Shame

by Fiona Cole

  Her eyes squinted. “Shouldn’t be too hard.” She shrugged. “I’m pretty hot.”

  “I’ll drink to that.” Gwen passed the bottle, and I took the world’s tiniest sip and then sucked the shit out of the lime, trying my hardest to hold back my shudder. So gross.

  “Sorry for being a bitch out there. You’re a good friend to come and get me drunk after all that.”

  I passed the bottle back to her and shrugged, taking the opportunity to lighten things up. “It’s okay. I’m pretty hot too. It’s hard to imagine anyone who wouldn’t want me.”

  My plan worked, and she choked on her sip of tequila, making us both laugh.

  “Okay, let’s get you up off this floor and find you a ride home. The party’s dying down anyway.” I didn’t know if it was, but I knew leaving her there wasn’t a good idea. She was drunk and needed to get home before she ended up making any bad decisions in her frame of mind.

  Once I’d detached Chloe from Josh’s face, I was able to convince her to leave and take Gwen home. No longer having the distraction of worrying about her, I was finally able to go see Kevin.

  Then it hit me, almost making me stumble on the sidewalk, Gwen was no longer a distraction to Kevin either. She’d been a solid reason for me to stop thinking of Kevin as anyone more than a friend, but after tonight, she was no longer a valid excuse.

  My steps picked up, along with my heartbeat, as I got closer to home to see how Kevin was doing. Originally, I’d wanted to chase Kevin down and see that he was okay.

  After all, he was my friend.

  My now without-a-girlfriend, friend.

  Fuck.

  Chapter Six

  Kevin

  I stretched out on the roof, feeling the rough grit of the shingles dig into my back. My hands rested on my stomach and I focused on the rise and fall of my chest. It took a while, but eventually my breathing began to calm down. Hearing Gwen screaming like that in front of all our friends, making a scene, and then dragging Ana into it, I had to get out of there. The fast-paced walk home hadn’t done anything to calm me down.

  I hadn’t planned on breaking up with her there. But when she arrived, I could smell the alcohol on her breath. She clung to me for the whole hour I’d managed to stomach her behavior, but I became more and more irritated as her touches grew bolder. I shouldn’t have been bothered by my girlfriend rubbing on me, but there I was, imagining shrugging her off.

  Things had been different for us the last couple of months. It wasn’t long after I’d freaked out and bolted from her house that I thought I had enough control over my mind to give in and have sex. And Gwen was pushy. When she wanted something, she gave it her all until she got it. Once she’d set her mind to us having sex, she pulled out all the stops to make it happen.

  It didn’t take much; I cared about her. No matter what she’d done to push it, I wouldn’t have had sex with her if I hadn’t cared. But when you’re sixteen and your girlfriend shows up at school with no underwear on and puts your hand up her skirt, asking you to come over while her parents are gone, you show up. No questions asked. I’d had full control over myself as we worked our way through foreplay, and I really focused on taking control of my reactions and taking care of her. But once I’d rolled the condom on and pushed in that first time, I saw her wince, and that was it for me. That wince and small cry of pain turned me on more than anything had leading up to that point. All I’d wanted to do was push harder and see if I could get more cries of pain from her to fuel the fire that raged inside me. Then I was back to freaking out about what a cruel asshole I was and worried about what I’d do, lost in the moment. I’d closed my eyes and held on to what little control I’d had until it was over.

  We’d only had sex two other times after that, and I’d made her be on top, pinning my hands at my side. When it became difficult to get off, I’d closed my eyes and imagined flipping her over and pinning her down. I’d imagined horrible, foul things a man shouldn’t do to a woman he cared about. Afterward, I felt like a monster, but in the moment, when those thoughts filled my head, I felt like a master in control of the universe. Power coursed through my body and came flooding out with a roar as I orgasmed.

  Something was wrong with me. These thoughts weren’t normal. Which was why I’d put off having sex with Gwen since.

