Shame

by Fiona Cole

  “Kevin, just . . . just do it.” She paused, trying to control the tremble in her voice. Her tone soft, pleading. “Or whatever was on the computer. I don’t want to think or make decisions beyond wanting this. Please.”

  Staring down at her desperate blue eyes, I voiced my biggest fear. “What if I go too far, Ana?” I had to clear my throat to keep going. “What’s inside of me . . . What I fantasize about . . . it isn’t normal.”

  “Then whatever isn’t normal in you, isn’t normal in me either.” Her words sank in deep and soothed me. She was always able to soothe me. “And I can always say no.”

  She was wrong. I felt like a monster barely being held back by an already fraying rope. Like I was holding onto the edge of my control. But it was Ana—my Ana. I would never hurt her. I had to believe that.

  Closing my eyes, I took a couple deep breaths and searched for the right move to make. I didn’t know if it was the correct one, but it felt right at that moment. Especially when I opened my eyes to see hers filling with tears. She thought I was going to pull back. And looking at her, seeing the crushing disappointment fill her eyes, I knew I couldn’t.

  Consequences be damned.

  Testing the waters, I thrust my hand into her long blond hair and jerked her head back. The gasp slipping through her parted lips was all the confirmation I needed. Stepping closer, I jerked her head back again and issued my first order, somehow making my voice come out clear and hard. “Unbuckle my pants.”

  Her chest heaved beneath her long-sleeved button down flannel, drawing my eye to her rounded breasts, but my view was blocked when her hands began fumbling with the snap on my jeans. My pants immediately sagged around my ass since I’d never had a chance to pull the zipper back up in my panic over being caught.

  Ana looked to me for the next order, her hands resting on my tense thighs. “Take my dick out.”

  Her thin fingers gripped the denim and tugged, all with her eyes fixed on mine. My dick smacked her in the chin when it bobbed up from the confines of my pants. She pulled back to look at me and I barely restrained myself as her heaving breaths panted against the head of my dick. Fuck, I was going to explode in two seconds. “Suck me,” I choked out, my nerves rattling my vocal chords.

  She didn’t hesitate and a groan ripped from my chest when I was finally engulfed in her hot, wet mouth. No teasing kisses, no tender licks, just long firm sucks. Exactly like I ordered. Ana wasn’t lying when she said she didn’t want to make any decisions. She was at the mercy of my every order and that idea sent a shock of desire down my spine and straight to my balls.

  I relished the view of her eyelashes brushing the apples of her cheeks. The way her cheeks hollowed out every time she pulled back to my sensitive head. My orgasm started to build.

  I wanted to mark her. Stamp my ownership over her. Shoving the fear aside that I was going too far, I gave in to my desires and hoped I wasn’t making a mistake. “Unbutton your top. Show me your tits.”

  Ana’s eyes flicked up to mine and nerves flashed across them, but it was mostly hidden by desire. She moved her trembling fingers to her buttons and began undoing them one at a time, never stopping her bobbing head. Once she’d parted the material, all that was left was her white lacy bra. “All of it Ana.”

  She reached between her soft, creamy globes and flicked the front clasp, releasing the cups and pulling them apart to show me her pale pink nipples, pebbled hard.

  “Unnggg,” I grunted. My hand tightened in her hair and my hips thrust forward, pushing against the back of her throat. She gagged, fighting off the intrusion. The sound both excited and scared me that I’d gone too far. I’d had girls pull back at that moment and glare at me with irritation. The fearful part of me, expected her to pull back despite the grip I had on her hair.

  I wasn’t prepared for the moan that vibrated down my dick. It fueled me to be bolder, and I was lost in the sensations. I ignored the fear clawing at me and instead, gave in to what I wanted, lost in the heat firing through my veins. I became the controlling man I’d dreamed of being.

  “Don’t stop sucking. I’m going to use your mouth to get off.” She rocked her hips side to side and squeezed her thighs together. Fuck, she was just as turned on as I was. “Put your hands behind your back.”

  She did and I tightened my grip on her hair and began pushing my hips faster, watching my glistening cock pull out of her lips just to shove back in. Every couple thrusts I would tap the back of her throat and groan at the water filling her eyes. But I never pushed too far. I didn’t want to hurt her. I was doing my best to read the signs she was giving me, but I feared going too far.

