I'm just so touched. I'm just so over the moon.
‘We'll all adjust with time’ – right, like it's really some hardship for her to adjust when it's what she wanted in the first place!
10 January
When I got to school this morning I saw Poppy and Jade walking a bit ahead of me, so I ran to catch up with them and said sorry to Jade, and she said sorry back. We've done this about a hundred times since we first became friends, so that was no big deal. But then I told them what I was thinking last night, that I thought they should try to understand how I felt. I said it really nicely and reasonably, but it didn't make any difference. Jade just flipped her hair back and said, ‘Oh no, not that again!'
Poppy told her to be quiet and said, ‘Kathy, what's wrong? Why don't you like him?'
And I tried to explain, but all I could come out with was stuff like, ‘It's our house, he shouldn't be there.’ Jade was rolling her eyes around in no time, and even Poppy looked pretty unconvinced.
So I told them to never mind, they obviously didn't understand at all and there was no point in me trying to explain. Jade just laughed and said there was definitely no point if I didn't have any better reasons than what I had just told them. Then Poppy laughed too, and even though I had told myself that I would be very calm and not get upset, I thought I might start to cry. So I quickly walked ahead of them without saying a word. They let me go too. And they're supposed to be my friends.
We sort of made up again at lunch, but I wasn't talking much, because all I could think about was Richard, living in our house. Like he's supposed to be my father. I HATE it! I felt like crying, or screaming, or doing something, but I knew I couldn't because they wouldn't understand. So I didn't say anything. But then Jade said I was sulking, and I had to smile and say, ‘No, I'm not. I'm just being quiet.'
It was a pretty terrible day, actually.
There was a new girl in our class today. She's called Tina McNutt, and she looked even more miserable than I felt. I'm not surprised with a surname like McNutt, plus she has bright ginger plaits – ouch. Anyway, I feel really sorry for her, and not just because of the name and the hair. Starting a new school mid-term is the worst thing in the world.
11 January
Jade said that I'm no fun at all any more, and that I should stop sulking and get a life. I think Poppy agreed, even though she said, ‘Oh, Jade,’ and tried to look sympathetic.
Things are still completely wonderful here at home too. Mum's getting fed up with me, even though she pretends to be all understanding and patient. Well, she'll be waiting a long time for me to be happy about this.
Richard seems to have taken over all the cooking. He's moved loads of special pots and pans and spatulas and things into the kitchen, not to mention a huge wooden block filled with knives. He saw me looking at it and said, ‘Don't worry, I never use them in anger.'
Please. He thinks he's so funny, but he's not. I told him I was just wondering where his apron was.
12 January
I don't believe it! Mrs Boucher called me into her office today and told me that she wants me to be Tina McNutt's FAB buddy. FAB stands for Friends and Buddies (apparently), and means that I have to walk her to all her classes and introduce her to all my friends. Normally I wouldn't mind, but I just so don't feel like it right now. I've seriously got enough on my mind as it is.
I sort of tried to say that to Mrs Boucher, telling her how much homework I have and all that, but she said, ‘What does that have to do with showing Tina around and introducing her to your friends?’ So I was stuck. Plus she said that she thought I'd be the perfect person, because I know what it's like to start a new school mid-term. Argh!
She's going to arrange a meeting for Tina and me tomorrow, in her office, so we can get to know each other. Great. Any other time, I might actually like doing this, but NOT NOW!!!
Anyway, now that I'm stuck with Tina, I was sort of watching her this afternoon. She's really short, with those awful ginger plaits I've already mentioned, and she has a crocheted handbag with a big purple flower on it – what a hippy! She has this perpetually worried expression on her face at the moment, but she looks like she might be a laugh if you got to know her.
Which I obviously will. It's so unfair, no one ever listens to you when you're my age.
Richard and Mum have gone out to see a film. They asked me if I wanted to go along, but I said no. As if I'd really want to tag along after the pair of them, with everyone thinking that Richard is my father. No, thank you! Not to mention having to listen to Richard's jokes all night, and the way Mum laughs after practically everything he says.
