Secrets of My Hollywood Life #5: Broadway Lights

by Jen Calonita

  "Look, it's just a little drip," Liz tells Sky, pointing at her kickboxing T-shirt. "No biggie."

  No biggie? Ha! If I had done that to her favorite shirt, she would have squirted her Sprite back at me. I give her a look.

  "Chex?" Sky holds out the bag for me and winks.

  "No, thanks." All I want is get a little sleep before I see Austin. I wanted to show up at his dorm room tonight when we got in, but Nadine said that arriving at his dorm at five AM might cause a small commotion. So instead we checked into the nearest hotel ("A Doubletree?" Sky scowled. "Eww.") and everyone made me agree to set the alarm clock for ten AM so that I didn't show up "with huge bags under your eyes and a major zit." (Liz. Sky laughed though.) The only room they had left was a two-bedroom suite in a full-on Texas motif so Nadine and I are bunking together and Liz and Sky are in the other bed. Matty and Rodney are already snoring in the other room, but I can't sleep.

  "K, if you don't shut your eyes soon, you're going to have a meltdown, and I really don't want to take you to a hospital in Texas." Sky shudders.

  "Enough breakdown talk." I sigh. I hug my way-too-fluffy pillow to my chest and lean back against the wood headboard. I pull my custom Ahsoka Tano shirt that Austin had made for me over my mouth. "I'm already"--yawn--"freaked out enough as it is."

  "Kates, you know Austin is totally going to forgive you once he sees you." Liz smiles. "I called Josh earlier and he didn't even mention you two having a fight. If it was major, he would have told Josh. And if he told Josh, Josh would have told me."

  I stare at the picture of the cattle ranch on the far wall, not sure if I buy her logic. "I keep trying to rehearse what I'm going to say to Austin, but the words get all tangled up. I don't know where to start."

  "Just make out with him." Sky shrugs. "That always works for me. Then they forget why you were fighting in the first place."

  "On that inspiring note, it's time to sleep," Nadine says. She leans over and turns off the light next to me. Sky turns over and flips off the light next to her bed as well. It's dark, but I can already see the sky lightening between the cracks of the window curtains.

  "Guys?" I ask through the blackness as my eyelids get heavier. The only thing I can hear is the whir of the air-conditioning unit in the wall and Nadine twisting and turning next to me. It feels like the safest time to admit my darkest fear. "What if all this bickering and all the missed phone calls are a sign of a bigger problem? What if Austin likes De-Manda?"

  "You deal with that road if you come to it, which I don't think you will." Liz sounds so calm that I'm jealous.

  "But what if we break up?" I almost whisper.

  "If that happens, then I'll be there for you." Liz's voice is strong and reassuring.

  "We'll be there for you," Sky corrects, which makes me a little teary. But I'm too tired to cry.

  "We'll all be there for you," Liz amends.

  "You're not alone, Kaitin." Nadine is not asleep yet either, apparently. "We've got your back. That's what friends are for."

  And that's the last thing I remember hearing before I fall asleep.

  * * *

  The next thing I remember is my alarm going off at ten AM. Sky hits the snooze three times and then Liz says she's changing the wake-up time to eleven since we don't have a specific time we're meeting Austin anyway. I think about fighting her, but I'm too tired and a little worried that Liz might be right about the under-eye circles. By eleven-thirty we're all up. Nadine's BlackBerry keeps going off and to keep her from hurling it against the wall, I read the latest message to her then immediately regret doing so. It's Mom asking where we are. She had called the apartment twice and gotten no answer. Nadine jumps up to call her from the closet and warns the rest of us to keep our voices down. While Matty and Sky take showers in the two separate bathrooms, and Liz watches The View, I check my phone. For some reason it's off, even though I don't remember turning it off. As soon as it powers up, I see the text. It was sent at eight-thirty this morning.

  AUSTIN'S CELL: Tried calling all night, but no answer. Call me, okay? We need 2 talk.

  "Guys, Austin texted me!" I scream.

  "Let me see!" Liz jumps up and reads the text. "He tried calling? When?"

  "I know I had my phone on all night, but it was just off. " We stare at the screen as the low-battery light blinks menacingly and the phone shuts off again. Liz smacks me in the shoulder.

