Losing Enough

by Helen Boswell

  Neil and I went through a hell of a lot of shit together back when we were active SEALs. We don’t keep things from each other, not when it has any sort of bearing on our business. I trust him more than probably anyone I know.

  I drum my fingers on the table. Thinking of the bullet points.

  “He showed up when I was with Maya, made some shit statement that might have sounded like he was threatening her.” My hand clenches into a fist before relaxing, but I can’t release the sick feeling in my chest. “In actuality he was threatening me, coercing me into getting rid of her so he could get me alone, but I completely understand if she felt like her safety was compromised.”

  Neil’s face clouds over like a storm. “No, man. You didn’t hear me correctly. She’s not worried about herself. She told me she’s worried about you. Since when does a client like this little lady worry about my buddy’s safety? What the fuck have you gotten yourself into?” He leans forward, his gaze piercing and direct.

  It’s a valid question, and it’s one I need to answer. My phone vibrates for what must be the tenth time today, and I hit silent without looking. After a second, I turn it off completely and look up to find Neil watching me with narrowed eyes.

  “You sticking your dick where it doesn’t belong, brother?”

  Brother. It’s what Cruz had called me when he was trying to appeal to me – unsuccessfully. Neil’s use of it is different because it’s actually meaningful.

  “Maya? Fuck no.” I shudder. “I don’t sleep with clients. You know this.”

  “Right, right. No clients, no one with attachments. Just everyone else.” He grins at me, but I don’t smile back. I can’t deny the truth. Or at least it’s how it’s been for the past two years.

  “Cruz is affiliated with a street gang from back home,” I mutter. “When I was there, they were solely a protection racket. Petty crimes and turf war stuff but nothing too big, though that definitely could have changed.”

  Neil nods, almost seeming to relax now that he has some concrete information he can process. “Not drugs? Gun-running? They involved with any cartels that you know of?”

  “Don’t know, but he…” I hesitate, trying to recall Cruz’s words. “Honestly, I don’t think things are going too well for him, is why he’s here. Says he wants a piece of my action in Vegas.” I fill him in on everything else Cruz told me, watching as Neil’s expression transforms to incredulous, then murderous. It’s not anything I’d ever want to have directed at me. I amend, “Yeah, I mean a piece of our action.”

  “Want me to have one of my guys take care of him for you? You wouldn’t be implicated.”

  I know exactly what he means, and I’d be lying if I said I’m not tempted.

  But Elle. I know she’d suspect my involvement, no matter how indirect, if anything happens to Cruz while he’s in Vegas. I doubt I’d be able to live with myself either. No matter how much I despise Cruz for the past, I can’t completely forget everything we endured together as kids, either.

  “No. I’ll figure out another way. But thanks.”

  “What do you propose to do?”

  “I need to find out what else Cruz is doing here,” I say. I hadn’t vocalized this to Elle or Alex, but it’s something that’s been sitting in the back of my mind ever since I talked to Cruz. “He tried to make it sound like he’s only here because of me, but then why stay here until the end of the month? He’s gotta be involved in something else, maybe going ahead and messing around without me.”

  Neil nods curtly, sets down his cup with finality. “Agreed. I’ll feed this through the system, have my people notify me when they spot him and who he’s with.”

  Neil’s specialty in the platoon was intelligence. He got out of the SEALs a year or so before me, and I know he’s made different sorts of contacts in the city than I have. I suspect some of it’s mob, but Neil made it clear a long time ago he’s not directly involved in anything illegal, and that he’s very careful to keep everything separate from our business. I made it equally clear that I don’t want to know details.

  “They need to be discreet. And not act, just report,” I say firmly. “It’s Cruz Marino. You need me to dig up a picture?”

  He laughs, the sound completely humorless. “Discretion is a given. And no, if he’s your twin, they already know what he looks like.”

  Meaning Neil’s connections know about me. “I’m gonna pretend that doesn’t make me nervous. No offense.”

