by Jim Ladd
“Oh, erm, that, it’s, erm… a birthday treat?” Comet replied.
“Take this snivelling coward away,” the Thangaloid ordered.
One of the other Thangaloids grabbed Comet’s coat collar.
“Easy there, me hearty,” protested Comet as he was dragged away. “That’s Galvonian velvet, it creases terribly. It’ll be awfully difficult to get the slime out…” Comet’s voice faded away as the Thangaloid hauled him down the gangplank. The other Thangaloid glared at the Apollo’s crew.
“As for the rest of you, follow me. Don’t even think about trying anything – though I doubt you’d have the nerve.”
The crew of the Apollo trooped down the gangplank and joined the trawlermen as they were marched behind their captain. They were herded to the other side of the dock where Comet and the trawler captain were thrown to their knees in front of a huge throne made entirely from crab shells. Sat on the throne was a gigantic, Thangaloid. His skin was slimier than the others Sam had seen and was covered in even more suckers. The other Thangaloids all bowed as they approached him, so Sam guessed that this must be the king.
“So,” said the king, his deep voice thick with menace, “how much crab have you brought back today?”
The fisherman began to frantically burp and slurp a reply. Barney leaned over to Sam and started to translate.
“He’s saying they were attacked by a monster…”
“Silence, worm!” the king interrupted the fisherman. “I do not want to hear your life story! I want to see how many crabs you have caught! Weigh the catch!”
Two Thangaloids carried over a large net containing the same type of crabs Barney had been catching earlier. The net was dumped on to a gigantic set of scales. Sam watched nervously as the dial moved, as did the snivelling trawler captain. When the dial stopped, he let out a cry and threw himself at the king’s feet.
Barney leaned over to Sam. “He’s pleading for mercy,” the Kraken said.
The Thangaloid king leaned so far over the trawler captain that some slime from his forehead dripped on to the unfortunate fisherman.
“Pathetic!” the king barked. “Guards, take this fool away and throw him into the black hole!”
The trawler captain was dragged to his feet and carried away, howling and sobbing and burping pathetically.
“You!” barked the king, pointing at one of the trawlermen. “You are the new captain. Do not fail me!”
The trawlermen were chased away back to their ship. The king’s evil eyes alighted on Captain Comet.
“And you?” he said.
“Ah, yes, ahem,” said Comet. “There’s obviously been some terrible mistake here. You see, we’re not fishermen, we just got lost. Now if you could just give us directions for how to get out of this nebula then we’ll leave right away. As far as we’re concerned we don’t even know you’re here.” Comet tapped the side of his nose conspiratorially.
“Yes, there has been a mistake, you snivelling space maggot,” the king replied, pulling himself up to his huge blubbery height. “You haven’t brought me any crabs.”
“Oh right,” said Comet, cowering under the king’s gaze. “I’m sure that can be arranged, can’t it me hearties?” He appealed to the Apollo’s crew. “And how many would you like? Enough for a light snack? A handful? Perhaps a sack?”
The king bellowed with irritation. “No one may leave my nebula until they bring me the weight of their ship – in crabs!”
“But that would be,” said Comet to himself, “now let’s see, twenty-five times seven… no, twenty-seven… no, no, I’ve forgotten the anchor, so add four and carry three, erm… two hundred, no, two thousand, no, no it’s… That’s a lot of crabs!” He mopped his brow with a brightly coloured handkerchief. “But if we bring them to you, then we can go free?” he asked meekly.
“Of course,” the king replied. His big, blue, bulbous body began to jiggle and his suckers started to shake. Sam realised that the king was laughing – it was not a pretty sight. “But don’t count your crabs before you’ve caught them,” the king chortled. “No one yet has ever brought me enough. And if you fail, the only journey you will be going on is to the centre of the black hole! Mwa ha ha! Mwa ha ha!”
Comet’s right, Sam thought miserably. Thangaloids have no sense of humour. Things were looking bleak for the crew of the Jolly Apollo, but they were about to get a whole lot worse. Another laugh joined in with that of the Thangaloid king – and this one was horribly familiar.
