Deep Water

by West, Sinden

  “Don’t worry about it,” I said, even managing to make my lips form a smile.

  The mother matched my smile. “The only person she ever sees naked is me, and, well, let’s just say that you certainly can’t see my ribs anymore.” Then she frowned. “If you ever could for that matter.”

  I turned away from them and vowed never to have kids.

  I didn’t know why I went to the Hargreaves Street house, or what I had planned. But when I saw Joseph’s car parked outside, I pulled my car over to the side of the road. I just sat there, and he finally came out. He was shirtless, and he was holding a piece of wood which he went and tossed into a pile of rubbish. He looked good, and I gritted my teeth, pissed at myself for admiring him.

  I put my hand on the key and got ready to drive off, but he spotted me, his body straightened and he waved hesitantly. I swallowed and got out of the car. I walked into the front yard where he waited, not even knowing why I was there.

  He spoke first. “Hey.”

  “Hey.”

  “You’ve been swimming? Did you go to the lake?”

  I tucked a strand of still wet hair behind my ear. “No. The pools.”

  There was a moment of silence before he took a deep breath. “I’d kinda hoped that you’d turn up at the lake this morning.”

  My lips twisted a little. “I’m kind of over the lake,” I said, my raspy voice betraying my hurt.

  He tilted his head as he studied me, he looked pained. “Listen, Jessica. About last night–”

  “Did you fuck her last night as well?” My heart was beating fast.

  He looked me straight in the eye. “No.”

  I exhaled, relieved. Why, I didn’t know, because it didn’t really make a difference. I nodded and turned to go.

  “Wait.” He took my hand. “You came all the way here. At least sit down and talk to me. Please?”

  I let him lead me to the porch, and we sat side by side, not touching.

  “It’s not what you think with Katrin and me.”

  My hopes rose. “You didn’t sleep with her?” My mouth half-formed a smile as I waited for him to answer.

  He grimaced. “No, I–I did sleep with her.”

  “Oh.” I hugged my knees close to my chest, not sure why I wasn’t just getting up and going.

  He took a breath and released it. “Listen. I’ve known Katrin a long time. She lives in my street, and her home life is…similar to mine. I guess we’ve always connected through that. We started having sex when we were both thirteen. It’s always been like a comfort thing, you know?” I didn’t know, but I stayed silent. “It’s never been romantic, or a relationship. Nothing like that. It’s just something that we do together and it’s fun. No one gets hurt. It’s like a release.”

  I watched him, and his eyes flicked to mine quickly before looking away. “We were still screwing when I first started to go after you. And even when we were hooking up at first, yeah, I kept at it with her.”

  I struggled to take a breath and lowered my face down, so I didn’t have to look at him anymore. He cleared his throat and continued.

  “I didn’t think of it really as cheating because it was just such a physical thing…and it was a habit. I honestly didn’t even think about it like I was doing anything wrong. But then I could tell that you were starting to get more into me. I thought you were really starting to like me as much as I liked you. That’s when I called it off, a few weeks ago. I didn’t want to do anything to screw up what we were doing while it lasted.”

  “A few weeks ago? So when we were making out all that time, you’d get all horny with me and then go and finish with her? I thought I was your girlfriend.” Actually, I’d thought I was more than even that. I’d thought what we had was deeper than the superficiality of everyone else’s relationships.

  His eyes widened at my outburst. “Did you? Really?” He looked away from me for a moment and sucked in a breath like he was trying to keep his composure. “I always thought what we were doing was just like a summer fling or something for you. That it would end as soon as your parents found out.”

  I dug my nails into my knees. “It wasn’t,” I said tightly.

  His lips flickered up into a smile. “Then, uh, maybe we could start over. You know, clean slate. I really like you, Jessica. And I know you feel the same way about me. I mean you would have let me have sex with you last night. That speaks for itself.” He reached for me, but I shoved him away, getting to my feet. “Jessica…”

  “No.”

  I strode off toward my car without a backward glance.

