Simple Beginnings

by Janelle Stalder

  "Well, how about we get some breakfast? Nothing like some fatty bacon and pancakes to lift your mood."

  My stomach growled, answering for me.

  We headed to our favourite diner, the smell of syrup and coffee hitting me like a warm, familiar blanket. I still wore my clothes from yesterday, my eyes were red and puffy, and I just overall felt like crap, but it was still nice to slide into a booth across from my best friend. She had let me cry and whine all night with not one word of complaint. I was sure she'd had some sort of plans with Colt last night, but she hadn't even blinked about canceling them for me.

  "What are you going to do today?" she asked. "You can stay at my place for however long you want."

  I smiled, not really feeling it even though I truly did appreciate her offer. "Thanks, but I'll need to get back. Nan will wonder where I've gone to, and there's work that needs to be done."

  "I'm sure if you explain it to Nan she'll let you have a day off."

  I shook my head. "No, I need to work. The distraction will be good."

  Olivia nodded in understanding.

  "This is why I stay away from guys I guess," I said with a humorless laugh.

  Olivia smiled sadly. "They’re not all bad, Ella."

  I knew that. I just hadn't expected someone I'd come to fall in love with to be one of the bad ones. I'd given my heart and soul to someone, the one person I had always imagined giving it to, and he'd thrown it away like yesterday's trash. It was everything I had been afraid of come to life. How was I supposed to move forward now?

  Olivia had tried to cheer me up for the rest of breakfast - not that it had worked much. We'd driven back to her place and after a long hug, I'd gotten right back in my car and headed out of the city again. As I drew closer and closer to Nan's my chest began to ache where my heart was. I wondered if it were physically possible to actually have a broken heart? If so, I definitely had one.

  When I pulled into the farm and drove down the long, tree lined drive, my hands began to shake as they gripped the wheel. The sight of Gage's truck parked where it always was made me both angrier and sadder than I'd ever been.

  I got out and quickly headed for the house, hoping to be able to hide away in my room after I’d spoken to Nan. She'd mentioned she needed to talk to me about something important when I'd called from Bloomfield. Once I spoke to her, I'd beg her to let me stay inside until he was gone. But I didn't get more than five feet before Gage appeared from beside the house. I stopped mid-step and we simply stared at one another - me blankly and him nervously.

  "Where have you been? I was worried," he said.

  I snorted. "Sure."

  He sighed, walking closer, almost hesitantly as if he expected me to turn and run. It was tempting.

  "Ells, yesterday was not what you think it was. Trust me."

  "Trust you," I said softly. Trust. It was such a simple thing and yet could devastate the strongest of bonds when broken. And it was so hard to repair, if possible at all. "What exactly was yesterday then, if not what I think?" I asked, silently praying he had a good excuse and this could all be put behind us. His answer dashed all hope.

  "I can't really explain it - yet. But I will soon. Very soon."

  Right. And I was the Queen of England. How stupid did he think I was? Just because I'd never had a serious relationship before him didn't mean I'd let him walk all over me.

  "Look, Gage," I started, forcing the words out. "I think this has all been a mistake. Maybe we just need to take a step back and let things become normal again."

  His jaw firmed, his mouth flattening as he looked at me. "All of what, exactly, has been a mistake?"

  "This," I said, motioning between us. "The two of us. We shouldn't be together."

  "We shouldn't?"

  I shook my head. "It’s obvious you have a lifestyle that doesn't suit having a girlfriend and I'm just not the type to look the other way."

  He laughed, looking away as he planted his hands on his hips. "Wow," I heard him say under his breath. "Is that so?"

  "Yeah. Yeah, it is," I said.

  He started to shake his head, taking a step away from me. "You know, maybe you're right, Ella," he said, officially ripping my heart out with each word. "Maybe we shouldn't be together, because of my ‘lifestyle’ and all." He was still taking steps away without turning, and it was slowly killing me, even though this was what I wanted. "And because I'm sick of defending myself every time you think up shit in that messed up head of yours."

