Herbert and Gabriella took Lilly outside, and Grace looked around the massive stables with Lark. The stall wings radiated out from a central hub, an area so big that stacks and stacks of hay and heavy bags of feed lined the walls, but barely took up a tenth of the available space. Grace had never seen anything like it.
Lark, dressed in jeans and suede shirt sewn with beads and glinting stones, smiled at Grace. “We have a Christmas party here every year, and the place is filled with kids and laughter and all things Christmas. You and Lilly and your mother will have to come. It’s the best time of the year.”
Grace nodded. “It sounds wonderful.” But part of her mind was on Jack’s decision. Lark had told her she’d asked him to come, and he said he would, but he still hadn’t shown up. “It is,” Lark said, then suggested she and Grace go up to the house. “Lilly will be fine with Herbert and your mother.” Grace wasn’t aware she’d hesitated, until Lark frowned. “It’s okay, really, Herbert’s doing fine now. I know what you’ve heard, and what you know. But he’s a good man, working on his sobriety, and working hard on the ranch.”
Grace couldn’t imagine what the woman had gone through because of her husband’s drinking, but she could see how strong Lark was, and how much she loved her husband. “I’m sorry. I didn’t think....” She stopped the lie, a polite denial of the truth. “I trust you,” she said, wanting to be sensitive but honest.
“Thank you,” Lark said softly. “I know you’ve spoken with Jack a lot, and he’s having a very hard time letting go of his anger at his father, but he’s not a man to hold a grudge forever. He’ll have one for a bit, then he’ll think things out, and do the right thing.”
Grace remembered the pain on Jack’s face when he’d talked about his father and what he’d done. “I’m sure you’re right.”
Lark motioned them toward the exit that led to the pathway and up to the main house. “Let’s go inside and see about a snack for everyone.”
With that, the woman laced her arm in Grace’s, and the two of them were soon standing in a large great room with tile floors and a huge, multisided fieldstone fireplace dead in the middle. Supple leather furniture had been arranged in three conversation areas, each with a view of the fireplace.
They settled on a sofa with a stunning view of the sprawling pastures with their miles of white fencing and the mountains far beyond. Grace turned to Lark and asked what she’d been wondering for almost an hour. “Do you think Jack will still come?”
His mother softly sighed. “Honestly, I don’t know. He got here very early this morning and I assumed that he was getting the horse to go over to your place, but he rode north. I have no idea where he went. Since Robyn’s death, he’s taken to disappearing for a few days at a time, alone, riding up to the high country. I heard he’s been at the Rez a few times, but mostly he’s out on the land.”
Grace realized that Lark’s eyes were overly bright, and for a moment, she thought the woman was going to cry. But she didn’t. “Jack’s had a very hard time the past few years, but he’s a strong person. I think he believes that he needs the old ranch to heal.” She bit her lip. “No, it’s not that exactly. It’s just that he hasn’t figured out how to heal himself without it, and he’s grasping at straws.”
“He must have loved his wife so very much,” Grace said, her heart aching for Jack. She couldn’t imagine loving a man that much, but she had a feeling that if she ever did, it would be a man like Jack Carson.
“Oh, he did,” Lark said. “He did, and he always will. I wouldn’t expect less of him, of any of my boys.”
From deep in the house came laughter and the sound of rapid footsteps. Small, light footsteps. Lilly burst into the room, her face radiant. “Mama, Mama, can I ride a little horse?”
Gabriella and Herbert followed behind her.
“We have a small Pinto that’s super calm and safe,” Herbert said. “The kids from the Family Center in town come out here to ride and hike. They all love Buttercup. We have a helmet Lilly can wear, but I told her she had to ask you first.”
Grace looked at her mother. “It’s a darling horse,” Gabriella said, “and she’ll only ride around the arena by the stables.”
Lark touched Grace’s hand. “It’s okay if you don’t want her to right now. She can come back later, or bring her horse over. Herbert is a great riding teacher.”
Grace looked at Lilly. “Okay,” she said, “But do exactly what Mr. Carson tells you to do.”
Lilly clapped her hands together. “Yeah, yeah!” she squealed, then turned and hurried back to her grandmother and Herbert. “She’ll enjoy it,” Lark said once they’d left. “And it will take Herbert’s mind off Jack and things.”
“Where exactly do you think Jack goes?”
“I don’t know. He stays away for a few days, comes back looking exhausted, and all he’ll say is, he was thinking.” She frowned. “I don’t know, these past few days, things have changed. I’m not sure what he’s doing anymore. But he said he’d be here and now... I actually tried to call his cell phone. I never have before, but this time, I was uneasy. It went right to voice mail, but he never turns off his phone. As long as there’s a signal, he should have answered.”
Grace thought back to their time together, the perimeter rides, the kiss, the restaurant. Something had definitely been bothering him. She stood and went to the bank of windows, then it struck her. The lake. He’d said something about thinking up there, when he couldn’t think anywhere else.
“I might know where he is,” she admitted as she turned to Lark. “But I need to go home and get Lucy.”
Lark hesitated, as if weighing the idea of her finding Jack, but she didn’t argue. Instead, she stood and walked over to Grace. “Go ahead,” she said quietly. “We’ll make sure Lilly and Gabriella get home safely if you’re not back in time.”
