by Jim Ladd
“Quick!” squeaked Comet. “Full speed reverse!”
Piole hit the thrust lever but rather than firing the Apollo to safety, the boosters spluttered, backfired and died.
“I really must get those engines serviced,” mused Comet distractedly.
“Too late now, you great lummox,” shouted Pegg.
With a sound of crunching metal, the monster crab grabbed hold of the Jolly Apollo’s mast. As the ship tilted, Sam grabbed hold of the rail. Comet grabbed hold of Sam.
“I’m too good-looking to die,” he wailed.
The crab lifted the Apollo towards its terrible jaws. Its mouth was easily the size of three ships, the jagged edge of its mouth like a mountain range of doom.
“And I’m certainly too good-looking to die in something that smells like that!” Comet added, as the stench of the crab’s breath swept over the doomed ship.
With a sudden twitch of its pincer, the crab flicked the ship into its mouth and swallowed it whole.
Chapter Nine
KABOOM!
Sam felt his way across the pitch-black deck and found what he hoped was the right box. He had never experienced dark like this and he struggled not to panic. Maybe this was how my parents felt when they crashed? Shaking away the thought, he felt around inside the box until his fingers closed over what he prayed was the right tube. Taking it out, he pulled a tab and the emergency flare spluttered into life.
In the bright green glow of the flare Sam could see his fellow crewmates huddled in groups on the deck.
“Everyone OK?” he called.
There were muffled replies from around the ship.
“Where in the name of Starry Jones’ locker are we?” asked Comet.
Sam held the flare as high as he could. The greenish light showed them to be in a large, cavern-like hole. The Apollo was floating in what looked like dirty water.
“Are we in a cave?” asked Barney.
“Of course we’re not, you leggy nincompoop!” snapped Pegg.
“The crab’s gobbled us up,” explained Legg.
“I’ve been eaten by lunch!” wailed Barney.
“Do not fear, my boys,” cried Comet. “I’ve been eaten many times by various animals: a striped Thangor on Ulan Mantor, a Jumblesnitch on Excrea 3, and even by a Grimbled Slime Toad in the Baloogan Marshes…”
The crew pulled a face at the last one.
“But I have always survived.”
“How?” asked Barney.
“Generally the animal got terrible indigestion and died,” said Comet.
“So your plan is to wait for the crab to get indigestion and die, then try to get out?” said Pegg.
“Erm, basically, yes,” Comet replied.
“I don’t think we’ve got time for that,” said Sam. “Look.”
He pointed down over the side of the ship. There was a hissing sound and the water next to the hull was bubbling.
“It looks like the water’s melting the bottom of the ship,” he explained.
“I don’t think that’s water,” said Legg. “If we’re inside a crab then that must be its stomach acid!”
“That makes sense,” said Barney. “Crabs can eat anything, so their digestive juices must be really acidic.”
“Do they get indigestion?” asked Comet hopefully.
“No, now you mention it, I don’t think they do,” Barney replied.
“Great! We don’t even have the captain’s useless plan to fall back on,” grumbled Pegg. “All that’s left is to wait here until we dissolve.”
“We might not have to wait for that,” said Legg brightly.
“Really?” asked Comet, hope flickering again.
“I think they might get us first,” replied Legg, pointing upwards to where what looked like stalactites hung from the inside of the crab’s stomach. “Those are its stomach teeth – they’ll probably grind us before we dissolve.”
“Oh well, that’s that then,” sighed Comet.
“No!” said Sam. “I haven’t been with you lot for long, but already I’ve found the best friends I’ve ever had, and been on adventures I could only dream about before. Sure, you’re useless pirates but who else can say that they’ve dodged grumigators and outwitted Black-Hole Beard? And we did that together, as a team. I’m not going to let that go without a fight. I owe that to my parents and we owe it to each other. Let’s show this oversized crustacean who’s boss!”
“Aye, aye!” cheered the crew.
Sam’s flare went out.
“Oh,” said the crew.
