An Amish Noel

by Patricia Davids

  He should have found a gentler way to break it off between them. He had known that she loved him. He had loved her, too, although he never told her that. His feelings for Emma had frightened the wits out of him. Marriage would have tied him to the Amish life forever. She never understood his need to be free from his family’s expectations and from everything Amish that had stifled him. Drugs had given him the feeling of freedom he craved, but only for a while.

  If he had allowed her to come with him, it would have ruined her life. Leaving her behind was the only good thing he’d ever done for her. Did she understand that?

  It didn’t seem likely, but there had been something in the way she looked at him that gave him hope.

  Hope for what?

  What was it that he wanted from her? To rekindle their teenage romance? He was too old and too jaded to think that was possible.

  Forgiveness? He craved that, but he didn’t expect it. How could he when he had never explained why he left her.

  Did he hope for a new friendship with her? Maybe.

  None of it mattered if he wasn’t staying in Bowmans Crossing. The closer the time came for him to make a decision about staying the less certain he became of what he was going to do. From the moment he got out of jail, he had been struggling to fit in, to find where he belonged. Once his parole was up, he would be truly free. Free to leave. Free to stay. Which did he want?

  His whole life he had rebelled against the strict and narrow Amish world he’d been born into. He’d never felt as if he were a part of it. Only sweet Emma had made it bearable. Her shy smiles, her adorable laugh, those tender stolen kisses. Oh yes, Emma had tempted him to stay, but her love hadn’t been enough.

  Luke had grown to envy his Englisch friend, Jim Morgan. It had seemed that Jim and his buddies had a million choices. They had money to spend, cars to take them anywhere they wanted to go. There had been parties, loud music, fun and later there had been drugs, too. The Amish singings and picnics Emma wanted to attend seemed dull as dirt in comparison.

  Always a risk taker, Luke dove headfirst into a lifestyle that had seemed too good to be true. And it was.

  The occasional party drugs hadn’t been enough after a while. He sought escape more often, and one of Jim’s buddies supplied what he needed. Although Luke had believed he could quit whenever he wanted, he hadn’t been able to do so. In the end, he rejected Emma’s love, lost the respect of his family and his self-respect, too.

  And he had no one to blame but himself.

  Now, the Lord had led him full circle. He was back at the same crossroads. Stay or go? Which would be best for his family? Their unwavering support and love had given his life new meaning, but did he belong here?

  If only he could be sure he wouldn’t fail them again.

  At noon, his mother prepared a light meal, and afterward Luke walked down to the riverbank behind the house. The water was frozen a few feet out from the shore, but it was open in a winding path down the center of the river. A flock of mallard ducks flew up from the open water, circled and landed farther downstream, quacking their displeasure at being disturbed. He tossed a stick into the water and watched it drift away.

  “What is troubling you, brudder?”

  He recognized Joshua’s voice and turned to see all four of his brothers walking down to join him. “I’m not troubled.”

  Joshua stopped a few feet away and folded his arms. “I’ve heard that before. I didn’t buy it then and I’m not buying it now.”

  “What gives?” Noah asked. At twenty, he was the youngest of the Bowman sons and the least Amish looking with his short brown hair, English clothes and blue ball cap. He was taking advantage of his rumspringa to enjoy some non-Amish activities, but Luke knew Noah had every intention of joining the faith in a few years.

  “Are you thinking of leaving us again?” Trust Samuel to get straight to the point.

  “We all want you to stay,” Timothy added quietly. “I hope you know that.”

  Luke nodded, unable to speak until he swallowed the lump in his throat. “I know you want me here.”

  Samuel laid a hand on Luke’s shoulder. “But?”

  “But I wish I knew for certain that I could stay.”

  Joshua tipped his hat back. “Luke, no one but you can make that decision. Why do you think you should leave?”

  Joshua had believed he could convince Luke to return to the family. He had tracked Luke down and found him selling drugs to support his habit. Shame and guilt kept Luke from accepting Joshua’s help. Unfortunately, they both were swept up in a drug raid, and his innocent brother had been sent to prison, too. Amazingly, Joshua didn’t harbor any ill will toward him.

  Luke stared at the ground. “I should leave because I’m a drug addict and a convict. How many Amish fellows can say that?”

  “Ex-addict. Ex-convict,” Samuel said sternly.

  Luke glanced at him. “Am I? Therein lies my dilemma. I’m not using drugs now. I don’t want to go back to prison, and failing a drug test would put me there in a heartbeat. I’m straight now, but once prison isn’t hanging over my head, will I give in and start using again?”

  Samuel shook him by the shoulders. “You won’t.”

  Luke pulled away from his brother. “You don’t know that because I don’t know that.”

  The fear of falling back into that life hovered over him every day. He wasn’t strong. He’d failed before. He could fail again. Why was he so different from his siblings? Looking into their faces, he knew they didn’t understand his fears. How could they? They were all so sure of their place in life.

  Forcing a smile, he hooked a thumb toward the house. “Why don’t I beat you at a game of checkers, Samuel? That always makes me feel better.”

  Noah shoved his hands in the pockets of his jacket. “Daed has already challenged him. You’ll have to wait and play the winner.”

