The screen lit up – a blue background with a long, narrow white box on it. A black line flashed inside the box, with PLEASE ENTER PASSWORD written above it. The cursor flashed at me, waiting. I frowned at the screen, and then slowly typed a word, looking down at the keys.
VIOLIN.
I hit ‘Return'.
INVALID PASSWORD.
Cat, I typed.
INVALID PASSWORD.
Black clothes. Orlando. Pop music.
INVALID, INVALID, INVALID.
I tried every other word I could think of, but none of them were right. Finally I gave up and went to bed, turning out the light and wrapping the duvet tightly around myself. Why had I even bothered trying? Kathy was still a total stranger to me; I had no idea what her password might be.
I persuaded Beth to let me walk to school the next morning. She insisted on drawing a map for me, putting a big X where our house was, and another one at the school. ‘Are you sure you know the way?’ she kept asking.
I nodded, putting the map in my new coat pocket. ‘I'll be fine.'
She didn't look at all convinced. ‘Well, ring me if you get lost.’ She stood at the door as I left, watching me with her arms folded over her chest. Richard appeared behind her, eating a piece of toast.
‘We'll send a Saint Bernard after you if we don't hear from you soon,’ he called, waving.
That made me laugh. ‘Thanks,’ I called back.
I had thought that if I walked to school like Kathy did, it might help me get into her head – but I hadn't expected the dizzying sense of freedom that soared through me once I left the house. It was the first time I had been alone, really alone, since I woke up after the accident.
I walked slowly, breathing in the crisp air, savouring the fact that I wasn't being stared at. No one paid any attention to me at all; cars whizzed past like I was just another student on her way to school. It was brilliant.
I passed a small park and paused, looking in at the empty slides and swings. On impulse, I creaked open the flaking-paint gate and went inside.
Sitting on one of the narrow red swings, I pushed myself gently back and forth, the chains squeaking in protest. My shoulder didn't hurt so much any more, I realized suddenly. I guessed the exercises were doing some good.
I wrapped my arms around the chains and leaned back, looking up at the gun-metal sky. Had my dad ever pushed me on a swing, back in Bournemouth?
My dad. I let out a breath, slowing down the swing.
What I hated most of all was that my memory-glitch, or whatever it had been, had interrupted the talk about my dad, and now I didn't know how to get it back again. I thought of the photo I had seen at Nana's, of him standing on the beach staring intensely at the camera.
He had looked so big, so solid. It was impossible to imagine him as a little boy, being abused. It was so awful, that that had happened! My hands gripped the chains. I wished I had asked Nana for that photo. I'd get it from her next time.
The thought hit me like a lightning bolt. I didn't have any photos of my dad. Not a single one.
I was almost late to school, and had to run the last little bit, my bag bumping against my legs. Poppy stood at the front gates waiting for me. I thought about running straight past her, but I didn't. I jogged to a stop.
‘Hi,’ she said stiffly.
I just looked at her, gripping the strap of my bag. The stone cat was nestled inside, and my spine straightened at the thought of him. She and Jade were not going to scare me. I'd find out what had happened whether they wanted me to or not.
Poppy glanced at her watch. ‘Come on, we'd better go.'
When we got inside, Mrs Boucher was talking to the lady at the reception desk. She saw me and smiled, beckoning us over. She had short blonde hair like an elf, and wore a brown dress with a cardie over it. ‘Kat! How are you doing? How was your first day yesterday? Your teachers all seem to think it went really well.'
‘It was great,’ I said, trying not to look at Poppy. ‘I mean, I don't know how well I'm doing yet, but—'
Mrs Boucher waved this off. ‘It'll take time; there's no hurry. Everyone's willing to help you as much as you need.'
Then she seemed to notice Poppy for the first time, and she frowned. ‘Poppy? Where's Tina? Isn't she meant to be Kat's FAB buddy?'
‘Oh, we all wanted to help Kat,’ said Poppy. ‘Jade, Tina and me. So we're taking turns. Is that OK, Miss?’ Her cheeks reddened a bit, but she sounded completely natural. Earnest, even, like she was afraid Mrs Boucher might say no and then she would be really gutted.