Like, before they left, Richard whipped her coat off the rack and held it out for her like she was a movie star or something. ’ Mademoiselle's wrap,’ he said, and then he gave me a wink. Ick. I tried not to notice the way he rubbed her arms after he helped her on with the coat.
I'm sitting downstairs now, with the TV all to myself for a change. Peace and quiet, hurrah!
13 January
I had the meeting with Tina and Mrs Boucher today. Tina's OK, I guess. We talked about where she's from (some little village in Shropshire I had never heard of), and the sort of stuff she likes to do. She plays the violin, she said. She's really into it. I mean, seriously into it – her eyes completely lit up when she talked about her lessons. She's just done her grade three, she said.
Hearing her go on about it made me feel sort of funny, so I just said, ‘Oh, that's great,’ and didn't say anything else. When she asked me what I like to do, I said I like to read and go swimming.
I'm supposed to meet her at the front gates on Monday, to start walking her to her classes and introducing her to everyone. I've already told her all about Poppy and Jade, and how they're my absolute best friends and have been ever since Mum and I moved here two years ago. I think maybe I was showing off a bit – wanting her to know what brilliant mates I have.
Later
Why does she have to play the violin?
Chapter Three
Kat
Beth and Richard's house was exactly like all the others in their neighbourhood – a brick terraced house on a crowded street. The windows had red and white trim, and their front garden had gravel on it, and a big pot with a spiky-looking plant.
‘Oh, we're lucky … look, a parking space right here.’ Beth angled the car into a space in front of the house, and gave me a quick, nervous smile. ‘Sometimes we have to circle around for ages before we find a space. You do get good at parallel parking, living here.'
I had only stayed at the hospital for two days, and then they said I might as well go home, since having a sore shoulder and a cut on my forehead wasn't exactly life-threatening. But I should probably also keep seeing Dr Perrin, they said. Since I was so obviously completely nuts.
I swallowed, and pushed at the sleeve of my shirt. When they said I could go home, Beth had brought some fresh clothes to the hospital for me to wear – plain white knickers and a bra, along with a crisp pair of jeans and a patterned red and black top. They fit perfectly, even if I had never seen them before.
‘Does it look familiar?’ Beth was watching me, her eyes trying not to look worried. I realized that I had just been sitting there, staring up at the house.
I unfastened my seat belt, struggling a bit with my stiff shoulder. ‘No, not really.’ Not at all.
It was just the two of us. Richard was still at work. Beth worked from home – she did something called life-coaching, which meant that she gave people advice on how to live their lives.
Just then, she looked like she could use some advice.
Beth took a deep breath as she swung open the front door. ‘Right, well, here we are. Home sweet home.’ Pulling her jacket off, she hung it on a hook on the wall. She saw me hesitating, and motioned to a doorway on the right.
‘That's the sitting room; it goes through to the dining room and kitchen. The bedrooms are upstairs, and—’ She started laughing suddenly, pushing her d
ark fringe out of her eyes. ‘Oh, this is too strange, giving you a guided tour!'
Well, it didn't seem strange to me; I had never seen the place before. I went to the doorway of the sitting room and peered into it. It had grey carpet that was just the tiniest bit worn, and an oversized blue sofa and chair. A piano stood in one corner, with photos clustered on top of it.
Beth trailed after me. ‘Do you – I mean, does any of it look familiar?'
I shook my head, thinking, Stop asking me that!
‘No, well … never mind. Let's have a cup of tea, what do you say?'
She led the way into the kitchen. It had bright cream-coloured walls. Down at one end was a table and chairs that sat in front of a bay window, looking out to the back garden.
Beth switched on a black plastic kettle. ‘Would you get the cups, Kathy? Oh, sorry – I mean Kat.’ She tried to smile. She hadn't exactly been thrilled when I told her I'd changed my name.
I glanced up at the rows of pale wooden cupboards, but of course it was no use. ‘Um … I don't know where they are.'
