‘Oh,’ I said again. I could actually feel the black hole inside me, cold and dark and endless. I didn't know what was in it, or how I should feel. Finally I started to eat again. The food tasted like sick in my mouth.
Beth bit her lip. ‘Kat, I'm sorry – I should have told you sooner—'
‘That's OK.’ I could feel her watching me, wanting to say something else. Finally, after a few minutes, she looked down and slowly started eating again too.
No one said anything for a while. We finished the lasagne, and Beth stood up to clear the plates away. I didn't move as she piled them on top of each other, scraping the leftovers onto the top plate. Then, as she went into the kitchen, I wondered if I used to help her with the dishes.
Used to. Like, just a few days ago. I stared down at my empty place mat, choking back the wet, soggy lump in my throat.
Richard tapped the table. ‘You know what?'
I looked at him. ‘What?'
He grinned at me. ‘Well, since you don't remember anything, you won't have seen my card tricks before – so I can bore you with them all over again.'
I blinked. ‘Your what?'
Twisting round in his seat, Richard slid open a drawer in the sideboard and took out a deck of cards. He fanned it across the table. ‘Right, I want you to choose a card, but don't show it to me, all right? Just look at it and put it back in the deck.'
The two of clubs. I slid it back into place.
Richard shuffled the deck, splitting the cards into two piles, and then he took a pile and I took one. ‘Now, pay attention, because here's where it gets ve-ery impressive indeed … I want you to look at your bottom card. What is it?'
Slowly, I turned my deck over – and then shook my head, smiling, as I held up the eight of spades. Richard's face fell a million miles.
‘Ah,’ he said. ‘Well, maybe it's at the bottom of my pile.’ He peeked under his deck like something was about to jump out at him, and then held up the three of hearts with a hopeful expression. ‘Is this it?'
‘No.’ I started to laugh.
’ No?’ Richard twisted his mouth to one side, stroking his sideburns. ‘Are you sure? Well, hang on – maybe it's here, behind your ear.'
And he reached across the table and pulled the two of clubs out from my hair.
I stopped laughing as my jaw dropped. ‘But – how did you do that?’ I grabbed the two of clubs from him, turning it over in my hand. It was just a card.
Richard winked at me. Plucking the card from my hand, he shuffled the deck again. ‘Magic.'
Later that night I watched TV with Richard and Beth for a while, but it wasn't exactly a success. There was this old movie on called Casablanca that Richard said was brilliant, but I couldn't concentrate on it because Beth watched me the whole time – with this worried, waiting look on her face.
Occasionally she said things like, ‘We watched this together once in Bournemouth, remember?’ Or, ‘Do you remember what that actor is called, Kat? He's really famous.’ She tried to smile and act all casual, but her voice was like a puppy straining at its lead.
I felt like saying, ‘Look, I will let you know if I remember anything. OK? You'll be the first to know, I promise.'
Instead I just said I was tired, and went upstairs.
Once I got back to my room, I did the exercises for my shoulder that they had taught me in hospital. They made it hurt worse. Then I went to bed, where I lay awake for ages, reading Kathy's romance novel – it was about a spoiled Spanish princess, and it was incredibly irritating, but better than staring at the walls.
Finally I tossed the book aside and turned out the light, trying not to think about how utterly bizarre this was. I was lying in the same bed that I had slept in for years, but it felt like the first time ever. I wondered if my body remembered it, even if I didn't.
That made me feel seriously squeamish, and my eyes flew open. Which is when I saw it – a green light pulsing on the ceiling, regular as a heartbeat. I snapped the light on again and threw back the covers, peering into the corner where the light was coming from.
A mobile phone attached to a charger lay on the floor, blinking to itself. I flipped it open and sank back on the bed, fiddling with the buttons and trying to remember how to work it. 1 NEW MESSAGE, said the screen.
Date and time … no, that wasn't it. Tetris … what's Tetris? No, definitely not that either. Eventually I found my way onto a screen that had NEW MESSAGES as an option. Hurrah! I pressed the button.
POPPY'S MOBILE: KATHY R U OK? JADE & I R BOTH SO UPSET, DON'T KNOW WHAT 2 THINK.
