Shame

by Fiona Cole

  Me. I was that person. My dad had been that person for twenty years and apparently, he had grown tired of it. So that left me to help my mom now. Me to make most of the decisions. I was the one who had looked at and picked out houses to view. I was the one who had made the final decision.

  It wasn’t her fault, I guess. She’d been raised to be an agreeable housewife. Apparently agreeable also meant unable to make a decision.

  She took care of me, making meals and being everything a nurturing mom should be. But since Dad was no longer around to make decisions, it fell on my shoulders and I was already exhausted from the weight.

  The sound of giggling pulled me from my thoughts and I closed my locker after grabbing my books. Looking around, I saw groups of friends all talking and laughing. A few glanced at me, probably finding me lacking in my worn-out Chucks and un-styled hair that hung loosely down my back. Kevin’s mom had talked about how everyone had been friends since kindergarten. Then there was me, the new kid.

  I pushed my shoulders back and walked with my head high. If they wanted to stare at the new girl, then fine. But I wouldn’t show any weakness.

  I grabbed an open seat with a few minutes to spare. A girl next to me with gleaming blond hair pulled back into a perfectly curled ponytail turned and gave me a pinched smile and a simple, “Hi.”

  Her other friends, all just as made up as she was, turned and gave me the same smile.

  “Hey.”

  “You’re the new student, right?” she asked, looking me up and down.

  “That would be me.” I tried to hide the uncomfortable feeling that was swallowing me whole. I was trying not to judge these girls. I didn’t want to be that judgmental girl with a chip on her shoulder as much as I didn’t want them to be snobby bitches.

  “Cool. I could kind of tell from your shoes. And lack of hair product. I don’t know of any sophomores here who don’t at least put some effort in their appearance. St. Agatha’s is usually all about appearances.”

  I just stared, unsure of if she was serious or a stuck-up bitch like I’d assumed. I couldn’t decide which was worse. Unfortunately, I think she was serious.

  “Umm, yeah. I guess I just really like my sleep more than I like straightening my hair.”

  The other two girls chuckled. The blonde just smiled again, that tight smile. “I have extra lip gloss if you want some. Never been opened.”

  I was saved from having to respond when the teacher walked in and asked for everyone’s attention.

  Thank God.

  Somehow, I made it through the rest of my morning classes. We had seven in a day. Back in public schools, we only had four and they switched halfway through the year. So, the constant changing classes took some getting used to. It was a relief to walk into the cafeteria, until I saw everyone in groups at the round tables.

  In class, I could focus on my work and not worry about whether I was going to fit in. But at lunch, I wouldn’t be able to ignore how alone I felt if I was forced to sit at a large round table by myself. My heart sped up at just the thought of it, and I’d only taken two steps into the cafeteria.

  “Ana.”

  My eyes scanned the crowd for whoever had shouted my name. They latched on to Kevin half standing above a chair with his arm up to get my attention. Seeing him in his button-up and tie caused my heart to flutter for a whole new reason.

  I hadn’t seen him since the party, but it didn’t mean I hadn’t thought about him. The way his warm chocolate eyes watched me. The way his dark hair flopped over his eyes while we played video games, how he constantly pushed it back. Today, it was impeccably styled to stay back out of his face.

  I made my way over to him and had the unusual thrill of looking up to see his face. I was tall for a girl, but he had to be over six feet and it made me feel delicate. Somehow, I managed to stop myself from rolling my eyes from my ridiculous thoughts, but nothing was going to stop the smile that curved my lips.

  He had a face of a model. Perfectly proportioned with full lips, thick eyebrows, and sharp cheekbones. I didn’t dare scan his body any more than I had, not wanting to come off as a perv. But from what I remembered from his soccer pictures, he was lean and toned.

