Forever Only Once: A Promise Me Novel

by Carrie Ann Ryan

  While it had been good to see them, I was glad to have some time alone to think.

  Even though that might not be the best thing for me right now.

  “What are you going to do about Hazel?” Prior asked, and my eyes widened.

  “I’m going to go to her. I gave her some time, but now it’s time for us to talk it out and figure out what the fuck we’re doing.”

  “And if she tells you she doesn’t want to see you again?” Prior asked.

  My gut churned, and my jaw tightened. “Then I’ll go. But I was a little drugged when I let her walk away before, not to mention that I was strapped to the bed and an IV. I had to just let her walk away. And I know we both have a lot of shit to deal with now, fuck, all of us do, her friends and our family included. And we’ll deal with it. But we need to talk it out. Together. I can’t just walk away because it’s easier. Even if it seems like it could be easier.”

  Prior searched my face and gave me a tight nod. “Good. She’s good for you. I know she probably blames herself for what happened, but that was all on that asshole. Both assholes. But Chris wasn’t a murderer. And we both know that.”

  I nodded, swallowing hard. “He just made some really bad fucking decisions.”

  “Sadly, he paid the price with his life,” Prior said. “That’s something we’ll all have to deal with for a long fucking time. But we will. For now, however, I’m going to make you dinner, even though I’m not as good a cook as Arden or you. Then we’ll eat and pretend that everything is fine, and you can tell me exactly how you’re going to get Hazel back.”

  “I don’t have a plan,” I whispered.

  “Then it’s a good thing I’m here.”

  “When’s the last time you had a serious relationship?” I asked.

  “I haven’t. Not really. So I guess I’ll learn from you while I try to teach you. It’ll be a symbiotic relationship of what the fuck.”

  I laughed, wincing a bit at the pain in my side.

  I knew I wasn’t going to let Hazel go, not without talking first.

  I still had nightmares, picturing what had been done to her, the pain we’d both had to endure. That was something I would have to deal with for the rest of my life.

  But I wasn’t going to let myself wallow in solitude and misery when I knew that I loved her, and I needed to tell her as much.

  If she said she didn’t love me and wanted nothing to do with me, I’d figure out how to live with that.

  But until then, I had to bare my soul to her.

  I just didn’t know how to fucking do that.

  How did I even start?

  Chapter 21

  Hazel

  * * *

  I stood at my front door, my hands shaking, but it was fine. I knew what I was doing. I could do this.

  I needed to talk with Cross. I needed to ask him to forgive me.

  Not just for what had happened at the cabin, or even for all the pain and blood. For how I left.

  Nobody deserved to be lying in a hospital bed, only to be left behind.

  It was callous, thoughtless, but I had been so in my head, I’d stood in my own way.

  I hadn’t been thinking, not really. Hadn’t been able to get through my own fears and pain and trauma. And in the end, I’d left him.

  And I couldn’t forgive myself for that. Now I had to beg him for forgiveness.

  I let out a breath. I knew I could do this. I just needed to go to Cross’s home and beg.

  Maybe even beg him to love me.

  But that might be going too far.

  The doorbell rang, and I let out a little scream.

  Someone slammed their hand on the door, and I clutched my hands into fists at my sides.

  “Hazel? Did you scream?”

  Cross. Cross was here.

  I let out a shaky laugh then looked through the peephole. There it was, his beautiful, bearded face. I almost cried.

  Instead, I flipped all the locks, opened the door, and looked at him.

  He looked healthy, and he wasn’t falling down.

  He wasn’t covered in blood or attached to tubes or lying down, weak.

  All the images that I had relived every single night for the past two weeks slammed into my mind again, and I simply tried to breathe.

  It was hard to do when all I wanted to do was hold him and tell him that I was sorry and that I hoped he was doing well.

  But I didn’t know how to say all that.

  “Cross,” I whispered.

  “Are you okay? What happened?”

  “I was just standing by the door, and you rang the doorbell, and it startled me. I was trying to get up the courage to come and see you, and now you’re here, and I screamed like an idiot.”

  Cross ran a hand over his face and then smiled, the relief in his eyes hitting me hard.

  “Jesus. I thought you were hurt again. Hell. Can I hold you? Is that too much to ask? Because I really need to fucking hold you right now.”

  We needed to talk, I knew that. We needed to do a lot of things besides falling into each other, but I didn’t care right now.

  Instead, I wrapped my arms around his waist, careful of where he’d been shot, the spot that meant he’d almost died, and simply held him. His arms slid around me, and he pulled me close. I inhaled his masculine scent, the woodsy one that always made me shiver.

  “You’re here,” I whispered.

  “I am, Hazel. Fuck. That scream just now… I never want to hear it again. Holy hell. It’s already in my nightmares from the cabin, and hearing it again? Fuck.”

  “I startle easily. I’m working on it. Cross. Am I hurting you?”

  “No, you’re not touching the wound. But you already knew that. You know exactly where it is.”

  I was talking to his chest while holding him, inhaling his scent. I never wanted to let go.

  I just wanted to hold him.

