Now or Never

by A. J. Bennett

  CHAPTER 22

  On the drive back towards town Grayson reached over and grabbed Derrick’s hand. It’s funny how something as simple as holding hands could feel so intimate after mind blowing sex. He lightly rubbed his thumb back and forth across her palm. Her hand tingled at his touch.

  Her phone beeped alerting her that she had missed a call. She grabbed the phone from the cup holder. What in the world? Five missed calls from her mother? That was not good. Her mom never called. Hell, she barely knew how to use her cell phone. Maybe Josh showed up again. If that was the case, she needed to know right away, so she hit send on her mom’s number. The last thing she needed right now was another altercation.

  “Hey Mom, its Grayson, you called?”

  Her mom sniffed, and Grayson’s body tensed.

  “What’s wrong mom?”

  “You don’t know?”

  “Know what?” Grace asked her stomach dropping.

  “Your father Grace, he’s dead.”

  “What! How? Where is he?” Grace pulled her hand away from Derricks.

  “He had a heart attack. Apparently, he’s been living in Virginia all this time. His sister Michelle called. She thought we’d liked to know.”

  “How kind of her,” Grayson said bitterly. “I’ll be home soon. When’s the funeral?”

  “Friday.”

  “OK. Thanks for letting me know,” Grace said as she clicked off her phone and closed her eyes.

  She knew should feel sad, but she felt nothing. She just learned her father had died, and she had no tears to shed. Maybe she was in shock? Or perhaps she was incapable of feeling anything for the man. It made her ill knowing he had been so close to them all this time.

  “Someone died?” Derrick asked concerned.

  “Yup, my father,” Grayson replied with no emotion in her voice.

  “I’m sorry,” he said as he took his eyes off the road to look at her.

  “It’s OK. He wasn’t exactly a model father.”

  “Not many seem to be,” Derrick said and grabbed her hand again. The warmth of his skin soothed her jagged nerves.

  “My father is…was one of those men who weren’t meant to be a dad. He was a merchant marine, so he was gone two months at a time and home for one month. But what he lacked in being a father he made up for by loving our mother. The kind of love you read about in books or see in a movie.”

  “Are they still married? Ethan’s never mentioned his father.”

  “Yes, technically they are. They never divorced, but my father walked out on us when I was twelve, and he never looked back. That kinda shattered the childish dream of happy ever after.” Grayson looked out the window off at the horizon. “He was a Vietnam vet; never really got over the war, but it got worse as time passed. Like a mid-life crisis or something. He started drinking all the time and watching war movies obsessively. He would rant and rave about how inaccurate the movies were. My mom tried to help him, but no one could get through to him.” Grayson hesitated and continued, “He left his high-paying job with no notice. He got into three accidents, all DUIs. But he always refused to admit that he had a problem.” Grayson paused, not sure how much more she was willing to share.

  “One day we got into a big fight. I can’t even remember what it was about now. I think it was something about the laundry, who knows, it was something so trivial I can’t even remember it. My dad just got so mad at me; he went full force right at me. All I can remember were his eyes. It was like he wasn’t even seeing me; they were blank, but he was full of rage. It took everyone in the house to pull him off of me. He’d never laid a hand on me until that moment,” Grayson laughed bitterly. “It seems there is something about me that brings out irrational anger in men. Anyway, I guess he got sick of it all. That night he got into his car and drove away, leaving my mother nothing other than his debt. The worst thing about it was he left on Ethan’s birthday and didn’t even say good-bye. Ethan always blamed me for our father leaving. I think that hurt worse than the actual loss of my father in my life. Letting down Ethan is one of the worst feelings.”

  “That sucks, but I’m sure he realizes it wasn’t your fault. You were just a kid.”

  “Yeah, it was just so weird. My parents were always so happy to the point it was embarrassing to be around them. They were always dancing around the kitchen. My dad was constantly brining her flowers and jewelry. When he took off, it was just very sad. I never really felt close to him, but I was sad for my mother. She used to be an artist and hasn’t touched a paint brush since the day he left. The whole situation sucked.”