Sam fumbled for another flare and lit it.
“Aye, aye!” cheered the crew.
“So, do you have a plan?” whispered Comet.
“All I’ve got in my head is an old story my mum used to read me when I was younger,” said Sam.
“Sam, I don’t think this is the right time for a bedtime story,” said Comet.
“Listen,” said Sam, “it was about a man who was swallowed by a whale. He got free by lighting a fire inside the whale’s stomach. The smoke made the whale cough him out, or something like that. I thought if we set off the rocket boosters it might do something similar.”
“Just what I was thinking!” exclaimed Comet. “Mr Piole, do you think we can get those boosters working this time?”
“Aye, aye, sir,” said Piole, setting the controls.
“Brace yourselves, me hearties,” shouted Comet. “We’re firing our way out of here. No crab stops Captain Joseph Hercules Invictus Comet! Full engine power, Mr Piole!”
Whuh-whuh-whuh-whuh, went the Apollo’s engines as they failed to start properly. Whuh-whuh-whuh.
“Typical,” Comet muttered. “Why can’t those blas—”
WHOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSHHHHHHH!
The engines roared into life, the noise deafening in the crab’s echoing stomach. The crew fell to the deck, clutching their ears. It was loud, but there wasn’t any smoke.
“I don’t think it’s working,” Sam cried above the noise.
Comet laid a sympathetic hand on Sam’s arm. “Don’t worry, Sam – it was a nice try!”
Their only real plan had failed.
Suddenly, everything began to shake. The crab’s stomach acid jumped up and down like a stormy sea, and the ship was thrown from side to side. Sam grabbed hold of the main mast as a great rumble echoed around the cavern.
“Hold on tight!” Comet yelled. “She’s gonna blow!”
Chapter Ten
GONE FISHING!
When Sam opened his eyes he was amazed to discover that he was still alive and still aboard the Jolly Apollo. Not only that, the rest of the crew was still there, too. It seemed much brighter – then Sam realised that was because the crab had disappeared. He sat up and gave his head a rub. A shower of white lumps fell on to his lap. He picked a piece up and sniffed it. It smelled of crab. He touched a bit with the end of his tongue. It tasted of crab. It was crab.
“Well, it’s not quite what I had in mind,” said Comet, slapping Sam on the back and plonking himself on the deck next to him. He was flecked with bits of crab too. “But it was very effective. Though Neptune knows how I’m going to get the mess out of this coat. Galvonian velvet is extremely difficult to clean.”
“What happened?” asked Sam.
“I’m a bit hazy on the details myself,” Comet admitted. “One moment the rocket boosters were firing away, next there was a big explosion and then the crab was in tiny pieces. And big pieces.”
Comet waved airily at the space around the Apollo, which was filled with bits of exploded crab. Sam stared in wonder at the lumps, some as big as he was. Somehow the giant crab shell had survived the explosion, and was bumping from asteroid to asteroid.
“Basically,” Comet continued, “big bangy, bye bye crabby.”
“Gas,” said the pirate called Jonjarama. He was notorious on the Apollo as the pirate with the worst wind. You didn’t want to be trapped in a small space with Jonjarama after he’d been eating beans.
“Gas,” Jonjarama repeated. “I reckons the crab had bad gas. It was probably his guts reacting badly to trying to digest the Apollo. I reckons it gave him gas and when the boosters were going the flames lit the gas and he exploded.” Jonjarama did his own bum explosion for emphasis.
“Wow!” said Sam.
“So basically, what you’re saying is he got chronic indigestion! Ha! See? My plan worked! He got indigestion and died and now we’re free,” said Comet proudly. He stood up and dusted himself down. “Right, me hearties, no need to thank me – we’ve got fishing to do. Now, did we manage to hide any of those crabs we caught?”
“Well, there’s good news and bad news on that score, Cap’n,” said Vulpus.
“And the good news is?” asked Comet.
“We managed to hide all the crabs we caught in the hold,” Vulpus replied.