When Grace arrived at the ranch, Parrish helped her saddle Lucy quickly, then she started out, wondering if she was crazy. She hoped she could find the trail she’d taken with Jack a few days ago. She soon recognized the way and realized Lucy seemed to know where they were going, although there was no sign of Jack.
Grace was about to give up after they’d made the strenuous climb. It was hot and she didn’t want to risk either herself or the horse by staying out here alone. But just then a low whinny sounded, and when the path led them behind a particularly large rock formation, she found Jack’s horse there, tied to a low shrub.
He whinnied again as they approached, and Lucy stopped right beside him. Grace slid off, tied Lucy to the same bush, then looked up. She tried not to think of snakes, good or bad, as she started the climb. There were no sounds beyond the low moan of an occasional breeze and the chirping of birds. Her boot dislodged a small rock and it skittered down the path behind her.
What was she going to say when she got to Jack? She didn’t know, but she knew she wanted to find him. She had to find him. Her breathing was getting a bit labored when she finally climbed over the shale rocks and onto the ledge that led to the sea of grass.
She watched the rippling movements of the grass in the growing breeze, then noticed the crushed path where Jack must have walked earlier. She’d been right. He was there. She went to the low arched opening and stepped through.
* * *
JACK HAD BEEN achingly alone for two years, until the old ranch entered the picture. No, that wasn’t totally true. The ranch had always been there. It was Grace who had come into his life. The rides they’d taken, the talks they’d had, then the kiss.... They’d all made him realize that despite his attempts to survive, he’d hit the end. He hated self-pity, and the old man’s words came to him. “Live your own life. Only you can do that.”
But what if his life right then was the best it would ever get? He had flashes of a future with Grace, things he rejected, things he hid from. Just acknowledging an attraction to the woman made him hurt, and seeing her child only added to the ache for what he’d never had and never would have. It was almost u
nbearable.
“Jack?” His name came like a soft whisper on the air, and for a minute he thought he was hallucinating, until he turned. His hallucination took the form of Grace in slender jeans, a cropped top and boots, coming toward him. He could see her eyes beneath the straw hat, the deep lavender, soft and gentle. And he could literally feel the loneliness he lived with lifting ever so slightly as she neared.
Without another word, she sank down by him, actually putting her feet over the ledge, keeping a foot or so of space between them. Her eyes were staring off into the distance. He did the same thing, very conscious of her every breath.
“So, what did you want to talk about?” she finally asked.
He didn’t answer. He didn’t even know what to say about anything anymore.
After a few moments, she spoke again. “I am so sorry for all you’ve gone through.”
That hit him hard. He hadn’t expected that, and he didn’t want her pity. Never. His voice was a hoarse whisper when he spoke, and the words were not planned. “Life happens,” he heard himself say simply. “We had ours planned, everything to live for, then it was all gone. Just like that. Gone.” He choked out the last word, and swallowed hard.
“When my father walked out,” Grace said, barely above a whisper, “I made up this game, the ‘What-If Game.’ I even wrote the what-ifs down. What if he left because some bad guys were after him, and he left to protect us? What if he left to make his fortune so he could come back and get us? What if...?” She laughed softly, but there wasn’t a whole lot of humor in the sound. “None of the ‘what-ifs’ prepared me for reality. Not one of them was about him being in a poker game and winning a ranch and giving it to me without ever having to see me. None of them.”
Jack turned enough to see her hands clenched on her thighs.
Grace took a deep breath before continuing. “None of them were about him giving a huge opportunity to a grandchild he’d never met and never wanted to meet. But he did. That’s my reality, and it’s incredible. No more streets we can’t walk on, where no one knows you or cares to know you, or schools where they have metal detectors. I’d felt for so long that I couldn’t protect Lilly, couldn’t provide her with the life I wanted to, and now I can, because of my father.”
He let his gaze slide up the sweep of her throat, the delicate chin lifted just a bit. “I can’t believe he left you.”
She swallowed, then slowly turned to him. There were no tears, just an expression on her face that seemed resigned. “He did. He couldn’t handle a family. He didn’t want to handle a family, and that meant me. But even so, he gave me the one thing I really needed, probably because he simply didn’t want it.”
“What about Lilly’s father?” he asked.
“I told you, he left well before Lilly was born. He didn’t even want to see her. The divorce was finalized by mail.”
He put his hand over hers where it rested on her thigh. “He was a fool,” he said. “To have it all and turn his back on it. A real fool.”
Slowly, Grace turned her hand under his, and laced her fingers with his. It almost made it impossible for him to breathe for a moment. Her heat and softness. He wanted it. He needed it, but he felt so guilty. Robyn was everything to him. He couldn’t just let that all go. He couldn’t just turn his back and pretend that he was a whole man—it wouldn’t be doing justice in a sense, but this woman was truly special to him.
But he didn’t release his hold on her hand. He couldn’t. Then he said something that he’d barely admitted to himself. “I almost can’t hear Robyn’s voice anymore.” He stopped, feeling like a fool, and he would have pulled back from her if her hold on him hadn’t tightened.
