An Amish Noel

by Patricia Davids

  “I thought you were happy about it.”

  “I was.”

  She stared at her clasped hands. “But several nights later you had changed your mind. You didn’t want me.”

  “I wanted you more than ever, but I truly believed I was doing the right thing by sending you home. Samuel caught me as I was sneaking out one night. We had another argument, but I never told you the whole truth about that night. I threw it in Samuel’s face that you were going with me. I didn’t know it for sure, but I hoped it was true. I just wanted to impress him, to prove someone loved me for who I was. He said my going was the best thing that could happen to our family, but I was ruining your life by taking you with me. He told me your mother was ill. He knew your family was going to need you.”

  Her head snapped up. “He knew? How did he know? I didn’t learn of it until weeks later.”

  “Your mother came into the shop to ask about having a casket made. She didn’t want your father to be burdened with the details.”

  “That is so like her. She was always looking out for him.”

  “I was arrested for the first time shortly after that. When I got probation I was too ashamed to go home. Jim took me to the bus station and you know the rest. That was why I left without you. Because Samuel was right. Your family needed you.”

  “My father is ill. Samuel will be making his casket in a year or two.”

  “Oh, Emma. I’m so sorry. I didn’t know.”

  “He didn’t want the boys to learn of it until after Christmas. You’ve seen how excited Alvin is about his school pageant and his solo. Daed didn’t want to spoil it for him.”

  “I can understand that.”

  “Why didn’t you write if you cared for me?”

  “I wrote you a hundred letters, but I never mailed them. I thought I was ready for the Englisch world. I was a naive fool. I couldn’t get a job. I didn’t have a social security number or a birth certificate. I was too proud to go home. I met someone, a woman. Her name was Maggie.”

  “Did you love her?”

  “It wasn’t like that. She said she could help me. I only had to deliver packages for her. I didn’t know it was drugs until later. When I found out, she told me it was the only way she could earn enough money to pay for her baby’s medical care. She told me he was in the hospital and needed surgery. I believed her and I delivered the packages. She invited me to a party afterward and paid me handsomely. It was easy money and I discovered that drugs made a lonely, scared country boy feel as if he owned the world.”

  “That still doesn’t explain why you didn’t write to me. You knew my mother was dying. You knew I would need someone to talk to.”

  “I’m not making any excuses for what I did. God gave me several chances to turn myself around, but I didn’t. It wasn’t something I wanted to put on a postcard and mail home. How could I admit what a failure I was? You know the rest of the story. Joshua came to try and talk some sense into me. He was caught up in a drug raid. Maggie told them that he and I had been making and delivering drugs for months.”

  “Why did she lie about Joshua’s involvement?”

  He shrugged. “To save her own hide. She cut a deal for a lesser sentence. Turns out she didn’t have a kid. It was all a lie.”

  “Thank you for telling me this.” Emma turned her face to the window again, and he wondered if he had lost her forever by telling the truth.

  * * *

  Emma jolted upright when the car came to a stop. She blinked and rubbed her eyes. “Did I fall asleep?”

  “I think so. We’re in the outskirts of the city.”

  There were houses as far as she could see. Soon, the buildings towered over them as they drove along. People streamed along the sidewalk, and cars clogged the road. Hope dwindled in her heart. “How will we ever find him?”

  “Don’t give up now. I told Roy about a place where I stayed when I first came here.”

  “You think Roy would go there?”

  He turned onto a quieter side street. “Maybe. It’s a cheap motel not far from the bus station. I mentioned that a number of runaway Amish kids end up living there. It’s a very bad neighborhood. I tried to get that across to Roy, but I’m not sure it sank in.”

  She stretched her stiff muscles. The houses had given way to high-rises and now the high-rises gave way to brick buildings with boarded-over windows. The people here weren’t hurrying along. They sat on stoops and lounged on car hoods.

  “That’s it up ahead.” Luke pulled the car to a stop. “I want you to wait here, Emma. You will attract too much attention in that garb.”

  “I am who I am. I won’t hide or pretend otherwise. I’m coming with you.”

  “Then stay close to me.”

  She didn’t argue with that suggestion. Together, they walked along the cracked sidewalk until they reached the parking lot of the motel. Emma heard the sound of a basketball being dribbled in the alley. Roy loved basketball. She caught Luke’s sleeve.

  He nodded. “We can check it out.”

  They followed the narrow walkway until it widened into a flat semicircle between three buildings. Someone had put up a makeshift goal. Roy and three other boys were shooting hoops. A woman with purple hair lounged on a chair that held open the back door of the motel. She cheered the boys on.

  She caught sight of Luke and frowned. “What are you doing here?”

  “Just looking for a friend, Maggie. Roy, can we speak to you?”

  Maggie rose to her feet. “He’s working for me now, Luke. You should move along before I make trouble.”

  “Maggie, I know a few good cops these days. My brother married the daughter of a sheriff, did you know that? If I were to tell him where you keep your good stuff stashed and maybe name some of your contacts, like your supplier, how long do you think you’d get this time?”

  Her eyes narrowed. “You wouldn’t. The Amish don’t do things that way.”