  “I can’t believe I almost lost you.”

  “I was thinking the same fucking thing.”

  “Come in, let’s talk.”

  “Let me just hold you.”

  And then I heard him inhale, and I sank into him, just holding him for a little bit longer.

  I wasn’t sure how long we stood there before he finally let me go but gripped my hands.

  “Invite me inside?”

  I already had, but I did so again. Then, we were both inside, and I was locking the door behind me like I always did, knowing he was watching me, making sure every single deadbolt was locked.

  “I’m glad you’re still doing that,” he whispered.

  “It doesn’t make me neurotic or paranoid?” I asked.

  “My brothers and brother-in-law helped me put more locks on my door. I think we’re all going to be a little paranoid and neurotic for a while. But that’s fine. Because fuck, Hazel. I almost lost you, and I don’t know what I would have done if I had.”

  “I need to tell you that I’m sorry.”

  Anger flashed in his gaze, and I winced.

  “You better not be sorry for what happened.”

  “I can be sorry you were involved in it, even though I know it wasn’t my fault. That was what was running through my head during your hospital stay, and it’s why I acted the way I did. But I was just going through the motions. I wasn’t thinking clearly. Now, though, I want to say I’m sorry for leaving like I did. I shouldn’t have done that. I should have waited and tried to think it through, talk to you. But I didn’t know the words were coming out of my mouth that day until they were said. I hurt you. Hurt you more than going through surgery and being shot. And I’m not sure I can ever forgive myself for that.”

  Cross cursed again, but I didn’t flinch. I loved the sound of his voice. I loved that he was here. I loved him.

  “I kept thinking about what I would have done had the situation been reversed.”

  My breath caught at his words, and hope flared. I tamped it down. I was still afraid to hope.

  “Only…Hazel? Please, just n
ever do that again. Never leave me. I know I probably sound like Thomas right now. I need to stop.”

  My eyes widened, and I moved forward, putting my hands on his chest. “No. That’s not the things Thomas said. He told me to never leave him because I was his possession. I’ve had years of therapy to get through that. But I’m not your possession, just like you’re not mine. However, I want to be yours in a way. I never should have left. I shouldn’t have walked away when things got tough. But I was scared of what I was feeling, what had happened, and I wasn’t thinking properly. I was on my way to you. I swear. I was going to fall to my knees and beg you for forgiveness. Because I love you, Cross Brady. I love you so much. I never thought I could love like this. What I had with Thomas before? That wasn’t love. It was a one-sided infatuation that I told myself was love, and it got twisted into something horrible.”

  “Hazel,” Cross whispered.

  I shook my head, cutting him off. “No, let me finish. I love you to the depths of my soul. You make me smile and laugh. You make me think. You make me feel like I can do anything. I walked away because I blamed myself for what happened. If you can’t forgive me for that, I’ll understand. But I want you to know that I’ll never do it again. I’ll never walk away when things get hard or if I blame myself. I’ll talk to you. I’ll just try not to have a slight concussion when that happens.”

  I laughed softly when he did, knowing that I was rambling.

  “Can I touch you?” he whispered, and I nodded. He slid his hands through my hair, and I remembered that I had cut it since I had last seen him.

  “I like it shorter. I like it long, too. I just like you.”

  “I had to cut it…after.”

  “I know. Arden mentioned it.”

  “I like that she’s the go-between. But I’d rather we not need one.”

  “I get you. And I love you, too, Hazel.” My heart stopped. “I love you so fucking much. I was coming here to make sure that you knew that. I gave you space because you asked for it, but I was coming to see if you still needed that. I don’t want to fucking go. And I’m sorry, too. I’m sorry that everything happened, but we went through that together, and we can go through this together, too. I’m just so fucking sorry that any of it happened at all.”

  Tears were freely streaming down my cheeks now, and I leaned forward, kissing his bearded chin. He looked down and then kissed me softly, his lips parted just a bit.

  I swiped my tongue over his and moaned. I’d missed him.

  “I’m so fucking happy I sat down at that table.”

  I looked at him, crying even more. “And I love that you were my accidental date, even if I know that, in the end, there was nothing accidental about it.”

  Then his lips were on mine, and I was smiling, breathing him in.

  I knew we had more to go through, things to talk about, and worries to process. And we would.

  But there would be no more walking away from each other. Because we could do this, as long as we did it together.

  I had been wrong in thinking I could go it alone. Wrong in thinking I needed to.

  He had beaten me to the punch, but I would grovel until the end of my days so he knew what I felt.

  As he held me, and as I cried in his arms, I knew I never needed to be alone again.

  I had found my forever, one I hadn’t even known I needed.

  They say that you find forever only once, and while I had thought I’d found it before, I knew now that I was wrong.

  I had found my forever in Cross, and I was never giving it away. Never returning it.

  He was my forever.

  Epilogue

  Cross

  * * *

  Later

  I licked up Hazel’s inner thigh. I loved the way she shivered for me.

  She moaned, her legs around my neck as her hands covered her breasts, her back arching as she lay on our bed.

  I hummed along her clit, eating and tasting and wanting more.

