Shame

by Fiona Cole

  My eyes closed, and I zoned in on the feeling of my dick being gripped by her pussy, the way she cried out every time I bottomed out inside of her. Harder and harder, I became lost in the moment. So lost, I almost missed the slaps to my legs and the thudding on the floor. So lost, it took me slipping out of Ana’s tight heat to open my eyes to find her clutching at her throat, looking up at me with panicked eyes and a wide mouth making choked sounds.

  My world tilted on its axis and a sharp, painful jolt of adrenaline shot through my body, spurring me into action. My fingers shook impossibly hard as I struggled to loosen the belt. Somehow the latch had slipped to a tighter loop and now I was faced with pinched skin. Gently, I tried to pull it tighter to get it back far enough, but Ana jerked every time.

  Time moved so quick and yet dragged out in my worst nightmare, it felt like hours as I fumbled and failed to find a way to loosen the belt.

  Ana’s legs kicked out, hitting the bed frame and my legs in her panic. Flicking my eyes to her wide blue ones that begged me to hurry, as I took in her red face and tears that slipped down her temples. Fuck. Fuck all of this. My eyes burned and I tried to breathe, to think as fast as I could. I could feel time slipping away and each second pounded on my chest harder making it impossible to breathe.

  There was no other way. Knowing it was going to hurt her, I reached for the belt buckle and pulled it tighter, blocking out the way her chest vibrated with a pained groan. The silver latch pulled a little further and I watched, waiting for it to slip free. Blood dripped from where it pinched her skin. Finally, it released and I loosened the belt, pulling it completely off and tossing it aside.

  Ana collapsed to the floor, clutching at her throat and taking in as many deep breaths as she could. Hunching over her, I wrapped her in my arms, holding her to me, letting my hands roam her body to remind myself she was okay. I held her so tightly, I could feel the beat of her heart against my chest.

  This. This was why I had never wanted to be the way I was. This was my worst nightmare playing out before my eyes, and if I ever thought I’d felt shame and self-loathing before, it was nothing compared to the flood of grief that filled me then. I buried my head into her shoulder and sobbed like a baby. Like I was the one that had been suffocating a moment ago.

  But I might as well have been. Ana was my life, and I hated myself for what had happened.

  “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Ana.” Over and over again I said the words, until the feel of her hand rubbing up and down my back and moving through my hair registered. Until, I finally heard the quiet, “Shh-shh,” coming from my best friend. Until, I realized she was rocking me, holding me in her arms rather than me comforting her.

  “Shh-shh. It’s okay Kevin. It was an accident. It’s okay. I’m okay.” For every apology that spilled from my lips, she told me it was okay. It felt anything from okay, as I sat there in the middle of my room naked and crying in the arms of the girl I’d truly hurt.

  “I’m sorry, Ana,” I said again as I pulled myself together. She shifted back and held my cheeks in her hands, wiping away the tears with her thumbs. She placed gentle kisses all over my face, calming me incrementally with each tender touch.

  “Stop apologizing. I’m okay. It was an accident. We’re learning and accidents will happen. We’ll grow from them.”

  Pulling back, I scanned her neck and cringed at the red marks and cuts where her skin had been pinched, and the blood that had trickled onto her collarbone. “You’re not okay.”

  “I am,” she said fiercely, staring me down, demanding I believe her. “I. Am. Okay. It was only a few seconds, and while I admit it was scary, I always had faith in you helping me. I trust you, Kevin.”

  “Maybe you shouldn’t.” I pulled out of her hold, but she was not to be put off. She moved until she straddled my lap and could hold me in place again.

  “I will always trust you because I know you. Don’t let this ruin today.” She shifted, lining her core up against my soft penis.

  “Ana . . . maybe we shouldn’t . . . shouldn’t do this.” It hurt to say it, but I’d lost any desire I’d had earlier. Whatever power that had urged me on had vanished, and I was left tired and weak.

  She ignored me and pressed her lips to mine, sliding herself up and down my shaft, pressing her breasts into my chest. Despite the horrible actions that had just played out, I could feel my blood pumping back into my groin. I pulled back, trying to resist, but Ana just tilted her head and leaned in to nip at my mouth with her teeth.