  He shrugs. “None taken. I’ll also see what I can dig up about his people in Albuquerque. We need to distance ourselves if he’s in any way, shape, or form mixed up with a drug cartel. If it’s just local, a protection racket like you say, we have more options.”

  Makes sense, as much as any of this does. I nod in agreement but also pick up on Neil’s switch to using “we.” We put a hold on our discussion as the waitress comes back with our orders, and I stare down at my sandwich in ambivalence. I don’t even remember what I ordered.

  “Timeframe,” I inform him. “I’m supposed to meet with him at the end of the month.”

  “Good. We have time then. I’ll get back to you as soon as I know something.”

  “Hey, man. Thanks.” I hesitate, not knowing how to put the rest into words. That I’m afraid I’m putting him and his people at risk. But this is how he and I work. I got his back, he’s got mine.

  We talk about regular business until we’re done with our lunches, and then we split up, Neil heading upstairs to take Maya out and me leaving the casino with nothing on my agenda. I wait for the valet to get my car, admittedly relieved that Neil confronted me about this and glad to have him in my corner. I wouldn’t want to have someone like Neil as an enemy.

  I wait at the stoplight to get back on the Boulevard, my eyes focused on the casino across the street. I’m automatically heading back to my house only because I have nothing else to do.

  Screw it. Alex might not be at the pool anymore, but I have my entire day ahead of me. And like she said, I know how to find her. Pride can be damned right now. Having Neil offer his help to me and accepting it was humbling to say the least.

  I glance behind me, abruptly edge over into the next lane, and get an angry honk of the horn from some jackass in a hurry to get into standstill traffic. I drive across the street but don’t bother with valet this time and grab a spot in self-parking instead. The arcade of shops leading to the main casino is crowded with couples picking their way through overpriced restaurants, and I avert my eyes from their smiles and ignore their sounds of laughter as I pick up my pace to get through.

  As soon as I get to the pool area, my instincts tell me something’s wrong. There’s an almost tangible buzz in the air, and I glance outside and see a few casino employees talking to groups of people. Like they’re putting in extra time doing public relations. Or maybe crowd control after an incident.

  The back of my neck prickles as I walk up to the front desk, and I wait impatiently to get the attention of the two employees, a guy and a girl. I know the girl – thankfully not anyone I’ve ever slept with – but they’re whispering like crazy and on their smartphones instead of doing their jobs.

  “Excuse me,” I interrupt, irritation lacing my tone. “Did something happen out there?”

  They look up at me, the girl’s face initially startled but then relaxing when she recognizes me. She exchanges a furtive glance with the guy. Shit, I wish I could remember her name.

  “There was an accident earlier,” she says carefully.

  “Yeah, some lady almost drowned,” the guy says, a lot less carefully. “Her daughter and lifeguard saved her, but the mom was in bad shape. They had to take her to the hospital.”

  “Ryan,” she hisses. “We’re not supposed to talk about it.”

  Some lady and her daughter. I fight to get my breath as I think about the calls from Elle that I ignored not so long ago. I take out my phone, trying to keep my hand steady as I turn it back on.

  Six missed calls from Elle. One
text.

  CALL ME. URGENT. IT’S ABOUT ALEX

  Holy shit. This can’t be…

  I hit send, but it goes to Elle’s voicemail. Goddammit. I brace my arm against the counter as I try Alex’s number. It also goes straight to voicemail.

  I look up, my glance connecting wildly with the girl behind the desk. Lizabeth. I remember now that her name is Lizabeth.

  Someone approaches the guy and asks about a guest pass, and I lean over the counter and beckon to Lizabeth. She comes closer, her eyes bright but expression still guarded as I try to force down the sick sensation in my stomach.

  “Lizabeth, I understand the whole confidentiality thing. You’re doing what you need to do.” I lower my voice and turn my full force of my gaze at her, and she nods at me like she’s mesmerized. “But I was supposed to meet a good friend here this morning. And she’s sometimes here with her mother.” I say the rest in a rush, before I lose it. “Were you here when it happened? Can you at least tell me what pool? Please…”

  At this point, I’m not beyond begging, and I plead with her with my eyes. Sympathy floods her expression, and she throws a glance at Ryan, even though he hadn’t seemed to care about releasing the information.

