dare she state otherwise? Richard loved his children and would do everything in his power to keep them safe and happy, including putting up with their gobshite mother and her ridiculous rules.

  ‘By your standards, maybe.’ Amanda’s nostrils twitched as though she’d got a whiff of dog shit in the air but was too polite to point it out. ‘But my children mean the world to me. I want nothing but the very best for them. You wouldn’t understand, not being a mother yourself.’ Amanda lifted her chin in the air. ‘Come on, you two. You can sit with me so I can keep a proper eye on you.’

  Erin watched as LuLu and Ralph dutifully followed their mother, all hope of the coveted ice cream and candyfloss vanishing. They would have to make do with a fruit kebab. And what could Erin do about it? Amanda was their mother and Erin was – well, just Erin.

  Richard eventually arrived with a tray of drinks, frowning when he found Erin alone.

  ‘Where are LuLu and Ralph?’ His eyes flicked to the food stations, but the children were nowhere to be seen.

  ‘With Amanda.’ Erin pointed at a table as far away from her as Amanda could find. Amanda, sitting with the children and Susan, gave a triumphant flick of her hair when she spotted Erin looking in her direction. ‘I made the mistake of saying LuLu and Ralphie could have ice cream and candyfloss. No sugar before dinner.’ Erin adopted a high-pitched mocking tone for the latter part.

  ‘But what’s wrong with that? It’s a special occasion.’

  ‘You know what she’s like.’ Erin picked up her drink – a diet coke, as it happened – and took a sip. ‘She doesn’t think I’m suitable to supervise her children.’

  ‘She said that?’

  ‘No, but it’s why she causes all this fuss. You’d be better off if I wasn’t on the scene. It’d be simpler for you all.’

  ‘Not for me.’ Richard held out a hand to Erin. ‘Come on, I’ve had enough of this.’

  Erin scurried after Richard as he strode off towards his ex-wife. Amanda gave a sweet smile as they approached.

  ‘Richard, how lovely of you to come and see your children.’ Amanda turned to LuLu and Ralph, who were picking at a fruit kebab with little enthusiasm. ‘Say hello to your dad.’

  ‘Don’t do that, Amanda.’ Richard’s authoritative tone surprised them all. He’d never stood up to Amanda, either in their marriage or out of it. ‘Don’t speak to me as though I’m some shady, absent father. LuLu and Ralph are supposed to be with me today.’

  ‘Supposed to be, yes.’ Amanda folded her arms across her chest and cocked her head to one side. ‘But that doesn’t entail getting drunk while they’re in your care.’

  ‘Getting drunk on those soft drinks over there, you mean?’ Richard pointed at the cokes still sitting on their table, but Amanda wasn’t knocked off her course.

  ‘I still think they’re better off with me – under the circumstances.’

  ‘What circumstances?’

  Amanda eyed Erin, arching an eyebrow threaded to within an inch of its life. She didn’t say anything. She didn’t have to.

  ‘This stops now, Amanda.’ Richard didn’t raise his voice, but his tone conveyed his anger. ‘I am not playing your games any more. I’m with Erin and it’s about time you accepted that.’

  Amanda gave a hoot. ‘You think I’m jealous? I divorced you, don’t forget. Erin is welcome to you, but my children will not suffer. I am their mother and I know what’s best for them. She is nothing.’

  ‘Erin is my girlfriend.’ Richard threaded his fingers through Erin’s and pulled her close. ‘And you cannot dictate to us how we live our lives. If I want Erin to stay over, she can. If we want to take the children to a family function, we will, without you lording it over us. I am their father. I also know what’s best for them, and your bitterness isn’t it.’

  ‘Bitter?’ Amanda placed a hand on her chest. ‘I’m simply looking out for my children’s welfare. And that girlfriend of yours is detrimental to that.’

  ‘Actually, Amanda.’ Susan leaned towards her former daughter-in-law. ‘From what I’ve seen, Erin has always been very good to the kiddies.’

  Amanda’s mouth dropped open. She closed it. Then opened it again. ‘You’re defending her?’

  Susan leaned back in her chair and held her hands up. ‘I’m just saying it how it is. No need to attack
me for that.’

  Amanda tittered. ‘I’m not attacking you, Susan. I’m surprised, that’s all. I didn’t know you were so chummy with Erin.’ There was panic in Amanda’s eyes. She was losing her ally. How else was she supposed to keep up to date with Richard without his mother being on her side?

  ‘We’re not chummy, but we’re not enemies either.’ That was news to Erin. ‘I think she’s good for Richard. And for LuLu and Ralph.’