“Excellent! And the bad news?”
“The crab’s stomach acid has rotted the bottom of the ship away and they’ve all fallen out.”
“So you’re telling me we don’t have any crabs left?” asked Comet.
“One,” said Vulpus. “We have one left.”
Burp!
Everyone turned to see Barney dabbing his mouth with a napkin.
“Sorry,” said Barney.
“It’s all right, Barney, it’s just wind,” said Comet.
“No, sorry I… err… ate the last crab,” replied Barney.
“Great, just great,” said Comet, slapping his hand to his head. “How much time do we have left?” He fished the pocket watch out of his jacket and frantically checked all three of the times. “Quake me cutlass! We’re nearly out of time! There’s no way we can catch enough crab!” He started to pace the deck in a panic.
“I’m going to be thrown down a black hole. I’ll be stretched like a Boolian Drango Hound! It’s the end of Joseph Hercules Invictus Comet – pirate captain, adventurer and man of the people. Cast away forever, and all because of some measly crabs.”
The crew tried to console him – all apart from Sam who was standing by the Apollo’s rail looking out into space.
“Hold on a minute,” said Sam. “We have to get the weight of the ship in crabs, right?”
Barney nodded.
“But no one said it had to be whole crabs,” Sam grinned, pointing at the bits of crab floating past.
A slow grin spread over Barney’s face as he looked at the white chunks bobbing all around them. “You mean…”
Sam picked up a net and hooked a nearby piece of crab out of the sky. “Come on – let’s go fishing!”
As the third bell sounded at the Thangaloid port, Captain Comet and Sam were already waiting on the dockside. Gravity’s Revenge was berthed in the dock nearby. From the way crabs were piled high on the decks and falling from the gun ports, Sam guessed that their tactic of stealing other ship’s catches had worked.
Black-Hole Beard sauntered along the dock to Comet and Sam with a smug expression on his face. He looked around with exaggerated effort.
“I can’t see the Apollo anywhere, Comet – don’t tell me you’ve managed to lose your ship as well as the map,” he mocked.
Before anyone could answer, the Thangaloid king was brought to the side of the dock, his throne carried by four even stickier sweating Thangaloid warriors.
“The appointed hour has arrived,” the king bellowed. “I hope for your own sakes that you have been successful! The black hole is always hungry for those who displease me.” The king wiped a fleck of spit from his blubbery lips and looked pleased with himself.
“Let the weighing begin!” he called.
Gravity’s Revenge was first. Black-Hole Beard grinned broadly as his first mate, Yarr, piloted the Revenge on to the scales.
“Sorry, Joseph, I hope I didn’t scare your crabs away,” he laughed. “Did you manage to catch any?”
“Cawr, couldn’t catch a cold, couldn’t catch a cold,” squawked Baggot.
Comet and Sam looked on speechlessly as the Revenge was weighed. Black-Hole Beard’s ship tipped the scales at double the weight they were before. The Revenge’s crew cheered.
“There you go, Slebby, me old shipmate.” Black-Hole Beard went to clap the Thangaloid king on the back, then seemed to think better of it. “I’ve brought ye the crab, now you keep your side of the deal. Their map, your directions.”
“Best wait until the weighing’s over, don’t you think?” replied Comet.
“You!” barked the Thangaloid king. “Do you have your ship?”
“Yes, Your Majesty,” Comet replied. “It’s moored behind that asteroid over there.”
“Bring it to the scales!” ordered the king. “Let me see if your ship has enough crabs, or whether it needs a new captain.”
“Of course, Your Majesty,” Comet replied with a low bow. “If you would be so good, Sam, as to summon the Apollo, please.”
Sam fired a flare high over the dock – the sign Pegg and Legg had been waiting for. They lifted anchor and slowly started to sail out from behind the asteroid.
“How many crabs did you get anyway, Comet? I bet you’ve got less than one hundred,” Black-Hole Beard sneered.
“You’re right,” Comet replied. “In fact, we’ve just got one.”