  He simply smiled. “Roy is coming with us.”

  Emma ignored them. She couldn’t take her eyes off Roy. He was all right. Luke had found him.

  Roy bounced the ball to one of the other boys and came toward Emma. “I’m not going back. You can’t make me.”

  She pressed a hand to her mouth, then said, “What if I ask nicely?”

  Luke laid a hand on Roy’s shoulder. “Roy, your sister needs you.”

  “Emma doesn’t need anyone.”

  She came to stand beside him. “That’s where you’re wrong, brudder. I may act as if I don’t need anyone, but that’s all it is—an act.”

  She gazed at Luke, willing him to understand that she was speaking to him as well as Roy. “I know now that I can’t do it alone. I need my family. I need my friends, my dearest friends, to understand how frightened I am every single day.”

  Roy half turned toward her. “Why are you scared?”

  She reached out to stroke his hair. “I’m afraid I will do the wrong thing or say the wrong thing and I’ll lose what is most precious to me.”

  Tears blurred her vision, but she saw Luke watching her. What she had to say was for him, too. “A long time ago, I was very much in love with a young man. He left our community, and I thought it was my fault. I mistakenly believed he saw my love as a weakness, as a chain that would bind him when he wanted his freedom. He broke my heart. Afterward, I grew determined to never show that weakness again.”

  “Love isn’t weakness, Emma. Your young man was a fool.” Luke walked back to the car, leaving Emma alone with her brother.

  “It was Luke, wasn’t it?” Roy asked with more perception that she gave him credit for.

  “Ja, it was Luke, but that is all in the past. Now it’s about you. I understand your desire for freedom, Roy. I do. I want you to come home, but if you can’t, I will accept that. All I a
sk is that you forgive me.”

  “For what?”

  “For failing to see what a fine young man you have become. I was afraid of losing my little brother, the one with the runny nose and skinned knees who came crying to me when he got hurt. I wanted to be needed by you, but I could see that you were outgrowing me. I couldn’t accept that, so I tried to keep you little. I treated you as the child I wanted you to be. I should have treated you like a man. Can you forgive me?”

  “I never really wanted to leave.”

  “You didn’t?” She wanted to hold him close.

  “I only did it for Micah.”

  Puzzled, she shook her head. “I don’t understand. I thought it was because you didn’t want me to marry Wayne.”

  “I don’t like Wayne, but he wasn’t the real reason I left. Micah was the one who wanted to get away. He hated being Amish. He couldn’t wait to leave. We talked about it all the time. He had all these big plans. He made me promise to go with him. We were going to go the day after my seventeenth birthday. When he died, I knew I had to follow through on my part. To honor him and what he wanted. What we had planned to do together.”

  “I can’t believe Micah would want you to do this by yourself.”

  “I miss him so much.”

  Emma’s heart ached for his pain. “I know you do. If you weren’t all grown up, I would give you a hug.”

  “Maybe I’m not that grown up.”

  She cupped his face with her hands. “You are, but I won’t tell anyone if you don’t.”

  “Okay.”

  She pulled him close and held on to him as he cried for his friend.

  * * *

  Luke gave them a few minutes together before he approached again. “If we leave now, we can make it back in time to see Alvin’s school pageant.”

  Emma drew away from Roy and smoothed his jacket with her hands. “Will you be okay? Will you write? I’ll be mad if you don’t. I will send you money if you need it.”

  “Alvin’s gonna be pretty upset with me if I miss his solo.”

  Luke smiled, knowing one innocent lamb was about to return to the fold. “He will. He’s been practicing for weeks.”

  Roy rubbed his face on his sleeve. “You don’t know the half of it. He sings in his sleep.”

  “If you want to ride along, that’s fine with me, but I won’t be able to bring you back here. I borrowed the car, and I have to return it.”

  Roy glanced around at the gray, dingy walls. “I reckon I’d rather spend Christmas at home than in this place.”

  The wail of a siren grew louder and then passed by. Luke looked at Roy. “Won’t you miss all the lights and the excitement of the holidays?”

  “The lights are mighty pretty, but I’ve noticed one thing about them.”

  “What’s that?”

  Luke looked up. “You can’t see the stars at night because the light hides them. You may not be able to see them, but the stars are like God’s love for us. Always there no matter what.”

  Emma laid a hand on Roy’s shoulder. “Even when we aren’t looking for it. His love is there. We’ll wait while you pack.”

  A short five minutes later, he returned with a duffel bag over his shoulder. “I reckon I’ve got everything I need.”

  Emma had her brother back and she was grateful. All she needed now was to win Luke back. So where did she start?

  Chapter Sixteen

  Luke held his speed to just under the posted limit all the way back. It would be the last time he ever drove a car. To his surprise, he didn’t mind the thought. A horse and buggy wouldn’t carry him very fast, but it wouldn’t carry him very far, either. From now on, he would be sticking close to home. He glanced in the rearview mirror. Close to Emma if she allowed it. He still wasn’t sure how she felt about him.

