The Summer I Wasn't Me

by Jessica Verdi

  He waits until Daniel’s recounted all the details he could think of about the alumni day and then says, “Spill.”

  “Huh?” Daniel says.

  “You two.” Matthew points to me and Carolyn. “I want details. Don’t leave anything out.”

  That, of course, makes me blush all over again. There are some details that Matthew is just not going to get.

  Daniel is looking back and forth between the three of us. “What did I miss?”

  “Nothing,” I say quickly. “Matthew’s still a little delirious.”

  Matthew pouts like a three-year-old who was just told he can’t have any ice cream. “Fine,” he says. “Don’t tell me. I’ll just carry on my miserable existence in this tiny cabin with nothing to keep me entertained except a book about protecting your virtue.”

  Way to make me feel even more guilty. Thanks, Matthew.

  I look to Carolyn for backup. She’s much better at this playing-it-cool stuff than I am. But she grins and says, “I say tell them.”

  My jaw drops. “Really?”

  “Sure. Why not?”

  “Okay, what are you guys talking about?” Daniel says.

  “Please, Lexi?” Matthew pleads. “I would do it for you.”

  His words pierce straight through me, putting a major hole in my will. Of course he would do it for me. He would do anything for me. He already has. He really does deserve to know that everything he went through wasn’t for nothing, and it seems like we’re never going to get another chance to talk without Daniel being present, so…

  I throw up my hands in defeat. “All right.”

  Matthew claps excitedly.

  “But it doesn’t leave this room, okay?”

  “Of course,” Matthew says.

  “Daniel?” I ask. “Can you keep a secret?”

  He nods. “Yes.”

  “Carolyn and I are…” I realize I don’t know how to finish. What are we? Girlfriends? Dating?

  “In love,” Carolyn says.

  I catch my breath, and Carolyn’s gaze meets mine as if to say, Aren’t we? Her eyes are hopeful.

  “In love,” I say, surprised at how comfortable the word feels on my tongue. After all the times I’ve thought it, it’s the first time I’ve actually said it out loud.

  Daniel’s mouth falls open.

  “Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!” Matthew squeals. “This is amazing! Tell me everything. Start at the beginning.”

  We don’t tell them everything, but we tell them enough. By the time we’re done talking, Matthew’s eyes are shimmering with unshed tears.

  “What’s wrong?” I ask.

  “Nothing! I’m just so glad,” he says. “All of this”—he gestures to his bruises, and then out the window to the camp—“was actually worth something.”

  Daniel looks at Carolyn’s and my hands, clasped together. “You both seem really happy,” he says. But I think he’s wondering whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing.

  “We are,” Carolyn and I say in unison.

  Matthew heaves a giant sigh. “I miss Justin.”

  ***

  Brianna’s on dorm duty the next morning. It’ll be infinitely riskier to sneak out with her on guard than it was with Deb and Barbara. But not going to meet Carolyn in the woods is just not an option. I need that time with her.

  It’s not until I’ve slipped out of the dorm and am on my way to our meeting spot that I realize that Carolyn and I never actually made a plan to meet today. Maybe she assumed that Brianna days are a no-go. She’s probably off running somewhere, not expecting me to come looking for her.

  But I keep walking anyway. If she’s not there, I’ll go back. But we only have less than two weeks left at New Horizons, and then she’ll go back to Connecticut and I’ll go back home to South Carolina, and I’ll regret every single moment I could have been with her but wasn’t. So on the off chance that she is there, I keep going.

  And there she is, lying in the grass. I slide my body over hers and kiss her deeply.

  “Good morning,” she murmurs.

  “Morning.”

  “I didn’t know if you were going to come.”

  “I didn’t know if you were going to be waiting.”

  She brings her mouth to mine again by way of an answer.

  A while later, as we lie together in the tall grass, half-dressed and limbs tangled together, I tell her, “This was my wish.”

  She strokes the hair out of my eyes. “What wish?”