“It can’t be,” said Sam.
But it was. As Sam and the crew watched in horror, the tall figure of Black-Hole Beard appeared from behind the throne.
Chapter Seven
TAX TIME
A malicious smile split Black-Hole Beard’s face like a sword wound and his yellowing teeth looked like crooked tombstones.
“Well said, Your Majesty,” Black-Hole Beard laughed.
“Black-Hole Beard?” said Comet.
“Observant as ever, Comet,” taunted the evil pirate.
“But… but…” stammered Comet.
“And as eloquent as ever, too,” the evil pirate mocked. “Let me explain before your tiny brain explodes. I came looking for you and ended up here. Unluckily for you, Slebus here and I are old friends.” Black-Hole Beard slapped the Thangaloid king on the back, making a wet squelching sound. “In fact, he used to be on my crew before he became king. Those were the days, eh, Slebby?” Black-Hole Beard gave a roaring laugh. The Thangaloid king didn’t even smile.
“So if you’ll give me the map, and you tell me how to get out of here,” Black-Hole Beard nodded towards the Thangaloid king, “I’ll be on my way.”
“That’s not fair!” Comet bleated.
“Cork your blow-hole, Comet!” barked Black-Hole Beard. “Not fair? You sound like a baby blubber worm – you’re an embarrassment to pirates everywhere.”
But the Thangaloid king was stroking his suckers thoughtfully. “True. All ships must pay the tax. I’m afraid you too must bring me the weight of Gravity’s Revenge in crab, my old friend.”
“What?” Black-Hole Beard yelled furiously.
The Thangaloid king stood up and his guards stepped closer, suckers bristling angrily.
The mean pirate stepped back and controlled himself. “Fine,” he said, through gritted teeth. “I’ll get you yer crab. But then you give me the map, and the directions.”
“Of course,” the Thangaloid king said with a steely glint in his eyes. “But crabs first. You will set sail tomorrow and have until the third chiming of the port bell to return.” The Thangaloid king waved them away. “Succeed and go free. Fail and die.”
Comet bowed to the king and turned to his crew. He was white as a sheet as he twisted his hat in his hands. Black-Hole Beard stormed past him.
“Ha! It’s not going to be as easy as you thought, Black-Hole Beard. Hope you like fishing!” Sam called after him.
Black-Hole Beard turned to him, his face twisted in an angry snarl. “I’ll get that map from you, you’ll see,” he spat. “After all, Comet won’t need it when he’s being sucked down a black hole.”
The crew bustled about the Jolly Apollo, readying it for the fishing trip, sorting out nets, buckets and anything else that could be used for catching crabs. Looking up from his work, Sam realised that the mists inside the nebula had thinned slightly. He nudged Pegg and Legg to let them know.
“Excellent,” said Legg. “That’ll make looking for them crabs a bit easier.”
“But it also means we get more of an eyeful of that,” grumbled Pegg.
He pointed over to where Gravity’s Revenge was moored. It towered over the Apollo and every other ship in the dock like a thundercloud before a storm. They seemed to be taking things surprisingly easy – apart from taunting the Apollo, that is. The Revenge’s crew hurled insults as they leaned over the rails of their ship.
“Look, a boat full of crab food! That’ll be handy.”
“Who’s your next captain goi
ng to be when Comet gets chucked down the hole?”
“Call that a knot, you useless sea slug? Me granny can tie better knots than that and she’s only got feet!”
“How come they’re not doing anything?” asked Vulpus, the red-furred Apollo crewmate.
“They must be up to something,” said Sam.
“They’re always up to something,” said Pegg.
“Yes, but what is it this time?” Sam wondered.
Even Black-Hole Beard got in on the act by shouting insults.
“Must be nice for you to see what a real pirate crew looks like, Comet,” he taunted.
Comet and the rest of the crew burned with anger and humiliation. Pegg’s face was bright red and Sam could hear the sound of his teeth grinding from across the deck.
“Just ignore them,” said Sam. He shouted up at the Revenge. “Hey, if you’re so great how come we’ve got a map to Planet X and you haven’t?”