  Emma and Roy shared the backseat as Roy recounted his adventures. It was a healing time for them and Luke hated to see it end, but Zachariah’s mailbox had come into view. Luke slowed and turned into the lane. As he pulled to a stop, the front door opened. Zachariah and Alvin stepped out onto the porch. No doubt they were wondering who was arriving in an English car.

  When Roy and Emma got out of the backseat, Alvin gave a whoop of happiness and rushed toward them. Zachariah followed more slowly, but his grin was every bit as wide. Luke got out of the car and stood waiting for the reunion to end.

  Emma, her face glistening with tears of joy, came to his side. “Come inside, Luke. I know Father will want to thank you for all you’ve done.”

  “I’d love to stay, but I have to get going. I need to return the car and make it to the school play on time. Hannah will never speak to me again if I’m late.”

  “We have to get ready as well. I reckon we’ll see you there.”

  “I reckon.”

  As goodbyes went, it wasn’t much. He wanted to get Emma alone and tell her that he loved her and that he couldn’t live without her. But those words would have to wait for another day. “Frehlicher Grischtdaag, Emma.”

  “Merry Christmas to you, too, Luke.” Her soft smile warmed his heart and gave him hope.

  * * *

  Emma and her family took their seats in the schoolroom that was quickly filling with family and friends of the children. Soon, all the lanterns in the room were turned down except one. Alvin walked out on the stage and into the circle of light, silhouetted against the backdrop painted to resemble the village of Bethlehem. After a hush fell over the room, Alvin’s voice rang out pure and sweet, each note a living thing of splendor as he sang “While Shepherds Watched Their Flocks.” Only the multitude of the heavenly hosts praising God on that first Christmas night could have sounded more beautiful. For the first time, she didn’t see her brother—she saw a messenger of God bearing tidings of great joy. When his song was done, the shepherds entered the stage and the play began.

  Tears filled Emma’s eyes. She slipped her fingers into her father’s hand, and he squeezed them gently. There were tears in his eyes, too. Emma listened, entranced by the age-old story and the peace that settled over her.

  After one angel lost her wing and had to run back for it, the stage cleared again and Alvin walked to the center once more and began “The First Noel.” No one moved. Even after the last clear note died away, a hush remained. It was as if no one wanted to mar the holiness filling the room.

  Lillian walked to Alvin’s side, touched his arm gently and turned to the audience. “That concludes our program tonight. There are refreshments at the back. Our scholars are so pleased that you could join us and we want to wish all of you a very Merry Christmas. Frehlicher Grischtdaag.”

  Her father leaned over. “I think he will be the Volsinger one day.”

  “I think you are right.” The Volsinger was the man who began each hymn during the Amish church service. It was a solemn responsibility to lead the congregation in songs handed down through the generations.

  The lights were turned up again, and the audience rose to enfold the excited children and move en masse toward the tables bearing goodies. Emma visited with her neighbors and friends, but she kept one eye on Luke where he stood with his family. Hannah was imploring her mother to fix her wing. As the crowd thinned out and began to go home, Emma made her way to her father’s side. He sighed deeply and said, “Are you ready to go home?”

  “You and the boys go on without me.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “There’s something I need to take care of, and you have a lot to discuss with your sons.”

  “I do. We’ll see you later. Guten nacht.”

  “Good night, Daed.”

  As soon as her family went out, she fixed her gaze on Luke. What if she was wrong and he didn’t feel the same about her? There was only one way to find out. He was getting his hat when she caught up wit
h him. “It has been a remarkable night, thanks in large part to you, Luke.”

  He shook his head. “I didn’t repeat a single poem or sing a note. The children made it special.”

  “I wasn’t talking about the program.”

  His eyes searched her face. “I’m happy I was able to help.”

  She gathered her courage. “There is something else I’d like you to do for me tonight.”

  “Anything. What is it?”

  “Would you walk me home?”

  * * *

  Luke’s heart jumped into his throat. Had he heard her correctly? “I’m sure my family has room for you in the sleigh.”

  She looked down at her hands clasped in front of her. “It’s not terribly cold. I thought a walk might be nice.”

  Happiness made him giddy. “It sounds wunderbar.”

  She looked up and met his gaze. “It does, doesn’t it? It will only take me a minute to get my bonnet and coat.”

  Was she giving him another chance, or was this her way of saying a permanent goodbye? He closed his eyes and breathed a silent prayer, begging God for one more chance with the woman he loved. When he opened them, she was standing in front of him looking lovelier than ever.

  “I’m ready.”

  That meant he had to be, too. “Goot.”

  They reached the road and he turned toward her home, but she stopped. “Would you mind if we went to the river?”

  “I don’t mind at all.” She began walking, and he fell into step beside her.

  A few straggling families from the school passed them. He politely turned aside several offers of a ride. Before long, the road was empty and they walked in silence. The crunch of snow under their feet was the only sound.

  She looked up into the night sky. “How do the people in cities live without this beauty?”

  “They have learned not to look. They pretend there is nothing above them.” He wanted to hold her hand. Would she let him? He balled his fingers tight inside his coat pockets.

  “How sad.”

  “It is a little, but people survive and thrive.”