‘Oh! I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking – they're right here, behind you.’ Beth forced a laugh as she opened one of the cupboards. ‘See? This one's your favourite.’ She placed a mug with yellow roses on it in front of me, turning it round so that the handle was at a perfect angle. The handle had roses on it too.
I didn't like it much, but it didn't seem worth arguing over. ‘Which one's your favourite?’ I asked. Since we were doing favourites.
She flapped an arm helplessly. ‘Oh, any one … it doesn't matter.'
I chose one with tumbling clowns for her, and stood silently as Beth poured boiling water over the tea bags.
‘Sugar?’ She slid a sugar bowl across the worktop towards me. I shook my head, stirring milk into my tea.
‘But you always—’ She bit the words back and managed a smile. ‘Well! Shall we sit down? We, um – had the breakfast nook put in last year, so that we don't always have to sit in the dining room. We can just sit in here and look out at the garden.'
I glanced over at the yellow table and chairs, and imagined sitting there, trapped, trying to make conversation. ‘Um … could I see my room?'
Beth put her mug down so quickly that a bit of tea sloshed over the rim. ‘Oh! Yes, of course, of course you'd like to – to see where you'll be. Settle in, I mean. How thoughtless of me.’ She seemed so flustered that guilt swamped over me.
‘It's OK. I mean, I don't have to see it right now.’
‘No, no, that's all right … Come on, it's this way.’
I followed Beth back through the house. The carpet was the same soft grey everywhere, like misty rain – on the stairs, down the first-floor corridor.
‘This is your room,’ said Beth, stopping in front of the last door on the right. ‘Oh, and that's the loo there’ – she pointed at a door down the hall – ‘and that's my study, and our bedroom.'
I nodded, only bothering to take in where the loo was for now. I could figure the rest out later. Because I'd be here for a long time, wouldn't I? This was my home.
The thought brought a hot lump to my throat. I didn't know what to feel, and suddenly I was just desperate for her to go away. ‘Thanks,’ I managed. ‘I'll, um – just take a nap or something, if that's OK. I mean, I'm pretty tired.'
Beth's face seemed to crumple. ‘Oh, Kathy—’ Suddenly she was hugging me, her arms wrapped tightly around me as a great, choking breath racked through her.
I stiffened. I couldn't help it. After a minute she pulled away, her eyes bright. ‘Sorry. I didn't mean to … I'll just leave you here, shall I? I'll call you when it's time for tea.'
She left quickly, her footsteps hurrying down the stairs. Alone in the corridor, I swallowed and looked at the door. It had flower stickers on it. Part of me was dying of curiosity, and the other part just wanted to turn and run.
I opened my bedroom door and stood on the threshold, taking it in. It was so compact, like a cabin in a spaceship. There was a single bed with a plain white duvet, and Barney the stuffed panda lying draped across the pillow. A long shelf ran across the wall above the bed, groaning with books and CDs. On the opposite wall there was a desk with a computer, and a wardrobe. Loads of posters.
Just a few days ago, I had lived here. I had been Kathy. I had lain on that bed, and sat at that desk, and thought … what?
Edging into the room, I closed the door and leaned against it with my arms behind me. I gazed at the nearest poster, taking in brooding dark eyes and black hair. An actor, maybe?
Finally I got up the nerve to open the wardrobe. There were a few black and white school uniforms, and then a bunch of other clothes. I was almost afraid to touch them. It was like the real Kathy was going to rush in and say, ‘What are you doing? Get off my things!'
Gingerly, I scraped a few of the coat hangers down the rack, examining the different tops and skirts. Some of the clothes were OK – I saw a bright blue top that I liked – but mostly it looked like a thundercloud had exploded in the wardrobe. A black turtleneck with clinging sleeves. A brown miniskirt. A tight black T-shirt. It was totally and utterly depressing.
I reached the end and dropped my hand. Get used to it, I told myself. You're the one who chose them, even if you can't remember it any more. And somehow I doubt that Beth is going to buy you a whole new wardrobe.