  But when she kept pushing my limits at the party, trying to climb onto my lap with everyone around us, I couldn’t take it anymore. I’d finally grabbed her hand and walked her out into the yard, hoping for some privacy. She’d followed willingly, thinking I was going to give in and fuck her right there where everyone could see. Yeah right. Like I wanted anyone to witness the way I barely held it together during sex.

  Like I wanted to take the chance of anyone seeing the brutal beast I hid within me.

  I ran my hand over my face and distracted myself by looking up at the stars, trying to find Orion’s Belt. Anything to stop rehashing the night. Especially the moment Gwen had dragged Ana into my mess.

  Fuck, I’d screwed up.

  I don’t know how long I laid there, but at some point, I heard the soft rustle of footsteps in the grass and then the familiar sounds of Ana climbing up onto the roof. I didn’t reach for her hand this time to help her up or even turn my head to see the look on her face. Was it frustration that I managed to put her in the middle of this? Was it pity that I got reamed in front of our friends by a five-foot, one-hundred-pound girl? I didn’t want to find out.

  She didn’t say anything at first, she just lay down beside me and watched the stars, her presence a comfort on its own.

  “You okay?” she asked after a while.

  I breathed out a laugh. “Yeah. I guess. I should be asking you that. You’re the one who got yelled at unnecessarily.” Not being able to not see her expression, I turned my head to look at her. With the soft glow of the moon bathing us, I could see her blond hair fanned out underneath her. Her profile showed the soft curve of her nose and her full bottom lip caught between her teeth.

  “I’m fine, Kevin.” She shrugged. “I actually ended up talking to Gwen for a while and drinking some tequila. That’s what took me so long to get here. I had to mend fences and give a sister some support from the douche canoe who broke up with her in the middle of a party. I made sure she knew I was all about chicks before dicks.”

  She turned to me with a smile in her eyes, probably holding back a laugh at the way my face had screwed up.

  “Douche canoe?”

  Her lips parted into a full smile and she winked.

  “And you had tequila?”

  “Yeah,” she laughed, looking back up at the stars. “That shit is disgusting. I may never drink again. All of it is gross.” She shuddered.

  “Chicks before dicks, huh?”

  She squeezed her eyes shut and laughed. “That’s what I told her.” Her laughter faded. “I wanted to help a friend, even though she lashed out at me. And I didn’t exactly want ‘boyfriend stealer’ hanging over my head for the next two years.”

  “You’re not a boyfriend stealer.”

  “I know. And now Gwen knows too. Talking to her smoothed things out.” She kept her eyes glued to the inky sky as I continued to watch her. “Otherwise I would’ve been here sooner. I knew you were hurting too, and you’re my best friend. I’m sorry I took so long.”

  I was glad she wasn’t looking at me, because she would’ve seen a big goofy smile on my face. Hearing her call me her best friend warmed my blood. Part of me felt like a little kid because I was so happy to hear someone consider me that close. She never talked about friends from Tennessee, and when I brought it up, she just shrugged it off. I liked the idea of being the person she leaned on. It made me feel important. I never felt any pressure around Ana. We fit together so naturally, in a way we hadn’t yet discovered with anyone else.

  A cool breeze blew her hair across her face, and she shivered.

  “Hang on.” I scooted back into my room through the window. Looking around for somet
hing to help keep her warm, I spotted the blanket on my bed and grabbed it before heading back out. I had to sit a little closer to her so we could both fit under the blanket. I flung it out over us and jokingly tucked it up to her chin, like you would a child.

  Lying back, I thought about how she called me her best friend. I wanted to hear her say it again. “So, I’m your best friend?” I gushed dramatically. Maybe she’d think I was kidding, but I was completely serious.

  “Who else?” She laughed. “I don’t talk to anyone back home, and you’ve made me feel so comfortable. You’re always there to talk to and help me feel good about being me. I’m pretty sure that’s the definition of best friend.”

  I let her words wash over me, making me warmer than the blanket could’ve ever done. Staring up, I decided to return the favor and release the words into the atmosphere, hoping they warmed her too. “Well, you’ve become my best friend too. I don’t have to be anything other than myself around you.”

