All My Tomorrows

by Colette L. Saucier

  The house had a huge party room with plush white carpeting and twin blue-silver sofas and a low, round glass coffee table. Trees and plants filled the room, and the bar was always in full supply of liquor. When Marlene would sit on one bar stool, her poodle would climb onto the other and sit on his hind legs while she fed him. Behind the bar, an enormous mirror covered the wall, and the other walls were papered with a blue, Victorian print. This was my favorite room in the house, though I rarely was allowed in. It was the first time I had ever seen a crystal chandelier.

  Annette and I had a marvelous time together at first. We had tea parties for her dolls and looked through Marlene’s fashion magazines. A stone wall about four feet high surrounded the enormous house, and we would walk on it pretending to be trapeze artists. This had been my idea. Since they had carpeting, we couldn’t balance ourselves on floorboards, so the wall was an adequate substitute, except I was always afraid I would fall and break my neck. Annette’s brother Anthony would visit occasionally but not enough for him and Tad to become good friends.

  I started going to school with Annette after Thanksgiving. With the exception of the fire, I had never been so scared in all my life. For one thing, in school Annette completely ignored me and only played with her friends. For another, Tad and I were separated since our schools were not co-ed. I didn’t know if I would like going to an all-girls school, and I wanted to be with Tad. Ever since the fire, Tad and I had spent more time together, just the two of us. Sometimes we would talk about Mommy and Daddy since everyone else acted like they never existed. I had my own room, but at night I would climb into Tad’s bed just in case there was a fire. None of the luxuries in my new life could compete with the comfort he gave me.

  ☼

  Alice sat just offstage perusing the new script when Peter Walsingham arrived with his entourage, and she was relieved most of the cast and crew were at lunch. Even the few crewmembers there gawked and whispered to one another. Alice glanced up at the newcomers then fixed her attention to the script on her lap, although she couldn’t help it if they were in her peripheral vision. Damnit, he’s just as good-looking in person. And Winnie Johnson just as gorgeous. And thin. Naturally, he would bring his paramour with him to the set. She willed her heart to stop racing, reminding herself that by all accounts this guy was a misogynistic dick. A dick named Peter – ha!

  Winnie walked around the set touching the furniture and mantle. “I have never seen anything so cheap in my life. And this is supposed to be your home?”

  “Not if I can help it,” Peter said in that voice.

  “They must have spent the money for sets on the cameras. Why do they need so many?”

  “It’ll be fine; you’ll see,” the other man said, his voice lively and excited. “It really is a great show – and you’ll be working with Giselle Meyer!”

  “Who the hell is that?” asked the voice.

  “Oh, c’mon, Peter, you must know her! She’s incredible. You see, years ago she was going to be a nun, but before she took her final vows, Damien declared his love for her, but then he was in a terrible accident and had amnesia –”

  “Jack,” Winnie said, “don’t tell me you actually watch these soap operas!”

  “Only All My Tomorrows, but it’s really good.”

  Alice suppressed a smile. She liked this Jack person.

  Peter huffed. “I consider that highly improbable, but I won’t argue with you. What’s done is done, and I am stuck here. They wanted to punish me and have succeeded, but what I won’t stand for is portraying some former character raised from the dead. Ridiculous.”

  “Not dead, actually. Just lost at sea.”

  “It’s another man’s role. I feel like an understudy. Even in this pitiful excuse for a drama, I should be able to develop my own character.”

  At that, Alice looked up and right into the eyes of Peter Walsingham. Her own eyes widened at having him stare at her from across the set. And why was he staring at her? At first she didn’t turn away because of shock, but then, since he evidently had no intention of breaking the eye contact, she continued out of sheer stubbornness. I suppose he believes his fame and movie-starness intimidate me. Well, he’s right, but he doesn’t have to know it.

  “But you get to bring back Tristan!”

  Peter broke the gaze and turned to Jack. Alice smiled. Ha! I win! I win a staring contest he had no idea we were having. Her smile faded and she returned to the script.

  “What is with these names? I’d rather play Tristram Shandy.”

  The reference surprised Alice. At least he’s not illiterate.

  “Tristan is Clarissa’s brother. You will like working with Eileen Seaver.”

  “Yes, that’s another thing. I have seen her picture. No one in his right mind would believe she and I could be siblings.”

  “Perhaps you got all the looks in the family,” Winnie said, returning to Peter and Jack.

  Alice slammed the script shut, but the sound of paper slapping together was far from satisfying. So, he is too handsome to play Eileen’s brother!

  “If you have issues with the script,” Jack said, “why don’t you discuss them with the head writer. I’m sure she –”

  With a humorless laugh, Peter said, “I doubt she could write her way out of a paper bag.”

  That is it! Alice jumped down from her chair and marched toward her office. I could certainly have written a better comeback line than that!

  CHAPTER 2

  The Edge of Darkness

  Chapter 5

  Marlene legally adopted me when I was fourteen, since I had been with her longer than my real mother. Although she never came out and said anything, I think Annette resented it. Before then, Annette and I would be best friends at home, but she would completely ignore me at school, as if she had no idea who I was. Once we had the same last name, though, she couldn’t pretend I didn’t exist. Instead, she joined the other girls who teased and taunted me.