“Not for long, you insolent shrimp,” Black-Hole Beard replied.
“We’ll see about that,” said Sam to the Apollo’s crew. “Look, we’ve got loads in our favour. Gravity’s Revenge is much heavier than the Apollo so they’ll have to catch more crabs. Secondly, we’ve got Barney.” Sam dropped his voice a little. “He may be a useless cook, but,” he raised his voice again, “he’s a top class fisherman – aren’t you, Barney?”
“Mmm-mm,” Barney agreed, his mouth stuffed full of crab that he’d caught earlier.
“By the craters of Zooton!” shouted Pegg. “We’ll never catch enough if that tentacled buffoon keeps eating them!”
The port bell rang, signalling the start of the day. Each ship had to be weighed first on a giant set of space scales by the side of the port. The trawler went first, their new captain looking even more nervous than Captain Comet.
Gravity’s Revenge was next. But before the ship moved on to the scales, it hovered in mid-space for a while. Suddenly boxes, barrels and sea chests were hurled over the side, followed swiftly by a number of crew members, too.
“What’s going on?” Sam asked.
“It’s Black-Hole Beard – he’s making his ship lighter,” said Piole.
“That’s terrible,” said Sam, aghast at Black-Hole Beard’s ruthlessness.
“That’s cheating!” said Legg.
“I could think of some useless weight I’d like to chuck overboard,” said Pegg, giving Barney an evil glare.
Once Gravity’s Revenge had flown away from the scales, it was the Jolly Apollo’s turn.
Sam watched in horror as the number showing their weight crept higher and higher.
“Erm, OK,” Sam gulped as they got their final reading. “Who’d have thought this old ship would weigh that much. But never mind, eh, Captain? Captain?”
The crew looked to Captain Comet for some stirring words, a small speech to inspire them, to encourage them to strive their hardest, to tackle the insurmountable odds, to fight the good fight. But Comet was staring at the scales with a frantic look on his face.
“We’re doomed,” Comet yelled. “DOOMED!”
Chapter Eight
MONSTER CRAB
The crew of the Apollo were used to hearing Captain Comet predict their imminent demise, but this time he seemed to have a point.
“How do we even find crabs?” asked Romero gloomily.
“Oh, that’s easy,” Barney replied. He was by far the happiest member of the crew – a whole day’s crab fishing was his idea of heaven. “The crabs live in burrows on the rocks and asteroids. All we need to do is look for rocks.”
“See, Captain, it’s quite straightforward, really,” said Sam, trying to spread the positive mood. Comet sat hunched up in the middle of the deck with his hat pulled down low and arms around his knees. “That’s easy for you to say, you’re not the one looking down the wrong end of a black hole,” he grumbled.
“But, Captain, the crew needs you,” Sam replied.
“OK, OK,” Comet muttered. “All hands on deck; eyes peeled for rocks.”
After drifting aimlessly around for a while there was a shout from the crow’s nest.
“Rocks ahoy – starboard side!”
The crew rushed to the side rails of the Apollo. Even though the rocks were shrouded in mist they could still see hundreds of crabs scuttling all over them. Comet visibly brightened at the sight.
“Get those nets ready, my boys – we’re going fishing!”
The Apollo drew up alongside the rocks and dropped the gravity anchor. There were thousands of crabs scuttling around on their little orange legs and popping up from their burrows.
“Now the key to successful crab fishing,” Barney whispered, “is to be very quiet and don’t make any sudden movements. Softly, softly, catchy crabby.”
The crew started to tip-toe around and readied their nets to cast them over the rails to catch the crabs. Every little noise brought a chorus of “Shhh!”.
KABOOM!
PARP PARP PARP!
WHOOO-WEEE WHOOO-WEEE!
Gravity’s Revenge broke from the mist with its horns and klaxons blaring and laser cannons firing. The sudden noise startled everyone, including the crabs, which scuttled for cover down their burrow holes in the rocks.
“Oh, great!” spat Comet. “Now we’ll have to wait for them to come out.”