  “When you held out that speck of glitter on your fingertip and told me to make a wish. This was it.”

  “Making out in the woods?” she says, laughing.

  I playfully pinch her arm. “No. You and me. Together.”

  She looks at me, all traces of joking vanished. “What’s going to happen after the summer?” she blurts out.

  I swallow. “What do you mean?” I say slowly. But of course I know what she means. It’s the question that’s been gnawing at the back of my mind ever since our first morning here in the woods.

  She sits up. “I’m just wondering where you’re at, like, with your mom and everything. Are you going to tell her about us?”

  “Um…I don’t know. I haven’t really thought about it.” It’s kind of a lie. I have thought about it. I just didn’t let myself think about it long enough to come to a conclusion. There were too many other feelings, too much goodness going on.

  “But you said in DC that you would tell your mom the truth…”

  Yeah. I did say that. But that was when Carolyn and I were still a pipedream. Now it’s all so…real.

  As I try to iron out my wrinkled thoughts, I’m distracted by the sight of Carolyn hastily standing up and readjusting her clothes. Her movements are clipped, tense. What happened?

  “What’s wrong?” I ask.

  “Nothing.”

  I grab her hand. “Carolyn.”

  She stops moving and looks at me.

  “What’s going on?”

  “You clearly don’t know what you want, Lexi.” She crosses her arms as if trying to protect herself from me.

  I stare into the blue of her eyes. “Of course I do. I want to be with you.”

  She stares back at me, searching, and after a long moment, her expression softens. “I want to be with you too.”

  I breathe out, relieved. “Good.”

  “But that means you’re going to have to tell your mom.” She sits down again. “If we’re going to do this, we have to do it for real. I can’t be with someone else who isn’t a hundred percent committed. I can’t do secrets anymore.”

  I nod. “I know.”

  She slides closer to me and slowly leans in, her eyes never leaving mine. My heart speeds up with anticipation. And then, just as our lips are about to touch, we hear it.

  “Stop right there, ladies.”

  It’s Mr. Martin.

  Chapter 36

  Carolyn and I move apart so fast it’s like a grenade was set off between us.

  I scramble around like a fumbling idiot, my heart leaping every which way around my ribcage. At least I still had my bra on.

  I pull my shirt on as quickly as possible and avoid all eye contact. The longer I put off facing Mr. Martin, the longer I can extend the calm before the hurricane.

  But when I hear Carolyn whisper, “Daniel,” I know the time for denial has passed.

  I look at her and follow her gaze across the grass to the edge of the trees. Behind Mr. Martin stands Brianna, her expression wiped clean of any of the friendliness it may have formerly held…and Daniel. He looks distraught. He’s gripping Carolyn’s and my copy of The Great Gatsby tight against his chest.

  The map. That’s how they found us.

  “Daniel, how could you?” Carolyn says.

  He
just shakes his head slightly. His eyes are apologetic, but he doesn’t speak and he doesn’t move away from the counselors. He’s chosen his side.

  “Daniel did exactly what he was supposed to do,” Mr. Martin answers for him. “Well, not exactly—he went to Brianna first instead of coming directly to me.” He shoots Daniel a disappointed look. “But he spoke with us last night and told us what was going on between the two of you. He was worried for your souls. And well he should be. It’s not just the reprehensible act itself, but the lying, the sneaking around, the act you put on for the camp. You are sinners.”

  I stare him down, calmer than I thought I would be when this moment arrived. “Look who’s talking,” I say, each word clear and biting.

  Mr. Martin blinks. “Excuse me?”

  “You know exactly what I’m talking about. And so do you, Brianna.”

  Brianna opens her mouth but seems to change her mind about speaking. Instead, she turns slowly away and walks back the way they came.

  Mr. Martin’s confident façade falters for a fragment of a second. I don’t back down—I hold his stare, letting him know that I know everything. And then, still staring him down, I reach my hand out to my side. After a moment, I feel Carolyn’s soft hand slide into it and hold on tight.