  My appearance at that time could only be described as ugly. I had stringy red hair like yams, and my face was broken out from the chocolate that also contributed to my weight problem. I spent all my free time reading, studying things not needed for school and feeding my imagination. The main reason, I suppose, was because I didn’t have any friends.

  Annette generally led the attacks against me, which I didn’t understand since we were sisters – although she made it clear to everyone that we were not “real” sisters. Of course, she was pretty and popular, and that’s what the popular girls did. They said I was weird, and they said it so often I began to believe it myself.

  By then I knew I wanted to be an actress, and I decided to practice the craft immediately. I would regale my classmates with terribly untrue tales, not so much to get their attention but more to see if I could fool them into believing me. Sometimes these falsehoods went too far when they actually did believe me. All the mean girls would talk about parties and going out, so I told them about a wild party I had attended, in my mind. I fictionalized a guest list, entertainment, hors d’oeuvres, and the hostess all in intricate detail. After hearing my story, some of the girls relayed it all to Sr. Theresa, the principal, and I was summoned to her office.

  “Some of your friends are worried about you. They said you attended some sort of hippie bacchanal.”

  “If they are the ones I think, they are no friends of mine. I did no such thing.”

  “But they all heard you talking about the party.”

  “For some reason, they don’t care for me – at all. I wouldn’t doubt that they all got together and made up this ridiculous story just to turn you against me.” At this point, I turned up the histrionics and even managed to make myself cry. “And you believe them! Of all people, I thought I could trust you. Why do they hate me? They are trying to ruin my reputation, and I have never once served then an injustice!” The nun believed me. Or maybe she believed Marlene, who could have verified that I had not spent a single night out of her sight.

&
nbsp; I think Marlene, Mother now, might have chosen that time to adopt me because Tad had gone away. He still lived with us while he went to college at Georgetown, but as soon as he graduated, he was drafted. I knew as much as I could about Vietnam, and I was against the war even before the Marines took Tad. I prayed every night that he wouldn’t be sent overseas.

  Molly was a Senator now, and he used his connections so Tad could stay in the States as long as possible. I still never saw him, though, since he was stationed in California. I figured Molly had used those same connections to keep his own son out of the war altogether and couldn’t help but resent them both for it, especially when the inevitable happened.

  Almost a year after he had been drafted, Tad was standing in the kitchen when I came down before school.

  “Tad!” I ran into his arms as he lifted me off the ground. “What are you doing here?”

  “Can’t a guy come and see his little sister every once in a while?”

  “You better believe it! I’ve missed you so much.”

  “Me, too. You haven’t been out drinking and carousing, have you?”

  “Of course.” We laughed, and I caught him up on any new things since my last letter as we walked into the living room and sat on the sofa. “And how is everything on the base?”

  He averted his eyes. “Um, fine.”

  “You still haven’t explained your unexpected appearance.”

  “I’m here because I have to talk to you.” He looked at his watch. “But you’d better get to school.”

  “No, we can talk now. I have first hour free today anyway. You can’t expect me to spend the day imagining the worst.”

  He looked at me then. “Lexie, it is the worst. I’m going. They’re sending me to Nam.”

  “No. No, they can’t! What about Molly?”

  “There’s nothing he could do. He arranged for me to come here first to see you, but he couldn’t do anything else.”

  “It’s not true! It’s not true! They can’t send you!” I was screaming, and tears flowed down my cheeks in rivers. He held me close, but he couldn’t stifle my hysteria. My screams had awoken Mother, and she and Annette came running into the living room. “You just can’t go!” I pulled out of his arms and fled to my room.

  I know he tried to cheer me up while he was there, but sometimes just looking at him made me cry. I couldn’t believe my own brother was going to Vietnam. A few days later at the airport, Mother left us alone to say goodbye.

  “Don’t worry, Lexie. I’ll be back in thirteen months.”

  “That’s over a year.”

  “It will go by quickly. You’ll see. I want you to stay as busy as possible and not think about where I am so the time will pass faster.”

  “What if something happens to you?”

  “Nothing is going to happen. Don’t worry.” He kissed a tear under my eye. “But I want to talk to you about something I think you should know.”

  We sat on a couch in the airport, and he took both my hands and looked into my eyes. “Lexie, after Mama had me, she and Dad really wanted another baby – more than anything in the world – but I gave her a hard time in the delivery room. The doctor said it would be dangerous for her to have another baby, but she didn’t care. She wanted a baby, and so she got pregnant.”

  “Why are you telling me this?”

  “She got pregnant, Lexie, but it was a difficult pregnancy. She miscarried in the seventh month, and she had to have a hysterectomy.”

  As what he said came together in my mind and I started to make sense of it, I began to cry. “Why are you telling me this now? You said nothing was going to happen to you.”

  “They still wanted a baby. So they adopted you.”

  I shook my head back and forth. “No. No, I don’t believe you.”

  “It’s true, Lex. I went with them to New York to get you.”

  “So then who is my real mother?”

