Reach For the Spy

by Diane Henders

  The last scream tore my throat as I bolted upright on the hillside. Flailing free of the blanket, I crouched gasping in the grass. When the nightmare finally dissipated I whimpered and collapsed back onto the blanket. The cold moon poured its indifferent light over me while I lay shivering, catching my breath. After a few minutes, I dragged myself to my feet.

  Through the open windows of my house below, I heard the ringing of my phone. I sighed and made my quivering way down the hill and inside. No rush. They’d call back.

  Sure enough, as I was closing the windows the phone rang again. I picked up without bothering to check the call display.

  “Hello?” I mumbled.

  “Aydan? It’s Tom Rossburn. Is everything okay over there?”

  “Huh?” I’d been expecting silence on the other end of the line. “Uh, yeah, everything’s fine. Why?”

  “I’m up tonight with a colicky horse, and I heard screaming.”

  “Oh.”

  I thumped my head with my free hand. Jeez, as if the bloody bugs weren’t enough. Now the neighbours had me under surveillance, too. “Thanks for checking up on me, but everything’s fine.”

  “Okay, sorry to bother you. I guess it must have been a wild animal.”

  “It’s okay. I hope your horse gets better soon.”

  “Thanks. Bye.”

  “Bye.”

  I dragged myself into the bedroom and fell into bed.

  The phone rang.

  “Unnnggghh!” I flopped over to check the illuminated clock. Three thirty. I groaned and pressed my face into the pillow.

  I fumbled the receiver up to my ear. “Hello?”

  “Hey, you hot bitch. Wanna party?”

  “Wha...? No! Who is this?”

  “Come on, I got good money. How much for a little party?”

  “You’ve got the wrong number.” I slammed the phone down. Seconds later, it rang again.

  I picked up. “What!”

  “You’re gonna be nice to me, bitch. I know where you live. I’m gonna come over, and we’ll have ourselves a party. Just you and me.”

  Fear turned to fury so quickly I barely registered the transition. “Listen, you bag of shit, if you come anywhere near here, I’ll blow your fucking nuts off with a twelve-gauge. So come on over. Right now, asshole. Right fucking now!”

  My only response was a click when the caller disconnected. I slammed the phone back into its cradle and collapsed onto the bed, trembling and hyperventilating. I was so mad and scared, the threat about the twelve-gauge was probably superfluous. I’d rip his nuts off with my bare hands.

  I gradually brought my breathing under control and willed my shaking muscles to relax. I’d never be safer than I was right now. Thanks to the bugs and the phone tap, Stemp’s minions would undoubtedly have a guard on my house faster than my unknown caller could get here, and the guard would probably stick around for the rest of the night.

  I almost hoped the stupid asshole caller did show up. Wouldn’t he get a hell of a surprise.

  Chapter 19

  I groaned and buried my head in the pillow. Normally, I’m a morning person. Not so this morning. I swore at the cheery clamour of birdsong from outside and stomped over to slam the window shut. Then I burrowed back into the bed and clamped the pillow over my head.

  Several hours later I emerged, feeling less than refreshed. I scowled at my baggy-eyed reflection in the mirror and bitched my way into the shower. Resting my forehead on the shower wall, I let the water pour down my back for a long time, trying to ease muscles stiffened from my wild run.

  After breakfast, I glared at the clock, irritated that half my morning was gone. I creaked my way out of my chair and headed for the garden.

  A couple of hours of pleasantly mindless work in the warm sun eased my tense muscles and frazzled nerves. If Stemp had put a guard on me last night, the guard was either really good, or else he was gone. Nobody disturbed my peaceful solitude.

  Back at Sirius Dynamics, my heart started to thump before I was even inside the building. I leaned against my car and concentrating on breathing deeply and evenly.

  Kane emerged from the building and glanced both ways before striding across the street toward me. He stopped a couple of paces away and activated a small electronic device, apparently scanning for bugs again.

  After a moment, he looked up. “Walk with me.”