  He smiled before turning to the rest of the group sitting at the table. “Hey guys, this is Ana. She’s my new neighbor.” The group was evenly made up of boys and girls, each of them greeting me with either a nod or small wave. “Sean, grab one of those chairs behind you. Let’s make some room.” Everyone began scooting closer just so I would be able to sit with them. I was beginning to see the control that Kevin had among his friends. No one batted an eye.

  A thrill went through me at not having to sit alone and that Kevin was the one to make me feel so welcome. I just hoped no one got irritated at the fact that I was literally cramping their style. With ten people already seated around the table, it was a tight squeeze.

  But no one seemed to care. Some of them went about eating their lunch and having conversations while others took the time to introduce themselves. Looking around the table, I couldn’t help but be intimidated by their confidence and good looks. Really. Every single person sitting there could’ve had a career in modeling.

  “Hey, I’m Sean. I play soccer with Kevin.” Sean was the complete opposite in coloring to Kevin with blond hair and blue eyes. He was also built like the Incredible Hulk.

  “Oh, cool. What position do you play?” I asked.

  “Definitely not forward,” another one of the guys muttered under his breath. “You wouldn’t be able to run that long to save your life.”

  “Oh, fuck off, Josh. Just because I have the build to crush your scrawny ass doesn’t mean you need to be a dick.” Everyone laughed, so I knew the barb was good-natured. “I’m the goalie,” Sean said, turning his attention back to me.

  “Awesome,” I answered lamely.

  “Hi, I’m Gwen.” A girl on the other side of Kevin reached a hand out. I looked over to see it was the same girl who offered me her lip gloss in English. I couldn’t help but notice the way her other hand moved to rest on top of Kevin’s possessively. “I’m Kevin’s girlfriend.”

  I tried to ignore the pinch in my chest. Not once had Kevin mentioned a girlfriend in the time we’d hung out. But it’s not like it would’ve naturally come up in conversation. She was gorgeous, all perfect blond hair and big brown eyes. I hadn’t stood next to her yet, but sitting between Kevin and Sean, she looked tiny.

  I swallowed the knot in my throat and stretched my hand out to shake hers. “I’m Ana. Nice to officially meet you.” I tried to come off as casual as possible, you know, hiding any hints that I was attracted to her boyfriend. That was a complication I did not need at my new school.

  “Welcome to our little school.” Her eyes widened. “Oh! I almost forgot.” She reached down and began digging in her purse. She pulled something out and handed it to me across the table. “Here. That lip gloss I mentioned.” I hesitated, not able to believe she was serious. At least I knew she hadn’t been trying to be rude earlier in class. “Seriously. I have too many to use anyway.”

  I took it from her and put some on. “Thanks. It smells great.”

  She shrugged and picked up her sandwich before turning to talk to her friend. I looked over at Kevin, who was holding back a smile. “It smells great?” he asked.

  I laughed and nudged him with my elbow. “Shut up.”

  After lunch, I was introduced to my first religion class. It wasn’t too much of a shock to me since I was raised Catholic and had taken all the classes to get my sacraments. I had just never been to a class in school. Public schools were pretty much against anything having to do with religion for fear someone would throw a hissy-fit.

  And it looked like I came at the perfect time. We were starting the section on sex.

  Yayness.

  I couldn’t help but cringe at the old male teacher who stood up front and talked about chastity and purity and waiting for marriage.

  There was a col
lective sigh of relief when the bell rang, but we all knew it was going to be a long four-week lesson.

  When I walked into social studies, I saw some of the girls from lunch, including Gwen. Instead of the questioning stares and tight smiles, I was met with real smiles this time and waves to come sit next to them. I’d met Jane at lunch. She seemed shy and reserved with a soft voice and a simple cross around her neck. Then there was the complete opposite, Chloe, who was missing at lunch. She wore the same bow as the other girls around her blond ponytail, but she had pale streaks of pink dyed throughout.

  “That’s why I wasn’t at lunch. I had to go to the office so they could talk to me about my hair. You’d think if the vice principal knew I blew his son last summer, he would let me keep the color.”