  "Kates, you forgot to charge your phone? You know how quickly iPhones run out of juice!" Liz reprimands and places her hands on her low-rise Juicy Couture cropped denim jeans (she's paired them with the cutest Alice & Oliva yellow silk ruffle camisole). I don't know how I can be thinking about clothes at a time like this. "Austin could have been calling you since we were in New York! When was the last time you looked at your phone?"

  I bite my lip. "I don't know." She looks at me. "I was checking during the show last night, but then I guess I got so wrapped up in leaving for Texas I threw my phone in my bag and forgot about it. Don't tell Nadine," I beg loudly and scramble in my bag for the phone charger. When I find it, I quickly plug the phone in to charge. It's completely dead now.

  Nadine rushes out of the closet she was in and shushes me angrily and then points to her phone. She's already dressed too (a pale blue Gap V-neck empire top and her favorite white Ann Taylor Loft cargo shorts). I'm the only one procrastinating.

  "I am trying to not let on that we're out of state," Nadine hisses. "I'm trying to throw her off by changing the subject. I told her you have an appointment at the DMV in Los Angeles the week we get back from New York."

  "Good one," I tell Nadine.

  HOLLYWOOD SECRET NUMBER FIFTEEN: Getting my license isn't really a secret, I know. I've been trying to get it forever and I really am taking the test when I go home at the end of the summer, but how celebrities deal with things like the DMV is sort of a juicy tidbit. Ever wonder why you never bump into Kim Kardashian renewing her license? That's because she probably never waits in line. Certain places, like the DMV in Hollywood or Beverly Hills, have a side entrance, and from time to time they let celebrities use it. You could say it's getting us out of the two-hour line, but the DMV sees it as helping them as well. If a star causes a commotion in line, that would be a lot harder to take care of than letting us cut to the front of the line to get new license plates.

  I reread Austin's text twice. "Him texting me has to be a good sign, right? He didn't say anything about the message I left him saying I didn't want to break up. Do you think that means he does want to break up? And then there's this 'We need to talk' part. That can't be good, can it?"

  "Oh, God, get in the shower already so we can get you over there and shut you up," Sky barks, as she walks out of the bathroom in an olive green polka dot Walter dress. I'll forgive her attitude because I know she's cranky from the lack of eight hours sleep.

  Matty emerges and I do as I'm told. By one-thirty we're out the door and Rodney is driving the rental minivan to Austin's camp, the Longhorn Lacrosse Clinic, which is held at a local college. I was so nervous about the trip that I didn't give a lot of consideration to what I'd be wearing for my big confrontation with Austin. Luckily I was able to cobble a decent outfit together from Sky's, Liz's, and my stuff. I have on Sky's white Marc by Marc Jacobs cotton chambray pleated top and Liz's royal blue Leanne Marshall linen ruffle skirt. Around my neck is the necklace Austin gave me last Christmas.

  I realize when we pull up to campus that I have no clue what dorm Austin is in and there are four. Then Nadine remembers that I sent Austin a care package the first week I arrived in New York--I haven't sent one since. Gulp. She finds the address on her BlackBerry and pulls up the dorm name. We get inside, thanks to a girl who recognizes Sky and me, and make it to Austin's room, but there's no answer. The whole floor is deserted.

  "Um, guys? It's midday, there's no one here, and this is a lacrosse camp," Matty says. "Want to take a guess where they might be?"

  "The lacrosse fields?" Rodney is hopeful.<
br />
  "Austin told me they didn't play during the heat of the day," I tell the others.

  "That girl said they were on a different schedule this week," Liz points out. "Maybe they're playing. It's worth a shot, no?"

  "Let's go." I take off ahead of the group. I can't wait another minute to see Austin.

  We don't have to go far to find the fields, which are swarming with players in blue and yellow pinnies.

  "How did we miss this?" Liz marvels as we hurry across the grass. The heat is brutal here. I'm sweating already and we've only been outside for a few minutes. I can't imagine why they'd practice in this. Austin said they usually worked out in the morning and late afternoon, but it's almost two and they are all on the field. The question is, with so many guys and girls running around, how am I going to find Austin?

