Deep Water

by West, Sinden

  He grinned at me. “You’re great, you know that?”

  “Yes,” I replied shortly.

  He took my hands, rubbing his thumb along my skin. “She’s having a really tough time at the moment. She’s always been there for me. I can’t just turn my back on her.”

  I softened. “Of course not. You’re a good, loyal friend. That’s one of the things that I like about you.” I looked at the clock and sighed. “Anyway, they’re having a party here tonight so I better start getting ready. You could come back for that?” I asked hopefully.

  “I don’t really think that I’d fit in, Jessica.”

  Fair enough. “Okay. Will I see you at the swimming pools tomorrow morning?”

  “Sure thing, babe.” He gave me a quick kiss before leaving, and I just lay on my bed, trying not to feel jealous. Not for the first time, I contemplated having sex with him again. Maybe if I did, he wouldn’t feel tempted if evil Katrin tried to seduce him. Although, Katrin wasn’t really evil; more sad…and maybe a little pathetic. Then I shook my head to try and clear it of the nasty thoughts in my head.

  Joseph wouldn’t do that to me, and he had said that he was happy to wait for when I was ready to have sex again. No pressure.

  Mom had bought me a dress for tonight and I hated it. It was white with a blue sash around the middle, it reminded me of Alice in Wonderland and not for the first time did I wonder about her trying to make me look younger than I was. Now, more than ever was she obsessed with her own aging. Botox and facials took up a lot of her time. It would be no surprise if she found it hard to deal with the fact that she had a daughter my age.

  But I would wear the dress for her. I couldn’t risk her acting crazy. After all, if Terrence found out what she was like and kicked us out, I doubted Dad would take her back.

  We had to stand together like we were a family and greet the guests. Terrence looked nice in his suit, but my mom looked stunning as usual. I, on the other hand, faded into the background; washed out by my white dress and nearly blending into the white marble tiles.

  I was glad to see Ewan, who had arrived sullenly trailing his parents. There was a huge party at Nick’s lake house, and he was probably just as pissed as I was at having to attend this boring thing. His face brightened as he gave me a hug in greeting. I hadn’t had a lot to do with him lately, as all my time was taken up by school and Joseph.

  “Give me twenty minutes,” he whispered in my ear. “And I’ll meet you down by the water with a bottle of whatever I can steal.”

  I grinned in response. “It’s a plan.”

  I greeted a whole lot of boring adults who wanted to suck up to Terrence before I managed to steal up to my bedroom to get something warm to wear. I grabbed a top of Joseph’s that he’d left behind and pulled it over my sucky dress. It smelled like him, of cigarettes and that wonderful something else which I could never properly decipher. Maybe it was the scent of love, I mused romantically, before laughing at how pathetic I was.

  Ewan was waiting for me. Sitting on the bench and filling two flutes. His eyes surveyed me.

  “I liked just the dress better,” he said, commenting on the addition of Joseph’s top.

  “This dress sucks. I look like a five-year-old in it.”

  “And now you look like a homeless person.”

  I whacked him lightly on the arm. “Shut up. I like it. It’s Joseph’s.”

  “Yeah, I figured that.” He passed me a flute and we clinked them together. “Cheers.”

  “You don’t like him much, do you?” I asked after taking the first sip.

  “He’s not really in my…stratosphere to have an opinion about him. I think he’s kind of a loser. But I don’t get what you see in him.”

  I let out a breath. “Well, he’s definitely not a loser. He’s sweet and kind, and really clever too. He has all these ideas and things he wants to do in the future–”

  “Okay. Enough! Sorry I asked. You sound all soppy when you talk about him.”

  I shrugged and smiled. “I can’t help it. It’s just the way he makes me feel

  He looked at me warily. “Okay. But I think you’re heading for trouble hanging out with him.”

  I straightened my back. “Don’t be such a snob. He’s not how you think he is.”

  “Sorry, sorry. Just be careful. Okay?” He gave me a look that was filled with such kindness and concern that it was hard to stay mad at him.

