Losing Enough

by Helen Boswell

  “Oh my God,” she whispers. “I want you, Connor. So much.”

  I kiss her deeply as I rock into her, and she cries out against my mouth as she takes all of me.

  Holy shit, nothing can feel this good.

  I linger, give her the chance to really feel me, let myself feel all of her, and she’s so fucking perfect. Perfect because we fit together so well. Perfect because she’s reaching inside me in a way that I’ve never felt before. She grabs my arms and digs her nails into my skin as I start moving again, and I take it slow, make it last. Drive that delicious burn deeper and deeper until it’s everything that I know.

  I know she’s getting close when she starts quickening her movements, her sounds building in urgency. I move faster, harder until I feel her body start to tremble, and she stiffens beneath me and cries out. I close my eyes as I feel her come, let myself go right after because I can’t hold back any longer.

  I bury my face in her neck and hold her tightly, shuddering as she takes everything. As I give her everything I have.

  Damn. I think I’m done for.

  I’m already falling for her, hard.

  26

  Alex

  Oh dear sweet God.

  I run my hands over Connor’s sweat-slicked body, feeling him completely as he takes his own bliss. The shocks continue to roll through me, my breaths synched with his as he collapses on top of me. I don’t want him to move, but he pulls out and rolls over to lie next to me. My eyes close as the heat between us makes me languid, and I smile to myself as he reaches down and squeezes my hand.

  He shifts away from me, and I open one eye, mourning the fact that he’s leaving the bed but simultaneously enjoying the view as he walks to the bathroom.

  I don’t always get there when I’m with a guy, but that’s because they’re usually mostly intent on themselves, on running to the finish without me. Not like this. I feel like I connected with Connor in a way that I never thought would happen for me. He didn’t just have sex with me. He actually made love to me, and I can still feel all of him. It makes me want more of that connection, more of him, period.

  I’m maybe a quarter-asleep when he comes back. I feel him move again so he’s lying on his side, facing me, and the warmth of him sends sharp tingles down my spine.

  “You okay?” he murmurs in my ear.

  “So much more than okay,” I murmur back.

  I open my eyes and look at him. He’s staring at me, and the look in his eyes makes my heart stutter. Desire, passion, his whole soul bared for me to see.

  I reach up and put my hand on the side of his face, and he braces himself up on an elbow and leans in to kiss me. Slow and deep and so very sexy. Sending little sparks through me that keep me from coming down all the way.

  “Mmmmm.” My eyes flutter shut again as I make the sound of pure contentment, and I feel him smile against my lips.

  He pulls away again before I’m ready for him to, traces lines on my shoulder and down my arm. “What do you want to do today, love?”

  Love. He’s called me sweetheart before, like that time at the bar when he was being sarcastic, and I know that’s kind of his thing. I’m not that girl who goes all soft when a guy calls her all of those ooey gooey names, but there’s something I like about Connor calling me that. Love.

  I drag my eyes open again and blatantly enjoy the sight of him. Run my fingers over those strong shoulders and across his chest. Place my palm so I can feel his heartbeat.

  “I want to do this today,” I say, but my stomach growls loudly in protest right after.

  He grins at me. “You need breakfast.”

  My stomach may be grumbly, but I object. Maybe I’m still working myself down off that glorious high, but I feel so close to him, and I want to get even closer.

  I’m not going to lie to myself and say that it’s not totally scary feeling this way, wanting more of an emotional connection to Connor. But I’m going to take a chance this time and let myself feel this. Because I like the fact that he stood back and let me into his personal space this morning. I like the fact that he lets me see past that gruff exterior when I’m with him. I like the way he makes me feel so special and how he breaks down my walls like they’re not even there.

  And scary or not, I like him way too much to run away.

  “I just need you right now,” I murmur.

  My hand is still pressed against his chest, and I can feel his heart start to race. Those blue eyes of his blazing at me the entire time, he takes my hand and kisses my fingers, one by one.

  My eyes close of their own volition as he draws my index finger into his mouth and sucks on it.