  What? Wait. What? Was he insulting me in all this? "Excuse me?" I said, getting angry. "There is nothing wrong with my head!"

  "Yes there is, otherwise you would realize how much I fucking love you! And have since we were four fucking years old!"

  I scoffed, crossing my arms protectively across my chest. "You can't fall in love that young, Gage. It's impossible."

  He smiled a harsh smile that I didn't like. It wasn't the smile that made his whole face light up. It was a smile that cut deep and hurt to look at.

  "Being young has nothing to do with it," he replied, still walking away. "Sometimes, when things are simple in the beginning, anything is possible. It's only when we get older and complicate everything that the impossible occurs." And with that, he turned fully around and walked out of sight, leaving me there with burning eyes and a hollow feeling in my gut.

  Taking a deep breath, I started back toward the house, calling out to Nan as I entered. "Nan! Where are you?" I said, walking toward the kitchen. I needed to see her and get to my room so I could release the tears clogging my throat. "You wanted to talk …"

  My words trailed off at the sight awaiting me in the kitchen. "Nan?" My voice sounded small and helpless in the quietness surrounding us.

  She lay on her side on the floor, her face away from me. She was so still - too still. Instinctively, without having even touched her, I knew something was seriously wrong.

  "Nan?" I said again, kneeling beside her. Her eyes were closed, her lips blue, skin pale. No. No, no, no, no. This wasn't happening. "Nan," I said more urgently now, shaking her not so gently. Tears were freely falling as I begged and begged for her to open her eyes.

  From then on, things became nothing but a blur.

  Thirty

  Gage

  The past week went by in a hazy blur. Nan's funeral was yesterday, and had been one of the hardest days of my life. Almost as bad as my own mother's funeral - perhaps worse. Mostly because I had to watch Ella completely break down, and from afar, not by her side like it should have been. The only time I'd been able to hold her since Nan passed was that very first day when she was found.

  I could still distinctly remember the sound of Ella screaming for help. I don't think she had even realized she was doing it. I'd been walking back to my truck, after shutting up the barn, ready as all hell to leave there after Ella's and my break-up, when I'd heard her. Even now it ripped at my heart to remember how desperate her cries had been. When I'd entered the kitchen I'd almost dropped to my knees at what awaited me there.

  All week Ella and her parents had been busy with funeral arrangements and packing up the farm. I hadn't been able to talk to Ella at all. Her eyes had never met mine, her head never once turned in my direction. And I knew that for a fact because my eyes, on the other hand, hadn't left her for a second. I just wanted to hold her again.

  Once I'd gotten into the kitchen and immediately called for help, I'd managed to get Ella off Nan so the paramedics could get to her. I'd held her tightly as she cried. She probably hadn't even been aware of who it was that held her. It had been too late anyway. The paramedics couldn't do much for poor Nan. We found out later that Nan had actually been sick for some time and had kept it from everyone. There’d never been anything wrong with her ankle. That had just been the excuse she’d given everyone. With her constant fatigue, she must have known she wouldn’t be able to keep up the farm all summer. If only she’d just come and told us.

  It must have been one blow after another
for Ella, and there was nothing I could do to help her because she wouldn't let me. The few times I’d tried to call her, she'd ignored me. When I'd called out to her after the funeral, she'd only paused briefly before continuing into the limo for close family. I wasn't even sure how she'd reacted to the news that the farm had been sold. God, if only she would talk to me.

  Now, I took one last look at the empty kitchen, no longer filled with the scent of Nan's baked pies, or the comforting presence of her in her flour covered apron and warm smile. Walking out to the barn, I smiled at the peace inside me, even though things were far from perfect. Ella was gone, out of my life for possibly forever, but at least I had some direction in my life. I had a place I belonged, a purpose. And for the first time in what felt like forever, my dad had actually told me he was proud of me. Who would have thought?