  “Go on, then. I’ll be up in a minute.”

  His brothers walked reluctantly up the hill. He threw one more stick in the water and followed. As he entered the back garden gate, he saw Joshua’s wife, Mary, sitting on a bench. She had her eyes closed and her face raised to the afternoon sun. Several of the gourd birdhouses he had painted added color to the winter landscape. “I know how you’re feeling, Luke.”

  “I doubt that.” He took a seat beside her.

  “You feel lost. Others seem to know exactly what they want out of life and you still don’t know what you’re seeking. For two cents, you’d put a boat on the river, get in it and drift away until you reached the sea or sank.” She opened her eyes and looked at him. “Am I close?”

  “Amazingly so.”

  “I was like you before I had Hannah.”

  Luke knew some of her story. Mary had left the Amish as a young girl, ended up with a man who used and then abandoned her when he found out she was pregnant. Alone and on the streets, she was taken in by a drug dealer named Dunbar, who planned to sell her baby when it was born. She gave birth alone and managed to hide Hannah from him in an Amish buggy, leaving a note with her child that she would come back for her.

  What she hadn’t known was the buggy belonged to two teenage Amish boys who panicked when they discovered the baby. They left her on the doorstep of the nearest Amish farm. It was only thanks to Miriam Kauffman, an ex-Amish nurse, and Sheriff Nick Bradley that Mary was eventually reunited with her baby, and the drug dealer was sent to prison. Nick and Miriam married and adopted Mary. When Hannah was five, Joshua rescued the mother and child during a tornado and soon fell in love with them both. Once again, it had been Luke’s weakness that almost ruined everything for them.

  “You are a stronger person than I am, Mary. You’ve seen how weak I can be. You suffered because of it.”

  “God gave me someone to make me strong. He gave me Hannah. He will give you the st
rength you need if you trust Him.”

  “I don’t know that I believe that. I have the feeling that I’m out here on my own. I think He’s washed His hands of me. I don’t know why you haven’t.”

  “Because Joshua loves you.”

  “I don’t understand that, either. He tried to help me and I pulled him down with me. He spent time in prison because of me. I gave the man who hated you information about you in exchange for drugs when I was in prison.”

  “You didn’t know Kevin Dunbar’s intentions. He used you.”

  “He kidnapped Hannah and could have killed her because of me.”

  “God, in His great mercy, spared my child. You told the authorities where Dunbar was going once you knew what had happened. Nick got my little girl back because of your help. You were part of God’s plan all along, Luke. Don’t doubt that.”

  “I’d feel better about being part of the solution if I hadn’t caused the problem. I don’t deserve another chance to mess up someone’s life.” If he stayed, it would happen. To Mary or to Hannah or God forbid to Emma. He would fail them when they needed him most. In his heart of hearts, he knew it.

  Mary sighed softly. “I’ve never told anyone in the family this other than my husband, but I tried to kill myself when I lost Hannah the first time. It was hard to believe God could forgive me for such an act. The truth is God forgave me long before I made that terrible decision. He sent His only Son to die on a cross to save me from my sin. God forgives all of us. I was the one who couldn’t forgive myself until I realized that God had sent Joshua to love me in spite of everything. Your sins will be forgiven if you accept the truth of our Savior’s sacrifice for you, Luke. Until you accept that and forgive yourself, you won’t find happiness here or anywhere.”

  “It’s easier said than done, Mary.”

  “You’re right. It is. But it’s possible. Now let’s go in. I’m getting cold and your mother was making some hot cocoa.” She rose to her feet.

  Luke stared at her in amazement. “I hope my brother knows how blessed he is to have found a woman like you, Mary.”

  She grinned. “I tell him often, so he’s not likely to forget.”

  Luke chuckled. He could hear Emma saying something like that. Emma was a strong woman, too. If only he could undo his past mistakes and make her love him again.

  No, he was a fool if he tried to hold on to that hope, but to his dismay, it wouldn’t die.

  Chapter Five

  Luke spent Monday morning prowling through Zachariah’s sheds and barn, taking stock of what equipment the man had squirreled away. He found eight chain saws, none of which worked, and a half dozen two-man saws that only needed sharpening; six bailers in various stages of rust; three silage blowers; eighteen carriage wheels; twelve sets of harnesses; four plows; four harrows; fifty-five assorted sizes of horseshoes and a busted corn binder. As he went through, over and around the piles, he made notes in a small spiral notebook. Roy worked with him, but Alvin had school and wouldn’t be home until after three o’clock.

  Zachariah came out to check on their progress occasionally, but for the most part, he puttered in the half-built hardware store. Luke gained the impression that it was hard for Zachariah to see his holdings being assessed by someone with an eye to selling them. He didn’t see hide nor hair of Emma. Was she avoiding him?

  Stupid question. Of course she was.

  Where they could, Luke and Roy moved Zachariah’s hoard to lay it out for better access and to inventory the cardboard boxes and wooden crates filled with gears, bearings, nails and assorted small tools. They were both covered with dust and grease within a few hours.