The connection overwhelmed him. He felt as if he finally had found a lifeline. No, maybe a mere thread to grasp, but it was more than he’d had before he’d heard her breathe his name. And the old man’s words were there again. “It’s your life to live, Jack, and only you can live it. What it is or isn’t, is up to you.” He felt a lifting of pressure, and he could actually take a breath into his lungs.
He stood, trying to absorb what was happening when Grace moved to stand by him. As if she understood it all, she reached out and went into his arms, hugging him tightly around his waist, burying her face in his chest. Both of them held on for dear life, for what seemed forever.
Until she stirred, moving back enough to lift her arms around his neck and gently pull him down to her. The kiss came from her this time, without hesitation, and as her lips met his, he could almost breathe in the taste of her. That was what he wanted, her, like this, and although it was insane, he cared for her, deeply. It couldn’t be real love. That only happened once in a lifetime, but he also knew that whatever this was, he wanted it. He wanted her.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
GRACE KNEW THAT she’d become connected to this place, to the land, but she’d had no idea until yesterday that she was becoming connected to Jack. She could almost feel his pain, and she wanted to help him. But she couldn’t. She’d thought she wanted a man like Jack to love, but she’d been wanting Jack all that time. He could touch her on some level no man ever had, but she couldn’t let that happen. He was grieving for his lost wife, and she had no wish to be some “fill-in” for that loss.
She’d made mistakes, one huge mistake, and it had come from impulse and need. She couldn’t let that happen again. Not to her, not to him, and especially not to Lilly. It was the hardest thing she’d ever done, to ease back from his embrace, to give up his heat and strength, and say, “We need to get back to your parents’ ranch.”
Jack reached out and cupped her chin with his strong hand. “How did you know where to find me?”
“Your mother said you probably had to think a lot of things out, and I realized you’d be here.” She tried to smile, despite his touch still on her skin. “I rode all the way up here on Lucy and didn’t fall off. I didn’t even know if I could find the place on my own, but I did.”
“Yes, you did.” His voice was rough, and he dipped his head to hers, his lips brushing hers with the ghost of a kiss this time. But it made her tremble and she moved to break the contact.
“We have to get back.” She needed distance. It would be too easy to just act and not think. Far too easy.
He took her hand in his, leading her back through the opening, across the grass and down the path to the waiting horses. “You actually rode here all alone?”
She nodded. “Your mother was worried, and so was I.”
He came to her, and for a frantic moment, she thought he was going to hold her again, but instead, he lifted her onto Lucy’s back. Once in the saddle, Grace settled, and as Jack mounted his horse, she let him lead the way and Lucy fell in step behind him.
* * *
THEY RODE TO the ranch in silence, and Jack found himself starting his own “what-ifs.” What if he could love again? What if he could let someone else become the center of his world? He understood one thing right then. Either he figured out what was happening between him and Grace, or he’d have to give her up.
“Jack?”
He glanced back at her. “You okay?”
“Yes, but maybe you should call your mother and let her know you’re okay?”
He’d turned off his phone as soon as he’d left the ranch that morning. Digging into his jeans’ pocket, he pulled it out and powered it up. “You’re right,” he said as the screen came to life.
He stopped the horse as soon as he saw a number of voice messages. The first few were from his mother, asking when he’d be back at the ranch. He smiled at Grace as she came up beside him on Lucy, but the next message made him freeze.
“Son, please turn on your phone. I need to find Grace right away.”
The next message was more frantic. “Lilly’s been hurt, and we’re taking her to the hospital. Moses is waiting for us at the E.R. She needs her mother.” He drew back, looked at the time and realized the last call was just fifteen minutes ago. He tried to think of what to say to
Grace. But she understood something was wrong before he opened his mouth.
“Jack, what’s happening?”
He didn’t hedge. “Lilly got hurt at the ranch, and they’re going to the hospital.”
Her face blanched, and she reached over and grabbed him by the arm. “What happened?”
“Mom didn’t say, just that Moses was waiting for them at the E.R.”
She pulled away, nudging her horse to go, and he found himself riding behind her back to the ranch. He passed their horses over to a stable hand, then followed Grace at a run to get to his Jeep.
She sat rigidly in the seat, her hands clasped tightly in her lap, her eyes straight ahead. “Please, hurry,” she said urgently.
Jack took off for the main road. He pulled out his phone and put in a call to John. “Hey, I need a favor. I’m heading for town and going too fast, but I need to get to the hospital.”
“Who’s hurt?” the chief of police asked immediately.
“Grace’s daughter. I need you to get me through town without any accidents.”
“You got it.” The line went dead.
Jack glanced over at Grace again. He didn’t want anything bad to happen to her. If he could, he would make a law that nothing bad would ever happen to her, or to those she loved. Stupid. But he meant it, and he knew that whatever was happening between the two of them, it wasn’t going away. The idea that he didn’t want to make it go away stunned him.
Lights flashed ahead of them, then a siren wailed, as John pulled in front of them from a side road. Just minutes later, Jack was heading up the curved drive to the double E.R. doors. Before the car even stopped, Grace was out, running through the automatic doors.
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