  "Hey, aren't you Sky Mackenzie?" A guy with sweaty tousled brown hair leans on his lacrosse stick and stares straight into Sky's eyes. She smiles and sashays her olive green dress side to side.

  "Yes I am. Hi, cowboy," she purrs.

  Liz laughs. "What makes you think he's a cowboy?"

  "We're in Texas," Sky points out.

  "This is camp, he could be from anywhere!" Liz is incredulous.

  "Do something before they start rolling on the grass throwing punches," Nadine suggests as the two continue to yell at each other. The boy looks on curiously. The girls are actually starting to draw a crowd.

  "Hi there," I say, smiling brightly.

  And then before I can say anything else, he points at me. "Burke! You're Kaitlin Burke!"

  "Yes, I am."

  "What are you doing here?" he asks as more people jog over.

  "I'm looking for someone, actually," I tell him as I smile at all the newcomers. "I don't know if he's out here though. He told me his group doesn't usually play during the early afternoon."

  The guy nods. "None of us do. It rained all last week so we had to do it today to make up for some lost scrimmage time."

  That means Austin is out here somewhere. I scan the fields again, wishing I could spot him. "Do any of you know Austin Meyers?" I ask.

  The guy motions to someone behind him. "I think she's on the same floor as him." A girl with a long brown ponytail, long side swept bangs, and legs that are longer than Heidi Klum's strolls over. She isn't wearing any makeup, and she's super sweaty, but her tanned skin is flawless and she has the most gorgeous gray eyes. I don't even have to ask who she is.

  "Amanda, right?" I ask. Liz and Sky stop fighting and look up.

  "Yeah." Amanda looks from my yellow print Coach sandals up to my clean pink manicure and snakeskin bag. Before I can stop myself, I notice her chipped short red nails. She quickly drops her hands to her side and sort of hides them behind her back.

  I immediately feel guilty. It isn't hard to tell that Amanda, as beautiful as she is, feels unsure of herself now that the girl she's been toying with is standing right in front of her. And movie star or no movie star, this is a girl-to-girl problem.

  "That's the girl?" Sky is loud on purpose. "Deck her."

  Amanda shifts slightly and I watch as she keeps pushing her bangs nervously behind her ears. Everyone is looking at us, even though I highly doubt anyone but me and Amanda knows what is going on. But I know. And so does Amanda.

  We could go two ways with this. We could scream at each other and make nasty put-downs, both trying to one-up each other for Austin. Or I could rip into her and make her feel insignificant like Lauren and Ava have done to me and Sky all summer, and we did to them on SNL, but where did that get us? Nowhere. Where did being mean to Riley get me? It hasn't made her any nicer to me or convinced her I can handle the stage. After everything that has gone down this summer, I finally realize one thing: You really do get more bees with honey. It's time to act mature.

  As much as it kills me, I hold out my hand and smile. "Hi, I'm Kaitlin." I keep my tone pleasant and Sky gasps. "It's nice to finally meet you."

  "What is she doing?" Sky hisses and I notice Liz start to drag her away. "She should punch her!"

  Amanda slowly extends her own sweaty hand. "Amanda." Her voice is soft. She does, however, look slightly relieved.

  And I am too. Yes, she's been catty and rude to me more than once, but she also obviously thinks my boyfriend is a hottie, and who can blame her for that one? "I'm looking for Austin. Do you know where he is?"

  "He's on the other field." Amanda points in the direction with her stick. "I can take you, if you want."

  "That would be great." I follow her through the crowd, leaving the others behind. I look back anxiously and I see Nadine's face. She actually looks proud. I guess I know how she would handle this situation too.

  Amanda and I sort of walk in silence, sticking to a few occasional sentences that are sure not to cause any problems like, "Wow, it's hot here" and "How was your trip to Texas?" Way too soon, or not soon enough, depending on the scattered thoughts racing through my mind, we are at the field and Amanda is pointing Austin out to me. Austin is in full-on lacrosse mode. I can barely make out his face under his helmet, but I know his number, and I keep my eyes on him as Amanda points out other teammates and talks about the scouts that have already come by in the last week.

  "He's really good," she says to me.

  "I know." I stop when I realize that sounds kind of territorial, even though I don't mean to be. "I mean, I've seen him play at home."