  “I don’t know. She was a young actress in New York, but I never knew her name. And they fixed it so your birth certificate had Mama and Dad’s names. I don’t even know if they went through an adoption agency.”

  “I suppose that explains why I love acting.”

  He wiped at my tears with a handkerchief. “I’m sorry to tell you like this.”

  “I…I don’t suppose it matters. I mean, I was adopted by Marlene anyway. Does she know?”

  “I don’t think so. You know, something happened a long time ago between Marlene and our mother that made them stop being friends. I think Mama would have told her if she wanted her to know.”

  “I just wish you weren’t telling me now because I know why you’re telling me.”

  “Lexie, nothing is going to happen to me, but just in case, I thought you had the right to know.”

  Then they called his flight and he kissed me goodbye. “I love you, Alexandra.”

  The summer before my junior year of high school, I went through a tremendous metamorphosis. My face cleared up, I had my hair cut and styled, and I lost all the weight. With a surge of confidence, I knew this year would be different.

  Although our high school was also all-girls, we were close to an all-boys school and served as their sister school. We cheered for their sports and had co-ed clubs. That year, one of the first things I did was join the drama club and audition for Godspell. Even though I only got a part as an understudy, I had never been so thrilled in my life. I might not be performing, but I had been chosen over so many other girls. And for the first time, I had friends – lots of them – and the cast and crew spent all their time together when we weren’t in school.

  I worked hard on Godspell. Not only did I have to do all of the duties of an actress, in learning lines and blocking, but I also worked on the tech crew. But with the excitement and fulfillment of working on the production, the work didn’t bother me at all. Plus I was the envy of my classmates because I worked with Sean Hooker, the heartthrob of high school. I hated to admit it, but even I had a bit of a crush on him. Besides being the most gorgeous senior on the boys’ campus, he was a professional actor, working on plays outside of school and even commercials, which made him completely irresistible.

  I understudied for Lisa, and she frequently missed rehearsals, so I had to work closely with Sean in several scenes. I couldn’t help feeling shy around him. I tried to treat him like all the other actors, but he would look me right in the eyes and I would melt.

  After opening night, I hugged the others in the cast, but to Sean I only offered my hand. I refused to let him believe I was another co-ed in love with him. It had gotten to the point where one day at tech, Sean was forced into seclusion by ninth-grade girls who found out he would be there that day. To my surprise, Sean rejected my hand and pulled me into a bear hug. I, being a consummate actress, hid my state of shock well, even as my heart raced, and said, “Congratulations! I’m so glad it went well!” He silently released me and walked away.

  After the next performance, I took the offensive and placed my hand on his shoulder and said, “Congratulations,” just as a woman from the audience came up and started commending his performance.

  I removed my hand, but Sean stuck his out to me, and I had no choice but to take it. He held my hand tightly and then took it between both of his and rubbed it, never taking his eyes off the lady. I was totally bedazzled. But then something caught his attention. He dropped my hand and walked away, leaving me to talk to the woman. I came to the conclusion that, since I didn’t throw myself at him like all the other girls, he was being kind of a tease. That killed the crush.

  A lizard lived outside my bedroom window. Every morning when the alarm woke me, I would see his silhouette on my shade as the rising sun shined in. On this particular morning, my lizard did not appear.

  That day a Marine came to our door. Tad was missing in action.

  ☼

  “Come in,” Alice said without looking up from her book.

  “Mrs. McGillicutty, we need to talk about –”

&
nbsp; At the sound of Peter’s voice Alice had raised her head, and he broke off. She frowned. “Mrs.?”

  “It’s you,” he said, frozen in the doorway.

  “Not if you are looking for Mrs. McGillicutty. Why would you presume I am married?”

  “I – well…with a name like McGillicutty, I assumed…”

  “So you assume every female McGillicutty emerges from the womb married?”

  The shock from recognition fell away as his face relaxed. “No, of course not. I apologize if I offended you, Miss McGillicutty.”

  She pointed at a chair with her pen. “Alice will do. You have something to discuss?”

  He closed the door and took the offered seat. She was too pissed off at him to be star-struck, and she had prepared for this conversation.

  “I saw you on the set,” he said. “I assumed you were an actress on the show.”

  “You assume quite a lot, Mr. Walsingham.”

  “Peter. You can call me Peter.”

  “What an honor,” she said. “Now, why are you here?”

  “Yes. About my character. Tristram.”

  “Tristan.”

  “Tristan. Right. I don’t want that role.”

  “Oh? And why might that be?”

  “He was lost at sea and declared dead. The premise is ridiculous.”

  “No, it isn’t; it happens all the time.”

  “Like when?”

  “Well, there’s My Favorite Wife; Move Over, Darling; Gilligan.”

  “That’s fiction. I mean it’s not realistic. Besides, Move Over, Darling is a remake of My Favorite Wife.”

  Although amused at his knowledge of old romance movies, she would not let it divert her. “Realistic? So you really are a war veteran slash forensic pathologist who will not rest until he avenges the murder of his wife? No wonder you embodied your role on COD.”

  He smiled at her. Oh, dear Lord, he’s smiling at me.

  “I take your point,” he said, “and thank you for the compliment.”