  We stand like that for a long time, us against them: the boy who’s beginning to realize he’s been kept in the dark about a lot more than just me and Carolyn, and the man who’s beginning to realize that his days of getting away with all this are coming to an end.

  But there’s nothing Mr. Martin can do now except continue with the script. He says, “You are aware of the penalty for this type of transgression—”

  “We know,” I cut him off. “Come on, Carolyn. Let’s go home.”

  ***

  Carolyn goes into Mr. Martin’s office first. I wait outside with Deb, who’s watching over me like a stone gargoyle. Brianna’s nowhere to be seen. She’s probably off praying, trying to convince herself that everything is going to be fine.

  But no amount of praying is going to save New Horizons now.

  I listen through the door as Mr. Martin explains to Carolyn’s parents over the phone what happened and that they must come pick her up immediately. The conversation is short. “They’ll be here in six hours,” he tells Carolyn, hanging up the phone. He sounds disappointed that her parents weren’t more upset.

  The door opens and Carolyn and I lock eyes as we switch places. “Good luck,” she whispers as the door closes and our connection is broken.

  Thanks, I think. I’m going to need it.

  Mr. Martin dials my mom’s number. As he hits the last digit, I say, “Can I tell her?”

  He looks at me, receiver to his ear. It’s probably already ringing.

  “You can supervise,” I say. “I just want to be able to tell her myself. It’s all the same in the end, right?”

  Mr. Martin thinks for a moment and, probably deciding that he’d better get on my good side while he still can just in case I actually really do know what I said I know, hands the phone over to me.

  “Hello?” my mother’s distant, small voice comes through the earpiece.

  I bring the phone to my ear and take a deep breath.

  “Hello?” she says again.

  “Mom?”

  “Lexi! What a wonderful surprise!” She sounds just as cheerful and dynamic as she did during our last phone conversation. I don’t want to ruin it. Oh God, what if I tell her this and she down spirals? What if things get bad again?

  But I have no choice. Mr. Martin is staring at me, waiting to get to the punch line, and Carolyn is somewhere in this cabin, depending on me to do the right thing.

  “Mom, I have something to tell you.”

  “Oh? Is everything all right?”

  “Yes and no. I, um…” Mr. Martin is watching me closely. “I need you to come pick me up.”

  “Yes, next Sunday, right?” Mom says. “I have it marked on the calendar.”

  “No. Today. Now.”

  There’s silence down the line.

  “Mom?” I say, worry building up in my chest. “Are you there?”

  “Yes, Lexi,” she says quietly after a moment. “I’m here. What happened? What did you do?”

  I immediately feel defensive. Why does she assume it was something I did? Why does everything automatically have to be my fault?

  I mean, okay, it is my fault. But she doesn’t know that yet.

  “I tried, Mom,” I say. “I really, really tried. I just…It didn’t work. I’m so sorry.”

  I hear some sort of clanging through the phone, like Mom’s angrily putting away pots and pans or something.

  “Mom? Say something, please.”

  The clanging cuts off. “I’m leaving in five minutes. See you in a few hours.” The line goes dead.

  I hand the phone back to Mr. Martin, my mother’s voice repeating in my ears. “She’s on her way,” I say.

  Chapter 37

  When I leave Mr. Martin’s office, Carolyn’s not there anymore.

  But Deb is waiting for me. “Come with me,” she says, and I follow her into another room, one I’ve never seen before. It’s a small bedroom, with a single bed and modest furnishings. There is a Bible on the desk and a photograph of Deb and a dark-skinned man with a mustache and his pants pulled up way too high. This must be her room for when she’s not on dorm duty.

  “What are we doing in here?” I ask. “Shouldn’t I be packing or something?”

  “You won’t be allowed back into the dorm until the other campers are safely down at the field cabins.”

  Safely. Of course. They don’t want to risk me and Carolyn infecting the other girls with our sickness.