  “Okay…” She sighs while I simultaneously hold my breath. “It was at the lap pool. The mother had a heart attack or something.”

  “What did she look like? And the daughter?”

  “The mom was blonde. Maybe kind of strawberry-blondish hair? Her daughter was about my age? Tall with long red hair…”

  The words strike me like a punch to my gut, rend me apart. I back away from the counter, my chest feeling like it’s collapsing.

  “Which hospital?” I demand.

  Her eyes become as big as saucers. “Desert Springs. Connor, is this your friend?”

  I shove away from the counter and run like hell. Don’t remember going through the casino or parking garage. Operate on pure adrenaline. Hands shaking. Thoughts a mess.

  The only thing I can think about is her.

  Should have been there for her. Shouldn’t have been so stubborn. Should have answered Elle’s calls. God, I hope Alex wasn’t alone when her mom had the heart attack. Hope someone had been there with her, hope Elle or someone else is with her right now.

  I pull into the hospital entrance, snag a spot in the parking lot by the E.R., and stumble out of the car, noticing Elle’s Honda Civic in the lot. I run into the waiting area, and I spot Alex right away. I’m out of my fucking head by then.

  She’s wrapped up in a blanket, legs drawn up to her chest, chin on her knees but with tangled hair falling over her face like a curtain. Elle’s sitting in the chair next to her, a cup of something in her hand and her phone pressed up to her ear.

  “Well, his wife is in the emergency room right now, so yes, I’d say this constitutes an emergency, wouldn’t you?” she says with acid. “Now please. Find. Him.”

  Alex is trembling so hard I can see it from here. Fucking hell. I could have been with her this entire time. Should have been. Or if I’d only answered my phone, I could have found her father and brought him here.

  Maybe I still can. I take a step back, but before I can turn away, Alex slowly lifts her head and looks straight at me. She’s crying, her face pale and her expression twisted with pain, but a deeper sort of agony flashes in her eyes when she sees me. Pain that’s mirrored by what I’m feeling in my own heart.

  I take a cautious step forward. Hold out my hand to her. “Alex…”

  Her body wracks with a giant sob. I don’t wait for permission. I make it over to her in three quick strides, take the chair on the other side of her. Put my arms around her and hold on tight, even when she stiffens. Keep holding on as she continues to cry.

  I still don’t know what’s going on with her mother, but now’s not the time to ask. Now’s not the time for me to feel guilty or to berate myself for not being there for her earlier. Alex is falling apart in my arms, and fuck my pride. I need to be here for her now.

  22

  Alex

  I don’t know anything anymore. Don’t know where they took Mom. Don’t know if she’s okay, though I cannot think about the possibility that she might not be. Every time the doors to the emergency room open, I jump out of my skin.

  But there’s nothing so far, no news, and having to wait is slowly killing me.

  Don’t know how long I’ve been sitting here. Or how long Elle and Connor have been with me. I’m sandwiched between them, Elle clinging to me on one side, Connor with his arm around me on the other. I rode in the front of the ambulance, and Elle followed in her car, got here sometime after me. Elle walked me to the bathroom so I could change out of my bathing suit and into my clothes – I vaguely remember someone at the pool handing me my bag along with Mom’s stuff before I got into the ambulance with the paramedics, otherwise I’d still be in my bikini and towel. Elle got me the tea and blanket from somewhere. She talked me down from the ledge, calmed me down enough so I could talk to my dad and tell him what happened.

  I don’t know anything else. Except that I’m scared. Scared out of my goddamned mind.

  The mechanical hum of the E.R. doors sounds as they open for the millionth time, and I stare at the woman in scrubs who’s standing there holding a clipboard. A flicker of hope spreads through my chest, but it crashes down on me all over again when she calls out someone else’s name. Connor tightens his arm around me, gives me a squeeze, and I close my eyes. How he knew I needed that right then, I have no idea. I also don’t know how he even found out that we were here, but I’m guessing Elle called him.