Mrs Boucher just laughed, looking delighted that I was so popular even with no memory. ‘It's fine with me, so long as Kat has the support she needs. Is it all right with you, Kat?'
I lifted my lips into something like a smile. ‘Sure,’ I said.
As Poppy was walking me to RE, Jade came up alongside us in the corridors and slammed into me, so that I stumbled and almost fell. I stared after her, swallowing hard. Tina caught up with her, and the two of them glanced back at me. Tina looked worried, but when she saw me watching her she tossed her head and hooked her arm through Jade's.
Poppy was still walking along like nothing had happened, staring straight ahead. I grabbed her arm. ‘Look, you have to tell me what's going on!'
Her eyes flashed, and she shook me off. ‘You know what's going on! What do you want, a written essay?'
‘I don't know!’ I cried. ‘Can't you see that? Why do you all hate me so much? Did I do something? What?'
Poppy hesitated, biting her lip. We were standing in the middle of the corridor like rocks in a stream, with students sweeping round us on either side. For a moment I thought she was going to say something, but then her mouth hardened. ‘We're going to be late,’ she said.
Chapter Sixteen
Kathy
27 February
This morning I tried to pretend I was ill again. But Mum wanted to take me to the doctor, and I was afraid he'd tell her I was lying and then she'd find out what I did. So I had to go to school, and of course Jade came over to me first thing. She was angrier than I'd ever seen her. ‘You took Tina's violin from outside the band room on Friday afternoon, didn't you?’ she said.
I told her, NO, of course not! I could feel my face heating up, though. She just glared at me, and walked away.
Tina looked like she had been crying when I saw her. I wonder if she's told her dad? What if he rings Mum?! Not that anyone has any proof: no one saw me or anything. I'll just lie if he rings, and say I don't know what he's talking about. Anyone could have taken it.
I wish I could go back to Friday and just leave it there. I wish that so much.
Then later Jade passed me a note during RE. It said: Tina doesn't want to say anything because she's not positive it was you, but I am! Give it back or else!!!
I wrote on it: Or else what? I didn't take it!
She read it with this steely glare on her face, and then mouthed ‘tomorrow’ at me when Mrs Randolph wasn't looking. I kept my face totally blank, like she wasn't getting to me at all, but in fact I'm scared. There's no way I can bring it to school tomorrow – Mum would see it! And I don't want anyone to know I took it anyway, I want to just dump it outside Tina's house or something!
In fact, that's what I planned to do when I got home this afternoon. I told Mum I was going for a walk, and then I planned to go to Tina's house (if I could even find it again) and leave it on their front doorstep.
But when I got out to the shed, I opened up the case and I just couldn't. It was so beautiful. I didn't dare play it, but I stroked one of its strings, very gently. It vibrated under my finger, so that I could feel the note humming through me. I kept thinking of Mrs Patton smiling at me and saying, ‘Very good, Kathy, but a bit more vibrato in those final few bars.'
Anyway, I sat out there like a total numpty for ages, and then the next thing I knew it was getting dark and it was already way too late to try to go to Tina's. God, why did I even take it in the fir
st place?!
I didn't mean to, I honestly didn't. I just saw it outside the band room, piled up with a bunch of other instruments – I think everyone was waiting for Mr Yately to come and open the door or something – and then the next thing I knew I had shoved it under my coat and I was walking away as quickly as I could, before anyone noticed. Then all the way home I was completely panicking, and thinking that I should throw it behind some bushes or something, but I couldn't just abandon it. What if it got damaged or something?
What am I going to do? What if Jade tells my mum?
Later
I was doing the dishes with Mum tonight, and part of me wanted to tell her everything – just let it all spill out, so that she'd tell me what to do and everything would be OK again. But she was upset about some client of hers who hasn't paid his bills, and Richard kept going in and out of the kitchen, saying things like, ‘You're far too nice, love, you need to supply him with a two-week notice …’ and so I just couldn't.