  "Right"--she shrugs--"you would, being his girlfriend and all."

  I was a few days ago.

  God, I hope I still am.

  I hear a whistle and then guys and girls start streaming off the field. I see Austin take off his helmet and shake out his wet hair. He is tanner than I've ever seen him and his shirt is so drenched that it clings to the six-pack he seems to have developed since he's been here. He is dirty and sweaty and yet all I want to do is break away from Amanda and throw myself at him. But I restrain myself for the ten seconds, at least, it takes for him to get to the sidelines.

  "Austin!" I call his name hoarsely when I can't take it anymore.

  He turns slowly and sees me. At first he looks sort of confused, then he breaks into a huge smile and then his face goes sort of blank, which is really confusing.

  "What are you doing here?" he asks as he walks straight toward me and stands inches from my face.

  It takes all my willpower not to reach forward and kiss him. But I'm too scared. What if Austin doesn't want to kiss me anymore? Part of me doesn't even feel like I deserve him after the way I behaved this summer and if I feel that way there is a chance Austin is thinking the same thing.

  Forget waiting for news on Small Fish, Big Pond, or my reviews on Broadway. Knowing what Austin is thinking about me being here and what he thinks about the future of us is scarier than anything else going on in my life. I don't want this to be over. Seeing Austin again, right in front of me, I know more than ever what I want, and it's him, and I'm praying he'll give me another shot.

  "I came to see you," I say even though I guess that part is obvious. I look at Amanda. "Amanda told me where you were."

  He looks from me to Amanda and then his face flinches slightly. "She was very helpful," I add.

  "I'll leave you two alone," Amanda says to me. "It was nice meeting you, Kaitlin."

  "You too," I tell her.

  Even though I know there are people watching us, all I can think about is Austin. A hot breeze blows between us and Austin's sweaty blond hair covers his eyes.

  "I called you all night and you didn't answer," Austin starts to say. "I thought..."

  "Me first," I insist. "I came to say I'm sorry." My voice is squeaky, but I won't cry. "For everything. You were right. I haven't been there for you and you're always there for me. I let my work get in the way and I didn't care about how my friendship with Dylan affected you. I've been a rotten girlfriend."

  Austin doesn't say anything at first. His face is scrunched up and he seems to be thinking of the words he wants to say. I'm br
eathless waiting to hear them. Are they good or bad?

  "I thought maybe you liked Dylan." Austin looks so pained. "And instead of telling me you didn't, you kept pushing the topic off the table."

  "I should have told you the truth about Dylan." The wind is still whipping and I push my hair off my face. "But I was afraid. We were so far apart and I thought if you knew Dylan was into me that would make you madder. We spent so little time on the phone as it was, I didn't want to spend it fighting."

  "I know." Austin's blue eyes are serious. "That's my fault. I should have called you more."

  "I should have called you more!" I interrupt, but Austin cuts me off.

  "Let me talk, okay?" He sounds gruff, and it makes me nervous. "I should have called you when I said I would. It's not that I didn't want to talk to you, it's just..." He hesitates. "I hate the phone."

  "You what?" I'm confused.

  "I hate the phone," Austin admits and his mouth starts to twitch. Is he going to smile? "Hate it. We never talk on it at home. I talk to you for five minutes or we text and then I see you so there's no need for technology to get in the way, but a lengthy phone conversation? I can't stand it. I should have told you that."

  He hates the phone. I wish he had told me that.

  "It's no excuse though." Austin runs his dirty hands through his hair. "I should have made the effort. But then after the stuff with Dylan started happening, I got upset and then when you seemed worked up about Amanda answering our phone it made me think, 'now she knows how I feel.' I guess that's why I let you get all crazy about her."

  Austin was getting me back. I guess I deserved that.

  "But I shouldn't have done that to you the other night," he admits. "I should have gotten back on the phone."

  My throat feels so dry, but I need to make this point clear. "I don't like Dylan. I swear I don't."

  "I don't like Amanda." Austin's blue eyes are so truthful, how could I not believe him?

  "So does that mean you still like me?" I try to joke, but my heart is aching. "I promise to be a better girlfriend if you'll let me. Do you think you can forgive me? I..." I look at him searchingly and feel the need to say this. "I love you."