Shame

by Fiona Cole

  “I’ll see what I can make happen,” he said, running a hand through his hair.

  Honestly, I avoided practices because I didn’t want to take a chance getting caught staring at Kevin. I was giving it my all to make it work with Sean because Kevin and I were friends, and it would never go beyond that. It was fine and what I wanted. But it didn’t stop the attraction I felt toward him. So instead, I tried to focus on Sean. But with both of them flaunting their bodies together, I didn’t want to find out, with everyone watching, which one drew my eye more.

  Also, Sean and Kevin were close friends, but I could tell Sean was a little bothered with how close I was to Kevin. He would casually ask how much I talked to him or if we ever hung out since we lived next door to each other. I’d decided to be vague; not going into detail about how often we met out on the loungers by his pool, or up on the roof to talk about our days. It was less than before, so it could be considered not much.

  I ignored the little voice in my head that was calling me a liar.

  Sean started telling me a story about how the guys pranked Isaac and hid his clothes from him while he was in the shower, and I reminded myself how good it was to sit there and laugh with someone who was so good to me. So what if he didn’t light my world on fire. So what if it was two months and we were still softly kissing like it was our first time. I liked Sean and there was more to a relationship than my—odd—desires.

  Sean walked me to my door and said goodnight with a chaste kiss on my cheek. I stood on the stoop and waved as he drove away. Once he turned the corner, I ran over to Kevin’s. We’d talked earlier and said we needed to make time to catch up this week. We’d had midterms on top of everything else and decided to watch a movie and veg in his bonus room. He said his parents wouldn’t be home and he would leave the door unlocked for me.

  Turning the knob, I was surprised to find it locked but shrugged it off and grabbed the key from under the planter on the side patio. I put the key back and locked the door behind me. Standing in the foyer, I listened for where he was. I made my way up the stairs when I heard music coming from his room. When I reached the landing, I froze.

  My heart pounded in my chest and I stopped breathing. Or maybe I was breathing too hard and too fast, because my vision swam. But no amount of dizziness could hide what I saw beyond the half-opened door to Kevin’s room.

  Kevin had his pants half way up his thighs. That was all. No shirt. No underwear. Just his soft, thick penis resting over the waist of his jeans.

  It seemed as the whole moment was frozen, neither of us moving once he spotted me.

  And I just stood there staring.

  Chapter Ten

  Kevin

  It wasn’t until Ana’s wide eyes lifted to mine that I was zapped into action and finally able to move.

  “Shit,” I muttered, yanking up my pants and tucking my dick in. It took a minute to adjust after zipping up since I was starting to get hard from having her stare at me so intently.

  Ana finally dropped her eyes to the ground and began looking anywhere but through my door. I knew she was coming over, but I didn’t realize she would be so early. She shifted from foot to foot probably trying to figure out how to proceed. It wasn’t every day you saw your friend’s privates. A part of me wanted to joke and say that since she saw mine, that she needed to show me hers, but I didn’t want to freak her out any more than she looked right then.

  “I’m sorry, Ana. I figured your date would take longer.” She looked up and took a cautious step forward, followed by another until she was standing in my room and avoiding my stare. “Are you freaked out?” I asked, but answered before she could. “You’re freaked out.”

  She finally looked at me, and I could see the wheels turning as she tried to decide how to react. I didn’t know which way she’d go. Her eyes changed first, going from cautious to smiling and I tipped my head, wondering what was going to come out of her mouth.

  “I’m not freaked out,” she said with a shrug. “I was just thinking that I’ve seen better.”

  “Oh yeah?” I taunted, relieved she hadn’t bolted. “Well it sure as hell wasn’t Sean’s because I’ve seen him the showers.”

  “You checking out all the guys’ junk in the shower, Kev? Is that what you’re into?”

  Oh hell no. “I’ll show you what I’m into.” I snagged her by the waist before she could take a running step away.

  “No! Stop!” she yelled, even though I hadn’t even started my assault.