  And then, way too late, it dawns on me that it’s not just the other campers they’re keeping us from—they’re keeping us apart from each other too. This tiny room is a cell, and Deb, standing there in front of the door with her arms crossed, is the prison guard. A bud of panic sprouts in my stomach. “Where’s Carolyn?” I say cautiously.

  “With Kaylee.”

  “Can I see her?”

  “No.”

  “Why?”

  “Why do you think?” she retorts.

  I stare into Deb’s flat eyes and sink down into the desk chair, suddenly sick to my stomach.

  They’re keeping us separated. I’m not going to get a chance to say good-bye.

  Oh my God—I don’t even have her contact information. All I really know is her first name and that she’s from Connecticut. That’s pretty much the same amount of information she has about me. How are we ever going to find each other again?

  Think fast, Lexi.

  “Is that your brother?” I say, pointing to the picture. Maybe if I can somehow get Deb to open up, she’ll help me.

  “That’s my husband,” she replies flatly. “Now be quiet.”

  “You must miss him,” I say. “Do you get to talk to him much while you’re here?”

  She shoots me a look that says, I told you to be quiet. That’s the only answer I get. Her face closes off even more, like she’s a robot powering down.

  I sigh and lay my head down on the desk like I used to do in study hall. Or I guess I still do that in study hall. It seems like years since I was in school, but I’ll be back there in a matter of weeks.

  Senior year. Back to my boy-crazy friends and Zoë acting like I don’t exist and senior pranks and homecoming and planning for college. But even with all the tedium, it won’t be the same as it was. Because I’m different. I’m not going to hide anymore.

  I just really need Carolyn to help me through it.

  Why the hell didn’t we exchange our contact info?

  ***

  About an hour later, Arthur knocks on the door. “Lexi can pack her things now,” he says.

&
nbsp; I follow Deb up the stairs and to the girls’ dorm, where Carolyn’s bags are already packed and waiting on her neatly made bed. She’s not there though.

  It’s going to be okay, I tell myself. Even if I have to call every single sixteen-year-old Carolyn in the entire state of Connecticut, I’ll find her.

  I get to work neatly folding my clothes and wedging them all in my suitcase. Deb insists I take all the makeup and beauty products I’ve accumulated over the course of the summer, so they go in next, followed by my shoes. The suitcase is heavy and full, near bursting at the zippers, but it feels empty. Because it’s missing something.

  “Hey, Deb?” I say.

  She comes over to my area. “Yes?”

  I say a quick, silent prayer. I need this to work. “Daniel has my book. Would you be able to get it back from him for me?”

  She purses her lips, considering. I don’t know if she knows about the map or Carolyn’s and my notes to each other inside or not, and she doesn’t let on now.

  I look at her, pleading. “Please? It’s really important.”

  Finally, she nods. “I’ll be right back. Do not leave this room.”

  I nod. Where would I go anyway? Wherever Carolyn is, she’s being guarded.

  After Deb leaves, I rummage through Carolyn’s stuff, looking for anything that might help me find her. There are clothes, a half-completed sweater still attached to her knitting needles, running shoes, her purple rhinestone headband, but nothing helpful.

  I hurry back to my bed, tear a blank page from my journal, and write—as neatly as I can—my address, email address, and cell phone number.

  Then I add: I’m not sorry we got caught. I’m going to tell my mom everything. I love you.

  I fold the paper into a neat square and slide it into the side pocket of Carolyn’s duffle bag.

  Satisfied, I go back to my own area and settle in to wait.

  Fifteen minutes go by then thirty. Deb’s taking a lot longer than she should. Was she lying? Maybe she had no intention of getting my book back for me after all. Or maybe Mr. Martin or Brianna confiscated it as, I don’t know, evidence or something.

  I’m beginning to give up all hope of ever seeing the book again when Deb comes back in. She hands the tattered paperback over to me. “This took forever to find,” she says, annoyed. “Daniel didn’t have it.”