28 February
This morning Jade and Susan and Gemma started bumping against me in the corridors, really hard, hissing, ’ Give it back, give it back.’ I told them I didn't have it, and Jade sneered at me and said, ‘Oh, right!’ Then they bumped against me so hard that I've got a bruise on my arm now.
Tina didn't join in, but I saw her watching, looking really upset. Poppy just stares at me, like she can't believe she was ever my friend. I made it through the day without crying, but only just. I will NOT let them see me cry, no matter what.
I need to take it back! But of course it was raining this afternoon, so I couldn't very well pretend to go for a walk. I did manage to slip out to the shed and make sure the violin was well covered up. Too much damp can ruin them.
Then I took it out of its case, just to make sure it was OK, and somehow I ended up playing it. I played a Mozart concerto – one of his early ones that he wrote when he was a child genius. I played really softly, so that Mum wouldn't hear, and at first I could hardly hold the bow right, I was so glad to be playing again. But it wasn't like I had thought.
It was awful. I kept waiting for the feeling of – of losing myself in the music, of drifting away and becoming part of it, but it didn't happen. Instead the music stayed totally separate from me, like a wall that I couldn't climb over, and it was so happy and light that it made me feel even heavier and darker, until when I finished I felt like …
Like. I don't know.
I hate myself.
Mum and Richard tried to talk to me during tea, but I didn't feel like saying very much. I must have been mad last night to think I could tell Mum. I can't tell anyone, ever.
1 March
Tina came up to me in the library today, and asked if I was the one who took her violin. I told her no, of course not, and she said, ‘Look, I won't tell anyone if you did. But I need it back. It was my grandfather's, and my dad would be so upset if anything happened to it.'
I felt like crying then, but I just told her again that I didn't have it. And she bit her lip and said, ‘Well, if you did have it – I mean, just supposing – then do you think maybe you could bring it back tomorrow? You could give it to me in the girls’ loo, the one by the gym. No one would see you. Please?'
I wondered then if Jade and the others were going to be there, but Tina knew what I was thinking and said, ‘Just us, I promise. I only want the violin back, that's all. Please, please, give it back!'
So I said OK. I couldn't look at her or anything. I felt so ashamed. She didn't say anything else, she just sort of nodded and walked off. I'll have to smuggle it to school in my bag or something tomorrow, without Mum seeing. Thank God, at least it will be over with then!!
Later
I just woke up from a nightmare. I'm shaking so bad I can't get back to sleep. It was awful, so totally awful. Richard was shouting at me, and his face started twisting and changing, turning red, and then it wasn't Richard at all, it was some sort of demon. Mum and I hid in a closet from him, all huddled together while he raged around, and she was crying because she had thought that Richard was nice, and he had turned out to be like this. And I couldn't say anything to her, because I knew it was all my fault he had changed.
I feel so scared. What if that's true? I mean, what if Dad changed because of me? He and Mum must have been happy once – something had to happen to change things. And babies can do that; I read in this magazine that they can put a lot of strain on a marriage. Maybe Dad just couldn't deal with it.
I really don't want to believe that. I don't want for it all to have been my fault! But I can't think of anything else it could have been.
Chapter Seventeen
Kat
I sat alone in RE, not even pretending that I was with Poppy. The teacher, Mrs Randolph, was about eighty-two and didn't seem to notice that I was on my own. She droned away about Catholicism for ages, making it about ten times more boring than it probably had to be. I stared down at my exercise book, drawing pointless circles in the margins. The scar on my forehead itched, like an irritating insect was walking across my skin.
I looked up. Mrs Randolph had started passing out worksheets, her hands trembling arthritically. ‘Get into groups, everyone. Take a few minutes to discuss, and then work through the answers together.'
Suddenly everyone was scraping their chairs together into exclusive little clusters. Naturally Jade, Tina and Poppy all sat together. None of them looked at me.
‘Kat needs a group,’ announced Mrs Randolph in her raspy voice, squinting at the class through her glasses. ‘Who needs another person?'
Hardly anyone even glanced up; they were all too busy buzzing away in their groups. I bit my lip, feeling like I had a sign pinned to my back: IGNORE THIS GIRL. SHE IS TO BE SHUNNED AT ALL COSTS!