  I hauled her close and wrapped my arms around her in a bear hug, digging my fingers into her ribs. She squirmed and started laughing, pleading with me to stop. I focused on the task of tickling her and doing my best to ignore the way her soft breasts pushed against my chest. “Say I have the best dick you’ve ever seen,” I demanded. “Say it.”

  “No,” she gasped between giggles. “Never. It’s so small I was surprised I could see it from so far.”

  “Oomph,” I grunted when a small fist landed on my ribs. She managed to squirm free, but my long legs ate up the space, and I hauled her back and tossed her onto the bed, falling on top of her to try and pin her. “Say it. Say ‘Kevin has the most magnificent cock in the whole wide world.’”

  She was putting up a hell of a fight and would manage to squirm free because she knew where my ticklish spots were too. And her legs were so strong from dance that she kept pushing me away with them. My height was the only advantage that helped me keep her in my reach.

  “Fine,” she sighed. I stopped to watch her and relish my win. “Kevin has the most . . . miniscule cock,” she shoved me back with her legs, almost knocking me off the bed.

  “That’s it.” When she went to roll away, I grabbed her and pinned both hands under my wrists and fell with my full weight on her, pinning her legs and rendering them useless. I opened my mouth to make more demands, but when I looked down she’d just finished shaking her hair out of her face and smiled up at me, taking my breath away.

  Suddenly, there was no more air in my lungs. We’d wrestled before, but it was usually in the pool and never with so much contact. Or alone on a bed. All of it hit me and I felt like my lungs would collapse from the pressure of the moment. Her smile faded, picking up on my tension, and she swallowed. I saw the way her delicate throat moved up and down with the effort.

  When her pink tongue sneaked out to lick at her bottom lip, I lost my battle. Not even trying to control my actions, I pressed my mouth to hers roughly, taking what I wanted.

  A voice in my head was screaming at me to stop, but it was drowned out by the roar of desire consuming all my senses. I pushed my tongue between her teeth and she opened without a fight. Our tongues brushed against each other, mine with dominance and hers with a timid touch.

  The moan that came from her throat seeped into me, and I swallowed it whole, feeding off it.

  She liked it. That thought repeated like a drum in my head. She liked the way I was kissing her. She liked my loss of control.

  So many emotions were raging through me, but when I pulled back and bit at her lush bottom lip and she whimpered, the feeling of coming home settled in my chest making it feel like my heart was going to burst. Of course it did. It was Ana, who accepted every part of me. From the moment my lips touched hers, it didn’t cross my mind to hide who I was. My body urged me to push more, more, more, and I did.

  Again, the voice tried to break through the fog and get me to stop. Instead, I moved both wrists to one hand, relishing the feel of her soft skin within my grip. I squeezed around her fragile bones and swallowed her gasp from the pressure. Using my free hand, I glided it down her body and gripped her full ass, shifting her so I could wedge myself more firmly between her thighs, bared by her dress riding up.

  Testing my limits, I pushed myself into her, grinding on her. I pulled back and watched the desire flare in her eyes. Needing more, I dropped my head and bit my way down her neck, completely opposite of the soft kisses I would’ve bestowed on any other girl. I
gave her me.

  Each bite elicited a cry from her parted lips and my muscles tightened. I squeezed her wrists again, wanting to remind her that she was pinned beneath me, under my control. The idea that my hands might’ve left a mark for tomorrow made me push my dick harder into her core. Her damp panties began to soak through the denim of my jeans and my control unraveled a little more.

  Soon, my mouth was at her collarbone and moving lower to her plump breasts. Her hard nipple brushed my chin through the thin material of her bra and dress and I pulled back to admire it. I couldn’t wait to see them, to taste them. They’d been taunting me for months. She said nothing when I looked up at her. Her blue eyes shined with trust and desire as I lowered my mouth to her peak and nipped at it. Her hips thrust up hard into mine as a cry fell from her. A growl rumbled deep in my chest and fire blazed through my limbs.