  She laughed at my wide eyes. I sat there speechless, unsure of how to comment about such blatant sexuality. Gwen saved me.

  “You’re kind of a slut, Chloe,” Gwen said. “I don’t think bragging about it to the vice principal will help. Especially when he finds out you broke his poor son’s heart.”

  “I’m a sexual woman. Not making any excuses about that. And he should’ve known better then to get attached. I mean, I know I’m good . . . but no need to be a clinger.”

  Even as uncomfortable as I was with all the bold talk, when they broke into giggles, I joined in. They bantered the same way the guys had at lunch.

  “Just as long as you don’t film yourself doing sexual stunts with multiple people, you should make it to graduation without too much judgment,” Jane added.

  “I did fuck Prince, and he wanted to film me. But I am not that dumb. He was such an idiot.” Chloe rolled her eyes.

  “What?” It slipped past my lips, so confused by what they were talking about.

  “AJ Prince. He went here last year. Was supposed to come back, but he recorded himself doing some freaky shit with multiple girls, and it got out. I think one of the girls leaked it as revenge for him not staying with her.”

  “I’m telling you, clingers are the worst,” Chloe said, interrupting Gwen.

  “I’ll give you that. But once it leaked, it brought his father into the limelight in the worst way. They began questioning his parenting skills and his values. He ended up resigning from his position in government and Prince was never seen again. I think the family moved to California or something.”

  “Damn,” I said.

  “Yeah. But learn the lesson. Never record anything you don’t want everyone to see. There is no privacy here in such a small school.”

  “And avoid clingers,” Chloe added, making us all laugh.

  Relief lifted the weight that had been sitting on my chest all day when I felt like they let me into their group.

  Despite the circumstances, it looked like things were going to be okay here.

  Chapter Three

  Kevin

  The unusually warm weather had continued over the past week and I took advantage of it by climbing onto the roof outside my window. Even at night, all I needed was a hoodie to stay warm. I liked it out there. Especially on clear nights where I could stare at the stars and relax in silence. Over the past year, I’d felt myself shifting, wanting to be alone more often, distancing myself from my friends and feeling less comfortable around them. I’d known them my whole life, but over time, I was being shaped into a mold that didn’t fit anymore. Being up on the roof alone let me escape the confines of that mold.

  The sound of a door closing caused me to lean up on my elbows. Ana was skipping down her front steps heading for her mailbox. I sat up, wanting to get her attention but without scaring her.

  I called out her name as softly as I could, but it didn’t work. She let out a shriek and dropped the envelopes she’d been holding.

  “Shit, sorry,” I said, louder this time.

  Her eyes scanned the yard. “Where the hell are you?”

  “Up here. On the roof.”

  Her eyes zeroed in on me. “You scared the shit out of me.”

  “Sorry,” I said, laughing.

  “What are you doing up there?”

  “It’s my secret hideout. Want to come hang out? I’d be happy to share it with you.”

  She scanned the patio beneath me and looked up to where I was laying, one eyebrow raised. “And how do I get up there?”

  “Just climb. I’ll help you.”

  At first the invitation to my quiet zone had popped out without much thought, but instead of regretting it, I liked the idea of sharing the space with her. She wouldn’t expect me to act a certain way. She wouldn’t come up here and force me back into any mold. I could be whoever I wanted with Ana.

  “Okay,” she answered slowly, sounding hesitant about getting up there. She dropped the mail on her porch and then jogged across the grass.

  “Drag that chair over to the railing and then climb on it so you can stand on the rail. It should get you high enough to where I can pull you up the rest of the way.”

  She did as I said, and I rolled to my stomach to grip her hands. I tugged her up bit by bit until she got high enough to do the rest. She was still in her school skirt and it rode up, exposing the backs of her thighs in the process. My dick tightened at her bare skin. I swallowed hard and forced myself to look away. I wouldn’t be a creeper.