‘Kat, do you want to sit with us?’ called a voice.
My chin jerked up as relief flooded through me. A girl with a thin face and long auburn hair was smiling at me, pointing to an empty seat beside her. Her friend had light blonde hair held back by a black hair-band. She was smiling at me too.
I didn't need a second invitation. I scooped up my bag and moved over to them, weaving my way round the tables. Pulling out a chair, I sat down between them. ‘Hi,’ I said shyly.
The blonde girl leaned forward. ‘Do you really have amnesia?’ she whispered.
I was getting incredibly sick of that question, but I couldn't very well refuse to answer it when they had just rescued me from being an outcast. I nodded. ‘Yeah, I really do.'
They looked at each other. ‘So … you don't remember us?’ asked the auburn-haired girl. She had a pendant of a running horse around her neck.
I shook my head.
She blinked. ‘That's so weird. Well … I'm Rachel and this is Holly.'
‘Were you friends of mine? From before, I mean?’ I hated how hopeful I sounded, like a plaintive three-year-old.
Holly shrugged. She had light blue-grey eyes and a snub nose. ‘Sort of, I guess. You sat with us at lunch sometimes.'
I glanced over my shoulder at Mrs Randolph, but she practically looked asleep at her desk. I crossed my elbows on the table, leaning forward. ‘Do you know why Jade and the others hate me? They won't tell me what's going on.'
Rachel made a face. ‘Oh, don't worry about it. Jade and that lot are always falling out over something.'
‘But – I mean, I sort of think it's more than that.’
She shrugged. ‘Well, you can always sit with us; we don't mind.’ She glanced at Holly. ‘Hol, did I tell you about Champion this morning?'
Holly leaned forward. ‘No, what?'
Rachel fingered her pendant, grinning. ‘We jumped three foot six! He was so good, he didn't even hesitate. Mum says I can enter him in the next competition.'
Holly gasped, and gave a little bounce. ‘That's great! We can enter together!'
‘Oh, are you entering with Daisy?'
They kept on like that for the rest of the class, whispering about horses or ponies or wha
tever, and forgetting I was even there. I gazed down at the work-sheet. There was a long paragraph about Catholicism, and then a bunch of questions. What percentage of the world's population is of the Catholic faith? I slowly wrote down the answer.
Was that all it was? Had I just fallen out with Jade and the rest of them? Maybe I had misunderstood everything. I looked over at Jade's table.
Jade shot me a gaze, her dark hair like a cape over her shoulders. Her eyes were slits.
* * *
‘That's it!’ cried Richard. ‘Eight of clubs, that was my card. Well done! You've really been practising, haven't you?’ He beamed at me.
I smiled, shuffling the cards against the dining table. ‘Yeah, sort of.’ Radio 3 played in the background – a ballet by someone called Prokofiev, with dramatic drums and trumpets.
Richard laughed. ‘Sort of, nothing. Are you up for learning another one, to add to your repertoire?'
‘Sure, go on.’ It was better than worrying about Jade and the others, anyway. I hooked my leg under me, leaning forward on my elbows. Richard took the deck and cut it.
It was just the two of us; Beth was upstairs talking to one of her clients on the business phone. She hated making evening appointments, but said that sometimes people couldn't talk to her any other time.
‘Right, now for this trick, you—’
‘Wait,’ I gasped, clutching his arm.
Richard stopped, his reddish eyebrows drawing together. ‘Kat? What is it?'
‘The music! Listen!’ The ballet had ended, and now the most beautiful music I had ever heard was wrapping around us. A single violin, soaring like a bird against the low, gentle pulsing of an orchestra. It was like – heaven and earth, embracing each other.
Tears came to my eyes as the violin effortlessly dipped and flew, reaching up and up. I don't know how long we sat there and listened, but finally the music ended, and my fingers fell away from Richard's arm. ‘I have to know what that was! Richard, we have to find out!'
He squeezed my hand and stood up. ‘Not a problem. We'll just hop onto the BBC website and get the playlist.'
Kat Got Your Tongue Page 11