  Susan must have been hitting the champers hard. She’d never had a nice word to say about her son’s girlfriend before.

  ‘Well!’ Amanda, for once in her life, was lost for words.

  ‘Let them live their lives, Amanda. You didn’t want Richard. Why can’t he be happy with someone else?’ Susan patted Amanda’s arm before she turned to her grandchildren. ‘You two don’t seem very interested in those. How about an ice cream instead?’

  ‘Can I have candyfloss?’ LuLu asked.

  ‘Candyfloss it is.’ Susan ambled after the children, who tore off towards the confectionery before it was snatched away from them again. Richard sat in his mother’s vacated seat and faced his wife.

  ‘We need to sort this, once and for all.’

  ‘I don’t want her near my children.’ Amanda wasn’t ready to give up yet, no matter how many she was battling against.

  ‘I’m afraid that isn’t up to you. Erin is part of my life. She loves me and she loves those children.’

  ‘They are not hers to love!’

  ‘But she loves them anyway, and she isn’t going away. Don’t make our children suffer.’

  Amanda pursed her lips. ‘I could take away access like that.’ She snapped her fingers, a self-satisfied grin spreading across her lips, but it dimmed slightly as Richard shook his head.

  ‘No, Amanda. We are not playing this game again. If you stop me from seeing them, we’ll go to court to agree on a more formal access arrangement.’

  Amanda narrowed her eyes. ‘You always said we’d keep them out of court.’

  ‘That was because I trusted you to do the right thing. You take them away and I’ll have no choice. Think about that.’

  Richard rose from his seat and, taking Erin by the hand, led her back to their own table. LuLu and Ralph soon joined them with their candyfloss and ice cream, while Amanda made her excuses before slinking away.

  Forty

  Ruth

  Erin grumbled as she switched from the passenger seat of Quinn’s car to the back to accommodate me and my ‘travel-sickness’.

  ‘You do know I’m well aware that you don’t get travel-sick, don’t you?’ Erin asked as we set off for Linda’s house to pick up Jimmy. The four of us were going shopping for bridesmaids’ dresses and accessories. Great fat butterflies took flight in my tummy and it was nothing to do with being in motion. In thirteen days I would become Mrs Williams.

  ‘You will let me know in plenty of time if you’re going be sick, won’t you?’ Quinn asked, no doubt worrying about her car’s interior. I didn’t blame her – who wanted to drive around in a vomit-mobile?

  ‘She isn’t going to be sick.’ Erin shifted in her seat, ensuring her knees jabbed into my back through the seat.

  ‘I deserve to sit in the front.’ I didn’t bother to deny my lack of motion sickness – I wasn’t pulling the wool over Erin’s eyes, so what was the point? ‘I am the bride-to-be.’ I turned to stick my tongue out at Erin. ‘So there.’

  ‘Behave, you two.’ Quinn gave a weary little sigh. ‘You’re supposed to set a good example to young Jimmy, and you’re behaving like a couple of toddlers.’

  ‘Sorry, Mum.’ I turned to smirk at Erin as we both chimed the words.

  Quinn, ignoring us, drove towards Linda’s house, where we picked Jimmy up before heading into town. There wasn’t a great deal left in the wedding fund, but it could just about stretch to bridesmaids’ dresses from the high street.

  ‘What do you think of this one?’ I pulled a blue draped jersey dress from the rail, but Quinn shook her head.

  ‘It’s a bit … boring.’

  ‘After the dress I wore yesterday, boring isn’t always a bad thing,’ Erin said. I couldn’t wait to see the photos from Lindsay’s wedding, just for a laugh. Erin had vowed that nobody who knew her would ever get a glimpse of them, but I would find a way.

  ‘But we want something a bit more special.’ Quinn threw an arm around me. ‘It is Ruth’s big day.’

  ‘What do you think?’ I asked Jimmy. She looked up from her phone with a slightly bewildered look on her face.

  ‘That dress? Yes, it’s nice.’

  I replaced the dress. Quinn was right. ‘Nice’ wasn’t good enough for my bridesmaids.

  ‘How about this one?’ I plucked a coral midi dress with a thin gold belt from the rail, but soon put it back when it received three firm head shakes.

  ‘What’s Riley wearing?’ Quinn asked as we moved to the next section.

  ‘It’s a baby-pink party dress with a ruffled bodice and netted skirt.’ Aubrey had emailed me a photo of Riley wearing the dress, and she’d looked adorable.