  She was challenging me and I never turned down a challenge from Ana. With a growl, I gripped her ass and stood us both up. Instead of tossing her down on the bed like I usually would, I placed a knee on my mattress and slowly laid her out, gently. She may not have needed to go slow, but I did. I needed to coddle her and show her I could be soft and take care of her.

  I needed to show myself.

  So, I set to work starting at dragging my hands down her thighs and spreading her open to me. My mouth kissed and nibbled its way to her core where I leisurely swirled my tongue through her slit. Watching her squirm got me just as hard as if I’d had her fighting me off. I was still in control of her pleasure. I could’ve dragged it out or made her explode at any moment.

  With one last flick of my tongue to her clit, I moved myself up her body to the bottom curve of her breast where I sucked, hard, intending to leave a mark as my fingers pinched her light pink nipples to a ruby red. Pulling back, I admired my work and assumed that mark would be there for the rest of the week. No one would know but us. Every time she took off her clothes she would have a reminder of how I’d had my mouth all over her.

  By the time I’d dragged my kisses up her neck, she was panting. I had to swallow a lump when I reached the redness around her neck. Had to stop and get the harsh tightness in my lungs under control as I stared at the trail of blood that had trickled and dried.

  “Kevin,” she whispered desperately. “I’m fine. But I won’t be if you don’t stop torturing me.”

  I leaned down, trailing my tongue over the dried blood wondering if it freaked her out, but all I felt was the puffs of her heavy breathing along my forehead. Biting her bottom lip, I stared in her eyes and lined myself up with her opening. I dragged the head through her wetness, teasing both of us with what was to come.

  “Please,” she begged against my lips.

  Taking in the comfort pouring from her blue eyes, I eased in, an agonizing inch at a time, savoring the way her wet heat enveloped me, welcomed me inside her. Easing in and out of her, I set a slow pace, watching her face always for any pain. I was scared and it was impossible to hide. Ana grew impatient at my pace and dug her nails into my shoulders, using the heels of her feet to urge me on. “Kevin,” she growled in my neck. “You won’t hurt me.” I wanted to believe her. I truly did, but every time I closed my eyes, I saw her frantic eyes and I hesitated. “Please, Kev. You know I need it.”

  We both did. As amazing as it felt to be inside her, for us, it wasn’t enough. We needed that extra bite, that extra dose of unusual to get there. Compromising, I kept my pace slow, but I moved harder. I thrust in roughly only to drag out to the very tip and repeat the process, watching her breasts bounce and hearing her whimper on each entry. I used my thumbs and dug them into the soft tissue at the hollows of her hips and watched her writhe in pleasure from the pain.

  My heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest, like it would explode. This sex was different than any other sex we’d shared. The other times were harsh and full of a fast-paced energy that screamed at us to fuck. This, my body sliding in and out of hers as her cries rang out into the room, was different. This, I realized, was the closest I’d come to making love, and I couldn’t have imagined such an intimate moment with anyone other than Ana.

  This was us conquering the fear and accepting each other despite the mistake, despite the wrong. This was us basking in our uniqueness and giving it back to each other.

  I shif
ted my hand and rubbed my callused thumb around her clit before flicking it back and forth. “Play with your nipples, Ana. Show me how you like it.”

  Her eyes remained glued to mine as her fingers pinched and tugged. I picked up my pace, pushing a little bit harder and shifted her hips up so I penetrated her deeper. I knew I was hurting her, but I knew she liked it.

  Her lips parted on a wordless cry and her head pushed back into the pillow as her pussy gripped me in a vice, pulling my own orgasm from me. Letting it take over, I fell to her chest and groaned out my pleasure as I continued to push into her deeper and deeper, trying to reach a new place inside her.

  My body was limp and she held me to her chest, her fingers running through my hair, soothing me, bringing me back from the edge. Once the ringing stopped, her words finally registered between cool kisses to my sweaty forehead.