  I fell in beside him and we ambled down the sidewalk. Anything that postponed going back into Sirius was fine with me.

  When we were out of visual range of the building, he finally spoke. “You had some excitement at your place last night.”

  I sighed. “Yeah.”

  “We traced the call. It came from the pay phone in the lobby of the Silverside Hotel.”

  “Gee, there’s a surprise. I don’t think it was Harks, though. His voice is wheezier.”

  Kane lifted a shoulder in irritation. “We have no way of knowing who it was. I questioned the desk clerk, but he said he didn’t notice anybody using the phone last night. Either he was lying, or he has the intellectual capacity of a flea. I’m leaning toward the latter.”

  I looked up at him. “You look as tired as I feel.”

  “Probably because I spent half of last night skulking around your yard.”

  “I wondered about that. Doesn’t Stemp realize that you do actually need to sleep at times?”

  “Actually, yes. He’s pulling Germain up from Calgary today. It seems like a waste of resources to me, but Stemp says he’s not sparing any expense to make sure you’re protected.”

  “I’m flattered.”

  Kane snorted. “Too bad he won’t give you what you really need.”

  I gazed up at him uncertainly.

  “I talked to Stemp again this morning,” Kane said. “He’s still not willing to compromise with the network key. I’m sorry. He insists it has to stay below-ground.”

  I gave him my best nonchalant shrug. “No surprise.”

  I felt his eyes on me, and kept my face composed.

  “Aydan...” He hesitated. “I know you have reasons for hiding your emotions. But if you keep hiding how much this is bothering you, Stemp will never budge. And we both know your problems in the network are getting worse, not better.”

  “I won’t go whining to him.”

  “Aydan!” He blew out a frustrated breath. “For once in your life, will you just...”

  “Just what?” I spun to face him. “Just show weakness to the one person who’s most likely to exploit it? I don’t think so. Come on.” I turned and started walking back toward Sirius.

  He paced beside me in silence for a block or so. Then he turned to me again. “Aydan?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Just... let yourself bend a little. So you don’t break.”

  I sighed. “I’ll try. Thanks for being concerned.”

  Buried in the lab again, I blew out a long breath, trying to ease my shoulders down from around my ears.

  I regarded Spider’s pale, worried face with remorse. “Spider, I’m so sorry about yesterday. It was just a sim, remember. No different than the movies you watch all the time.”

  He gulped. “I know. It was just so... sudden. And so real. But... I think what bothered me most was that it came from you. That it’s inside your head.” He shuddered, his eyes darkening.

  I squeezed his hand. “Hey, Spider, don’t forget, you’ve got awful-looking things inside your head, too. You watch all those slasher movies. All that stuff’s inside your head. If it suddenly came out in a sim, it would shock everybody else, but you’d know where it came from. You’d know it wasn’t real.”

  His shoulders eased a fraction as his face cleared. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. Thanks, Aydan.”

  I patted his hand. “No problem. It’s just context, that’s all.” I changed the subject. “Am I looking for anything specific today?”

  “No, back to the regular files today.” He surveyed my trembling hands. “Aydan,” he said hesitant
ly. “Are you sure you should be doing this? Maybe you should take the day off.” He shot Kane a questioning glance. “Shouldn’t she?”

  Kane scowled. “If you can convince her, you’re a better man than I am.”

  “Aydan...” Spider entreated.

  “How about if we compromise. I’ll make it a short day.”

  “Okay,” he agreed.

  I closed my eyes and drifted into the void. All was inky darkness. With an effort of will, I resisted the urge to give in to fear and step back out the portal.

  “Hey, Spider, what’s going on?” I asked, holding my voice determinedly steady.

  “I don’t know,” his puzzled voice came back. “Nothing’s changed in the network.”

  I waved my arms blindly and stifled a small shriek when I touched something warm. I jumped away, flailing my arms. More things touched me in the dark. I bit down on rising whimpers.

  The darkness was as thick as used motor oil. As the thought occurred to me, my breath stopped and acrid suffocating pressure filled my nose and mouth. Unable to speak, I churned desperately through the blackness with the last oxygen in my lungs.