  Chapter Fourteen

  My parents sat me down in a calm fashion to explain that they were getting divorced. Mom was moving in with Terrence Teller. She was in love apparently, and her marriage had been dead for years. Dad sat in his chair stiffly as she explained this to me. I saw his jaw clench as my mother beamed with happiness.

  The house would be sold, and I would live with Mom in Mr. Teller’s lakeshore palace. Dad was getting an apartment, and I could stay there on the weekends. I listened, calm and still, as all of this was explained to me.

  I couldn’t help myself. “Does Mr. Teller know how crazy you are?”

  My mother made a movement like I had slapped her, and a smile flickered across Dad’s face.

  “He knows. He’s been fucking her for a few years now.” For the first time, I realized that my Dad was drunk. Usually, I associated the fumes of alcohol with her, but now, for this meeting, it was him.

  My mother lifted her head and raised herself, so her back was straight. “I think we’ve discussed this enough for one day. It’s a very emotional time. I’m going to Terrence’s tonight. I don’t want to make this more trying on your Dad than it has been already.”

  For the first time, I laughed. “He’s not my Dad, remember? He’s just the guy you convinced to love and support you to get you out of a bind.” I never knew I could sneer like that.

  She looked at me coldly as she stood, tall in her stilettos. “You may stay here until the house is sold, Jessie. But then you’re coming with me.” Her craziness was gone, replaced instead with an icy, calculating persona. I wondered how long she could keep it up with Teller.

  She closed the door quietly behind her. Everything she wanted to take with her must have already been loaded into her car. Dad gave a bitter laugh then he headed for his office and closed the door. I knew there was a collection of liquor in there. I guess he’d be getting completely obliterated tonight. I hoped he didn’t cry.

  School had been back for a couple of months. The air was cold now, and there certainly was no more hanging out at the lake or swimming. I dressed warmly, never seeming to be able to get that chill from my bones despite the tights and woolen skirts. Even when I wore jeans, I still felt cold all the time.

  It was so easy to ignore Joseph. We had just one class together, and in that he sat at the back with the stoners and their marijuana scent, while I sat in the mixture of hairspray and perfume that my friends provided. Same as at lunch, I sat with my group while he sat with his. There was never a text message from him, never any attempt at communication from him. That just scalded my ego all the more.

  After my mother had absconded to her lover’s house and my father into his office for a night of getting drunk, I went to a party with the aim of getting well and truly trashed. It seemed the best way to deal with things.

  I stole the vodka that she hadn’t thought to take with her. I placed that alongside a bottle of diet coke into my bag before Eve walked to my house so we would go together. With a stony face, I’d told her my parents were splitting up. She hadn’t seemed surprised and just hugged me.

  “At least your Mom hooked up with someone rich,” she offered in comfort. “It could be worse.”

  She was right. I hooked arms with her, and we walked together to Lena’s house. Ewan was holding court with a bunch of our friends in the games room. He waved at me, and I’d waved back before finding a paper cup and pouring m
yself a drink. Ewan liked me. I knew it, but he’d never made a move since that horrible night, which was probably for the best since I couldn’t get stupid, cheating Joseph out of my head.

  I clumsily poured a drink for Eve as well, and then we collapsed down on a couch and set about getting well and truly drunk. It didn’t take much, and soon I was giggling and happy and uninhibited. I had to use the wall for support as I made my way to the bathroom. I bumped into a few people on the way, but no one seemed to mind. I started to feel sick in the bathroom, and dry heaved over the toilet for a bit, but nothing came out.

  Air. I needed air.

  I knew Lena’s parents’ bedroom had a small balcony on it and that it was just up the hall, so that was where I headed. The room was empty, and I stumbled out through the French doors to sit on the floor of the balcony. A welcome cool breeze rushed onto my face, and I instantly felt better as I leaned against the wall of the house. I blinked several times in an attempt to stop the world from spinning. Finally, I just settled for closing my eyes because it made everything still.

  I laughed at myself for being so ridiculously drunk.