  When she moaned again, I was done. Electricity zinged through my balls and I jerked out of her mouth just as I began shooting white, ropey cum all over her perfect, round tits. I held her head down so she could watch me mark her, watch the way my seed spilled down her chest. Once the roaring sound receded from my brain, I made sure to wipe the residual come clinging to the tip, off on her chest, using her like a rag. Using her, and she let me.

  She sat back on her heels, her chest heaving, staring at me with awe and a fire burning in her eyes. They glowed a dark blue, and I knew I needed to give her more.

  A drop of cum dripped down to the tip of her nipple. I dropped my finger to flick the hardened tip, collecting the cum and bringing it to her lips. She leaned in and sucked my whole finger in her mouth without hesitation.

  I pulled my finger out of her mouth with a pop. “Get on the bed.”

  Ana laid back on my navy sheets and I walked over, removing my clothes before setting to work on taking off her pants. Thank God she wore leggings, because I didn’t have the patience to pry tight jeans from her curves. Her breasts taunted me, bouncing with each forceful tug of her pants. Once they cleared her feet, I flung them to the floor and gripped the back of her thighs, pushing them out and to her chest, fully exposing her pussy—her bare pussy.

  “Kevin,” she whimpered, drawing my eyes to her face, scrunched with worry, her teeth digging into her bottom lip. I could feel the tension in her leg muscles as though she was fighting the way I’d spread her open.

  “Does this make you uncomfortable, Ana? Nervous?”

  She barely nodded. Part of me wanted to stop, to not make such an amazing woman uncomfortable. Another part remembered that she wanted me to take control and that she hadn’t told me no. I felt like a monster for enjoying it, but I was so turned on that I didn’t care.

  Holding her gaze, I dipped my head down and swiped my tongue around the lips of her pussy before placing a soft, barely-there kiss on her clit. She whimpered, but didn’t look away. “Good. Your discomfort turns me on.”

  It was hard to hold her eyes after that, because I didn’t know how she would take it. But it did turn me on, because it meant she was pleasing me despite moving out of her comfort zone. It meant she trusted me enough to take the lead.

  It was all the confirmation I needed before I plunged down and dragged my tongue from the bottom of her opening to the top and sucking hard on her clit. Her whimpers shifted to heavy moans escaping her pressed-together lips. I wanted to hear her lose control. I wanted her lips parted and saying my name—screaming it.

  A few more laps with my tongue and I had my wish.

  “Kevin. Kevin,” she chanted.

  Hearing my name slip past her lips on a groan, tightened my muscles and I gripped her soft thighs tightly, digging deep into the tendons and muscles, wanting to leave my mark there too. I wanted my mark all over her. Her legs twitched when I hit a certain soft spot, but her grunt and tightening pussy confirmed how much she liked it.

  Wanting to feel inside her, I let go of a thigh and let my middle finger rim her opening before easing in. She tightened, fighting off the intrusion, but I moved my thumb to press directly on her clit and she exploded. Heavy cries escaped from her mouth as her pussy clamped down on my single digit. I kept circling her clit, letting her ride the orgasm as I drank up all her sweet, tangy
cum.

  Her cries tapered off and I pulled my finger out of her before climbing between her legs. Resting my dick against her warm, wet pussy, I thrust a few times and leaned in, kissing her, letting her taste herself.

  Shifting my weight, I nipped at her lips and pulled back to stare into her glassy eyes. “I’m going to fuck you now.” Her blue eyes widened, and I tried to reassure her. “You can still say no. We can stop here.”

  Her legs tightened around my hips. “We need a condom,” she whispered.

  My Ana was so brave. My best friend lay below me, giving me everything I’d dreamed of and she did it with such beauty and grace, and I couldn’t have imagined sharing this moment with anyone else. I just hoped I was giving her the same perfect release she was giving me.

  After I’d slipped the condom on, I lined the head of my cock up with her wet opening.

  “I’m a virgin,” she blurted out.

  A pinch of excitement bubbled in my chest. How Ana was almost eighteen, so gorgeous, and still a virgin dumbfounded me, but I didn’t question it. Pride swelled through me that I’d be her first. Just another way to claim her. My inner caveman beat against his chest with a grunt. But all I said was, “I’ll go slow.”