  She rolled over, stretching her legs out in front of her and resting back on her hands. “Nice view up here.”

  I mimicked her pose and looked up at the inky sky dotted with stars. “Yeah, it’s not too bad.” We sat there for a while, enjoying the warm night air. My eyes flicked to her every now and then, but she looked at peace with her head dipped back, her long blond hair flowing down her back. I was happy I’d shared my roof with her.

  “How was your first day of school?”

  “It was good. Probably better because of you.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Once I had your stamp of approval, I was brought right into the fold.”

  “You would have been fine without me. You’re a cool chick.”

  She turned to me with a smile. “Thanks. You’re a cool dude.”

  “I do what I can. But seriously, you would’ve done fine. I may have sped up the process, but you would’ve been okay without my help.”

  She didn’t look convinced.

  “Have you guys all been friends for long?”

  “Yeah. Some of us since kindergarten.”

  “How long have you known Gwen?”

  I noticed she was biting her lip.

  “Probably since fifth grade.”

  “Oh. How long have you been dating?” Her voice sounded tight, like she was uncomfortable with the question. The caveman part of me hoped she cared I was dating Gwen, that she was jealous. But I shouldn’t want to make any girl who wasn’t my girlfriend jealous.

  “About six months.” She didn’t speak for a while after that. She just nodded and stared up at the sky.

  “Do you have a boyfriend back in Tennessee?”

  She snorted. “I can’t say that I do. There isn’t much in Tennessee for me anymore.”

  I hated how sad that admission sounded. I knew her parents were divorced, but maybe it didn’t end well. “How long ago did your parents get divorced?”

  She didn’t answer for the longest time, and I was about to move on, but then she spoke.

  “Right before Christmas. They told me at Thanksgiving.”

  “Shit, Ana. That sucks.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Do you plan on going back to visit often?”

  “I don’t know,” she answered quietly.

  “Won’t your dad want to see you? Or is he coming here to visit?” I looked over and saw her jaw clench, and I knew I asked the wrong thing. I might as well have stuffed my foot in my mouth and choked on it.

  “I don’t know. On both counts.”

  “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have pried.”

  She breathed out a laugh and shook her head. “Don’t worry about it. I just haven’t talked abo
ut it with anyone.” She turned to me with a lopsided smile. “Thanks for inviting me onto your roof.”

  “You can come up here anytime. Next time I’ll move the table over so it’s easier for you to get up. And, Ana, you can always talk to me. Won’t tell a soul.” I mimed zipping and locking my lips.

  “Okay.” She laughed. “So, is this your special space?”

  “Yup. So feel super lucky that I’m sharing.”

  “Oh, I do.” She nodded seriously before turning her face back to the sky. “You must miss it up here when the weather is bad.”

  “Yeah. But then I just go out back and stretch out on one of the lounge chairs.”

  “The man has a plan for everything.”

  “Damn straight. And you’re welcome to come hang out with me anytime. Do you have your phone?”

  “Yeah. Why?”

  I held out my hand and waited while she dug into her pockets and handed me her phone. With her eyebrow raised, I clicked the screen to life, programmed my number into her phone, and then texted myself so I had hers. “There,” I said, giving it back to her. “Now you can message me anytime you need me to meet you out here or out back.”

  “Thanks, Kevin.”

  “Anytime, Ana.”

  Chapter Four

  Kevin

  The breeze from my open window rattled the blinds. I sat up from my bed and pulled the chord to lift them up. Looking across the open space between my house and Ana’s, I took in her dark window and wondered when she would get home. I needed a friend to keep me from my own thoughts, but her whole house was dark. Over the past four months, Ana had become that friend I leaned on the most. Since there was no point in messaging her and asking her to come over, I stretched out on my bed instead.

  I’d just gotten home from spending the evening at Gwen’s. After dinner, she’d pulled me down to her basement to “watch a movie.” Instead, we ended up with my dick out of my pants and her making her way down to suck me off. It was great at first.