  Our confessions were simple and innocent, but they felt heavier, deeper, like they were much more. I moved my hand an inch to the left and brushed up against her soft skin, just enough to link my pinky with hers. It was nothing, but my heart pounded when her pinky tightened around mine. The point of connection between us stretched up my arm and into my chest, setting it on fire. I couldn’t help but hope she felt it too and cherished our friendship like I did.

  “Thanks for coming for me,” I whispered.

  “Anytime, Kevin.”

  Chapter Seven

  Ana

  “Isaac went down on me last night,” Gwen announced during a lull in the conversation.

  Thank God I’d worn my sunglasses, especially to cover up the way my eyes must have bugged out. A group of us were sitting on the loungers surrounding Kevin’s pool. School would be starting soon, and we’d spent about half our summer soaking up the sun at Kevin’s. While others also had pools, no one had one like Kev’s. His had a six-inch-deep lounge area in the pool and a diving board. The real clincher was the kitchen/bar area. His mom said it was worth every penny if it meant keeping dirty, dripping boys from running in and out of the house for drinks and snacks.

  Next to the pool area was a large backyard with plenty of room to play soccer if the mood struck. I had to admit, it made the summer pretty awesome.

  For the past thirty minutes, we’d been swapping stories about guys and the part they’d played in our summer break. Well, I didn’t have anything to say. I’d worked at the local library part-time, and when I wasn’t doing that, I was hanging out with Kevin or our larger group of friends.

  You’d think that after all this time, I’d have been used to the overshare, but it still managed to catch me off-guard. And they didn’t spare any detail about their lives: Who they were dating, how heavy or light their periods were, what sexual conquests they’d had. Nothing was sacred.

  I, however, still felt too new to spew my secrets to a group that had been friends for over ten years. I usually sat back and soaked it all in. Their bold confessions were something I took as signs of their trust.

  “He worships the ground I walk on,” Gwen continued. It hadn’t taken her long to move on to another guy in our group. It was like she’d pointed her finger at him, deeming him acceptable, and he fell at her feet in gratefulness. It was quite impressive. The other two girls sighed as they looked over at Isaac standing with the other guys around the outdoor kitchen.

  My eyes were drawn, as always, to Kevin. He wore blue swim trunks and leaned over the counter, supporting himself on both elbows, listening to Sean, who was telling a story.

  Kevin had changed over the summer. Hell, all the guys had. It was like they hit a magical point and started filling out the long bodies they’d acquired at puberty. But I couldn’t help but stare at Kevin’s abs when they contracted on a laugh. He’d always been tall, standing over six feet, but kind of lanky, even though he ate like a horse. Then, his biceps started getting bigger to match his chest. And god, don’t even get me started on the deep ridge on each side of his abdomen.

  It was no wonder the girls all sat there holding back drool. I began to wonder what the hell they put in the water they gave to the soccer players.

  My shameless ogling of Kevin’s muscles screeched to a halt when Chloe said my name.

  “Have you guys seen the way Sean has been staring at Ana?” she whispered.

  “Right? He’s been eye-fucking her hard these past two weeks,” Jane added.

  “M-me?” When I looked over at him, he was smiling at me. In my shock, I felt my eyes grow wide, and it was hard to imagine what my face looked like. It must have been enough for Sean, because he added a wink before turning back to the conversation.

  “No.” I shook my head, not knowing what else to say.

  “It’s those amazing boobs you’ve got going on.” Gwen’s words made me look down at my chest. Kevin wasn’t the only one who grew this summer. Somehow, I’d jumped from an A cup to a C cup.

  “They’re okay, I guess.” Shrugging, I tried to hide the blush that was creeping into my cheeks. I didn’t want them to know how uncomfortable I was with all of them staring at my chest.

  “Better than mine,” Gwen muttered. She was tiny all over. I towered over her.

  “Whatever,” I scoffed. “You’re hot and you know it.”