  “Okay.” I drained my drink.

  Chapter Eighteen

  My birthday came, and there was no more mention of a boob job. I didn’t mind, though. Joseph made me feel gorgeous in the way he seemed to covet every inch of my body. We had gotten carried away a few times and clothes had been removed in a lustful haste. But we always seemed to remember ourselves in time.

  “When?” Joseph would ask when we were both fully dressed again and cooled off.

  “Soon,” I’d say. The truth was that I wanted it to stay like this forever. It seemed more innocent and uncomplicated to not have sex involved. It made me feel like he really did love me because he was willing to go without at my request. It made me feel in control.

  Joseph took me out to dinner for my eighteenth birthday. We both dressed up like we were adults, and he opened doors for me and even pulled out my chair. It felt like we were playing at being grownups and we both erupted into fits of giggles at how snooty the wait staff was.

  “You’re going to order more than salad, aren’t you? I mean it’s your birthday. You can have something nice.” There was hope in his voice. The closest that we had ever come to fighting was about food. I think that I had finally got it into his head that I didn’t have an eating disorder, I just liked to control my calorie intake and not stuff myself full of fatty foods.

  To appease him, I ordered a piece of grilled fish and he smiled happily at that. Graduation was coming up, and after that, Joseph was going to work for his boss full time doing up houses. I was supposed to go off to college, but the thought of leaving Joseph made me feel sick. I was seriously contemplating taking a year to stay here and work. Mom said the choice was mine, but Dad had thrown a fit over the phone at me. He and Anna had started up a bed and breakfast on the other side of the country and I wasn’t seeing much of him anymore. And I didn’t really want to since he didn’t respect my decisions.

  Katrin was another thorn in my side. We were polite to each other, but I knew how she felt about Joseph. He obviously didn’t see it, but she was hopelessly enamored of him. I could tell by the way she looked at him when he wasn’t watching. I kept my mouth shut, though. He didn’t like to hear any criticism of her and I didn’t want to cause any conflict between us.

  The night of my birthday, Ewan’s parents died. Their car took a corner too fast and Mr. Walsh must have overcorrected, sending their vehicle plunging down a bank and compacting the metal into something unrecognizable. Mom called me just as we were leaving the restaurant. She was busy doing god knows what and wanted me to go see Ewan, after all, she and Mrs. Walsh had been frenemies.

  I got Joseph to drop me off, but he wasn’t happy about it. “Why do you have to go? Are you two even that close?”

  “He’s my friend, you know that. You’d do the same for Katrin…”

  He frowned as he watched me. “That’s different. Katrin and I–”

  “I know. I know.” I rolled my eyes. “You and Katrin have a special bond blah, blah, blah.” I hadn’t meant for it to sound as bitchy as it did, and immediately I felt stupid. “Sorry,” I said in a quiet voice as I undid my seatbelt. “Look, thanks for dinner. I’m sorry our night had to end like this.” I gave him a quick kiss on the cheek.

  He gave a sigh. “It’s okay. You should go be with your friend. Do you want to call me to come pick you up later?”

  I shook my head. “No. I’ll make my own way. Love you.” I opened the door.

  “I love you too, Jessica.”

  Mrs. Walsh’s sister greeted me at the door, her eyes were red-rimmed. “He’s
drinking! Teenage boys shouldn’t be drinking!”

  “He’s upset. Just let him be for a while.”

  She nodded. “I wish there was something I could do…”

  “Look, why don’t you go to bed. I’ll take care of him and make sure he doesn’t get too drunk.”

  She nodded. “All right. Today has been so tiring…” I watched her shuffle down the hall to the guest room before I headed upstairs to find Ewan. He was sitting on his bed with a glass of brown liquid in his hand. A half empty bottle of bourbon stood on the nightstand. I quietly closed the door behind me as I stepped into the room. His eyes moved over to me.

  “Hey, what are you doing here?” he slurred.