  “I count twenty-three oil lamps complete with shades and wicks in these boxes. Looks like only one shade is cracked.” Luke replaced the last lid and moved to tally the rope and tackle hanging on pegs nearby.

  “What are these?” Roy asked, pulling a tarp away from a stack of silver-and-blue metal panels in the hayloft of Zachariah’s largest barn. Luke suspected the horses’ and cattle’s need for hay was the only reason this part of the barn hadn’t been overtaken yet.

  Luke stopped counting the pulleys and puzzled over Roy’s find for second. “I think they’re solar panels.”

  “The kind that make electricity?”

  “Ja. I wonder how your daed came by them. I always thought they were expensive to buy.”

  “He probably traded for them. That’s what Daed does. He trades for stuff. He rarely buys anything. Could these be used to charge up my cell phone?”

  “I’m sure it could, but I don’t know how to make it work.”

  Roy flipped the cover back over the solar array. “I thought you were gonna tell me to get rid of my phone. That’s what Emma would say.”

  “I know a lot of guys your age carry them. You aren’t baptized yet, so you don’t have to abide by the church rules.”

  “Emma says I need to. She is always harping about how hard it will be to give up my Englisch things later. She says it’s better to give them up now before I get attached to them.”

  “She might have a point. You shouldn’t be too hard on your sister. She means well.”

  “I know. It’s just that she tries to be our mother. She’s not.”

  “She’s been taking care of you and Alvin since you were little. You can’t blame her for wanting to see that you turn out right.”

  “How I turn out is going to be my decision, not hers.”

  The boy had a point. No amount of his mother’s prayers or pleading had kept Luke home when he was ready to leave. “Once she gets married, she won’t have as much time to fuss at you.”

  Roy’s eyebrows shot up. “Emma is getting married?”

  “Your daed mentioned as much. I figured you knew.”

  “I thought my sister would be an old maid forever.”

  “So you don’t know who she has been seeing?” Was that odd, or was Roy simply too caught up in his own life to see what was happening under his nose? Luke was ashamed to admit that he had been like that at Roy’s age.

  “Nee. Wow. Who will take care of Alvin?”

  “I reckon you and your father can manage.”

  “I’ll be leaving. I mean, one of these days I’m gonna live in the city. That’s where all the excitement is.”

  Luke tensed. “What kind of excitement?”

  “Lights, movie theaters, televisions, bars, girls that dress fancy. Micah and I talked a lot about the things we’d see there.”

  Relaxing a bit, Luke was relieved that Roy hadn’t mentioned drugs. “None of it is free. How would you pay for a place with lights and a television?”

  “I’ll get a job.”

  “It’s not as easy as it sounds.” Without the simple basics such as a driver’s license and social security card, and with only an eighth-grade education, a decent job was almost impossible to come by. To his deep regret, Luke had chosen the wrong way to make money.

  “Is that why you came back, because you couldn’t find work?” Roy asked.

  Luke hesitated, but decided to tell Roy the truth. Maybe it would keep him from making the same kind of mistakes. “Living here is a condition of my parole. You knew I went to prison, didn’t you?”

  Roy shrugged. “Sure. Everyone knows. I think it’s cool.”

  Luke rounded on the boy. “It wasn’t cool! I spent a year of my life locked in a cage with men you never want to meet. I made stupid decisions, and people got hurt. I paid the price for that. A lot like your ride on the snowmobile. Only there wasn’t anyone standing by to haul my soggy behind to shore. I pulled my brother Joshua into trouble with me, and it was only by the grace of God that we survived.”

  Roy backed away from Luke’s anger. “I’m sorry.”

  Luke sucked in a deep breath and blew it out, letting his anger fl
ow away with it. “I’m the one who is sorry. Forgive me.”

  Roy rubbed his hands on his pant legs. “It must have been hard, but it’s over now.”

  “It’s not over. I’m not in jail, but I’m still on parole until the end of my sentence. That means I have to report to an Englisch parole officer every month. If I don’t do what they tell me, I can be sent back to prison.”

  “I didn’t know that.”

  Another month and then he would truly be a free man. A man able to live his life as he saw fit without reporting to anyone. Without this great shadow hanging over his head.

  “You have to understand that the Englisch world is much more than lights and movies, Roy. It has a very dark side. You need to think long and hard about what you’re leaving, and why you’re leaving. If you decide to live Englisch, you need to be prepared.”

  “That’s why I’m glad you’re here. Where did you stay when you first left?”

  Luke cringed at the memory. “In a crummy old motel a few blocks north of the bus station in Cincinnati called the Gray Cat. I had heard that a bunch of ex-Amish kids were staying there. I didn’t have a clue about life off the farm let alone how to survive in a dangerous slum. The management charged way too much for those rundown rooms.”

  The owner had also had unscrupulous contacts eager to employ the underage and unsuspecting youths who desperately needed jobs when their money ran out or was stolen.

  “The Gray Cat. That is the kind of stuff I want to learn. I knew you’d help me get out of here.”

  “Then you are doomed to be disappointed because I’m not going to help you leave. You don’t know half the dangers that are out there.”

  “I’m not staying here. I’ll be bored out of my skull for the rest of my life.”