  It was strange that she could talk to him so freely. They barely knew each other, but for some reason, she trusted Derrick. He didn’t seem like the type that would judge. He just listened.

  Derrick squeezed her hand, and then rested his hand on her thigh. His hand felt heavy, warm and comforting. She was glad he was there when she got the call. Her family just didn’t talk about it. They tended to sweep anything uncomfortable under the rug.

  “When is the funeral?”

  “My mom said it’s on Friday. I guess we’ll probably leave tomorrow if we’re going to drive.”

  “Call me if you need anything,” Derrick said as he pulled into her driveway.

  “Thanks for today. I think you should buy the land.”

  “I think so too,” he said as he leaned in and kissed her lightly.

  Grayson ran up the porch stairs and through the front door. Her mother was sitting in the kitchen with the lights out drinking tea. Tea was her mom’s recipe for anything that was wrong. Grayson crossed the room and went in the kitchen. She grabbed a mug and poured herself a cup and sat next to her mom. She had no idea what to say to her, or what she could do to comfort her. She should probably hug her mom, but the situation was so uncomfortable.

  “Why didn’t you know Grace?”

  “I don’t know mom. Maybe because we were no longer bonded? Perhaps I outgrew the sixth sense? It’s been a long time since I’ve gotten a feeling like that. What about you? Shouldn’t your cards or charts have told you?”

  The woman in their family all seemed to have their own odd gifts. Grayson knew when someone was hurt or has passed away, Luna had dreams about alligators when something bad happened, Grams had visions and their mom had the stars and the cards. Grams said it was in their Scottish blood.

  “Maybe they did and I just wasn’t looking, or didn’t want to see it,” her mom said softly.

  “It’s possible. So what happened?”

  “I guess his hard living finally caught up with him,” her mom said, wiping away a tear. “He’s such a stupid bastard. I could have helped him; if he had just let me.”

  I reached over and patted my mom’s hand.

  “He loved you mom. He just had problems.”

  “I know. I just thought we would grow old together. It’s hard to believe he’s really gone. A part of me always thought he would return to us.”

  “I can’t believe he’s been so close this whole time.”

  “I hate him,” her mom said through clenched teeth.

  “You don’t mean that.”

  “I do. We had something special, and he threw it away. For Christ’s sakes he didn’t even see his children graduate. He never even knew what Ethan has accomplished.”

  The front door opened, and Luna and Ethan came through the door. My mother stood up and threw her arms around Ethan. He was always her favorite, probably because Ethan was the spitting image of their father. She quietly sobbed into his arms.

  Luna and Grace exchanged a glance, and she knew Luna felt just as uncomfortable as she did.

  CHAPTER 23

  Dread washed over Grayson as they walked through the doors of the funeral home. The last time she had been to a funeral home was at her grandmother’s wake. It was one of the saddest days of her life. Her grandmother had been like a second mom to her.

  It still seemed surreal to her that her father was gone—dead and never to return. Sh
e wondered if he passed on to another plane of existence. She hadn’t believed in life after death until her grams died, and then she desperately hoped that there was more. Grayson needed to believe there was, it was too hard to think of her Grams being gone; she occasionally still spoke to her as if she was in the same room or car as her.

  Luna grasped her arm tightly, and Grayson gave her hand a light squeeze. Having her twin nearby always gave her a sense of comfort. They’d been through everything together. Grayson glanced at her sister and was surprised to see tears running down her face. Her father leaving had always affected her more. She didn’t know what to say to comfort her sister, so she said nothing.

  Ethan’s face was stoic, but Grayson could see his eyelid twitching. She knew it was taking everything to keep his emotions in check. They were walking to see their father for the first time in nearly ten years. The man who abandoned them, causing their house to be repossessed. The man who left their mom a single parent, forcing her to go back to school to support them. The man that made her accept the reality that nothing was promised; life didn’t always have a happy ending, and not to take anything for granted. Grace should feel sorrow, but all she felt was empty. And that scared her.