  “I just wanted to make sure you were okay.” I walked over to the bed and sat beside him. “I am so sorry, Ewan.” I squeezed his hand, and that’s when he collapsed into tears. I pulled him to me so I could wrap my arms around him while he cried onto my shoulder. I ended up staying the night with him, lying beside him as he cried himself to sleep.

  In the morning, he said he felt embarrassed. But I just embraced him and told him that I would be there for him no matter what. I made Joseph come to the funeral with me, but he was so insensitive, wanting to know why I had to be the one Ewan turned to. I’d glared at him and told him not to be such a prick. That resulted in two days of us not talking, but we made up with a session of heavy making out.

  Ewan had a lot on his shoulders. He had just inherited his father’s company and was thinking about giving college a miss and learning the ropes straight away. He explained all this over coffee one morning after we met up after a party. We were both hungover and sympathized with each other over our headaches.

  “You know if you’re intent on staying. I could probably get you an admin job at the company,” he offered.

  And that’s what he did.

  I made a decision to skip college for a year and work. Joseph didn’t seem as thrilled about the idea as I was, and that sent me spiraling into doubts and insecurity.

  “I don’t mean I’m not glad you’re staying because I am. It’s just that this is your future you’re messing with. Do you really want to take a year off and work at some crappy job, or do you want to go and party with your friends and have the college experience?”

  I put my arms around his waist. “I want to be with you.”

  He looked me straight in the eye. “I’ll still be here, Jessica. Waiting for you. As long as it takes. I just need to make a bit of money first and then I can move closer to you.” His boss was willing to back him as an investor in buying a property to flip. I’d never seen him so excited.

  I lay my head against his chest. “I’m not going anywhere.”

  I started my job a week after graduation. It was good having Ewan as a friendly face, even though I could tell he was stressed out by the sheer magnitude of everything involved, but at least he had some good people running things. My job was really boring, but it was worth it if it meant that I got to be near Joseph. The highlight of my days was lunch with Ewan. He messed around and joked like we were still at school before we had to return to the somber and serious atmosphere of the office.

  After I’d been there a few months, I was exhausted and looking forward to meeting Joseph for dinner before we were supposed to head off to a party at Lena’s house. He was late. I sat at a table in the diner and waited, playing with the salt and pepper shakers. When he finally rushed in, he was full of apologies.

  “Sorry.” He pecked me on the lips before sliding into the booth. “We just got back from Alcott. We’ve found the perfect house there and they’ve accepted our offer.”

  My heart sunk. “Alcott? That’s three hours away.”

  “There’s huge growth going on there at the moment. Soon, there’s going to be a lack of housing. It’s perfect!” He grabbed one of the fries I’d ordered for him and bit into it. I couldn’t believe how happy he was.

  “But, Joseph. What about me?”

  He looked at me. “What do you mean?”

  “I’ve stayed here for you. And now you tell me that you’re going to be three hours drive away. When will I see you?”

  “Jessica, we have cars. Of course we’re going to see each other.” He reached for my hand, but I drew it back from him.

  “When? I know you. You like to work around the clock to get something done.” I threw my napkin on the table in frustration. “I’ve put my life on hold for you.”

  He let out a sigh, his irritation evident. “I didn’t ask you to.”

  That felt like a slap in the face, and I just stared at him for a moment, before starting to get to my feet. But he grabbed my hands.

  “Stop. Please? That came out wrong.”

  I slowly sat back down, watching him sullenly.

  “I just meant that I can’t let this opportunity pass me by. And you could still go to college–”

  “No, I can’t. It’s too late for this year!” I snapped.

  His forehead creased. “I’m sorry. What do you want me to say? That I won’t go?”

  Yes. “Of course not.”

  “Look. We will make this work, I promise,” he told me softly. “I’m gonna stay in a trailer while I get the house up to standard, maybe you could move out there eventually. There are options, Jessica. This doesn’t have to change anything.”

  I leaned back and sipped my water. “Can we not talk about this anymore, please?”

  He watched me, his brow furrowed, and I switched my gaze to the table, not wanting to look at him.

  “Hey. I’m just going to take a piss. Be back in a minute.”