  “Kiss me,” I whisper.

  He kisses my palm, but then his lips cover mine as we meld together. Our arms winding around each other. Our bodies aligning with a quick shift of movement so we can feel more of each other. He keeps kissing me, and I lose myself to the rhythm. Slow. Sexy. Like he’s relishing me and making me melt a little more with each caress of his tongue.

  I run my hands over his hard-cut body as he grabs another condom. He’s ready for me, already hard again and pressing into my thigh, and I never came down all of the way, never stopped being ready. I take the condom from him and give him one long, slow stroke before rolling it on, loving how his eyes close and the sound of his groan. Loving how I can do that to him.

  He gets to his knees and lifts me up, pulls me so I’m straddling him and holds me close. Oh, God. There’s something really hot about him wanting me to be on top, about him relinquishing that control he likes so much. His hands run down my sides, his thumbs stroking my skin, his grip tightening on my hips.

  “You have no idea what you do to me,” he says in a husky voice.

  I smile at him. “It’s the same thing you do to me,” I whisper.

  I look into his eyes as I raise myself up, and a jolt of nerves slashes through me. It’s only for a second though, and it dissolves, leaving me with nothing but desire for him. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before, and it’s so, so good. Better than good.

  He’s breathing raggedly or maybe it’s me. I’m in total control, and I don’t move.

  “Alexis…” he says roughly.

  I take his mouth again, so softly, as I make us one, and oh God, it’s like he’s made to fill me up. He keeps his hands on my hips as I move with him, but he lets me set the pace. And he keeps looking at me, and there’s so much emotion in his expression that I almost can’t take it. But I keep looking at him too, and it intensifies everything between us. Physically. Emotionally.

  I love this.

  I love being with you.

  I don’t want to let you go.

  I close my eyes. Let myself concentrate on how he feels and how he makes me feel, on the electric shocks radiating through me as I lower myself so I can take all of him. Let the friction and heat build as his hard body grinds against mine.

  He leans forward and kisses my neck, sucks on me as one of his arms wraps around my back and draws me even closer. I run my hands through his hair, dig my nails into his shoulders as I move faster, as those currents of electricity keep building. My breath escapes as a gasp as I feel him grow even harder, and I know he’s close when he grabs my hips with both of his hands. I start moving fast and furious until those shocks explode to fill me, and I wind my arms around his neck, moaning as my body is overcome with pleasure.

  He shudders in release at the same time, and we cling to each other, his mouth finding mine and kissing me until we can’t breathe. He lifts me off him, lays me back on the bed as I turn into a pile of jelly. Lies next to me and kisses me again, long and lazy. I kiss him back, just as lazily, drape an arm around his neck and curl up against him, but he moves away and lays the covers over me.

  “Stay here. I’m bringing you breakfast in bed,” he says into my ear.

  I snuggle down into Connor’s pillow, sighing and letting the drowsiness win.

  I don’t hear him move away for a long time. I’m on the
verge of sleep when I feel him smooth back my hair and kiss my forehead.

  I wake with a start to the smell of breakfast, and I clutch at my pillow until I remember where I am. Not my pillow. Connor’s.

  I sit up and see the tray on the side of the bed. He owns an actual tray for serving breakfast in bed, but it looks brand new (or just really clean). I wrap the bedsheet around myself and crawl over, smiling when I see that Connor made me the works. Coffee, juice, French toast, bacon, eggs, and a decent selection of fruit. Seriously. He can be so unreal sometimes.

  The shower’s going from the master bathroom adjoining the bedroom, and I nibble on a piece of bacon and let myself bask in happiness for a moment.

  My phone buzzes from my bag on the chair, and I grab a bunch of grapes and scoot over to the edge of the bed. It’s a text from Dad, telling me that Mom is sleeping soundly and he’s going to head back to the casino for a short while. I know that Mom is glad that Dad has a break from gambling, but I think about what Connor had said and can’t help feel relieved that Dad is taking care of his obligations to the casino to cover all of the comps.