  “Are you going to be sick?” a familiar voice asked, and for a moment I thought that I was hallucinating.

  But when I opened my eyes, I saw that it was Joseph crouching down beside me.

  I shook my head. “No, I’m good.”

  “You’re wasted.”

  “I’m good,” I repeated.

  “Whatever you say.” He sat beside me, leaning against the wall as he drank his beer. I managed to coordinate my actions enough to take it from his grasp. I lifted it to my lips and took a long, cool drink. It felt nice in comparison to all the vodka I’d consumed that night. I passed it back to him, and he took it, wordlessly.

  We sat in silence for a while, and I kept opening and closing my eyes in the hope that the world would stop spinning. I felt his arm go around my waist.

  “I could take you home if you wanted me to.”

  I laughed. “I don’t want to fuck you.” The arm disappeared, and I kept on laughing. “You’re such a loser. A cheating, druggie, loser. What would I want with someone like you?” My laughter continued, but I didn’t even recognize it. Who had I become?

  I heard him move beside me. “You’re just a spoiled, anorexic bitch. You’re disgusting.” My eyes snapped open at the venom in his words. His fingers reached out and went under my top, pinching at my skin. “I can feel your fucking ribcage. You think that’s normal?”

  My hands reached out and shoved him away before I struggled to my feet. It was hard, and I kept losing my balance until his arms reached out and held onto me. “I’m not anorexic. I’m careful! And you don’t think I’m disgusting. You fucking want me.”

  I tried to kiss him, pressing my lips against his in a fumbling, unattractive way. I didn’t even care that he didn’t kiss back at first. I persisted, spurred on by a drunken confidence. And then his lips and tongue cooperated, as his hands reached down to grab my ass and press me to him.

  My hands found their way to feel every curve of his body, creeping underneath to touch his skin and trace the muscle that I remembered and dreamed about. We made our way inside, kissing and feeling each other up. I pushed him down on the bed and worked on getting his jacket off before pushing up the t-shirt he wore underneath. Chest exposed, I sat on top of him, lowering my mouth back onto him and not resisting when he started to hike up my skirt.

  I was flipped over onto my back, so he was above me. My top was gone, but I still wore my bra. My skirt was bunched up around my waist, and Joseph was working on getting my panties down. All the while his mouth was on mine, bringing back wonderful memories of before. I closed my eyes, remembering us at the lake, swimming and touching, and everything seemed perfect.

  “Are you sure?” he whispered.

  I just kissed him in response as I felt his fingers touch me between the legs as he played with me and kissed me. I couldn’t think straight with the sensations ripping through my body and the drunken haze I seemed to be stuck in. Then he pressed into me, slowly, but it still hurt and my breath caught in my throat. A hand was tangled in my hair, and his eyes were closed, he’d stopped kissing me now as he just concentrated on moving in and out of me.

  It hurt so badly, and I bit my lip violently to keep from crying out. I shook with pain, but maybe he thought it was ecstasy because he seemed spurred on by it, picking up the pace as I imagined him rubbing my insides into a raw and bloodied mess. Silent tears began to slide down my face as I inwardly prayed for this torture to end. I tasted blood in my mouth from my teeth embedded in my lip. Eyes still closed, he bent his face down to mine and nuzzled against me as he shook and gasped. Then he stopped moving, letting out a sigh before he smiled. His eyes opened, heavy-lidded and drunk, but then they widened as he took in my tear stained face and bloodied lip.

  He moved off me quickly, gripping the condom as he withdrew from me. I hadn’t even known that there was a condom somewhere amidst all the lust, and this one was red. I sat up, hugging my knees to my chest. My legs looked so thin and frail, especially with the smeared blood between my thighs. I reached down to touch it, transferring the red onto my fingertips and my breath caught in horror at its sight.

  “Oh,” I breathed, staring at my fingers, as fresh tears started to roll down my face.

  Joseph sat beside me; the condom had disappeared somewhere, and he had a towel in his hand. It was warm and wet as he wiped my fingers with it.