  “Sure.”

  While he was gone, his phone which lay on the table buzzed. I grabbed it only to see a text message from fucking Katrin.

  ‘I’m going to miss you so much when you’re gone. Can we hang out tonight at the party? Love K.’

  It made my blood boil. Joseph came back to find me holding his phone and staring at it murderously.

  “What’s wrong?” He took it from me and read the message.

  “How could you tell her before you told me?” I demanded, then I didn’t give him a chance to answer. “Seriously, she acts like she’s your fucking girlfriend. You need to get rid of her!”

  “Jessica, I just–”

  “Are you still having sex with her?” That came out louder than I expected and several people looked in our direction.

  “Jesus.” Joseph looked around us. “Keep your voice down.”

  I leaned in closer. “Just answer the fucking question.”

  “Of course I’m not,” he hissed back at me. “You’re acting really stupid right now, you know that?”

  I huffed and crossed my arms, glaring at him.

  “I told her because she’s my friend, and it came up in conversation before I got a chance to tell you. And no, I won’t get rid of her. Any more so than you would your little lap dog Ewan.”

  “I’m not fucking Ewan.”

  “And I’m not fucking, Katrin. I haven’t for a long time.” He looked at me pleadingly. “Please. Can we not fight? I feel like crap for upsetting you.” He took my hands in his. “I love you. Nothing’s going to change that. Why don’t we talk about this tomorrow when we’re both a lot calmer? Let’s just go and have fun with our friends tonight. Okay?”

  I nodded. It was stupid that we were fighting. I hated fighting with him. “Okay.” We kissed across the table.

  My mission at the party was to get as drunk as possible as fast as I could. Joseph was busy telling his friends about his plans, and that just made me feel sick. Like the more people he told, the more real it all became.

  Ewan waved at me from across the room, and I waved back. But I didn’t go over to him. I wanted to stay at Joseph’s side for as long as I could. Besides, Ewan was dancing with a hot blonde and I didn’t want to cramp his style. Joseph had a hand around my waist, and every so often his thumb would find its way under my top and rub against my waist. It always made me feel like melting
into him.

  Then I spotted Katrin, and my semi-good mood evaporated. She looked good; like skanky, white trash good maybe, but it was still good. She seemed to ooze sex without even trying. I took a long drink of vodka. When she came up to Joseph, I could see that her eyes were red like she’d been crying.

  He noticed too. His arm disappeared from around my waist as all of his attention went to her. “Hey, what’s wrong?” he asked, gripping her forearms lightly so she couldn’t move away.

  “It’s just–” Then her eyes darted to me like she was noticing me for the first time, and she ducked her head down. “Nothing,” she muttered.

  Joseph turned to me. “Look, do you mind? I think I need to talk to her in private.”

  I stared at him in disbelief. “Are you fucking kidding me?”

  “Jessica. Don’t act like that–”

  But I cut him off. “Fuck you!” And I stormed away to get lost in the sea of people. Someone put a shot in my hand and I downed it quickly, welcoming the burn. I did a few more, but they did nothing to quell the anger within me. Bitterness and hatred swarmed through me and I just felt like breaking something. I felt like I was suffocating and fought my way past people to make it outside into the air.

  I leaned against a wall, taking deep breaths to try and calm myself.

  “Jessie?” Ewan stood in the light. “Are you okay?”

  I shook my head. “No.”

  “What’s the matter? Are you sick?” He took a step toward me, and I latched onto his arm.

  “I just need to find somewhere to lie down. Can you help me?”

  He led me upstairs to the bedrooms and found an unoccupied one. He closed the door gently behind us as I sat on the bed.

  He sat beside me. “Did someone spike your drink or something?”

  I shook my head. “No. I’m just drunk, and so, so angry right now.”

  He put his arm around my shoulder, pressing a soft kiss to my forehead. “What can I do for you?”

  His touch felt so good, his voice so soft, and when I lifted my face to look at him, he looked so concerned and his lips looked so nice…so I kissed him, hard.