  “You’re right. I am pretty hot.” Gwen’s confidence more than made up for her small stature, and it made her more gorgeous and desirable than a pair of big breasts ever would. The girls moved on to another conversation and I zoned out, this time staring at Sean rather than Kevin.

  It was impossible not to compare the two. Sean was much lighter in coloring, with blond hair and blue eyes. He was shorter than Kevin but had a thicker build.

  Staring longer than was necessary, I admitted to myself that I liked the idea of him checking me out. He was hot and nice . . . and not permanently locked in friend category. That was enough to let my imagination run away with the idea that Sean liked me. We’d hung out in the group together, but never alone. He made me smile with his stories. I didn’t know if he made them up or they’d actually happened, but I didn’t care because they were hilarious.

  Yeah. I could picture myself hanging out with Sean alone.

  “I call Ana,” Kevin shouted, after the guys decided to play a game of chicken.

  “Not fair,” Josh complained. “You guys are the tallest combo. Ana has the longest reach.”

  “The taller they are, the easier they fall,” Sean added. He scrunched his face and brought two fingers up, pointing at his eyes first, and then mine, letting me know he was watching me. I shrugged carelessly. But when I turned, I bit back a smile, enjoying his attention on me.

  A yelp escaped me when I was suddenly swept up in someone’s arms. Kevin was smiling down at me, a mischievous smile.

  “Kevin!” I yelled. “Don’t you d—” My words were cut off by my deep inhale before we were submerged under water. I managed to squirm free of his hold and pushed to the surface. “You dick!” Gasping for air, I pushed wet hair out of my face. I wiped my eyes and glared at him as he laughed. When he laughed some more, I splashed a huge wave of water at him, causing him to sputter.

  He was still laughing when he caught up to me in the shallow end where everyone else had eased themselves in the water of their own free will. I slapped his shoulder for good measure.

  “Oh, c’mon, Ana. You don’t want to injure your partner before we start. How else will we kick everyone’s ass?”

  “It might be worth it,” I muttered.

  He moved toward me and wrapped his arms around my shoulders before pulling me close for an aggressive hug, twisting us side to side to make waves. “You know you love me.”

  “Maybe.” I admitted, goose bumps rippling along my skin. I wanted to sink into him and stay there.

  “Are you guys done with your foreplay? Can we play now?” Isaac said, joking.

  Kevin and I were around each other all the time an
d were comfortable with each other’s touch. I’d never thought anything of it when he wrapped an arm around me, because he was always offering comfort. At least, I’d tried not to, but deep down, there was no denying the thrill that made my heart skip a beat when we touched.

  “You seem awfully eager to get beat, Lowell,” Kevin taunted.

  “Yeah, we’ll see,” Isaac said. “You can go against Gwen and me first.”

  Kevin ducked under water and pushed his head between my legs before he stood up. I swallowed hard at feeling his long fingers grabbing tight onto my thighs. My heart pounded in my chest a mile a minute. No matter how often we played chicken, I never got used to having his head between my legs. And didn’t that conjure up one hell of a picture? I hoped everyone blamed the hot sun for the reason that my cheeks were turning red.

  This was my friend.

  My best friend.

  Not someone I let my thoughts wander with. Usually.

  “You ready, A?” Kevin asked.

  Taking a deep breath, I cleared my head. “Let’s get ‘em.”

  Kevin lunged forward and one of my hands gripped his scalp as the other reached out to shove Gwen. When I was finally stable enough to let go of Kevin’s head, I used both arms to latch on to Gwen. She got a good shove in that almost knocked me down, but Kevin gripped my thighs tighter, digging in deep. The pain was sharp and rippled up my legs pulling an ‘ow’ from me.

  “Sorry, A.”

  But the sharp pain he delivered made my skin burn for a whole other reason. I couldn’t help but look at his fingers gripping the soft flesh of my thighs and wonder if there would be a bruise tomorrow.

  Another shove brought me back to the game and I needed to end it and get off Kevin’s shoulders before I made a fool out of myself. A few more minutes of laughter and I finally succeeded in dismounting Gwen. We went up against everyone, but Kevin and I came out victorious every time.