“One?” Black-Hole Beard exploded. “By the suns of Steperton Seven, you’re even more useless than I thought!”
“You think?” Comet replied confidently, looking up at the Apollo.
As it edged into view, it was clear it was carrying something heavy. Slowly the Apollo revealed its secret – the monster crab shell, piled high with bits of crab. The crew had fished all the chunks of crab out of the sky, and Barney had even sprinkled some parsley on top.
They reached the scales, which showed that the stuffed crab shell was more than twice the weight of the pirate ship. Comet smiled the smile of someone who had cheated certain death once again.
Sam was just relieved that Black-Hole Beard wasn’t going to take the map after all.
“Nice work, Sam!” said Legg, pushing a foamy tankard of grum into his hand.
“Yeah, I suppose that wasn’t bad,” agreed Pegg as enthusiastically as he could.
“Three cheers for Sam!” shouted Piole.
“No,” said Sam. “Three cheers for the Jolly Apollo!”
The cheers rang out from the Apollo and the trawler.
Across the dock, Captain Black-Hole Beard tore at his beard in rage and stormed around the dock, kicking crates of fish and hurling barrels into space.
“By the infernal holes of Julius Five!” he bellowed. “I’ll get you for this!”
Chapter Eleven
ESCAPE
Captain Comet swaggered over to the Thangaloid king. He whipped the hat from his head and bowed extravagantly.
“Your Majesty,” said Comet, “we have satisfied your terms and brought you your crab. I trust we are free to go?”
“You can’t just let them leave!” Black-Hole Beard stormed. “We had a deal! Ye were on my crew!”
The Thangaloid king laughed. “And I learnt a lot from you, Blacky. Including the fact that deals can be renegotiated – especially if you no longer like the terms.”
“What?” the evil pirate exploded. “You double-crossing, sucker-faced slime ball! No one cheats Black-Hole Beard and gets away with it!”
“Guards, take him away.” The Thangaloid waved his hand lazily. “This Black-Hole Beard is for the black hole.”
Two burly Thangaloid guards grabbed the Gravity’s captain and hauled him away.
“And as for you…” the Thangaloid king said, turning to Comet with a steely stare.
“Your Majesty,” said Sam, stepping forwards. “If I may humbly offer you some advice. Do you know who you are addressing? This is the captain who defeated the great crab monster of the nebula – turned a demon into dinner – a captain known across the galaxies for his daring and prowess.”
This was all the introducti
on Captain Comet needed. If he was talented at anything, it was exaggerating.
“Indeed, I have battled with gas giants, wrestled with Gimbal gnomes and fought the Five Furies of Floximia Minor! So do not talk to me about renegotiating deals or I’ll show you what Captain Joseph Hercules Invictus Comet does when he is angry.”
He pointed at the giant crab shell for emphasis.
“You speak well, Captain Comet,” the king said, wiping the slime from his head thoughtfully. “And Thangaloids like a man who has proved himself. You are free to go. Come to me and I shall reveal the secret of how to escape the nebula.”
Comet stepped up to the throne and the king leaned down and whispered into his ear.
“You mean, that’s it?” said Comet. “That’s how you get out?”
“It’s simple but effective,” shrugged the king.
“And could you tell us the way to the Corkscrew Galaxy? It’s where we’re headed next,” said Sam.
“Don’t push your luck,” snapped the king, “or we’ll see how true those tall tales of yours actually are.” He turned to his guards. “Escort them back to their ship.”
“Shouldn’t we do something about Black-Hole Beard?” Sam whispered to Comet. “I mean, isn’t it the pirate code or something?”
“Yes it is,” Comet replied, “but I reckon that the Thangaloids are more likely to end up in that hole rather than Black-Hole Beard. Now come on, we’d better haul anchor ourselves before the king changes his mind about us leaving port.”
Comet and his crew headed back to the Apollo as quickly as decency would allow. Without further ado they cast off and sailed away from the Thangaloid dock.