  I couldn’t see the portal.

  I circled wildly, lungs bursting while I swung my arms, hoping to make contact.

  I couldn’t escape.

  Trapped!

  Strangling...

  “Aydan! Aydan! What’s happening?”

  Blackness filled me as I collapsed, my body heaving with the effort to inhale.

  No air.

  My hammering heart slowed. I floated weightlessly as the last beats faded.

  Chapter 20

  Kane’s lips pressed hard against mine. Then he started crushing his fist into my chest. My eyes snapped into focus. “Ow!”

  “Aydan!” Kane’s tense face loomed over me as he pressed his fingers against the pulse in my neck.

  “What? Ow,” I whimpered as my breath lifted my bruised chest.

  “Thank God.” He brushed my face with his fingertips, his touch feather-light. “I’m sorry,” he murmured inexplicably.

  I shook my head, trying to comprehend what was happening. I was lying on the floor of the lab again. That was getting old. I tried to sit up, but Kane gently restrained me.

  “No, lie still for a while.” His fingers still pressed against my pulse.

  Spider skidded around the corner, white-faced. “It’s open. Ambulance is on the way.”

  “Good.” Kane picked me up off the floor and carried me toward the door.

  “What did I tell you about carrying me?” I demanded. “Put me down, for crying out loud.”

  “Oh, thank God,” Spider quavered.

  “Aydan, shut up,” Kane said. I opened my mouth to express outrage. “Please,” he added quietly.

  Something in his face made me subside. I clearly didn’t have the whole story here. I lay passively in his arms while he carried me up the stairs and through the open time-delay chamber.

  “What happened?” I asked, trying to distract myself from the stares of the bystanders while we passed through the lobby.

  He laid me onto the stretcher. “We’ll talk later.”

  When the paramedics brought me into the hospital, I recognized Wing B, the area reserved for Sirius Dynamics covert personnel. Déjà vu. After my repeated visits in the spring, I’d hoped not to see it again for a while. A long while.

  Dr. Roth’s piercing eyes raked me as she strode along beside the stretcher. “Are you causing trouble again?”

  I grimaced. “Apparently.”

  She briefly checked the IV the paramedics had inserted in my hand on the way over and eyed the digital display on the monitors. “Take her straight to the MRI,” she told the porter, and he nodded and wheeled me away.

  Outside the MRI, I managed to persuade her I was able to get off the stretcher and change into a gown instead of having my clothing cut off. Little victories.

  “I’m fine, really,” I assured her. “Nothing hurts. Well, except my chest.”

  “That happens when you get CPR,” the doctor responded wryly. “Are you claustrophobic?”

  I frowned at her in confusion. “Yes, but what does that have to do with CPR?”

  “Nothing. It has to do with the MRI. I’ll give you a sedative, and then we can get started.”

  “Can we skip the sedative?”

  She frowned. “Why? If you’re claustrophobic, I think you should have it.”

  “I hate being sedated. And I want to be able to drive home.”

  “Okay,” she agreed dubiously. “We’ll see how it goes.”

  She wedged my body in place on the table of the MRI, and my heart began to pound when I eyed the opening. It looked really small.

  Dr. Roth glanced at the monitors and gave me a sharp look. “Your heart rate is increasing. Do you want that sedative now?”

  “No, I’m fine.” I took a deep breath.

  The MRI was just a hollow tube. Open at both ends. I could get out if I had to. No worries.

  The doctor pressed a soft object into my hand. “If you feel panicky during the procedure, don’t move, just squeeze this.”

  I sucked in another shallow breath when the table slid smoothly into the body of the machine. The inner curve of the opening was only a couple of inches above my face. My heart contracted with instinctive panic, and I clamped my eyes shut on the confined view.

  Just a hollow tube. Nice fresh air moving across my face. No problem.

  “Aydan, are you okay? Your heart rate is still climbing.”

  “I’m fine.”

  Breathe. In. Out. Ocean waves.