“No chance of that,” Barney replied glumly. “Once they’ve been scared off they won’t be back for the rest of the day.”
“We’d better find somewhere new then,” said Sam.
“Look at them, laughing at us,” said Comet, as the Revenge pulled away.
“I don’t understand,” said Pegg. “Those scurvy dogs might be scaring away our crabs but they’re not fishing for any either.”
“So what are they up to?” said Legg.
“Look – that’s what!” said Sam.
He pointed ahead to where the Revenge had pulled up alongside a trawler. Black-Hole Beard and his crew were menacing the fisherman with laser cutlasses and muskets and forcing them to hand over their catch.
“That’s totally against the pirate code!” said Comet indignantly.
“I thought pirates were meant to pinch stuff,” asked Sam.
“Not fish,” said Comet. “Treasure, jewels, all that stuff. But fish? No, no, no. That’s just depriving a working man of his livelihood.”
“Even if it is against the code, it’s working,” said Sam. “We’d better find a new place to go fishing or we’re going to lose the map.”
“And more importantly – you’ll lose a captain!” cried Comet.
The good news for Comet was that they found another excellent fishing spot very quickly. There was no sign of Gravity’s Revenge either. The crew got their nets out and after a short while a large haul of crabs began to appear on deck. Comet leaned nonchalantly on the rails, watching the mountain of crab grow ever higher.
“Hah, me hearties, that’s the ticket! We’ll have this old ship stuffed to the gunwales!” he crowed. “All we need do is stay away from Black-Hole Beard.”
No sooner had Comet spoken than a large, dark shadow could be seen in the mist ahead of them.
“Oh you’ve got to be joking!” said Comet, slapping a hand to his head. “It’s Gravity’s Revenge! OK boys, try to hide as many of these crabs as you can before Black-Hole Beard pinches them.”
“It’s moving in a very strange way,” said Romero.
“He’s right, Captain,” Legg confirmed. “It seems to be going sideways.”
“Sideways? What manner of problem makes a ship travel sideways?” asked Comet.
Sam looked at the crabs scuttling around on deck, then at the huge shape looming out of the mist.
“Errr, I don’t think it’s the Revenge,” Sam gulped.
“Good, good,” said Comet.
“Actually, I don’t think it’s going to be very good either,” Sam said, pointing up at the great shape in horror. “Look!”
The mists slowly parted and the crew of the Apo
llo saw exactly what it was.
“The monster crab!” Comet gasped.
“Those trawlermen weren’t kidding,” said Sam, staring up in awe at the giant creature ahead of them. “It’s HUGE! It must be ten times bigger than the ship!”
The crab picked its way across the space rocks on its eight legs – each one thicker than the Apollo’s main mast. Its eyes waved on two short, squat stalks on the top of its shell. As the crew watched in horror, a mouth like a giant hydraulic crusher opened to show a black hole more terrifying than the sucking vortex next to the port. Most terrible of all were its claws – each one twice the size of a spaceship and ridged with fearsome points.
The monster stopped and waved its claws, as if tasting space with its pincers.
“I don’t think it’s seen us,” Sam breathed.
“Then let’s get out of here,” Comet whispered nervously. “Mr Piole, reverse thrust, if you please – gentle as she goes.”
The Apollo moved slowly backwards and the crab didn’t react.
“It’s working,” said Comet.
“Softly, softly, hide from crabby,” whispered Barney.
“No, look!” cried Sam.
Behind them, right in the direction the Jolly Apollo was going, sat Gravity’s Revenge, blocking the way, its laser cannons bristling.
“Look out!” shout Legg. “It’s going to shoot!”
KAWHOOSH!
The blast from the cannon streaked past the Apollo.
“He missed!” crowed Comet.
KABOOM!
The shot hit the crab full on the shell. The crab reared up angrily, snapping its pincers together.
“Uh-oh,” said Comet.
The Revenge fired up its rocket boosters and streaked away, leaving the Apollo to face the wrath of the crab alone. The monster crab loomed over the pirate ship. It raised its pincers, ready to crush the spaceship in its terrible claws.