  “Don’t,” she demanded.

  Clenching my jaw, I tried to control the beast screaming to be let free to ravage her. Just because she didn’t want me to go slow, didn’t mean I could pound into her like an animal. Instead, I eased in to her opening, letting her pussy wrap around my head, and pushed until I felt a resistance.

  I paused, letting the moment of anticipation build. Letting her wonder if I would be gentle or roughly take her virginity. I pulled back just enough and thrust my hips forward, tearing through her hymen, leaning down to claim her cries as my own. I pulled back and pushed in again and she cried out again. A voice in my head screamed for me to stop, to slow down, but I couldn’t. Not until I saw the tears leaking from her eyes. My heart stuttered to a stop.

  This was it. My worst nightmare played out before me as the moment I went too far. I’d hurt her and she would hate me. My arms shook, unable to support myself with the panic coursing through me. I began pulling back.

  Her arms locked around my neck, halting my retreat. “No, no. Please, Kevin.” I barely understood the words that tumbled from her swollen lips. Fueled by regret, the blood pounded through my head until it was almost deafening.

  “Please, Kevin. More. Make it hurt.”

  More? More. Yes, I’d heard that. Make it hurt.

  I took a breath to regain my composure and began giving her the ‘more’ she was begging for.

  I started slow, but hard. Dragging out before thrusting back in as hard as I could. Her cries mixed with the slap of our flesh.

  Because I’d just come, I was able to drag it out. Sweat dripped down my temples. I got lost in the rhythm, lost in the feel of her tight pussy gripping me. I was so lost in the pleasure and the moment of finally realizing all of my desires with her, that words tumbled out without thought.

  “Slut,” I grunted. “Are you a slut, Ana? Or would you rather I called you a whore? Letting me fuck you. Taking your virginity.”

  “Yes, yes,” she cried.

  Her response dissolved the bit of panic I’d felt at hearing myself utter those dirty words aloud. It felt like winning the lottery having her relish in the filthy words I was saying; having her willingly accept me. Want me. Want what we were doing.

  “Fuck me. Take me, Kevin.”

  “Say it. Say that you’re a slut. My slut.”

  “Yes. I’m your slut.”

  All mine.

  I lost it. I started pounding into her with no rhythm, just trying to keep up with the beat of my heart. Muttering words that didn’t even make sense half the time. “Look at those tits, Ana. I’ve dreamed of those tits and now I get to have them bounce beneath me as I fuck my slut.”

  Incoherent whimpers fell from her lips and I closed my eyes, letting them surround me in a cocoon. When I opened them, I looked down to find Ana tugging and twisting at her nipples, turning the pale pink to a rosy red. Mine. I knocked her hand away.

  “Those are my tits to play with.” Dropping my head, I took a nipple between my teeth and bit. Ana arched up beneath me as her tight cunt clamped around me.

  She was silent as she strained her whole body, arched up with her head thrown back until a loud cry escaped her. It came over and over again, matching the feel of her tightening pussy. Watching her get lost in the pleasure pulled me under with her and for the second time of the night, I came, leaning down to groan into her neck, holding myself deep inside her. Goose bumps broke out over my skin as the air around us cooled my body.

  Panting into her neck, my lone thought was that I’d never felt so happy before.

  So free.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Ana

  Barely a moment passed with Kevin’s slack body lying on my chest, before his shoulders tensed. “Fuck,” he muttered as he pulled out of me, leaving me sore and empty. “Ana, I’m sorry.”

  I looked down and saw the condom, stretched over his thick cock, coated in blood mixed with my cum. I bit my lip to hold in the giggle that threatened to break free, but it was no use. Kevin’s head jerked up, his eyebrows raised.

  He probably thought I’d lost my mind.

  “Ummm . . . Ana? You okay?” Confusion and worry creased his face.

  I stretched my deliciously achy body. “I’m great. I feel great.”

  “Okay.” He eased himself off the bed. “I’m going to toss this. I’ll be right back.”

  I lay there, waiting, relishing the sore muscles, already anticipating how much I’d feel it the next day. Before he came back, I dug under his covers and waited.