  I told her not to. Not to call him, because I knew seeing him would make me angry. And when I first saw him in the waiting area, looking so panicked, it drove up my pain to almost excruciating levels. I cycled through part of it when I was riding in the ambulance, worked through my anger over the fact that Connor hadn’t been there at the pool to help me when all of that craziness happened. Not that anyone could have predicted this happening. Not that it’s his fault he wasn’t there in the first place – I know that it’s mine for ending the other night so badly.

  I’m mostly furious with myself for being so self-absorbed when I was at the pool. For thinking about Connor and nothing else when I should have been watching out for my mom. I can’t get the image of her out of my head, of how blue she was. If I’d only noticed her sooner...

  Connor’s fingers trail through my hair. It might be the fact that I’m shell-shocked, but I don’t feel anything besides anger in response to him being here. I stopped crying a while ago because I ran out of tears.

  Eventually, I just feel cold.

  We wait, and I alternate between watching the door going into the E.R. and looking out for my dad. It had taken forever to get a hold of him. Dad initially hadn’t answered his phone or responded to my texts. It was Elle who thought of calling the casino, and she shouted at some poor person at the front desk until they sent someone to find him. Dad had been down the street at a different casino when he finally called me back.

  “Dad, Mom’s in the hospital. You need to come now.”

  That’s all I’d been able to say before my voice had given out. Elle had taken my phone straight out of my hands, told him which hospital. I heard her tell him that I was fine and that my mother was in good hands. That hadn’t been too long ago.

  Elle’s totally my hero right now.

  She wordlessly passes me the cup of tea, and I wrap my hands around it for the warmth that never comes.

  “Alex…What can I do to help you?”

  It might be the first thing Connor’s said to me since he got here. My neck feels stiff as I turn my head and look up at him. I’m already not doing so well in terms of getting air into my lungs, but my breath catches when I see how he’s looking at me. I can tell that he’s hurting for me and for my mom, and he searches my eyes like he’s trying to get a sense of me, too. But I’m feeling too shattered inside to let him.

  I don’t
even want to think about this right now, but I can’t expect anything from this. Connor’s here now, but that doesn’t mean I should raise my expectations from ground level. I don’t want to be all broken-hearted like Mom must have been when she said goodbye to Ian… I cut off my own thoughts before they become crippling.

  “Nothing. Thank you.” My tone is icy, and he looks confused, maybe even a little hurt.

  I close my eyes to all of that, retreat inwardly even further. It hits me for the first time exactly how exhausted I am, but I can’t rest. Not until I know how Mom is.

  The longer I sit, the more I wind up sinking into my own head. I desperately try to call up the bubble that Mom always talks about. Try to use it to make myself strong but maybe also to keep myself numb. I think about Mom and all of her headaches, how she’d been complaining about being sore lately. Whether the painkillers were helping her, or whether they might have contributed. I’d handed the bottle of ibuprofen over to one of the E.R. nurses when I first got here because she wanted to know if Mom was taking any medication.

  I also think about how I’ve been worried about her ever since Dad told me they were cutting the trip short. And how I’ve been running around doing my own thing or moping in my room instead of keeping an eye on her.

  I lied to Connor before. I am a spoiled brat.

  No clue how much time passes before Dad runs into the waiting area. He stops when he sees me, and there’s so much anguish and terror in his expression that I can almost feel a fissure crack through my heart. The seconds slowly tick by as we stare at each other, and it’s not until Elle or Connor peels the blanket off my shoulders that I get up. My legs are weak, and I wobble on my feet as I move to him. I’m vaguely aware of Connor lunging forward to steady me, but I ignore him and plod forward.

  I swallow down the lump in my throat, focus on taking those steps forward as Dad does the same. My arms feel heavy, but I raise them, reach out to him. “Dad,” I whisper.

  “Alexis.”