Poppy. I had a friend called Poppy, and I must have another one called Jade. Poppy and Jade. My heart quickened. OK, I didn't remember the first thing about either of them, but their names sounded nice. Like they'd be really good laughs.
I pressed the REPLY button, and then stopped, biting my lip. What was I supposed to say? I couldn't very well explain that I had no idea who she was! Or who anyone else was. Including me.
Beth, I decided. I'd show the text to her. If Poppy and Jade were Kathy's friends, then she must know them, right? So maybe I could meet them. The idea bubbled through me. It felt about a million times more exciting than meeting grandparents.
I grabbed a blue dressing gown that was hanging from a hook on the door and went downstairs. I heard voices coming from the kitchen, but I couldn't remember where the light switch was. I edged my way round the black shape of the dining table, feeling more than ever that this wasn't my house and never would be.
I reached for the kitchen door, and then I heard Beth's voice coming from the breakfast nook. ‘I know you're right,’ she said. ‘I just can't help wondering if it's somehow my fault.'
I froze. Leaning forward, I rested my ear against the door.
‘I don't think it's anyone's fault,’ said Richard. ‘It's just one of those things that happen, that's all.'
There was a long pause. Finally Beth's voice came again, lower than before. ‘Richard, do you know the worst thing? I – I feel like I hardly even know this girl. It's like my daughter's gone.'
‘Beth, come on, she's not gone,’ said Richard. ‘It's probably just temporary; the doctor said so—'
Beth sounded strained. ‘But they don't know, do they? They don't even know why she's lost her memory! Oh, Richard, I'm so scared that maybe Kathy won't ever come back, that I'll never see her again – that I've lost my daughter forever—’ Her voice broke.
My heart thudding in my ears, I backed away from the door, still holding the mobile. Feeling my way through the shadows, I went back to my room and gently shut the door.
Then I turned out the light and lay there in the dark, curling tightly onto my side and trying not to think of anything at all. I wasn't sure why it hurt so much, hearing Beth say that. I mean, it wasn't like I felt close to her, either.
But I felt so alone, as if I were floating in space. I didn't have anyone, not a single person in the world who really liked me. Well, there was Richard, but he sort of had to, didn't he? There was no one who liked me just for me.
My fingers tightened around the mobile. Except Poppy and Jade, maybe, whoever they were. Please, I thought, clenching my eyes shut. Please let them still be my friends!
Chapter Four
Kathy
16 January
Well, what a great day. I mean, it could not have been any better or more wonderful than this.
The first wonderful thing that happened is that Mum and I had a row. It started because Richard made a big fry-up breakfast for us all – I have no idea why, it's not like it's the weekend or anything. And I can't face that amount of food in the morning anyway, just the smell of it makes me sick. So I told him I wasn't hungry and had some cornflakes instead, and Mum cornered me later and said that I had been really rude.
Which I so totally hadn't been! All I did was tell him I wasn't hungry – what's wrong with that?! But apparently my tone was rude and dismissive (Mum's word, can you tell?). She said she knew it must be
hard for me having Richard move in, but it's been over two years since she's had a relationship and she deserved a bit of happiness. I thought she was actually going to cry! I mean, my God, all this over a bowl of cornflakes!
I seriously wanted to tell her to CHILL OUT AND LEAVE ME ALONE. But it wasn't worth being banished to my room for the next hundred years, so I just shrugged and said sorry. She made me say sorry to Richard too. I mean, she actually stood there with her arms crossed over her chest until I did it! Richard didn't even care that much, I don't think. He just looked sort of embarrassed and said, ‘That's OK, Kathy – I should have known how attached you are to your cornflakes.'
By the time I got to school after all that I was practically late, and Tina probably thought I had forgotten about her. She was standing at the front gates looking really anxious. We barely made it to our form room before the bell went.
I did what Mrs Boucher had said, and walked her to all her classes. (They're mostly the same as mine anyway.) We chatted a lot, and were getting on all right. She likes Basingstoke, which was an UTTER shock to me, because Poppy and Jade and I are so bored of the same old shops we could scream. But apparently it's incredibly exciting compared to Shropshire. Remind me never to go to Shropshire!