  Kevin walked in, his face serious, and dropped down onto the edge of the bed with slouched shoulders. “Ana . . . I’m—”

  “Don’t,” I said, cutting him off. He jerked his head up to look at me. “Don’t say you’re sorry. It was more than I ever dreamed of, and if you apologize, it will take all that away.”

  His face softened. He pulled the covers back and slipped in beside me. His finger came up to stroke my flushed cheek. “Then I’m not sorry.”

  “Good.” I pressed a gentle kiss to his chin. We lay there, not saying anything. Probably because neither of us knew what to say. We were friends and yet there we were, lying naked in each other’s arms in the middle of the day, listening to cars drive by outside. What were we supposed to say? I sure as hell didn’t know the rules.

  I could tell Kevin wanted to say something. Every so often his hand would pause in the middle of stroking my back, and his breath would halt as though he wanted to speak. He would find the words eventually. Until then, I was going to enjoy the comfort of my friend’s arms.

  “Ana,” he said finally, only to stop once again. I adjusted my head to look at him. His teeth were worrying his bottom lip, his brow scrunched.

  “Kevin, it’s just me. We can talk about anything. This doesn’t change that.”

  He licked his lips and looked at a spot beyond my head. “You know . . . You know when I called you . . . those names. I didn’t mean them. You know I don’t think that of you. I was just caught up in the moment, not analyzing my actions. I’m so, so sorry.”

  I wondered how much Kevin had been struggling with this side of himself. It pained me to see him looking so nervous and full of self-doubt as he stuttered out an unnecessary apology. Laying my hand on his chest, I felt his heart pounding too quickly. His cheeks were colored with a ruddy flush and I ached to soothe him. I knew from my own self doubt about the shame that plagued him. But in his arms, I had no shame. I wanted the same for him. I wanted him to know he had me.

  “What did I say about unnecessary apologies?” He didn’t say anything, but a tight smile pursed his lips. “Should I apologize for the things I said or asked for?” That drew his attention, and I knew he was going to deny it, but I wasn’t done. “I may have asked you to
take control tonight, but at any time, I knew I could’ve said no and you would’ve stopped. There’s nothing wrong with you, Kevin.”

  “I’m not normal, Ana,” he whispered.

  “Then neither am I.”

  He stared at me, still unconvinced.

  “Look at you, right now. Holding me, soothing me. This is you, Kevin. This sweet, caring man beside me, who I know would do anything for me. This is you. Just because you get off to something, doesn’t make you a monster.”

  “But it’s the fact that it turns me on. What if I unleash this side of me and I start hurting women against their will and abusing them to get off?”

  “Then hit me. Just slap my face and shove me around.” I called him on his insane thought.

  “What?” He pulled back in shock and disgust.

  “Come on. Slap me around and then fuck me. Since you’ll get so horny from it.”

  “Ana . . . Stop. You know I would never hit you.”

  “Then how is your complete disgust at the thought of hurting me, actually hurting me, the same as what we just did?”

  “I . . . I don’t know.”

  “Exactly,” I poked him in the sternum. “You, Kevin Harding, are not abusive. You have specific things that get you off. It’s no different than other guys liking big boobs or blondes. So, shut up about it.”

  His chest lifted with a heavy sigh that blew across my face. “Maybe it’s just a phase,” he muttered, hope tinging his tone.

  “Do you ever get off without it?” I asked, not to refute his idea of it being a phase, but because I was genuinely curious. He was the first person I’d met who I felt I could talk to about my similar desires, which had, until then, felt wrong.

  “Not really,” he admitted begrudgingly. “I’ve never acted on it, but I usually think about it to get off. What about you?”

  “Well, I’ve never been with anyone, but . . .” I hesitated, uncomfortable admitting I masturbated, but wanting to be honest. “But when I’m alone, it takes me a while. But I’m the same. I think about being ordered around, about letting someone control me, and it helps.” Despite my effort to help calm him, my heart raced in my chest. I put on my bravest face as I opened up about my darkest secrets, even though I was still scared of being judged. I was afraid I’d slip and say something that would be too much. But looking at Kevin’s face and seeing his soft eyes taking me in as I confessed my most private thoughts, I knew there was nothing I could’ve said to push him away.