  "You been waiting for me?" I said, laughing at the impatient look being directed my way. "Hey, don't blame me. I had to go to the lawyer's office again to finalize everything, and then I had to unpack the truck."

  Apparently that excuse was no good , judging by the blank stare. "I got here as quick as I could, you old coot." I stopped in front of Tut's stall, giving him my most charming smile - not that it did me any good when it came to him. This horse was all I had left. Nan had actually left him in her will for me. It was kind of funny how often I’d found myself with only a grumpy old horse as my companion. Thank you, Nan, I thought.

  "How about we go for a ride?" He snorted in response. "I'll take that as a yes."

  I tied Tut up outside my old house. There were still a few things I needed to box up here and then I'd come back with the truck to bring them over to the farm. Dad stood in the kitchen as I walked in.

  "Morning," he said, shoveling a spoonful of cereal in his mouth.

  "It’s the afternoon," I pointed out.

  He made some garbled reply as he chewed. "I didn't hear you pull up," he said around his mouthful.

  "I rode Tut over."

  He grimaced. Tut and dad didn't get along too well ever since Tut nipped at him the first time I'd brought him by. "Devil horse," he muttered.

  "Morning!" Cam called cheerily as he walked in wearing only his boxers, and scratching at himself indecently. Thank God only guys lived in this house, I thought.

  "It’s the afternoon," I said again.

  "What are you doing here? Haven't you moved out yet?"

  "Yes, thankfully," I replied.

  He chuckled.

  "I just need to finish up some stuff around here."

  "Don’t forget about them boxes in the basement," dad said.

  "I won't."

  I watched them argue about who had left the dirty dishes in the sink for a minute, knowing full well they'd both probably contributed - not that either would admit it. Then I headed down to the basement to see about these boxes Dad kept mentioning.

  I recognized the stuff inside immediately as the things I'd had when we'd lived with Mom. I must have left it all packed up still when we moved back. That didn't surprise me. I'd been so out of my mind with grief, I didn't know half the time what I was doing. There would have been no way I'd start unpacking my things when all I'd wanted to do was deny what was happening in my life.

  Most of it was stuff I could just toss, but then my hand landed on something smooth and cool. I pulled out the picture frame, a small smile instantly forming at the image encased behind the glass. It was me and Ella when we were probably eight or nine. It was summer, and we were both filthy, smiling like we were the happiest two kids in the world. I could still remember my mom taking this picture. It was right after we'd made a bunker in the dirt so we'd have a fort for our water balloon fights against Cam and his older friends.

  My arm was wrapped around her shoulders in a friendly way, but I could still distinctively remember how my heart would already race whenever I touched her. She'd been my best friend, but man had I loved her immensely. I'd brought this picture with me when we’d moved away, having gotten used to looking at it all the time since Ella and her family had moved.

  "You two always were inseparable."

  I looked back to see Dad standing there, looking over my shoulder at the picture.

  "Yeah," I said hoarsely, gazing back down on the younger version of Ella. Her hair was in a messy braid, those freckles along her nose standing out more from all the sun that summer.

  "You know, your mama always said you two would get married. She said there was something about the way you looked at each other, like you were in your own world, just the two of you."

  I snorted. "Yeah, well, I don't see that happening now. She won't even talk to me. She thinks I cheated on her," I confided.

  "Did you?"

  I looked up, offended. "Of course not!"

  “Then tell her that."

  “I told you, she’s not speaking to me. She won't even answer my calls. And to be honest, Dad, I'm sick of having to defend myself. I know I was a little shit during high school, but I grew up, and I gave her everything I have."

  "That girl has always been special," he said. "She deserves -"

  I held up my hand, stopping him. I knew what he'd say. It was probably what everyone thought. Sweet little Ella Page was too good for a Hunter boy. "I know, I know" I said, looking back down at the photo. "She deserves someone better."