  I moved my mouth to the other nipple when the front door slammed. Immediately, her body stiffened beneath me. I moved back on my haunches and watched her scramble up and adjust her dress.

  “Shit,” she muttered. “Shit, shit, shit,” she repeated with her shaking hands running through her hair.

  I inhaled deeply, trying to regain my composure. The voice that had been trying to break through finally did. Its scream echoing in my head. You really fucked up this time.

  “I’m sorry, Ana. Completely my fault.”

  She looked up at my confession. Her blues eyes filled with confusion and the last remnants of desire. But she clamped her lips shut and shifted her shoulders back, fortifying herself. “Don’t be sorry. You’re my best friend, Kevin,” she said, as though it explained away what had taken place on my bed. “Don’t be sorry.”

  I blinked a few times taking in her words. “Okay,” I agreed with a slight nod, not sure I believed it.

  She leaned in and placed a lingering kiss on my forehead. “I’m going to head out the window to avoid your parents. Let’s do the movie another night.” Her voice was solid and strong, as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened, but I knew her, and I could still hear the slight quavering below the steel.

  “Yeah. Okay.” I was reduced to simple one-word responses until the blood redistributed out of my cock.

  One more nod and then she slipped out into the night, heading back to her house.

  When my mom yelled that they were home, I let her know I was in my room for the night. I turned off my light, stripped from my jeans and fell back into bed. Closing my eyes, I tried to will myself to sleep even though it was only a little after nine. But images began rushing through my mind. I imagined if she’d stayed and what would’ve happened.

  I tried to control them, push them away, but blood was throbbing through my body to my dick and it became impossible to ignore.

  Just that night. Just that night I would give in.

  My hand moved under the covers and gripped the shaft of my dick, squeezing tightly before roughly pulling up and moving back down. My speed increased as the images came faster. I imagined flipping her over as she fought me, and ripping her panties from her. I wanted to control her body and grip her hips as I shoved inside her. Her cries echoed in my mind as I thought about slamming into her over and over again. Taking her.

  Just in time, I flipped the sheet back and flexed my ass as the orgasm came pouring out of me, splashing against my chest. It seemed to go on forever as I loosened the death grip I had on my cock and rode out the waves of ecstasy rolling through my body.

  But once the fire faded, my skin broke out in chills and my stomach cramped as I rethought what I’d just done. Not only had I jerked off to thoughts of my friend, I’d gotten off on thoughts of assaulting her. Not once did I envision gently making love to someone I cared about more than anything. Instead, I imagined fucking her, roughly, and drowning in her cries as I forced her.

  The thought of her struggling under me, made the urge more intense. My stomach cramped again and after wiping my cum off my chest, I curled into a ball, hoping it would ease the ache.

  Curling my hands together, I prayed to God to help me push the thoughts away. To help me be normal.

  Chapter Eleven

  Ana

  Fuck, fuck, fuck. The words were a chant in my head as I dashed across the lawn and in through my front door, falling against it once it was closed.

  “Hey Sweetie, how was your date?” my mom asked from her perch on the couch. She leaned back, cradling a glass of wine and watching television. “How’s Sean?”

  “Good.” I took a minute to catch my breath. “Good. He’s good. I’m good. Date was good.”

  She squinted, probably wondering why I kept stuttering out ‘good.’

  “Everything okay?” she asked slowly.

  “Yeah. Sure. Why?”

  “Other than the fact that you came barreling in the house like you were being chased?” She paused giving me time to explain. I couldn’t come up with a valid excuse, so I just smiled. “Everything with Sean okay?”

  With Sean, yeah. Everything was great with Sean. Other than the fact that he had the worst girlfriend in the entire world. However, things with Kevin were in wild chaos and I was still caught in a spiraling motion, unable to process anything. I took a deep breath and tried to calm down enough to reassure her. “Yeah, Mom. Things are great. Sean took me to dinner and it was, as usual, very nice.”