So it was all going OK … until we got to lunch. We sat down with Poppy and Jade and a few of the others, and I introduced Tina to everyone she hadn't met at break. We all just chatted for a while, and then I don't remember how it happened, but someone asked Tina about her parents. ‘They're divorced,’ she said.
‘Oh, that's too bad,’ I said. But she said she's really glad about it, actually. Apparently her mum left home a few years ago – just packed her things and left with no warning. So now Tina lives with her dad. But she's totally OK with it, because she has the BEST dad in the whole world (according to her).
She told us all about him. He's an artist who just got a teaching job here, and he also plays the piano. They do jazz duets together, with her on the violin, plus he painted this incredible mural on her bedroom wall for her. She said he's loads of fun and she can talk to him about almost anything.
She went on and on, and with every word she said, I just felt worse. But I couldn't change the subject, because Jade and Poppy were really interested – they kept asking her all these questions about what the mural was like, and what kind of artist her dad was. I could tell they thought he sounded just so cool. Well, he did. He sounded completely wonderful. A total dream-dad.
And to make things even worse again, Tina started talking about playing the violin, and how great it is and how much she loves it. I pretended nothing was wrong and just kept smiling with everyone else, but I wasn't saying anything at all by then. I couldn't, I just couldn't.
Then Tina said something like, ‘My dad came to my last violin recital, and it was so funny—’ and that was it, I couldn't take any more. I said I had to go to the loo, and dashed out before I started crying in front of everyone.
I thought I had got away with it without anyone knowing, but then during PE, Poppy and Jade came over and asked why I had been so rude to Tina!! I asked them what they meant, and it turned out that everyone thought I sounded really snide, the way I said I had to go to the loo and then rushed off.
I couldn't tell them I had been trying not to start bawling in front of the whole canteen, so I shrugged and said, ‘Oh, I was just getting tired of hearing her go on about her perfect life.'
Then they both looked at me really strangely. ‘I think she's nice,’ said Poppy.
‘Yeah, how come you don't like nice people any more?’ said Jade. ‘First Richard, now Tina!'
So I told them I did like her, and that I was just in a strange mood. ‘You sure are,’ said Jade. I wish she would shut up sometimes!!!
17 January
Tina's not acting any different around me, so maybe she didn't think I sounded that snide after all. We were chatting as we walked to class today, and I really do think she's nice, I wasn't just saying that yesterday. Plus she's a good laugh. It's just the way she goes on about things that gets irritating.
I mean, come on. Her dad can't be that great. And she's only done her grade three, big deal. I did my grade five when I was ten.
19 January
Why can't Richard just leave me alone?! Why does he have to try to be friendly all the time? He practically follows me around, trying to talk to me! When he got home from work today, sure enough, he started right in again – this time showing me one of his card tricks. Mum was there, so I couldn't just tell him to naff off. I tried to say that I had to go and do my homework, but Mum said, ‘Come on, Kathy, just one trick.’ With dire warning in her voice.
He went through this whole ‘Pick a card, any card …’ routine. I chose the four of diamonds. Then it went back into the deck and he fanned the cards out and put them into different piles and stuff, and then he cut the deck, and it was the four of diamonds.
Well, it's not that big a deal. I bet he has the deck marked or something. But he said, ‘There, is that your card?’ with this big, triumphant grin on his face.
I said, ‘No, I chose the jack of spades.’ Ha!
He quit smiling and said, ‘Really? Are you sure?’ Then Mum tried to laugh. ‘Oh, Kathy, quit teasing,’ she said. ‘Richard always chooses the right card!'
‘Well, not this time,’ I told them, and went up to my room.
Chapter Five
Kat
‘What are your thoughts on fry-ups?’ asked Richard. As I came into the kitchen he looked over his shoulder at me with a grin, swirling a saucepan about in his hand. The smells of melting butter and sizzling bacon hung in the air.
‘Great,’ I said, sliding into a chair. ‘It smells really good.'