  My phone is almost dead, and I can’t remember if I packed the charger. Actually, I’m pretty sure that I didn’t, which means I’ll have to stop by my hotel room to get it because Connor and Elle both have different phones than me. Just as I have the thought and am shuffling back over to the bed in my sheet, a call comes in, and this time it’s Elle.

  “Hey, Elle,” I say cheerily. “Have a little fun this morning?” Hello pot, please meet kettle.

  “What?” She sounds confused, and then she lets out an embarrassed laugh. “Oh, hell. Did you come by the apartment a while ago? Because Wes stopped by for a minute.”

  “I hope for your sake it lasted a lot longer than a minute,” I laugh. Damn but I’m giddy right now. “What’s up?”

  “Okay, so two things. First, I’m singing next Friday night at this small but really cool venue on West Charleston. I mentioned to Trey after the Alysa’s Empyre concert that I might want to start again, and he arranged the whole thing, even got me a backup band on short notice. It’s some buddies of his, and they do covers so I’ll have to figure out what songs of theirs I can do.”

  I can hear the excitement in her voice even though I can tell she’s trying to hold herself back and downplay it. “Elle! That’s awesome. What time?”

  “Nine o’clock. Oh, and I obviously wanted to tell Connor this too, but he’s not answering his phone right now. Is he with you?”

  I glance at the bathroom. “Yes. He’s busy right now, but I’ll tell him.”

  “Okay.” She doesn’t question it, plowing onto the second thing like she’s anxious. “The other thing, and this is for Connor too, but Cruz just stopped by, right as Wes was leaving. He told me he needs to get back to Albuquerque on Wednesday now.”

  “What?” Wednesday is two days away. Panic settles hard in my chest, and I throw the sheet off me and start grabbing my clothes from the bed and floor. I hop on one foot and stumble into my underwear, the phone pressed against my ear. “What does this mean?”

  “He said he wanted to see Connor tomorrow night, and at first he tried to make it sound all social and shit, but I called him on it.” She sounds worried, and I wonder what all else Cruz said when he talked to her. She probably feels like I do, like I totally failed Connor by not even talking with him about what he was going to do. I didn’t even see him for all of those days, and with that stuff with my mom… Crap. I wrangle my shirt over my head, my face burning with anger and some shame. But tomorrow night isn’t right now, which means we still have time.

  “You told Cruz you knew what he was really up to?”

  “I did,” she admits. “Honestly, he didn’t seem that surprised.”

  “Okay, so Connor needs to tell him that he’ll give him an answer at a later date. He said the end of the month, so he can wait until the end of the month.”

  Elle sighs loudly. “That’s the gist of what I told Cruz, but he didn’t like that. He got mad at me.”

  Mad? I bristle at the thought. “He didn’t hurt you, did he?”

  “No, no,” she says quickly. “But he wasn’t happy that I thought I had the right to say anything about it. I think Connor might be better off telling him no right now. Or I’ve actually been thinking…” She hesitates. “I know some people and probably so does Connor – acquaintances, no one that we’re really tight with – that we could send Cruz to. You know, to appease him so he’ll back off.”

  “No, Elle,” I say firmly. “That kind of guy doesn’t just stop at a little bit. If you or Connor give him anything, then he’ll keep coming back for more.” The water stops running, and I hurry up and say, “Hey, Connor’s getting out of the shower now. Let me talk to him and then I’ll call you back, ’kay?”

  “The shower? Where are you?”

  I bite my lip and the bullet at the same time. “At Connor’s house.”

  “For real?” she practically screams into my ear. “He never takes anyone to his house. Alex, what is going on between you two? Are you...”

  “Not now. Hey, we’ll figure this out, okay?” I say it loudly, to counteract her screechiness, but I have to stop her from going there. “Gotta go, but I’ll call you back.”

  I end the call and hear the bathroom door open at the same time. Still wearing nothing but my underwear and shirt, I turn around, hoping I don’t look as rattled as I feel.