  “Thank you.” Kiss. “Thank you so much.” Kiss. “It’s everything I always wanted, and I want it with you.” Kiss. “Don’t let anything change us.” Kiss. “Please.”

  Slipping out of her, I pressed a kiss to her chest and then wordlessly got up to dispose of the condom before crawling back in bed to hold her close to me. It wasn’t long before our heavy breathing lulled us to sleep.

  The beeping of my alarm woke us. I’d set it so we had plenty of warning before my parents returned home. I shut it off and rolled over to cradle Ana in my arms again.

  “I don’t want to leave your arms,” she grumbled into my neck before placing kisses up to my ear.

  “I don’t want you to leave either.”

  She lifted herself up and hovered over me with a smirk. “One more time before we have to get dressed.” She was insatiable and I loved it.

  “Fuck, Ana. You’re going to kill me.”

  “Maybe, but what a way to go.”

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Ana

  Kev was still guarded a month later. We’d been nervous with every new thing we’d tried when we’d first started and then the incident with the belt set us back to the beginning. As we would begin a scene, he’d stuttered over his words when he would give me a command. His hands trembled when he reached out to touch me. I hated it and pushed him to move forward and let the memory of it go.

  The scar that remained on my neck made it harder to forget. But once we made it over that hump of fear and lust took over our bodies, we fell into what we both craved. The sex became desperate, rough, crude. Amazing.

  We hadn’t had as much time as we’d wanted because of finals and preparing for graduation. Kevin’s parents made him visit the other colleges, despite him having already accepted the University of Cincinnati. The excitement we both felt when we’d locked in our future together sent tingles down my spine. Knowing I was going to dive into the crazy life of college with my best friend by my side eased some of the fear. He’d asked me if I ever turned down Vanderbilt or let my dad know. I told him I continued to ignore my dad’s phone calls and anything to do with Tennessee. My future was in Cincinnati and that was my focus.

  But we did it. We’d gone to prom together like we should’ve done every year since we’d met. Kevin had survived the brief meeting he’d had with my dad when my father had actually made the full drive to Cincinnati. We survived everything the year handed us, and were rewarded with an end-of-the-year party held at Isaac’s as usual. His laid-back parents and central location made it the perfect place. Walking into the party felt so much the same as it had the first time and yet so different. We all looked older, more mature, and yet we were the same carefree kids enjoying the last moments before college.

  “Maybe I could fuck you in the bathroom a little later,” Kevin leaned in behind me and whispered in my ear. That was a brave offering he made considering the opportunities to get caught, but the danger was also tempting. That he was willing to do it for me, despite his fears, warmed the center of my chest.

  We stood in the kitchen grabbing drinks, watching the crowd of people mingle with each other. Some sat at the table laughing at memories and stories. One couple made out in the corner as another couple looked to be on the brink of arguing.

  And me, I had the best guy in the room behind me whispering all the dirty words I wanted to hear. I spun and looked up in his eyes with a smile on my face. “Maybe,” I hedged. “But first you have to dance with me.” Holding his gaze, I downed the rest of my beer and tossed the cup aside. He did the same and then followed me as I backed into the living room, bumping people along the way. Seeing Gwen, Isaac, Chloe, Sean, and Josh dancing in the middle of the room, I moved toward them and joined in.

  I danced, jumped, grinded, and swayed to every song that came on. We danced with everyone and no one. We danced until our sides stitched from the exertion, panting and sweating from all the bodies rubbing together creating more heat than the house could possibly cool. There was a feeling of finality as I looked around, smiling and knowing it might be the last time I would see some of these people. Chloe was heading to New York. Isaac decided to follow Gwen to Chicago. Only a few would remain and even then, it would be different. Life was changing, and we were changing with it.

  When we finally wore ourselves out, Kevin and I stumbled to the kitchen and followed our water up with more beer. It wasn’t long before the party began to die down and our group was one of the few that remained. Since the house had felt so warm, we made our way outside to take in the fresh air on the back patio.

  “Let’s play Never Have I Ever,” Gwen suggested excitedly.