  The place was eerily quiet, other than the four of them and her aunt, there was just the pastor. That alone spoke volumes. Imagine living a full life and no one showing up to show their respect at your funeral. Had her father not left them, the place would have been packed. Everyone had loved him. He was one of those rare story tellers that could keep people on the edge of their seat, the life of the party, much like Luna. But he had walked away from that life. He walked away from everyone that had loved him. She would never understand what would cause a father to do that to his children or his wife.

  The pastor stood up and said a few words, but Grayson didn’t hear a word he said. Her eyes were focused on the coffin. Her father was lying inside…dead. It just didn’t seem real. She felt like any minute her dad would jump out and say, “just kidding.” But, she knew that was not going to happen.

  Their father was a Marine. Ethan and their mom were presented with a folded flag, ironic in a way. The war was what put him in an early grave, and yet it was such a beautiful gesture. Their father was proud of serving his country. She knew the flag would mean a lot to Ethan.

  Her brother rose first and stood over their fathers casket he briefly leaned down and kissed him. Ethan didn’t stay long as if he couldn’t handle seeing their father that way. Their mom went next. She stood over him for several minutes her shoulders slumped. Grayson wondered what was going through her mind. She couldn’t imagine standing over the man she loved most her life…dead. Throw in the fact he left her high and dry, her mother’s emotions had to be all over the place. Grayson wished there was something she could do to ease her pain, but she knew it was something she would have to get through on her own.

  Grayson and Luna went next. They walked closely together, hand in hand. When Grayson looked down she gasped shocked by what she saw. It was not the man she remembered. He’d always been larger than life in her eyes. Now he looked like a shriveled old man. Whatever path he took after leaving them, had not been an easy one that much was clear. It looked like his life had literally been sucked out of him. For the first time in her life she felt sorry for him.

  Luna was sobbing next to her, but Grayson still had no tears for the man. Maybe something was really wrong with her, she felt nothing.

  When they left their aunt took them over to her car and opened the trunk. “Your father’s possessions,” she said as she stepped aside to give them a closer look, “I thought you’d like to go through them.”

  Curiosity pulled Grayson to the car. She wanted to know what was left of his life. Maybe she could find the answers they had all be asking. Why?

  There wasn’t much in the trunk; three boxes were all that was left of her father.

  She peeled open the first one and everyone gathered around her. She pulled out a photo album and flipped it open. It was an old album, all the pictures were in black and white. Her mother and father were dressed in all of their hippy glory. They both had long hair parted down the middle. Their mother was gorgeous and their dad had a full beard. They were laughing and making eye contact, clearly head over heels in love. Grayson just kept flipping through the pages. Near the end of the album, their mom was pregnant with Ethan. Even in black and white you could tell she was glowing. Grayson finished with the album, passed it to the others, and grabbed another.

  It was strange to see their lives through a series of photographs. There was a card she had made for her father when he was gone. It was made of green construction paper and had a cut out flower glued to the front. The paper was worn. She wondered if it was from age, or from her father looking at it often. Hurry home Daddy we miss you was scrawled in a child’s messy penmanship. The D’s in Daddy were backwards. Finally, she broke down and cried. Hot scalding tears streamed down her face, and her body shook. She couldn’t believe her father had taken this stuff with him when he left. Maybe they meant more to him then he let on.

  Luna pulled her in for a hug, and they stood there crying for the man they never really knew. And now they would never get the chance.

  “Look at this,” Ethan said as he pulled out a newspaper clipping from the box. It was of Ethan in uniform when he got a bronze star with valor. Their father had kept tabs on them long after he left. It made her feel a little better that he hadn’t totally forgotten about them. She just wished he had contacted them. Maybe they could have helped him.