  Dammit, this was taking for-bloody-ever. I lay rigidly. Don’t move. Breathe.

  “Aydan? Do you want the sedative? We’ll just run it into your IV line. It’ll be working in a few seconds.”

  “No, I’m fine.”

  Breathe.

  A second voice. “Doctor, her heart rate just hit 165. Still climbing.”

  “Sedate.”

  “No...” I muttered as the warm fuzziness drowned me.

  When I opened my eyes, Kane was sitting beside my bed. I fought my way through the haze.

  “I really hate sedatives,” I mumbled.

  He chuckled. “You hate anything that might make you sacrifice your independence.”

  “Well, duh.” I pawed at the oxygen mask and struggled to sit up.

  “Stay.” He held me down with a heavy hand on my shoulder.

  I sighed, and my eyes closed again without my permission.

  When I opened them again, the oxygen mask was gone. Dr. Roth stood at the foot of the bed. “Everything looks fine. We’re just going to keep you here for another half hour or so while you recover from the sedative, and then you can go.”

  I squirmed, and she pointed out the controls on the bed. “If you want to sit up, you can use these buttons. But stay in bed,” she added severely. “Until I give you the all-clear.”

  I nodded and used the controls to raise the head of the bed while Kane watched, his eyes twinkling.

  “I should get some of that sedative,” he joked. “It makes you very cooperative.”

  “Don’t even think about it,” I growled. I glanced around to make sure there was nobody within earshot. “What the hell happened?”

  “I was going to ask you the same thing.”

  “Everything was black, and then I couldn’t breathe.”

  He frowned. “We saw the blackness on the monitor. We couldn’t see you, and you weren’t saying anything. Then your body fell off the chair. I thought you were trapped in the network again, so I slapped you to try to get you out as fast as possible. I knew you wouldn’t wake to anything but a pain stimulus, so I hit you pretty hard.” His hand reached for my cheek again, but stopped without touching me. “I’m sorry.”

  I shrugged. “It’s okay, I didn’t feel it.”

  “I know.” His eyes were troubled. “You didn’t feel it because you were dead.”

  “Say what?”
r />   “You weren’t breathing. Your heart wasn’t beating. You were dead.”

  “Oh. Yeah. I guess I did hear my heart stop.”

  “Dammit, why didn’t you come out of the sim?” he demanded. “Why do you have to be so damn stubborn? I keep trying to tell you, this isn’t worth it!”

  I leaned my head back and closed my eyes, fighting sleep. “I actually was trying to come out. But I couldn’t see. I couldn’t find the portal, and I couldn’t breathe. I tried. Believe me, I tried. Suffocation is not a nice way to go.”

  His hand closed around mine. “I’m sorry.”

  I sighed. “It’s okay. Natural assumption. Stubborn is my best thing. So that’s why you were beating up on me when I woke up. CPR.”

  “Yes. I started CPR right away, and Webb got the ambulance and opened up the time-delay.” He frowned at me. “What do you think happened? You can’t go back into the sim until we figure this out.”

  I struggled to stay coherent. I hate sedatives.

  “Nothing happened. It’s a sim. I just wasn’t concentrating. I panicked. It was my own stupid fault.”

  “Aydan, don’t be so hard on yourself. Let’s think about this for a minute. Is there anything else besides the claustrophobia that’s making it harder for you to concentrate?”

  I blinked slowly. God, I was tired.

  Oh. Duh.

  “I haven’t been sleeping. I think I’m just too tired to concentrate properly.”

  “Can you find a way to sleep better?”

  “Yeah, if I can stop being claustrophobic.”

  He shook his head, looking puzzled. “What do you mean?”

  “I mean it’s a vicious circle. The worse things get during the day, the worse I sleep at night. Then I’m more tired than ever, and the next day gets worse. And the next night. And so on.”

  “I’ll talk to Stemp again,” Kane said. “If he sees that this is literally killing you, he might rethink his decision. In the mean time, you’re going home today, and you’re not coming back to Sirius until Monday. Not for anything.”