  “I’m down,” Isaac agreed. He would have agreed even if Gwen had suggested we all jumped off a bridge. Everyone else decided to play along too so we started our game.

  “I’ll go first.” Josh jumped in. “Let’s do one so everyone has to drink on the first round. Start the game off right.” He pinched his lips and looked up at the stars sparkling in the night sky. “Okay. Never have I ever dated someone sitting here.”

  We all grumbled, but brought our cups to our lips.

  “Never have I ever done drugs,” Isaac shouted out.

  Chloe shrugged and drank from her cup before mumbling “Prudes.”

  “Never have I ever streaked,” Sean said. All the guys laughed and drank.

  “What are you all laughing at?” I asked nudging Kevin.

  He shook his head. “Hell of a year at soccer camp.” The guys raised their cups again in salute before taking another drink. The girls rolled our eyes and moved on.

  Gwen smirked and pointedly looked at Jane and Chloe. “Never have I ever kissed a girl.”

  All the guys drank, but almost choked on their sip when Chloe and Jane also drank.

  “What?”

  “Hell yes!”

  “We need details.”

  They all spoke at once, but Chloe just mimed zipping her lips.

  “Never have I ever fantasized about someone sitting here,” Josh took his turn.

  When Jane didn’t lift her cup, Gwen joked, “Jane, make sure you drink.” She laughed, nodding her head pointedly toward Kevin and nudged my shoulder. I was falling head first into being drunk and couldn’t help myself from snorting. Jane glared at me as she drank from her cup. Apparently, she didn’t find it as funny.

  The shift of her pinched lips to a mean smirk should have warned me that something bad was about to happen, yet I was still thrown when she spoke, staring straight at me.

  “Never have I ever fantasized or taken part in being forced into sex and being spanked.” She paused letting the silence settle around us. “Sounds kind of like rape, doesn’t it?” No one drank. “Shouldn’t you be drinking Ana? I mean, that’s what you confessed at girls’ night. That you like it rough, right? You even said you wanted to be attacked.” She elaborated to make sure everyone got it.

  It was like a bucket of cold water had been dumped on me, which sobered me up fast. My skin felt too tight, like it was squeezing me, waiting for me to burst. My heart pounded so hard, it was about the only thing I could hear. Especially, since no one
else was talking. “I didn’t say that—”

  “At girls’ night, you went on and on about how you like it rough. Wanted to be pinned down by a stranger and fucked like a whore.”

  I hadn’t said that. I’d been drunk, but I never, ever would have said that.

  “Jane, what happens at girls’ night, stays at girls’ night. It’s Girl Code,” Gwen said, warning her.

  “You’re exaggerating.” I spoke over Gwen, defending myself, but embarrassed tears filled my eyes.

  “Maybe she was talking about someone here,” Josh said, slurring.

  “I did see her stumble out of the theater’s backstage with our boy Kevin once,” Isaac chimed in, obviously thinking it was all a big joke.

  “What? No!” Kevin denied vehemently, chiming in for the first time.

  “What?” My head jerked to his, shocked at his complete denial. We’d never told anyone we were together, but we’d never outright denied it either. I knew he didn’t want people to know about what he and I did, but to what extent? I never thought he would react so strongly to someone figuring it out. What the hell was going on? My breaths stuttered out of my chest, feeling the first pangs of abandonment. But he wouldn’t. Kevin was my best friend. He wouldn’t abandon me.

  “Oh man,” Sean laughed. “You into forcing girls? I know it’s got to be hard for your ugly mug to get laid, but damn.”

  They all thought it was a joke and began chiming in. The moment began to snowball and pick up speed until it crashed like an avalanche on top of me.

  “No, I would never,” Kevin denied again, getting angry.

  “Next thing you know, he’ll be caught having a threesome like Prince, and his dad will shit a brick and lose his job or something,” Isaac joked, nudging Sean.

  “Hey, Jane could join in. She’d probably do anything to get a shot at Kevin,” Isaac said. “Chloe, you ever had a threesome?” He turned to her and waggled his eyebrows. She just flipped him the bird.