  Why the hell didn’t he try to talk to us, Grayson thought angrily.

  “He talked about you guys all the time,” Aunt Michelle said. “Your father lived with demons he couldn’t get past. He went for help from the VA, but they just gave him meds that he got addicted to. And he just couldn’t let go of the bottle,” she said sadly.

  “Can we keep these?” Mom asked holding a photo album to her chest. Her blue eyes glistened with tears.

  “Of course, it’s all yours.”

  Ethan grabbed the boxes and transferred them over to his truck. He never said a word. Grayson wondered what he was thinking.

  “Do you want his ashes sent to you?”

  My mother nodded. “Thank you. He always said he wanted his ashes to go out to sea.”

  Aunt Michelle took out a piece of paper and a pen from her purse. She handed it to my mom, so she could jot down her address.

  “Are you staying in town for awhile?” Michelle asked.

  “No, we’re leaving today.”

  Michelle’s face was drawn, and her eyes looked sad. “Maybe we could go out for brunch if you’d like?”

  “Sure. That would be nice.” My mother said and hugged Aunt Michelle. She was the last of my father’s side that was alive, and she had no children.

  They went to a local diner, and Michelle tried to fill in the blank spots of their father’s absence, but there wasn’t much to tell. He’d pretty much been spiraling out of control since he’d left them. He’d been in and out of rehab. But he just couldn’t kick the booze. Fits of rage came and went. It was heartbreaking to hear.

  Grayson’s phone buzzed in her pocket. She pulled it out and was surprised to see it was from Derrick.

  How are you doing?

  She looked across the table. Her mom was engrossed in a conversation with Michelle.

  Ok I guess. It’s strange that he’s really gone. But glad we got to say good-bye.

  If you need anything, you know how to reach me.

  Thanks. We’ll be home late tonight or early tomorrow.

  Grayson put the phone back in her pocket. Maybe Derrick also thought more of the relationship then he was letting on. Or maybe he was just being considerate, because he happened to be there when she got the phone call. Either way, she was glad he sent a text. She liked knowing she was on his mind.

  CHAPTER 24

  Two days later she sent Derrick a text. She wanted to feel som
ething other than the empty feeling her father’s death had left her with.

  Want to hang out?

  Sure. I’m off early today want to grab lunch?

  She looked down at the phone in surprise. They had never gone out to lunch before. They met up, had crazy sex, and parted ways. Maybe this was a step in moving the relationship forward.

  Lunch sounds great I’m starving.

  Ok, I’ll be there soon.

  About twenty minutes later Derrick pulled up on his motorcycle. She waited impatiently until he came to the door. When the doorbell rang she counted to ten and then answered it. She was trying not to appear too eager for once.

  “How are you holding up?” He asked searching her face as he crossed through the doorway. She could see the concern in his eyes.

  Grayson shrugged and looked down. It was hard for her to talk about her feelings. She didn’t want to remember her father lying in the casket. A shell of the man he once was. Mentally, she felt raw and exhausted. But, as soon as Derrick walked through the door, she once again felt alive and wanted. “Fine, I guess. It still doesn’t seem real.”

  “It’s crazy how quickly life can be taken,” Derrick said quietly.

  “Yep, in the blink of an eye.”

  “Is your mother home?” Derrick looked into the kitchen.

  “No, she’s at Ethan’s.”

  He took three steps closer closing the distance. His strong arms coiled around her, and his familiar spicy smell brought an instant stirring of arousal. He leaned forward and rested his forehand on hers. His skin felt warm, and her heart thudded against her chest. Grayson stood on her tiptoes, and his lips closed over hers softly sucking her lower lip, and a soft moan escaped her. She hadn’t realized how much she’d missed his touch. Ok, maybe that was a lie. She always missed being close to him. Grayson wrapped her hands around his neck and pulled him even closer till their bodies were pressed together. Her legs felt weak as the kiss deepened, overloading her senses. Her panties were already damp, and she was filled with anticipation.