  ‘Maybe we should wear something pink too,’ Quinn suggested, running her fingers along the assortment of fabrics.

  ‘But not baby pink.’ Erin was adamant about that. She was not a baby-pink sort of girl.

  ‘What’s wrong with baby pink?’ Quinn was firmly in the baby-pink camp.

  ‘Nothing. If you’re a baby.’ Erin moved along the section, pausing for a moment before selecting a raspberry-pink chiffon maxi dress with a halter-neck. Quinn pounced on it immediately, holding it up against her before she rifled through the rail to find her size.

  ‘Special enough?’ I asked and Quinn nodded.

  ‘Definitely special enough. What do you think, Jimmy?’

  Jimmy nodded. ‘I like it too.’

  ‘I love it.’ Quinn, having found her size, skipped off towards the changing rooms. Erin and Jimmy grabbed their sizes and followed. Twenty minutes later we left the shop laden with shopping bags and with another item ticked off my to-do list.

  ‘That was easy enough, but I think it’s time we stopped for an energising tea and cake break. My treat.’ Shopping always made me hungry, even when I wasn’t shopping for myself.

  ‘Do you mind if I head off?’ Jimmy asked. ‘I said I’d meet somebody.’

  I met Erin’s eye and couldn’t help smirking. ‘Is “somebody” a boy?’

  Jimmy’s cheeks matched the raspberry pink in her shopping bag. ‘Maybe.’ She bit her lip. ‘You won’t tell Mum and Dad, will you? Or Jared?’

  ‘Of course not.’ Jared was clearly keeping secrets from me with his little wedding day surprise (which I still hadn’t managed to coax out of him), so why shouldn’t I keep one of my own? ‘Will you be okay getting home afterwards?’

  ‘I’ll get the bus.’

  ‘With your friend?’ Erin asked and I nudged her as Jimmy’s cheeks turned an alarming shade.

  ‘Have fun,’ I said and Jimmy nodded shyly before shuffling away. We watched her until she disappeared into the crowds.

  ‘Wouldn’t you love to be that young again?’ Quinn sighed.

  ‘You practically are that young,’ I pointed out. And no, I wouldn’t go back to my teenage years for anything. ‘Shall we go and eat? I’m starving.’

  We headed to a cute little tearoom just off the high street and ordered giant slabs of carrot cake. It was too late for any wedding diets now – and I hadn’t even started one in the first place. I wasn’t a fan of dieting; I’d been there, done that and I still didn’t fit in the T-shirt.

  ‘This is exactly what I needed.’ Erin stabbed her cake and shoved a forkful into her mouth.

  ‘So how was Lindsay’s wedding?’ Quinn asked. ‘Was it as tacky as you feared?’

  Erin chewed furiously and took a sip of tea. ‘It was so over the top. They had lawn games and the cake had about ten tiers. When they made a toast, they brought out champagne and the flutes were engraved with each gu
est’s name. And you should have seen the favours. They weren’t so much favours as goody bags. Mine had a Yankee candle, a mini bottle of champagne, bath salts and a CD of love songs.’

  ‘That sounds amazing,’ Quinn said.

  I thought it sounded expensive.

  ‘There was a sort of quiz for us to fill in between courses too. It had things like “where did Frank propose?” and “what shall we call our children?”’ Erin looked at Quinn. ‘You’d have loved it.’

  Quinn adopted a dreamy look. ‘I so would.’ She turned to me then. ‘I can’t believe there are less than two weeks until you and Jared get married. You must be so excited.’

  I nodded. ‘I am. Really excited. But I’m also a bit nervous.’

  ‘Are you scared you’re going to mess up your vows and make a complete knob of yourself in front of all your friends and family?’ Quinn asked. ‘That happened to my cousin. She got so muddled up, she got her own name wrong. She was so embarrassed, she started crying and the priest had to start all over again.’

  How reassuring. ‘No, that’s not what I’m worried about.’ Although I was sure I would start to worry about that now too.

  ‘But I’m sure that won’t happen to you!’ Quinn grinned at me and I tried to return the gesture.

  ‘No, I’m sure it won’t.’ Gulp. ‘So the wedding went well then, Erin? No hiccups or humiliation?’

  ‘Not for the bride.’ Erin pulled a face. ‘But there was some drama. One of the bridesmaids kicked off. It turns out she was with Frank first and she was still in love with him.’

  ‘No!’ Quinn and I were wide-eyed, wishing we’d been there to witness the events unfold. It sounded like an episode of Corrie.