  Connor is standing in the doorway, a towel wrapped around his waist, his body still wet because he probably heard me yelling and came out right away to investigate. His hair is darkly plastered to his forehead, a concerned expression on his face as I drop the phone.

  He looks so, so beautiful that I want to cry.

  The next fifteen minutes go by in a blur. I manage to keep my emotions and angry commentary in check, reporting to him first what Elle told me and then my own harebrained ideas on the subject. He listens to me until I’m done, the tight muscles in his jaw the only sign that he’s upset.

  Turns out that Connor’s also considered that Cruz might already have connections here and that Neil has “people” (I’m afraid to ask exactly what that means) tailing Cruz to see who they are.

  “So you haven’t heard from Neil yet?”

  “No, but I’m going to call him now.” He steps up to me and plants a quick kiss on my lips, his gaze holding mine with an intensity that makes me reel. “I’ll take care of this. Thank you, love.”

  I nod, and he grabs his phone and walks out of the room, already speaking with Neil before he’s out of earshot. He’s all business-like and efficient, and I’m glad that he’s so level-headed because it helps me be the same. I decide to take my turn in the bathroom and run out to his garage, grab my bag from the trunk of his car, and sneak back into his room. The sneaking turns out to be unnecessary because I can hear Connor’s voice coming from upstairs on my way through the house.

  I take the quickest shower in history, brush my teeth, and run a pick through my hair so it won’t dry all tangled. Stuff my clothes from yesterday into my bag and throw on a new shirt and skirt. Keep my makeup simple and light.

  It takes me a total of ten minutes, and Connor is dressed and waiting for me in his room when I get out. He’s walking around restlessly, not exactly pacing but pretty close.

  “Neil has some preliminary information for me, and I’m going to the Strip to meet him right now,” he says without preface. “Do you want me to drop you off at the hospital to see your mom? Or you’re also welcome to stay here.”

  Obviously me coming along isn’t an option, not that I thought it would be. I remember my dad’s text. “I’ll stay here,” I say.

  He nods distractedly. “I should only be an hour or so, but in case you get bored, there’s a clubhouse with a pool about a block east of here. I’ll give you the code for it and also the one for my front door if you want to go.”

  I keep my face intentionally blank as he quickly writes down both co
des down on a piece of paper in bold blocky handwriting. It’s maybe silly of me to think anything of it, but it is sort of like he’s giving me a key to his house.

  I can tell he’s itching to go, but I dig through my brain for something to say.

  Be careful.

  I don’t want anything to happen to you.

  He’s already halfway to the door. “See ya soon,” I say.

  Connor stops in his tracks and turns around, reaching me in four long strides. He slides his hand around to the small of my back, holding me there as he kisses me. It’s sweet and soft and hot all at once, his tongue purposefully slow as he kisses me. I clutch at his arms in an attempt to keep centered. He ends it way before I’m ready for it to end, touches my cheek, and gives me his old cocky grin before he sets off. I watch him walk out the door with that swagger of his. Damn.

  I pick at the rest of the breakfast for a few minutes but decide to take him up on his offer to use the pool. I’d thrown in one of my swimsuits when I packed, more out of habit than anything, and I grab it and put it on under my clothes. I dig out my flip flops and kick them onto my feet, wrapping up my hair into a loose knot at the base of my neck. Don’t know if there are towels there or if Connor has special ones he uses for the pool, but I snag the towel I used for my shower, and also grab my phone, sunglasses, and piece of paper with the codes before taking the breakfast tray out to the kitchen.

  I root around in the lower cupboards until I find a mess of tupperware containers and dig through until I can find matching lids. I save what will keep and scrape the rest into the garbage before stacking the dishes into the dishwasher. I guess I could have left the tray, but it’s maybe habit from working in the food business or from my Gran and her aversion to wasting food.

  I dig around some more and find another mess of recyclable shopping bags in a drawer. Don’t know why, but I’m glad that not everything in this house is perfectly neat and stacked. I untangle one of the bags and stick my stuff for the pool into it, fill my water bottle, throw on my sunglasses, and I’m out the door. It beeps behind me to let me know it’s locked.