  “It’s normal to bleed the first time,” he said, almost nervously. He took the towel and wiped between my legs. “I’m sorry I hurt you, but it won’t hurt like that next time. I promise.” Then he sat up with me against the headboard and pulled me into his arms. I let him, stunned at what we’d just done and feeling uncomfortably sober all of a sudden.

  “Please stop crying,” he said quietly as my head rested on his chest, but I couldn’t help it.

  “My parents are getting a divorce,” I told him between sobs.

  He rubbed his hand along my arm. “Sorry,” he whispered into my hair.

  “I have to live my Mom and her new boyfriend, who’s my Dad’s boss. Isn’t that fucked up?” I was shaking and pressed harder against him for support.

  “Yeah.”

  There was a moment of silence, and then I said, “I can’t believe that I just had sex.” My voice was shaky as well. I clutched onto him with my hands; my fingers must have been digging into his arm, but he didn’t even flinch. “This wasn’t how I imagined it would be. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. It was supposed to be nice.” I felt him go rigid. “I wasn’t supposed to be drunk at a party. I wasn’t supposed to have sex because I was angry and sad and just needed…I don’t know what I needed,” I ended despondently, my head buried in his chest now.

  Neither of us spoke for a long while, then Joseph interrupted the silence, shifting away from me and making it so I leaned against only the headboard.

  “I’ve gotta get going,” he said as he searched for his clothes, not meeting my eyes as he started getting dressed.

  “What? You’re just going. After what we did?” I hugged myself. He paused in his actions, holding his t-shirt in his hands as he stared at the ground. I saw his chest move up and down as he took shallow breaths. Finally, he looked at me.

  “What do you want me to do, Jessica? You basically just told me that this whole thing was just one giant mistake.”

  I realized how what I’d said must have sounded to him. “I didn’t mean you. I didn’t mean that you were a mistake,” I said, quietly.

  He watched me, before speaking. “I’m sorry I hurt you. I wish I’d been gentler, I just got carried away. I don’t regret what we just did. I’m glad I got to be your first. It’s what I’ve wanted for years.” Then he pulled his t-shirt over his head and grabbed his jacket. “I’ll see you ‘round.”

  He closed the door behind him.

  I sat there staring at that door for a few moments before I s
tarted to move as well. I gathered my clothes up and put them on my body like a protective layering. I texted Eve goodbye and walked home alone.

  The only light that burned was in Dad’s office. I poked my head around the door and saw him asleep in his chair. An empty bourbon bottle sat on his desk. I just turned off the light and closed the door on him.

  I took a long shower and watched the blood wash from me.

  Chapter Fifteen

  I slept late, not as late as my Dad, though. At some stage, he had left his office and made his way to his bedroom. The door stayed shut, I heard occasional noises from his room and thought about offering to get him something to eat. But I didn’t want to face him, I didn’t want to see his hurt; I had enough of my own. As the afternoon stretched on, and the blood between my legs had subsided to nearly nothing, I got in my car.

  I headed to the Hargreaves Street house, but it was locked up tight with no sign of activity. So instead, I headed for Joseph’s home. I had been there once when I’d dropped him off after his car wouldn’t start. He hadn’t invited me inside then, and there had never been an invitation later. I had never invited him into my house either…

  It was in an area of low-cost housing, filled with identical box-like dwellings. The only points of difference were the colors of peeling paint, and some had chain link fences erected. In a few, people had made efforts through sad gatherings of marigolds but they tended to be overwhelmed by the neglected grass that out grew everything.

  Joseph’s house didn’t even have the marigolds. It had a cracked path leading up to a splintered front door, and this is what I walked up when I finally got up the nerve to get out of my car. I knocked on the door, and I heard footsteps inside. I took a deep breath as I prepared myself to face Joseph.

  But it wasn’t him that opened the door. The woman was older and pretty, even though she looked tired. She looked at me inquisitively for a moment before giving a small smile and asking, “Can I help you?”

  I was taken aback at first. Joseph always seemed so independent and aloof; it was hard to think of him living with people.