I sighed and shut the wardrobe door. But then I didn't know what to do next. Hugging myself, I sank onto the floor, gazing around. The cut on my forehead ached. It was so quiet. It was spooky.
Finally I got up and went over to the desk. I had been hoping that maybe there'd be a school paper or something I had left out, but no, it was all clinically tidy. And somehow I couldn't bring myself to open one of the desk drawers. Stupid, I know, but I just couldn't. It felt like I was trespassing.
Instead, I turned round and looked at the books on the shelf. Lots of romances – that was a surprise. The CDs clicked against each other as I flicked through them. Nothing that looked even remotely like the ocean-crashing orchestra I had heard in hospital. I had played the violin, though! You'd think I'd have been into something apart from pop.
Apparently not. So I didn't know anything about the old me after all.
Grabbing a CD at random, I put it in the player, and almost got deafened by the blare of drums and guitars that pounded out of the speakers. I turned down the volume and pulled one of the romances from the shelf. Kicking off my trainers, I settled down on the bed, moving Barney aside.
As I opened the book, I thought wearily that there was one good thing about amnesia, at least – I wouldn't remember how the story ended.
I guess I fell asleep, because the next thing I knew it was dark, and the CD had stopped. The book lay on my chest. I yawned, stretching – and then I started, knocking the book to the floor with a muffled bang. Beth stood in the doorway of the bedroom, watching me with a raw expression on her face.
She sort of laughed when she saw that I was awake. ‘Tea's ready.’ She held an arm out to me as I slid off the bed, and then quickly dropped it again. ‘Richard made your favourite,’ she added hopefully.
I couldn't tell her that I had no idea what my favourite was. ‘Great. I mean, thanks.'
Richard was already at the dining table when we got downstairs. I slid into the empty seat and he grinned at me.
‘Enjoy your kip?'
I nodded and smiled shyly at him, feeling my muscles relax. Richard seemed so mellow, like he was happy if I remembered, and happy if I didn't. Thank God he was here, and I wasn't stuck alone with Beth!
My favourite meal was lasagne with garlic bread, as it turned out. It was really good, but I was too nervous to enjoy it. I looked down at my plate as I ate, incredibly conscious of the noise my fork was making.
Suddenly Beth leaned forward, smiling. ‘Oh, Kat, I almost forgot to tell you – Nana and Jim want us to come round sometime soon.’ She saw my blank expression and her shoulders wilted slightly, though she managed to kee
p smiling. ‘They're your grandparents,’ she explained. ‘My parents … They've got lots of photos and things to show you.'
‘Oh.’ Suddenly I didn't feel very hungry any more. I rested my fork on the side of my plate. Wonderful. More people I didn't know showing me photos and staring hopefully at me; I could hardly wait.
‘Couldn't I see my dad instead?’ I asked. I glanced at Richard, and then at Beth again. ‘I mean – does he know I've lost my memory?'
Beth had been about to take a sip of wine, but now she hesitated, putting her glass down. ‘Kathy, I – there's something I need to tell you.'
‘Kat,’ I whispered.
She shook her head impatiently. ‘Kat. I – I didn't want to tell you this while you were in hospital, because …’ She trailed off, looking at Richard.
‘Beth was hoping that your memory would come back, and then you wouldn't need to be told,’ said Richard. His eyes met mine, and he smiled sadly, swirling red wine about in his glass.
‘Need to be told what?’ I sat up straight in my seat, ignoring the throbbing of my sore shoulder.
Beth sighed. ‘Kat, your father – your father passed away over two years ago.'
Passed away. I didn't understand what she meant at first; it sounded like something from a nursery rhyme. It took me a second to realize she meant dead.
‘Oh.’ They were both watching me. I looked away. ‘Well … I guess I can't meet him, then.'
Beth winced. ‘Kathy – I mean, Kat—’
‘How did he die?’ My fingertips felt like I had dipped them in ice water.
She took a deep breath. ‘A heart attack. He lived alone, and the ambulance didn't get there in time … You and I had already moved out, you see – I was in the process of getting a divorce from him.'
Kat Got Your Tongue Page 3