‘It does, doesn't it?’ Richard cracked an egg against the side of the pan. ‘Help yourself to some orange juice, by the way – you might as well get something healthy down you.'
I found the orange juice in the fridge. ‘Where's – um, where's my mother?’ I said as I poured myself a glass.
Richard glanced at me and I flushed, wishing I hadn't made it so totally obvious that I couldn't call her Mum. But I just couldn't; the word wouldn't come. Especially not after what I had overheard last night.
Richard turned back to the hob, prodding at the eggs with a spatula. ‘She's taking a shower; she'll be down in a bit. Fancy some toast? Bread's over there; just pop it in the toaster.'
I put the bread in the toaster and then sat down with my juice. Steam from the fry-up coated the windows, making the garden look full of mist. I rubbed a circle on one of the panes and peered out. A patio with some dead pot plants on it, and an overgrown lawn bordered by trees.
‘Not at its best this time of year,’ said Richard. He clattered forks and knives onto the table, and then loaded up a pair of plates with bacon, eggs, mushroom and tomato. ‘Here you go.’ He slid a plate in front of me. ‘Tuck in while it's hot.'
I picked up the fork, pushing back the sleeves of the black jumper I'd put on that morning. ‘Did Kathy only ever use to wear dark colours?’ I asked.
Richard stopped eating and looked at me. His eyes were very blue, even in the pale winter light from outside.
‘What?’ I asked, feeling self-conscious.
He popped a piece of bacon in his mouth. ‘Don't you think of yourself as Kathy, then?'
Oh. I shrugged, looking down. ‘Not really, I guess. I mean, I know I am Kathy, but – I don't know, it just doesn't seem like we have a lot in common so far.'
‘Like?’ Richard grinned suddenly, pointing at my jumper with his fork. ‘Apart from your taste in clothes, that is. And to answer your question, yes, you used to wear a lot of black. You were very into monochromes.'
‘What's that?’
‘Blacks, whites, greys.'
‘And browns,’ I pointed out glumly. ‘My ward-robe's full of brown too.'
He laughed. ‘Well, I don't know if brown is technically a monochrome, but yep, that too … Go on, I'm curious
. How else do you feel different from Kathy?'
Munching on a piece of toast, I told him about the music I had heard in hospital. ‘It was so beautiful … I even made this girl in the ward change channels back to it, but everyone else hated it. Then, when I saw the CDs in my room, I hoped there might be something like that, but there's only pop.’ I lifted a shoulder. ‘So we can't be twins, exactly, can we?'
Richard smiled. ‘I see what you mean.'
I took another bite of toast. ‘I wish I knew who wrote that music, though, so I could get the CD.'
‘Well, that's easily done. What day was it, Thursday?’ Richard hopped up and went into the lounge. A few seconds later he was back, holding a newspaper. He flipped through the pages until he got to the TV section, running his finger down the entries. ‘Mahler's Fifth,’ he said.
‘What?’ I craned my neck to see.
‘The composer was Gustav Mahler and it's his fifth symphony, known as Mahler's Fifth.’ Richard folded the newspaper and handed it to me with a flourish. ‘You've got good taste,’ he said. ‘That's one of my favourites too.'
I held the newspaper, a warm glow filling me. ‘Thanks,’ I said.
* * *
I helped Richard do the washing-up after we'd eaten, and he told me about a composer called Beethoven. I thought maybe I had heard of him, but I couldn't remember anything he had written, so Richard hummed one of his symphonies for me, conducting an imaginary orchestra with a soapy fork and knife. That was when Beth came into the room.
‘Morning,’ she said with a smile. It was me she was looking at, though.
‘Hi,’ I said. My spirits deflated like soapsuds when a greasy pan hits the water. All I could think was, You don't even like me; you just want the old Kathy back.
Beth leaned against the doorway. ‘Had a good breakfast?'
I nodded without looking at her. ‘Yeah, it was great.'
‘Shall I make one for you too?’ said Richard, reaching across me to put the spatula on the drying rack. ‘It's no bother.'
Beth looked at her watch. ‘No, that's OK; I've got a phone appointment in twenty minutes.'
Kat Got Your Tongue Page 4