  I jumped when his hand clamped down on my shoulder.

  "That wasn't what I was going to say. She deserves to be happy, and I know you will do everything in your power to give her that. She deserves the best, and that's you."

  The front door opened and shut. Julie was stopping by to give me some final papers, so I didn't bother to go see who was there. I figured she'd find me in the kitchen eventually.

  "What are you doing here?"

  I spun at the sound of her voice, my chest squeezing instantly. Ella stood in the doorway, her eyes sad as she looked around and then stopped on me.

  "I...what are you doing here?"

  She held up a key. "Dropping this off. I was told we all had to turn in our keys for the new owners."

  She didn't know. The words froze in my throat as we just stared at each other. I wanted to cross the distance between us and take her in my arms. I wanted to kiss her, breathe in her scent, carry her up the stairs to her old bedroom, which was mine now, just like I had the last time we'd been together. I needed Ella like I needed my next breath.

  And yet I just stood there, drinking in the sight of her. This was my chance to explain. She was here now and would listen. I opened my mouth but just then the front door opened again and Julie called out, her high heels clicking on the floor as she appeared in the doorway beside Ella.

  Ella's face went white, her eyes so full of pain and betrayal as she looked at me, not even turning her head to acknowledge Julie.

  "Hey, there you are," Julie said, oblivious to the tension in the air.

  Ella dropped her key on the counter and then turned to leave without a word.

  "Ells," I called out, taking a step toward her.

  She stopped just outside the kitchen, her hand raised. "Don't," she said, not looking at either of us. Then she disappeared down the hall and a moment later I heard the front door again.

  "Is everything okay?" Julie asked, looking between me and where Ella had just been.

  I leaned back against the counter, running a hand slowly down my face. "No," I answered honestly. "No, everything is not okay."

  Thirty-One

  Ella

  "You going home for Thanksgiving?" asked Mina.

  I looked up at my roommate and nodded, closing my text book. "You?"

  "Yeah," she said, sounding less than excited. I didn't know much about her life back home, but from the little bits I did know, it didn't sound like a very happy place. She never came right out and said it, but I got the impression her dad had some sort of substance abuse problem. Alcohol would have been my guess.

  Starting school in September had actually been better than I'd expec
ted. After having my world crumble in the matter of one day, I had been ready for anything to take my mind off things. I'd lost my Nan, the farm, and my heart all in a flash.

  At one point, during the constant condolences from people I didn't know, the hugs and handshakes I didn't want, and the constant buzzing of conversation around me that I couldn't quite focus on, I had actually stated to wonder if I was ever going to be okay again. While arranging Nan's funeral, we'd found out that Nan had sold the farm right before she passed. Apparently she'd owed a lot of back taxes, and knowing that she was sick and would never be able to make the money she owed, she'd sold it.

  Not only had I lost one of the best people in my life, the person I could go to for anything, but I'd also lost my sanctuary from the world. The farm. My heart still ached for the place I had loved more than anywhere else.

  The fact that my last visit there, the one where I was going to allow myself one last look around to keep in my heart for always, had been ruined by the two people who had destroyed me, still pissed me off. I felt sick at the thought of the two of them in my Nan's house.

  I didn't know why Gage had been there that night, but I assumed it was to say goodbye like I had intended. I tried my best not to think of Gage at all, but if I was being honest, I’d have to admit I sucked at it. I thought about him constantly, which completely blew. Even throwing myself into school hadn't helped.

  "What time are you leaving?"

  I glanced over at Mina, forgetting we'd been having a conversation before getting lost in my thoughts - again. I think she was starting to get used to how often I zoned out.

  "Tomorrow morning," I answered.

  "Cool. You want to go down to Starbucks then and study there."

  "God, yes." Getting out of this dorm room sounded like heaven. Studying business was about as exciting to me as banging my head against the wall. Actually, the latter sounded more appealing by far. "Let’s go."