  That seemed to appease her. “Good. I’m glad you had a good time. He’s such a nice boy. You two are lucky to have found each other.” She lifted her glass to her lips, and I took the opportunity to head to my room. I opened the door without turning the light on and looked out my window to Kevin’s. The lights were out.

  Sadness hit me that I wouldn’t be able to wave goodnight like we did most nights. But then relief followed because I didn’t know what I felt, and I wasn’t even sure I was able to lift my hand and wave at him after what had just happened.

  Leaving the lights out, I stripped out of my dress and put on a nightshirt. My heart raced as I fell into bed, not slowing even after fifteen minutes. Staring at the ceiling, I brought my hands to my puffy lips. They tingled from the force he’d kissed me with.

  My hands began taking stock of how my body felt in the places he’d touched me. Once they were done with my lips, they moved to my wrists. I wondered if I turned on the light, if I would be able to see red marks from where he’d gripped me so hard.

  They skimmed down my neck to where he bit me. Bit me. I still couldn’t believe it. My sweet friend Kevin—my best friend—had bit his way down my neck and kissed me in a way that I’d only dreamed of when I touched myself. Hurt me in a way that I’d only thought of in the dark of night, where it was easier to fall asleep rather than dwell on how dirty I felt imagining things a lady didn’t normally imagine.

  But he had. Kevin had pinned me down and taken what he’d wanted. As my fingers reached my chest, the thud of my heart greeted them. It beat in fear of what the night meant for us. But mainly, it beat with excitement.

  My nipples peaked under my shirt, remembering his mouth on them, nibbling, sucking, biting, his eyes never leaving mine, almost as if he was daring me to even try and stop him. I wondered how far it would have gone had his parents not come home. I’d felt his hardness grinding against me, making me wet. My fingers reached my panties, and I stroked the soft cotton, imagining that he felt the wetness seeping into his jeans.

  I didn’t need to use my imagination about what he looked like, the images of his thick penis resting above his jeans was forever burned in my mind. My fingers moved under my panties and rubbed through my slick pussy, rising to rub at my clit.

  What would he have done to me?

  Would he have ripped my panties from me? Would he have taken me? What if I’d tried to fight him off? Would he have still pinned me, leaving marks on my body as he held my hips in place and fucked me? Would he have gone slow? Or would he have pushed in all at once, swallowing my cries as he fucked me the way he seemed to want, not concerned with my pleasure?


  I rubbed faster, circling in closer to my bud, biting my lip to hold back my cries. My other hand traveled back up my body, pinching my nipples and pulling to the point of pain, extending them as far as they could go.

  I imagined him flipping me over and pushing my face in the pillow to hide my cries of pain mixed with ecstasy as he fucked me. I could almost hear the crack of his hand against my ass, the fantasy was so real behind my eyes.

  And I came. My toes digging in to the mattress, pinching the sheets between them, flexing my ass, riding the orgasm roaring through me. The grip I had on my nipple loosened and my circling fingers slowed, coming down from my high.

  But nothing could slow down the fall. As the throb in my core ebbed, I slammed back to reality and felt engulfed in an ocean of shame.

  Kevin was my friend. Who did that? Who got off to their friend? Who imagined the disgusting things I imagined? Who wanted that?

  Whores. That’s who. Porn stars and sluts. I swallowed the large lump clogging my throat as I imagined anyone knowing what dirty things rolled through my mind.

  But Kevin liked it.

  Shaking my head and squeezing my eyes shut against the burn, I brushed the thought away. Kevin was probably caught up in the moment. And just because he’d bit me a little, didn’t mean he would take me like that. He was sweet and caring and he would never treat me like that. God, he must have thought how easy I was. I didn’t need a mirror to realize how red my face must’ve been, creeping up from my neck and burning my cheeks.

  Sean.

  Fuck. Sean. All the reasons the night was a huge mistake just kept hitting me, one after another. I didn’t know what to do about Sean. I didn’t know what to do about Kevin. I didn’t know what to do about myself.

  The first tear slipped down my cheek and I curled onto my side, praying for sleep so I could escape my perverted mind and all that was wrong with it.