  She was swollen from our lovemaking earlier, and all I wanted to do was indulge, to feast, to lick and taste until the day ended. But it was still morning, and we had someplace to be. I had to be quick about it.

  “We’re going to be late,” she whispered.

  “Then I’ll go faster,” I said, loving that her mind always followed the same path as mine. At least, usually.

  I licked again, speared her with two fingers, and hummed on her clit once more. When she arched against me, her whole body shaking, my name on her lips, I moved over her, sheathing myself in her tight heat as she shuddered. My lips were on hers, and she moaned, her fingernails raking my back. We moved as one, our bodies arcing, sweat-slick, and needy.

  When I rolled over onto my back, she rode me, my hands on her breasts once more, then her hips, her face. She moved, taking control, her whole body one sensuous movement, all touch and need.

  I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t focus, all I wanted was her. When my balls tightened, and I came, she came with me, both of us shaking and completely sated.

  We had ditched condoms about a month ago after we finished our testing, and I was finally cleared by my doctors to have as much sex as we wanted. Thank the gods for PT.

  I slowly slid out of her, kissed her softly, and then both of us went to clean up.

  After all, we were having a very large party at our house later in the afternoon, so the place had to look right, and I couldn’t walk around naked—not when my family would be here soon.

  “I’m not showering with you,” Hazel said, and I smiled.

  “It’s like you read my mind. I hadn’t even asked you yet.”

  “Still not doing it.”

  “Why? We have so much fun in the shower.”

  “No, we waste water. And although you have that lovely bench in there, so it makes for great angles, we are going to be late. Now you’re making me sound like the rabbit from Alice in Wonderland.”

  “Maybe. But you’re a very cute rabbit.”

  “You already got some. Twice this morning, and three times last night. We all know that you’re virile. I’m going to shower in the guest bathroom, and you are going to meet me in the kitchen later to get ready for our day.”

  I shook my head and quickly showered as she walked away.

  She had moved in with me the week before, and we were still figuring things out. She was spending so many hours and nights at my house already, it just made sense.

  And today was the celebration of our cohabitation.

  We would put her house on the market shortly, and one day soon, I would propose to her. We were still working up to that, but after everything we had gone through, it made sense that we never wanted to spend a night alone again.

  I never wanted to be without her, so that was just fine by me.

  I had already purchased her ring so I could propose, but I didn’t want to move too fast. The way we had moved so quickly already might be too much for some, but it worked for us. When the time was right, I would pop the question. Hopefully, I’d have her family’s blessing when I did—her family being Paris, Dakota, and Myra. And that was just fine with me. I thought they liked me, so hopefully, they’d let me marry their best friend.

  After all, it was a damn good way to finish Hazel’s part of their dating plan.

  I knew everybody was waiting to start the next phase of their pact, with Paris coming up next. I was very interested to see how that went.

  I quickly got dressed and headed to the kitchen to start setting up. It would take Hazel a bit longer to finish her hair, but I didn’t mind. My woman had already made a checklist of what we needed out, and what needed to be prepped for the party.

  I had just started setting up the food and making sure the place was clean when Hazel walked out, her hair done, a bright, satisfied smile on her face.

  I had done that. No, check that, we had done that. And after everything that she had been through? It was my favorite fucking thing to see in the world.

  “You look edib
le,” I whispered. She leaned back, her hands outstretched.

  “Don’t. If you kiss me, we’re going to have sex in the kitchen again, and it’ll take a lot of cleaning to get it ready for the party. I won’t be a part of that.”

  I threw my head back and laughed, suddenly saved by the doorbell.

  “Let’s get this party started.” She clapped her hands together and gave me a wide smile. “I can’t believe we’re having a housewarming party already. It feels like I just moved in.”

  I leaned forward and kissed her on the lips. “You did just move in. Hence the party. Now, let’s go see our family.”

  Everybody showed up almost at the same time, each bringing food of their own, as well as drinks and little presents.

  Joshua, Dakota’s son, came in, a potted plant in his hands, very carefully setting it on the floor.

  “Mom let me bring it in, but I had to be really careful,” Joshua said.

  I leaned down and nodded solemnly. “You did a fine job.”

  “Your brother Macon helped me get it out of the car, but then I took it the rest of the way. I like Macon.”

  I smiled and reached out to squeeze the kid’s shoulder. “I like Macon, too.”

  Macon wasn’t exactly the same as he had been, though. While my brother had always been quiet and a little growly, he was also the one with a quick smile, just like Prior. He didn’t smile as much anymore, and he didn’t talk about it. I hoped that one day he would. But until then, we would all watch and be there for him.

  Dakota was all of a sudden there, by Macon’s side, taking the rest of her containers from him. Macon didn’t say a word, just stared at her intently before going to the living room where Nate and Myra were glaring at each other. I had no idea why they were doing that, but when the group of us were together, it was always very interesting.

  “You didn’t have to make anything,” I said.

  “She always likes to make things, but she makes the best things, so I really want to know what’s inside,” Hazel said, taking a couple of containers from Dakota while I took the rest.